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Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

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June 22, 2009, 9:21 pm CDT

Emotional Infidelity

I have been married for several years. Not the best marriage, however we have a child we are raising, and trying to see this through.

For the last couple of years there has been a Woman that hangs around one of the house's that a few of the men get together at a few times a week. Eventually, she started "dating" one of the guys. For sometime now I have suspected that my husband is "infatuated" with her. I have several reasons to beleive this as well as comments from other people. (Did I mention this girl is NOT attractive and low intelligence)

after quitely observing his behavier in her presence, I can only conclude that he is somehow infatuated with her. Maybe things have gone further, I really don't know.

I recently confronted him with what I had observed. Of course he hates confrontation and thinks I am crazy.

I do KNOW what I have seen, and feel whatever has happened or is going on is infidelity. I don't beleive you have to have intercourse to be unfaithful.

I am sick of the disrespect toward me, and of course the refusal to talk about the subject and just try to ignore it.

He has twice recently, yelled and screamed at me in front of her, as to put on a show for no good reason.

i would like some advice on how to handle this situation to regain my dignity, and try to get him to be honest and deal with this.

Thanks!

 

 

 
July 14, 2009, 4:15 pm CDT

Texting from personal phone

I have been married to my husband for 7 years now but has been together for 12 years. I just found out that he is texting a younger female from his personal phone. I asked him about this and he says that she wanted to talk about her marital affairs for advice. My husband is in the military and I know that females will have conversations with him but I think that this is too personal. I was told by him that he has not talked to her in 2wks.......that is a lie. They are texting each other on a daily basis. We are not communicating as we should. I want to believe that there is nothing going on but my heart tells me differently.

 
July 15, 2009, 11:36 am CDT

Reality vs what you want to believe

Quote From: solesista2006

I have been married to my husband for 7 years now but has been together for 12 years. I just found out that he is texting a younger female from his personal phone. I asked him about this and he says that she wanted to talk about her marital affairs for advice. My husband is in the military and I know that females will have conversations with him but I think that this is too personal. I was told by him that he has not talked to her in 2wks.......that is a lie. They are texting each other on a daily basis. We are not communicating as we should. I want to believe that there is nothing going on but my heart tells me differently.

Sista, you are wise not to let your wish to believe what he says delude you. Cheaters always count on that.

It may not have progressed to the physical point but if not addressed, that is where it's headed.

Ask him what qualifies him to be a marriage counselor? Does he have a degree or certificate? He is obviously NOT being attentive to his own marriage, and so the rightful conclusion is that this is just an excuse to have a relationship with another woman.

Also, you know he is lying because you have proof.

 

So, you're next step would be to think about YOUR options and what YOU want to do. Know that doing nothing means nothing will change for YOU.

If you want to save your marriage, your actions might include seeing how willing he is to work with you, If you decide to pack it in, make your arrangements.

Just remember, he is the one that caused you to think about what is best and right for YOU. When he began this behavior, he took himself out of your considerations about what is right and best for YOU.

 It was his decision to seek whatever it is he feels he lacks from another instead of coming to you and finding a way to communicate his needs. He took a lazy and self-serving step to solve a problem that should have been solved between the two of you. You may hear things like you didn't pay enough attention to him, and they may be true, but the decision to look elsewhere was his.

 
August 9, 2009, 7:39 pm CDT

Should A Spouse continue to conversate with an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend?

Here's the scenario: Husband and Wife are newlyweds. Prior to the wedding, an ex-girlfriend came back into the picture while husband and wife were dating. The guy talked with the ex about getting back together and fiance found out. The guy says there was nothing to it, old feelings came rushing back for a fleeting moment, but it wasn't reality. Fiance forgave and the couple moved forward and got married. A few months into the marriage, wife finds out that husband and the ex are still talking to each other, not just a few minutes, but hours over the phone and via email and text. Husband says there's nothing going on and that it's just a "release" to be able to talk to an old "friend". Wife feels he should be able to talk to her, not another woman. She feels its emotional infidelity. How would you feel if your husband/wife continued to talk with his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to this extent and what would you do?
 
August 10, 2009, 8:42 am CDT

Your expectations and core values

Quote From: texasbride

Here's the scenario: Husband and Wife are newlyweds. Prior to the wedding, an ex-girlfriend came back into the picture while husband and wife were dating. The guy talked with the ex about getting back together and fiance found out. The guy says there was nothing to it, old feelings came rushing back for a fleeting moment, but it wasn't reality. Fiance forgave and the couple moved forward and got married. A few months into the marriage, wife finds out that husband and the ex are still talking to each other, not just a few minutes, but hours over the phone and via email and text. Husband says there's nothing going on and that it's just a "release" to be able to talk to an old "friend". Wife feels he should be able to talk to her, not another woman. She feels its emotional infidelity. How would you feel if your husband/wife continued to talk with his/her ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to this extent and what would you do?

The answer to your dilemma depends on what you expect from your husband and how you react to the truth.

 

Personally, I think that if your husband talked about getting back together with an old flame on the eve of your wedding, he is not ready for marriage to you or anybody else. The fact that he is now in contact regularly with this woman for hours at a time in various ways underscores that he is not ready for marriage.

You are entirely correct, he should be talking to you, not her or any other woman. The only time this would not be so is if you both discussed and agreed that an "open" marriage is what you both want. It may be emotional infidelity, but I think all out physical cheating is right around the corner if it hasn't already begun.

 

The question is whether you're going to keep listening to his excuses and letting him off the hook? What would he have to do in order for you to trust him again? What will you do if he is unwilling to do these things for you? How will you be assured that he is being faithful to you? What if he complies for awhile, but then goes back to old habits? Think about this, be very clear about your wants, and then confront him. It is likely that he will deny an affair til his death, most cheaters do so don't count on a confession. Be true to yourself and if he is not worthy of marriage, cut your losses before a huge loss of your own self esteem occurs.

 
August 14, 2009, 1:58 am CDT

My wife

Hello need some help. Me and my wife are together 24 hours a day 7 days awake. When we go out and any girl looks at me. We have had this problem since the beginning of our marriage. We have moved far away from were we were living because of her accusations. Now she keeps telling me that she can cheat to. I have not cheated on her not even once. We are always together so i do not understand her logic in her accusations. All of our fights are caused by this. When we are out i look at the ground or try to look sad so no one will talk to me. Please help

 
August 18, 2009, 11:39 am CDT

More info?

Quote From: patrick51

Hello need some help. Me and my wife are together 24 hours a day 7 days awake. When we go out and any girl looks at me. We have had this problem since the beginning of our marriage. We have moved far away from were we were living because of her accusations. Now she keeps telling me that she can cheat to. I have not cheated on her not even once. We are always together so i do not understand her logic in her accusations. All of our fights are caused by this. When we are out i look at the ground or try to look sad so no one will talk to me. Please help

Your wife sounds insecure. Did she have a previous relationship that dissolved due to cheating? Or maybe her parents cheated?

Please don't take offense to this, but did you two get together while one of you was married or in a serious relationship with another?  Have you ever cheated, and she knows about it? Has she ever cheated and you know about it?

Sorry if this all sounds nosy, I'm trying to understand why she might be so insecure as to be jealous of another woman even looking at you.

Her insecurity may be a bottomless pit, and no matter what you do she may not get over it without some outside help. If you can determine where her insecurity springs from, you might want to discuss it with her. If this does not help, seek counseling.

 
August 31, 2009, 5:31 am CDT

Am I being selfish???

Quote From: confused75

I previously had a private arrangement with my ex when we were getting along okay, that we would both agree to a certain amount he pays, for child support every fortnight. Now at this time we had arranged $450 fortnight despite the fact that if we went through child support, he would have to pay $600 fortnight. As my ex earned alot, he was suppose to pay $600 fortnight. The reason I agreed to $450 is because I worked full time and he worked shift work, so certain weekdays he would have the 2 girls, 3x week and my mum had them 2x week. My mum had to travel from another town which takes 40mins. I did not feel comfortable with non family members looking after my girls, so my mum would drive down and she was also happy to do this.

Then things started to get difficult with my ex and I. He would only want look after girls at his convenience and his attention level with girls decreased. He later admitted seeing someone and then it was clear why his attention to our girls had decreased. He started deliberately distancing himself from girls and I, and I had enough!!! I thought it was time to take some action and think about what was best for the girls and I. I had always wanted to move back to the same town as my parents and family, which was 40mins away, but did not want to take my girls away from their dad.

After some deep conversations with close friends and family, it was clear that I had to be surrounded with people who could offer me and girls support. I quit my job and moved to town where parents leave. I also went to child support and got them to collect the money for me, as I no longer wanted a private arrangement. I did not realise that by being on a private arrangement I was not only getting lesser payments from girls dad, but because their social security system thought I was getting $600 fortnight, they paid me less for family benefits a fortnight.

I still feel deeply guilty for getting out of the private arrangement and did at one stage go back to it. My ex blames me for him being broke all the time and that he cannot pay for his mortgage. He evens tells my girls, when he seems them, that he can't buy anything because I have taken all of his money.  

How can I stop all this guilt and how do I explain to my girls who are 5 and 9yrs old, that I am not taking all his money, when I do feel I am. I know alot of people feel the child support money he pays me is ridiculous and I am starting to think again that maybe I should go back to a private agreement because I don't want to be called a money hungry person. Please help see what is the best method for me and the girls!!!!

 

I am at a point where I am unsure if I should continue my studies with Bachelor of Nursing degree. I hav worked in previous office admin positions and did not really enjoy the work but last worked as an Nurse Assistant and really enjoyed the job and decided to further my skills by studying.

Although I am enjoying my course I am torn between continuing with the course as I have a 10yr old daughter and 6yr old daughter and I am a single mum. We are living with my mum at the moment as it is financially better for us at the moment. I was relying on her to help me with my girls while studying, but now my mum's health is deteriorating and the reality is that I may not rely on her much now, for support. 

I also feel now, it is not fair to put this pressure on her, due to her health problems and her also getting older as she turns 64yrs old this year. 

Basically I feel that this is probably not the right profession for me at ths time, especialy when nursing involves shift work.. On the other hand am I being selfish if I feel that by pursuing my studies, at the end of the road we would be better off as I would earn more money and provide the girls more financial stability....Maybe I should delay studies until girls are older and find a job that is available during school hours?????

Could you please offer some advice?????

 
September 2, 2009, 1:48 am CDT

It was me

I have been married for 13 years this October and have been married to a really wonderful guy. I really love
him but I honestly have not shown it throughout our marriage. We were married when I was 20 and I admit,
I was extremely immature then. I felt very selfimportant (I think that is a word) and, even though
we had a great relationship to each other, emotionally I was an immature jackarse. I cheated on him
about a year into our marriage. It is hard to explain why I did it..I guess I could go on and on defending
myself and explaining why but it does not take back what I did or the end result. I never had contact
with the person who I did it afterwords but that became the first break in our marrige. And my husband
forgave me (although I cannot say he really did...now that I am older and a small bit wiser, I guess you
really cannot forgive someone who has done this to you. Nor honestly can the cheater really forgive
themselves nor do they deserve to).

So two years later I had just graduated from college, got a really great job that required us moving
to a different area. We had a wonderful house. Then two years later I did it again. I had "met" some
guy over the Internet..decided he was the ONE and actually left my husband for a weekend to go and
meet this guy. I came back, husband and I were at the brink. And yet, something in us didn't completly
break. Things calmed down, and then I became pregnant. And then our first child, that child that
deserved so much more than being born to an arse of a mother and a really great father..he died.
And I don't think I ever felt such pain as when they disconnected my son from the machine keeping him alive..but then I come to think that my husband went through that emotional pain when I disconnected from him and decided to do what I wanted to do.

But we talked..went to counselors (who stopped talking to us really after our son died) and "moved on". Now fast forward 10 years to now. Yes we talk about the past..and no I have not cheated since then. Have we had more children? Yes..two in fact. They both died as well when they were newborns due to different
complications. And I don't know how my husband has put up with it without completly melting down..but he hasn't.

I decided a few years ago when we moved to a new area close to his family that I would work in a new field. So I went back to college and am now finishing a degree in a new area that has nothing to do
with my old field. I figured it would be better for us and I feel much better about myself. On the outside, I guess we look like the perfect couple. And we have a really good relationship with each other (considering what I did, I am amazed at my husband every day).

So now we come to the reason I wrote this letter. My problem is that even though I do not do anything I did in the past, I have a problem with certain habits. I like to sneak eat candy, sometimes snus, and that drives my husband quite mad. I don't really know why I do it..I guess it is another power trip on my half. I do everything he asks me but sometimes I feel like a grey cloud just comes over me, and I sneak eat again. I also don't take care of myself like I should and have a horrible habit of stopping medication and such because I feel fine. He told me this morning that I am abusing him by doing this. And this kills me since I don't want to ever abuse him. I don't really know what to do anymore with myself. I am just disgusted with myself and tired of it (not suicidelly tired, just tired).
 
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