Topic : Infidelity

MT, 

      Hope you see this. Congratulations on leaving the "Valley of Lost Souls" . It must be quite glorious to clear the fog and see the sunshine once again.  I know all is not perfect or where you want them but at least you are back living with the real people.  Living , breathing and healing. And from here hopefully as I pointed out before you can decide what to be when you grow up. Go back and look at my posts to you on this subject and how to live life honorably.(It is a true gift to onesself and all those around us). They should make more sense to you now.  

Take care and good luck in your new found real life. 

          Regguy 

Ritehere, 

       You are right these boards are addicting and depressing. I am leaving all by the end of the month.  I did not say I was a control type.  I am a take charge and make it happen kind of guy. But I also see that it would be perceived the same. She gets to make plenty of decisions about the house, vacations etc.  I have no desire to change the basic person. She is basically a good person but like you carrying around this baggage from her upbringing that she needs to deal with. We just need to work on us to get along.  Your advice on counseling is a good idea. Is your e-mail still valid. There is much more for me to say on this subject and since you seem to have lived quite a bit of her side I would really appreciate getting some advice. Yes your experience was eerily similar. Let me know if I can e-mail you. 

Take care and thanks:      Regguy  

Thanks for the kudos!  I really do feel SO much better now that I have let go of the fantasy.  I finally feel like I can move forward with life--whatever I choose or whatever it brings.  Still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up, but I'm on the way to learning that.   I guess you gathered from my posts on the other board that I am also trying to open up to my husband.  We still definitely have issues, and he still refuses counseling, but I had a huge brick wall built up against him.  I am dismantling that wall brick by brick, and it's my hope that we can work together (and that he will finally listen!) to make our marriage what it should be.  If we can't, I hope we can at least be amicable.  I will go back and read your posts, as you suggest.  I have been reading posts on this Board but have remained an observer rather than a contributor. 

I hope you find happiness on your path, wherever it takes you. 

MT 

I am in the same situation -- its been 5 years and he knows how unhappy I am about it.  His answer is now to lie about the time he spends with her.  

Did your husband stop interacting with her?  How did you get him to see how inappropriate it is?  

I don't want to divorce, but I am beginning to think it is the only option for me.  

You expect validation from a man that has no morals or character. The only failure you have is in your choice of men. It is not you that has made this marriage a failure, it is your husband. I am sorry that you chose to marry this man after so many affairs, but you did. Now you have to decide if you are willing to continue to put up with this type of behavior. 

You don't need this man. You don't need him to validate you as a woman, wife, or mother. You are not the one that has no morals HE is. Obviously the women he has committed infidelity with have not more morals or character than HE has, as they would not be spreading their legs for a married man. Yes, this was not your friend that befriended you and slept with your husband. She is a harlot, just like the others. 

You need to decide what kind of life you want for your daughter, and what kind of example you want to set for her, as she is going to one day grow up, and surely you don't want to send her a message that it is okay for this kind of behavior to take place, as well as sending her a message that she should accept this type of behavior from her husband.  

You need to decide what you are willing to put up with. Your husband is a low life, no doubt, and you and your daughter deserve better. If you are not getting the emotional things you are needing from your husband, and he obviously is not going to change, get out now. You have not mentioned your age, but if you have a young daughter, I assume you are young yourself, and still have a lot of time to find someone that will show you the respect you deserve, and give you the romance you are needing. 

Moving on is not going to be easy, but you can at least take solace in the fact that you always took the high road, and did your best to make the best of the marriage. You can take solace in the fact that you did the right thing and get out of a situation before your husband brings home a deadly disease that will make an orphan out of your daughter. It will not be easy, and the pain will take time to heal but it will heal. 

You need to get out of the situation you are in, and focus on you and your daughter. You need to take time, maybe even counseling, to help you realize you are worth more than the treatment your husband has shown you. You need to focus on your self esteem and realize your true worth, which has nothing to do with your husband's view of you, your marriage, or the way he treats women. You have a daughter, and if you will focus on healing, and at the same time know that you are going to do everything you can to ensure your daughter does not allow a man to drag her down the way this man has done you, to the point to where you are looking to blame yourself, for an immoral man that lacks the character we of humankind still have. 

I hope this at least gives you some food for thought. Good luck, and realize these boards can be a wealth of support while you are going through this transition, and taking back your life, and living it to the fullest, to a new adventure that will be your future.