Topic : Infidelity

I just want to say thank you for your input just one thing does this meen this stuff with the internet?  he was doing this in his last marriage of ten years he was only divorced for a year and a half befor we got married. 

thanks again  

Vickie 

When I watched this show I was horified by what I saw. The lack of emotion from the parents of the 17 year old cheerleader for the family of the young man that was killed. Their ONE and ONLY concern was their daughter. Where that may seem normal, a little empathy and sympathy for the other family would have been nice. Instead they screamed at them and told them that it was all their fault. They tried to take all of the blame off their daughter. No one (including both familes) will ever know the real truth that happened that night but the 2 that were involved and unfortunately one is dead and the other one is fighting for her life. A lot of the facts that were presented did not seem to make any sense. If you fear for your life from someone, you most certainly are not going to voluntarily drive over there nor once you have gotten away are you about to turn around to go back because you forgot something. If the plea agreement that they received was not appropriate, why didn't someone stand up in court and say something? Why did she sign it voluntarily. Also, the girls mother kept saying that her daughter was not the type that would be able to run someone over, but everytime the mother of the boy tried to say that her son was not the type to jump in front of a fast moving car she would say that she didn't know her son  very well. Well, I say that I don't think either side may have known either of their kids very well. Especially if there was alleged abuse going on and neither parents did anything about it. This young girl took this plea bargain and I believe that she needs to live with what she excepted. She at least has a life to look forward to at the end of it all, where as the dead boy has nothing. 

I am 48 and have been married for 32 years,about  14 years ago my husband had an affair.At the time I was devasted,everyone always looked at us as the perfect couple.I did take ownership in my part,and we did get through it.Things seemed better than they had ever been,until about 2 years ago,I never made it a point to check my husband breifcase,and one night I did.I found a swingers magizen with an aid and picture,it was my husband.I also found a letter from a couple who were inviting him to there home.I showed it to him and off course he said it was just a prank that he and some guys were doing,(My husband is in the military and is away a lot,sometime of his own choicing).We got past that,well not really but we went on with life.At Christmas I found him posting in a chat room.I brought that up he said it was just fun..I know I'm soo stupit,,I guess I need a hanner to hit me in the head!!!! The thing that gets me is he tells me a hundred times a day how much he loves me how much the family means to him,how he could never live without us,,,,how can someone do this to someone whom they claim to love so much????? 

If you will look at my previous posts.  You'll find I went through the typical areas when your spouse is having an affair.  I had the suspicion of her demeanor change.  Spending less time with me and not wanting to be with me.  Telling me the relationship problems were all my fault and that I needed to fix them...  Blah, blah, blah..... 

Once I discovered the 'other' relationship was happening I told my wife how unacceptable this was.  I really think she knew it and I really believe it stopped.  As far as the kissing on the mouth and sneaking around.  Now you ask .....why am I asking if I did the right thing??? 

The guy my wife had the extra relationship with was a guest in our house from Korea.  An exchange student.  I've checked with legal counsel and nothing illegal occured, but inappriopriate for sure 

In December when I discovered what was happening in my house.  I and my wife talked and I said I should kick her out of the house, and send him home right then..  She begged and pleaded to let him stay and she promised to stop all the activity with him.  I asked her what would we benefit if he stayed, she said "you'll get your wife back."  I know dumb me.   

Well after watching him take advantage of my goodness for 3+ months.  I found myself becoming more angry at both of them.  I was so messed up in the head, I was placed on an anti depressant and the ups and downs of the meds really created difficult times for me and my wife.  Some days I just could NOT stop myself from venting my hostility to her and the boy still living in my house. 

She kept telling me the relationship between them was no longer that "way."  And I did notice they stayed far away from each other when I was around.  Well last Friday I contacted the agency and moved him home, right after that my wife moved herself out.  So I sit here all by myself.  Not knowing if she is going to return to work on this marriage.   

I know many will say she needs to be gone........I want her back with me,  The mother of my children, my friend.............. 

Let me fill you in on a few things.  Your wife did not stop seeing this boy. She kept the affair up the whole time only better hidden from you.  If she really felt remorse when she talked with you the first time she would have respected you feelings and agreed with moving the boy back. What she did was bribe you so she could continue to see him and have sex with him.   You have been used and abused both mentally and emotionally.  You want her back. You must like abuse. Go see a counselor to sort out your feelings.   

    When your wife found out that the student had been shipped back she moved.out What was this to do punish you?  Punish your children?  Basically this affair means more to your wife than you do, your marriage or your kids.  She is drunk in love with this kid. She doesn't love you any more and is punishing you for having the courage to send the boy back. You should have done it in Dec. and you should have started counseling then.  You said that your wife was your friend. If a friend used you like that they would no longer be your friend.  With a wife like yours who needs enemies. You were so tore up you went on anti-depressents.  How sad.  Take your dignity and your life back. Go see a counselor and start working out(much better than drugs) and see a divorce lawer ASAP. Your wife no longer loves or repects you. Even if she comes back she will treat you like dirt and many more affairs are on the way.  Since she left you might be able to keep the kids.  Stand tall for them as they know something was up. Show them that self respect means only accepting healthy relationships.  Get some courage and be a man here as Dr. Phil would say. Take charge for your kids and move her out.  Hell yes you did the right thing - only 3 months late.      

Rachel, 

       He's been lieing to you for years. Sorry to say and I'm sure it hurts like hell. He has been cheating on you and feels it is his right. You need to make some decisions here.  If you want to stay he needs to go to counseling and come clean.  But it is going to take a pile of forgiveness on your part which he certainly does not deserve.  If he doesn't come clean then you can't have a relationship based on lies. Honesty is part of the foundation of all healthy relationships.  Don't accept any crap about the affairs being your fault. They are not!!! they are his. If he doesn't come clean or won't admit to the problem or go to counseling I would advise getting the meanest divorce attorney in you area as well as retaining the next 2 best and let him have it right between the eyes. 

If you decide the divorce route I would when he is away change all the accounts move the money change the locks and serve him when he lands at the airport and never let him back. He doesn't deserve it. Good luck. 

Someone said I wouldn't find permission on this sight - just to calrify that is not what I was looking for. 

I do beleive I love my husband deep down - I can't imagine my life without him or my family and he is a very supportive and good man. I guess what I'm trying to sort out in my head is whether or not what I'm going thru has any normalcy to it. I think I might be addicted to the feeling of attractiveness to someone I might meet - even though it is very unlikely I would take it beyond flirting. Is it okay to be in love with my husband and still sort of feel a connection with someone else even if you don't act on it? Should there ever be a sort of connection between me and someone else? I could never do anything to hurt my family or him. But I am torn inside a bit wondering if the things that I feel from time to time are things I should be feeling. 

leanne1 

       Leanne I thought I really did answer the questions you asked. It is normal to flirt but any feelings of connection beyond that is and emotional affair and is wrong. It is very hard to say no to someone who you are emotionally connected to especially if you have had a few drinks. You will care about him. He will sense it and go in for the kill. Can you say affair faster than than you realized it. It is very normal to lose the passion in a marriage where kids , the trash , jobs and the house take all the free time. 90% of marriages end up here. it is hard to stay passionate about syour spouse when you are always discussing bills and debating house projects and kid issues. My recommendation is go to counseling so you understand yourself better and these feelings and put them in the proper perspective.. Then you can take the next step and communicate and connect with your husband and get the passion back. You sound like you have a great marriage that needs a passion tune-up.  You have no idea what a gift you already have. Don't throw it away due to boredom, romance neglect and the grass is greener syndrome. Remember both of you are responsible for the romance and passion.  Then once you are where you want with your counseling start marriage counseling so you are communicating the best that you 2 can. Rather a tune up then disaster recovery. I would also recommend going to a marriage workshop as a way to have some romance time and time away from the kids as well as investing in marital skills which it seems men and woman don't have many of. Don't let your husband not go to counseling. Just remember to speak Martian. Set time aside to discuss this and this only. Be blunt straight forward and 2 the point.    Good luck to you and best wishes for you and your family.