Message Boards

Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 28, 2005, 3:28 pm CDT

wow good comment

Quote From: jenoc99

Wow your husband has some issues!! Talk about holding a grudge, huh???

 

I'm just curious, when you ask him to come to marriage counceling and he won't go, what are his reasons? What is he afraid of, since he thinks that it is YOU who caused the problem...I'm thinking that maybe you could ask him to go to marriage counceling again, then let him say his excuse why he won't go, and you have something to say to counter-act his excuse, Like if he says "no, I'm not the one who needs to go because you are the one who slept with other men..." (or whatever he will say!!) You can reply to him, "yes dear but talking to a councelor together could help you learn the steps we need to take for you to learn forgiveness..." Or something simular to that...

 

I'm thinking that your husband must be a pretty miserable person if he is choosing to hold onto this matter, making a much bigger deal out of it then it is...also, perhaps he is the type of person who just can't accept happiness for himself, perhaps he has self esteem issues and deep down he feels that, for whatever reason, he doesn't deserve to be happy; so when he starts to feel some happiness, he will bring up this subject to destroy that happiness. This is a very sad way to live, for both of you... You say that you really love him, but do you respect him? This is a man who has been bringing up the past for many, many years, making you feel ashamed and cry, etc., why would he hurt you in this way over and over? He is miserable so he wants you to be miserable too...or maybe he keeps bringing it up since he has no other "dirt" on you because he wants to drive you away...Thats a possibility. Whatever the case is, I urge you to seek therepy again for yourself. This must be very depressing for you, and although your husband does has his own issues, you can never, ever change him, you can only change yourself and how you react to him. That is something that you can learn by talking to a councelor. It can be very  helpful to talk with a professional, someone who has already seen and heard "it all" who can guide you towards what steps needed to take to find true happiness. Because you really are not happy right now, right? But please know that you do deserve happiness, you don't deserve this treatment at all.

Thanks for the comment very good, his response the last time I asked him to go was seven years ago and he said he didn't have a problem.  I have just recovered from breast cancer and baam here it just pops up and I am like what brought that on...  And finally he says Well I ran into so and so and you know where I am going with this...  And I am like geez I have been with you for 17 years and been faithful I don't know what else to do to help you realize that I Love you...  I am doing well it just gets frustrating when you think everything is going good he has a sinking moment...  Thanks for all the wonderful advice and I will read your comment again ... Thanks!
 
July 28, 2005, 9:23 pm CDT

confused

Quote From: confused

Thanks for the comment very good, his response the last time I asked him to go was seven years ago and he said he didn't have a problem.  I have just recovered from breast cancer and baam here it just pops up and I am like what brought that on...  And finally he says Well I ran into so and so and you know where I am going with this...  And I am like geez I have been with you for 17 years and been faithful I don't know what else to do to help you realize that I Love you...  I am doing well it just gets frustrating when you think everything is going good he has a sinking moment...  Thanks for all the wonderful advice and I will read your comment again ... Thanks!
Although the timeline is really bizarre, bizarre that he would even care after 12 years of marriage that you slept around while he was sleeping around and even more bizarrre that 5 years later he still hasn't gotten over it, I think you need to at least consider what he might be feeling . . . with an eye toward healing this situation, of course. After all, whatever you've been doing for five years hasn't worked. Time to try something new. I think I might understand to some extent what your husband is feeling, although on a much much smaller scale. I moved in with my now husband after we had been dating but living in separate towns for several months. A few months after we moved in together, it came out that he had spent quite a bit of time out at bars without me while we were just dating and I was living an hour away. It got me thinking about all those nights that I had called him and he hasn't answered his phone. I imagined him sitting at some bar and hearing his phone ring and looking at it, seeing my name on the Caller ID, and deciding not to answer. Because he was busy flirting with some other girl maybe? Because he didn't want anyone to know he had a girlfriend? His explanation for it all was that it just took him longer to decide for sure that I was the one he wanted than it took for me to decide the same about him. Now, all of this came out when we were living together and engaged to be married and he had obviously definitely decided by then that I was the one for him. Still, it bothered me so much to know that he hadn't been certain of that as soon as I'd been certain of it. It made me doubt every nice or loving thing he had ever said to me during our dating period before we moved in together. Suddenly, some of the special moments of our first few months together, moments I cherished in my memory, didn't seem so special. It especially hurt when I realized that, had I known back then that he was spending a lot of time out at bars without me and not telling me about it, I would have broken up with him. It suddenly ocurred to me that in the beginning, I was involved in a totally different relationship from the one he was involved in. I was at home missing him and he was out partying without me and probably hitting on other women just in case it didn't work out with me. I'm over it now, of course. But it bothered me for a long time, the discovery that my memories of our early days were flawed. Perhaps this is what's going on for your husband. Perhaps he feels like you destroyed his memories. Just an idea.
 
July 29, 2005, 6:40 am CDT

Just an Idea

Quote From: lilacmess

Although the timeline is really bizarre, bizarre that he would even care after 12 years of marriage that you slept around while he was sleeping around and even more bizarrre that 5 years later he still hasn't gotten over it, I think you need to at least consider what he might be feeling . . . with an eye toward healing this situation, of course. After all, whatever you've been doing for five years hasn't worked. Time to try something new. I think I might understand to some extent what your husband is feeling, although on a much much smaller scale. I moved in with my now husband after we had been dating but living in separate towns for several months. A few months after we moved in together, it came out that he had spent quite a bit of time out at bars without me while we were just dating and I was living an hour away. It got me thinking about all those nights that I had called him and he hasn't answered his phone. I imagined him sitting at some bar and hearing his phone ring and looking at it, seeing my name on the Caller ID, and deciding not to answer. Because he was busy flirting with some other girl maybe? Because he didn't want anyone to know he had a girlfriend? His explanation for it all was that it just took him longer to decide for sure that I was the one he wanted than it took for me to decide the same about him. Now, all of this came out when we were living together and engaged to be married and he had obviously definitely decided by then that I was the one for him. Still, it bothered me so much to know that he hadn't been certain of that as soon as I'd been certain of it. It made me doubt every nice or loving thing he had ever said to me during our dating period before we moved in together. Suddenly, some of the special moments of our first few months together, moments I cherished in my memory, didn't seem so special. It especially hurt when I realized that, had I known back then that he was spending a lot of time out at bars without me and not telling me about it, I would have broken up with him. It suddenly ocurred to me that in the beginning, I was involved in a totally different relationship from the one he was involved in. I was at home missing him and he was out partying without me and probably hitting on other women just in case it didn't work out with me. I'm over it now, of course. But it bothered me for a long time, the discovery that my memories of our early days were flawed. Perhaps this is what's going on for your husband. Perhaps he feels like you destroyed his memories. Just an idea.

 

I agree with you in the fact that it stained the image he had of me in being a good girl in his eyes just sitting at home waiting for my turn til he got around to seeing me..  We weren't even living together at the time, just dating, he had like 8 girls on a string and when he told me that he just didn't want to date one girl, I said oh well, guess I will date a couple of guys that were interested in me at the time.  What he is upset with is the fact that I had sex with one of the guys  and 12 years later he says he hears about it at work, and he specifically said in our dating years for me not to date someone from out where he works..  It wasn't like  I set out to date someone from his work,  which like over 1500 hundred people work where he works.  I'm not saying what I did was right, but he wasn't committed to me at the time.  Once we moved in together I never saw any of these guys again.  My counselor that I saw said he has double standard issues that it was okay for him to see more than one, but women aren't supose to do that..  I'm not sure but I feel it is deeper than that, because I don't care to know the details of what he did with each one of these girls and who performed the best and which one do I prefer.  To me that is so sick, why would you want to know those things..I was married before I met him for seven years and was faithful, my husband wanted a younger woman, so anyways I don't know what the real answer is to this, lookig at his family now they were very dysfunctional, they all have some sort of problem, drinking, the dad was verbal abusive to the mom, and they have all had  marriage problems in other realtions..  I am just taking one day at a time and hope for the best.. Sometimes my husband will drink too much, but then he will go for days and not touch the stuff.. I don't understand that either cause I was raised in a home where we didn'tdrink..  But when he does drink he doesn't know when to stop and he drinks until he just passses out...  I wished now that I would have known more about all the family issues he had with his on family before I got involved..  On top of that we have had to deal with the fact that his dad shot his self eleven years ago and that was hard, his dad had bad health after all the years of drinking he had done and later had his leg amputated...  Thanks for the rsponse and I wish you the best in your life....

 
July 29, 2005, 7:19 am CDT

online cheating

Hello,I want to get some advice from any women that may have encountered my problem....I have been married for a yr now we have a 4mo old and a 4yr old.My husband and I met online...It was my first experience to any of the online dating sene...for him though,,,he had been doing it awhile before me.When we were dating I found that he was still communicating with online friends...or whatever you call them...we addressed it and I thought he had found all he needed in me..when he asked me to be his wife.my son is 4mo now and while I was pregnant I found long didtance #s in his phone...as far as Canada!Come to find out the woman in Canada was having a online/via phone relationship with him! For 10 mo1She did not know anything about me...his children...he made up another idenity...But...she knew his name,he gave her his mothers address!I was so let down to hear this...they would have explicit sexual conversations...via web cam too....I was shaking so hard it could of been a earthquake!I confronted him....oh boy what a mess....he says he was just joking around no meaning to it...yeah right...for 10 months I don't think so..the woman said she'd never have anymore contact with him...but why did I find out just the next day after all of this...he was calling some other woman!!!!!!This is getting out of hand...I feel betrayed ,words cannot expain,so I wonder if he's capable of all this what else is he capable of...what if these women came to see him?what if they were in the same state...I cannot go on wondering what he is doing it will send me to the crazy house!Anyone out there have any advice?been through this before?Thanks
 
July 29, 2005, 10:57 am CDT

online affair

Quote From: missnc

Hello,I want to get some advice from any women that may have encountered my problem....I have been married for a yr now we have a 4mo old and a 4yr old.My husband and I met online...It was my first experience to any of the online dating sene...for him though,,,he had been doing it awhile before me.When we were dating I found that he was still communicating with online friends...or whatever you call them...we addressed it and I thought he had found all he needed in me..when he asked me to be his wife.my son is 4mo now and while I was pregnant I found long didtance #s in his phone...as far as Canada!Come to find out the woman in Canada was having a online/via phone relationship with him! For 10 mo1She did not know anything about me...his children...he made up another idenity...But...she knew his name,he gave her his mothers address!I was so let down to hear this...they would have explicit sexual conversations...via web cam too....I was shaking so hard it could of been a earthquake!I confronted him....oh boy what a mess....he says he was just joking around no meaning to it...yeah right...for 10 months I don't think so..the woman said she'd never have anymore contact with him...but why did I find out just the next day after all of this...he was calling some other woman!!!!!!This is getting out of hand...I feel betrayed ,words cannot expain,so I wonder if he's capable of all this what else is he capable of...what if these women came to see him?what if they were in the same state...I cannot go on wondering what he is doing it will send me to the crazy house!Anyone out there have any advice?been through this before?Thanks
If I and others one here (I'm sure they'll weigh in here pretty soon) give you permission to think of what he did with that woman in Canada and what he continues to do with other women as adultery, will that have any effect on how you handle this situation? You husband HAS cheated on you; in fact he continues to cheat on you. And he's not going to stop because you've somehow allowed him the excuse that it's just he internet and so therefore it's not really cheating. You need to redefine adultery for him. Make it very clear that you consider any contact he has with these women to be cheating and you will in the future respond to it exactly the same way you would if he were banging his secretary. And tell him what that response would be.
 
July 29, 2005, 11:04 am CDT

therapy

Quote From: confused

 

I agree with you in the fact that it stained the image he had of me in being a good girl in his eyes just sitting at home waiting for my turn til he got around to seeing me..  We weren't even living together at the time, just dating, he had like 8 girls on a string and when he told me that he just didn't want to date one girl, I said oh well, guess I will date a couple of guys that were interested in me at the time.  What he is upset with is the fact that I had sex with one of the guys  and 12 years later he says he hears about it at work, and he specifically said in our dating years for me not to date someone from out where he works..  It wasn't like  I set out to date someone from his work,  which like over 1500 hundred people work where he works.  I'm not saying what I did was right, but he wasn't committed to me at the time.  Once we moved in together I never saw any of these guys again.  My counselor that I saw said he has double standard issues that it was okay for him to see more than one, but women aren't supose to do that..  I'm not sure but I feel it is deeper than that, because I don't care to know the details of what he did with each one of these girls and who performed the best and which one do I prefer.  To me that is so sick, why would you want to know those things..I was married before I met him for seven years and was faithful, my husband wanted a younger woman, so anyways I don't know what the real answer is to this, lookig at his family now they were very dysfunctional, they all have some sort of problem, drinking, the dad was verbal abusive to the mom, and they have all had  marriage problems in other realtions..  I am just taking one day at a time and hope for the best.. Sometimes my husband will drink too much, but then he will go for days and not touch the stuff.. I don't understand that either cause I was raised in a home where we didn'tdrink..  But when he does drink he doesn't know when to stop and he drinks until he just passses out...  I wished now that I would have known more about all the family issues he had with his on family before I got involved..  On top of that we have had to deal with the fact that his dad shot his self eleven years ago and that was hard, his dad had bad health after all the years of drinking he had done and later had his leg amputated...  Thanks for the rsponse and I wish you the best in your life....

Yep, you guys need a lot of help. He refuses to seek therapy, though, doesn't he. Perhaps you could suggest that the two of you read one of Dr. Phil's books together. Short of this, I don't know what to tell you. If he refuses to work with you to improve the marriage and you're truly miserable . . . well, you two have been married for a long time. It would be easy for me to say leave him; I'm not in love with him. You are, right? So you have to keep working at it. Maybe the two of you need some time apart. Could you lay it all on the line, tell him exactly all the things that are bothering you (including the drinking) and making it impossible for you to be happy in this marriage and then disappear for a few days to give you some time to think and him some time to think? Just a suggestion.

 
July 30, 2005, 5:29 pm CDT

Lilac is right

Quote From: missnc

Hello,I want to get some advice from any women that may have encountered my problem....I have been married for a yr now we have a 4mo old and a 4yr old.My husband and I met online...It was my first experience to any of the online dating sene...for him though,,,he had been doing it awhile before me.When we were dating I found that he was still communicating with online friends...or whatever you call them...we addressed it and I thought he had found all he needed in me..when he asked me to be his wife.my son is 4mo now and while I was pregnant I found long didtance #s in his phone...as far as Canada!Come to find out the woman in Canada was having a online/via phone relationship with him! For 10 mo1She did not know anything about me...his children...he made up another idenity...But...she knew his name,he gave her his mothers address!I was so let down to hear this...they would have explicit sexual conversations...via web cam too....I was shaking so hard it could of been a earthquake!I confronted him....oh boy what a mess....he says he was just joking around no meaning to it...yeah right...for 10 months I don't think so..the woman said she'd never have anymore contact with him...but why did I find out just the next day after all of this...he was calling some other woman!!!!!!This is getting out of hand...I feel betrayed ,words cannot expain,so I wonder if he's capable of all this what else is he capable of...what if these women came to see him?what if they were in the same state...I cannot go on wondering what he is doing it will send me to the crazy house!Anyone out there have any advice?been through this before?Thanks

Just because this isn't physical (that you know of) doesn't mean it's not cheating.  If you do a google search on online cheating and divorces because of it, you will see that even the law is also starting to recognize this as a form of infidelity.  If it did come down to a divorce and you needed to, these women can be called into the divorce court to substantiate the infidelity - bet neither he or them would like that too much.

It's time to give him an ultimatum; it's them or you.  He knows what he was/is doing was/is wrong or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to hide it from you.  He knows he's playing with fire and it's a matter of time before he actually meets with one of these women. 

Change your email so that you only have one for the two of you.  Make sure the cell phone bills come directly to you or set it up online so you can see a history of the phone calls.  And I'd also contact all these numbers on the bill that are unfamiliar to you and let them know he is married.  He didn't tell this woman in Canada that he was, so I doubt any of these other women know either.  He's playing them as badly as he is you.

If you want this to work with him, I suggest counseling and I think you need to get started on it quickly.  Best of luck and let us know how you are doing.

 
July 31, 2005, 3:33 pm CDT

Tired of phone calls

I recently wrote in reference to my husband making and receiving phone calls from his cell phone to/from other women.  One in particular left two quite inappropriate messages which I heard.  I confronted him and of course, he said she's just a "friend".   To make a very long story short, we went through this 5 years ago when I was pregnant with our first son.  We have two boys now - four and 21 months.  (I lost my job in Feb 2004 and received a generous severance package and had been at home since the birth of our second child. ) He says the reason for his behavior is because I haven't been working when he said he wanted me home to raise his children.  I have recently started a part time gig which works out well in our situation as it enables me to be home in the afternoon with the boys.  

 

I had a serious conversation with him at the end of June and told him in no uncertain terms that I felt like we were headed for divorce and I wanted the extracurricular activity (calls, etc) to stop.  He doesn't see anything wrong with this.  He claims I don't want him to have any friends.  That's not it at all - I just feel as though if he has female friends, they should be friends with me as well.  He knows my male friends, and I talk to them on the phone in front of him.  I have nothing to hide.  Anyway, he said nothing - no emotion, no nothing.  I told him I had the number of an attorney that I was going to speak with to consider my options.  Fast forward two weeks to my birthday - nothing had been said by him in reference to our conversation on the state of our marriage.  I figure he thinks if he doesn't acknowledge it, it will go away.  So I bring it up again - he says he would agree to see a counselor - mine, because he already knew the issues I had.  I gave him the number and he still hasn't done anything about it.  My counselor said he would see him but prior to the appointment he wanted him to read the first four chapters of Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue.  I bought the book at the end of June and now he says that he hasn't set up an appointment because he has just picked up the book to start reading it.  (I know that he hasn't touched it - it's still in the same place it was three weeks ago.)  He said that now that I'm working, some of the stress and his resentment should be resolved.

 

Anyway, my question is this - do I sit him down AGAIN, and give him a definite deadline for action? I'm thinking 10 days max - I haven't spoken with the attorney yet, but I know I need to.  I'm so tired of this whole situation because even though I have asked for a change in behavior, the phone calls continue....I have a friend at the other girl's cell phone company that is looking to see how much activity is taking place between them.  We have been married for almost 10 years and the fact that I have two small boys weighs heavy on my heart.  They worship the ground he walks on but I DESERVE respect and to be the only woman that matters, in his life.  I just need some input. 

 
August 1, 2005, 11:57 am CDT

thanks

Quote From: rsthoughts

Just because this isn't physical (that you know of) doesn't mean it's not cheating.  If you do a google search on online cheating and divorces because of it, you will see that even the law is also starting to recognize this as a form of infidelity.  If it did come down to a divorce and you needed to, these women can be called into the divorce court to substantiate the infidelity - bet neither he or them would like that too much.

It's time to give him an ultimatum; it's them or you.  He knows what he was/is doing was/is wrong or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to hide it from you.  He knows he's playing with fire and it's a matter of time before he actually meets with one of these women. 

Change your email so that you only have one for the two of you.  Make sure the cell phone bills come directly to you or set it up online so you can see a history of the phone calls.  And I'd also contact all these numbers on the bill that are unfamiliar to you and let them know he is married.  He didn't tell this woman in Canada that he was, so I doubt any of these other women know either.  He's playing them as badly as he is you.

If you want this to work with him, I suggest counseling and I think you need to get started on it quickly.  Best of luck and let us know how you are doing.

hey thanks for the advice1he realizes what a ***** hes made,i did give him the choice..me or the damn internet...i also let him know that if i find out about any of this crap again ...i'm gone,so we'll see if he wants to throw this all away the ball is in his hands now,we do need counsleing...he refuses to go though ,i will go for my well being...and if he does'nt show any want for change,i'll let him move the heck out..cause i refuse to be in a marriage thats a lie.thanks again for all of the advice!
 
August 1, 2005, 7:26 pm CDT

miss

Quote From: missnc

hey thanks for the advice1he realizes what a ***** hes made,i did give him the choice..me or the damn internet...i also let him know that if i find out about any of this crap again ...i'm gone,so we'll see if he wants to throw this all away the ball is in his hands now,we do need counsleing...he refuses to go though ,i will go for my well being...and if he does'nt show any want for change,i'll let him move the heck out..cause i refuse to be in a marriage thats a lie.thanks again for all of the advice!
Unfortunately, he may just get better at hiding all of this from you, now that he's been caught. If he were truly repentent, he'd be willing to go to therapy. He'd be willing to do anything to keep you. If I were you, I'd start getting my finances in order and making plans to leave. He may be sorry that he got caught, but that's a far cry from sorry for what he's done. It just doesn't sound very promising to me. Sorry.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Next | Last