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May 27, 2007, 10:06 pm PDT

old friend

My husband has recently be met up with an old friend from 20 years ago. She is married and has 2 children and is having trouble in her marriage. I recently found out they have been emailing each other. You got it, I checked his email and found this out. I was totally devastated that he would confide in what I thought was a complete stranger. He told her stuff like..."I'm in a loveless marriage" "we can't talk to each other" "I'm hard on his kids" etc. All of this is not true as far a I'm concerned but he must feel there is some truth or he wouldn't tell her this right? True I had no business checking his email but regardless I did. I found out he told her quite alot about our lives together. Some of it true and some stretched to the limit. They been talking about getting together to talk....there is distance between them. Recently we went to a function and she was there and I could feel the tension. I asked my hubby what was wrong and he said nothing. Should I confront him and tell him I've been checking his email and found all this out or should I let it go and see what transpires between the two. And if something happens between the two to just say goodbye to him. I feel if I do confront him he'll say something like "I knew you were snooping so I thought I give you something to snoop about. On the other hand if I nip this in the bud he'll just do it again. He did chat with someone last year online and I told him I knew and he gave the reply I just told you about. Will he ever change or am I kidding myself.

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linda1967

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May 28, 2007, 11:00 am PDT

a little advice

Quote From: pickone

My husband has recently be met up with an old friend from 20 years ago. She is married and has 2 children and is having trouble in her marriage. I recently found out they have been emailing each other. You got it, I checked his email and found this out. I was totally devastated that he would confide in what I thought was a complete stranger. He told her stuff like..."I'm in a loveless marriage" "we can't talk to each other" "I'm hard on his kids" etc. All of this is not true as far a I'm concerned but he must feel there is some truth or he wouldn't tell her this right? True I had no business checking his email but regardless I did. I found out he told her quite alot about our lives together. Some of it true and some stretched to the limit. They been talking about getting together to talk....there is distance between them. Recently we went to a function and she was there and I could feel the tension. I asked my hubby what was wrong and he said nothing. Should I confront him and tell him I've been checking his email and found all this out or should I let it go and see what transpires between the two. And if something happens between the two to just say goodbye to him. I feel if I do confront him he'll say something like "I knew you were snooping so I thought I give you something to snoop about. On the other hand if I nip this in the bud he'll just do it again. He did chat with someone last year online and I told him I knew and he gave the reply I just told you about. Will he ever change or am I kidding myself.

if u were to let him know what u are doing it will just stop, and maybe go to another e-mail, or play it stupid and give it time so that u can find out more

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megchelle82

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May 28, 2007, 9:19 pm PDT

sooo.....

Quote From: misfitgirl

I am 26 and i had a drunken one night stand. I have only been married about 9 months. I too do not just blame the alcohol. What i did was wrong no matter what. I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I thought i could hide it from my hubby but i couldnt. i could not go on living this lie. I felt it was only right to come clean and fess up to my mistake. I dont know what you should do. Will your hubby leave you if you told him? I thought mine would and he didnt ( thank god).

I love him more than anything! It was not easy though. It killed me to see him hurting. And we have had some problems. But for the most part we are closer than ever now.

I wish you the best.

So, after dwelling on this and letting the guilt subconciously affect my marriage, I decided to just come clean to my husband last night. He was completely surprised and devastated, to say the least. However, not once did he raise his voice to me (we talked on the phone--kind of hard to discuss it in person when we are 16 time zones apart!). He reacted in a way that I don't think I would be able to if the roles were reversed--he just focused on us working together to overcome this and building trust again. He mentioned numerous times that although he is not happy at all with me (who can blame him?), he does forgive me. But, ironically, it seems that it is a lot more difficult for me to deal with than it did before confessing this to my husband. Perhaps keeping it a secret from him also forced it to the back of my mind, so I never thought about it too much. But now that it is out in the open, it is like a giant elephant in the living room that we both know we need to discuss further, but are both afraid to. Not only that, but because of our time difference, it is hard to have more than 15-20 minutes to talk to each other when we are both working, and obviously, this isn't something that can be talked about on my drive to work. So, hopefully we will be able to (eventually) overcome this and actually begin our marriage once he comes home in January!

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ritehere

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May 29, 2007, 3:12 pm PDT

You're kidding yourself

Quote From: pickone

My husband has recently be met up with an old friend from 20 years ago. She is married and has 2 children and is having trouble in her marriage. I recently found out they have been emailing each other. You got it, I checked his email and found this out. I was totally devastated that he would confide in what I thought was a complete stranger. He told her stuff like..."I'm in a loveless marriage" "we can't talk to each other" "I'm hard on his kids" etc. All of this is not true as far a I'm concerned but he must feel there is some truth or he wouldn't tell her this right? True I had no business checking his email but regardless I did. I found out he told her quite alot about our lives together. Some of it true and some stretched to the limit. They been talking about getting together to talk....there is distance between them. Recently we went to a function and she was there and I could feel the tension. I asked my hubby what was wrong and he said nothing. Should I confront him and tell him I've been checking his email and found all this out or should I let it go and see what transpires between the two. And if something happens between the two to just say goodbye to him. I feel if I do confront him he'll say something like "I knew you were snooping so I thought I give you something to snoop about. On the other hand if I nip this in the bud he'll just do it again. He did chat with someone last year online and I told him I knew and he gave the reply I just told you about. Will he ever change or am I kidding myself.

Think about your husband's actions. When you caught him last year, he told you, "I knew you were snooping so I thought I would give you something to snoop about." What kind of an answer is that? An innocent husband would have asked you why you felt the need to snoop, and an innocent husband would not have had such things for you to find would he? You bought his excuse and let him weave a fiction. Why? I don't know you, but probably because you love him and wanted to believe him.
By the way, why were you snooping? If you felt something was amiss, as a wife you have every right to check into his life to figure out what it is. As a husband he should not only expect it, he should feel that he has the same right if he thinks you are hiding something. Don't apologize if your instincts were screaming.
So, now you're afraid to confront him with your knowledge. Why? Again, I don't know you, but I'm guessing that you were manipulated last time and ended up feeling at fault. He managed to turn things around so that you felt like a shrew who was in the wrong. (This is a form of verbal abuse and manipulation.) You naturally don't want to feel like that again, so this time you're waiting for more "evidence."
Try to step out of the loving wife role for a moment and think objectively about this. Wanting to believe that nothing is going on, or that nothing further will develope won't make it so. He has told this woman flat out lies about you and his marriage. (Be real here, he didn't "stretch it", he lied.) Why would he do that? And why would they be making plans to meet? And why would she show up at a function you were at? What more evidence do you need? Yes, you're kidding yourself if you think he will change all by himself. For him to change he has to first acknowledge that he is cheating, then there has to be further changes in both of your attitudes towards marriage. If he is not willing to admit he has character problems, and be willing to do whatever it takes to win back your trust, nothing will change.

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pickone

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May 29, 2007, 8:46 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: ritehere

Think about your husband's actions. When you caught him last year, he told you, "I knew you were snooping so I thought I would give you something to snoop about." What kind of an answer is that? An innocent husband would have asked you why you felt the need to snoop, and an innocent husband would not have had such things for you to find would he? You bought his excuse and let him weave a fiction. Why? I don't know you, but probably because you love him and wanted to believe him.
By the way, why were you snooping? If you felt something was amiss, as a wife you have every right to check into his life to figure out what it is. As a husband he should not only expect it, he should feel that he has the same right if he thinks you are hiding something. Don't apologize if your instincts were screaming.
So, now you're afraid to confront him with your knowledge. Why? Again, I don't know you, but I'm guessing that you were manipulated last time and ended up feeling at fault. He managed to turn things around so that you felt like a shrew who was in the wrong. (This is a form of verbal abuse and manipulation.) You naturally don't want to feel like that again, so this time you're waiting for more "evidence."
Try to step out of the loving wife role for a moment and think objectively about this. Wanting to believe that nothing is going on, or that nothing further will develope won't make it so. He has told this woman flat out lies about you and his marriage. (Be real here, he didn't "stretch it", he lied.) Why would he do that? And why would they be making plans to meet? And why would she show up at a function you were at? What more evidence do you need? Yes, you're kidding yourself if you think he will change all by himself. For him to change he has to first acknowledge that he is cheating, then there has to be further changes in both of your attitudes towards marriage. If he is not willing to admit he has character problems, and be willing to do whatever it takes to win back your trust, nothing will change.

I did confront him and yes he denied everything. He told me how much he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me blah blah blah. I was furious. I handed him the phone and told him to call her, off course he refused. He told me our marriage was over if I called her. At this point I really didn't care. Well I called her. I told her to leave me, my husband and our family alone. She said they were just going to sit down and talk...well I had a few choice words for her. She apologized if she caused any problems in our marriage....like she really cares. Hubby said they are just friends and that he needs someone to talk to since I won't talk to him. Told him I won't talk to anyone who screams and swears at me. I asked him why she gave him her phone number and his reply was.....incase our marriage didn't workout. Pathetic isn't it. I came home today and he had flowers for me. The flowers were beautiful but the gesture meant absolutely nothing. He apologized and asked me to try to forgive him and that this was all his fault. I told him "yes you got that part right...this is your fault". How dare you hurt and humiliate me the way you have. I pointed to the door and said close it behind you. Well he begged me to forgive him etc. He's still here but I told him I have no trust in him. I'm still deciding what to do. I do love him and yes I know I'm crazy. I unlike him, take my wedding vows seriously. I'm not sure if this marriage will survive. I have no trust in him as a husband and I've expressed this to him over and over. I told him he needs to seek professional help. If he feels he needs to talk to some then a counsellor would be better than talking to a backstabbing woman. He said he'd contact a counsellor. Time will tell. The sand in his hour-glass is running out.

Ritehere....thank you for your objective and honest opinion. I really do appreciate it.

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ritehere

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May 30, 2007, 7:26 am PDT

The veil has been lifted

Quote From: pickone

I did confront him and yes he denied everything. He told me how much he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me blah blah blah. I was furious. I handed him the phone and told him to call her, off course he refused. He told me our marriage was over if I called her. At this point I really didn't care. Well I called her. I told her to leave me, my husband and our family alone. She said they were just going to sit down and talk...well I had a few choice words for her. She apologized if she caused any problems in our marriage....like she really cares. Hubby said they are just friends and that he needs someone to talk to since I won't talk to him. Told him I won't talk to anyone who screams and swears at me. I asked him why she gave him her phone number and his reply was.....incase our marriage didn't workout. Pathetic isn't it. I came home today and he had flowers for me. The flowers were beautiful but the gesture meant absolutely nothing. He apologized and asked me to try to forgive him and that this was all his fault. I told him "yes you got that part right...this is your fault". How dare you hurt and humiliate me the way you have. I pointed to the door and said close it behind you. Well he begged me to forgive him etc. He's still here but I told him I have no trust in him. I'm still deciding what to do. I do love him and yes I know I'm crazy. I unlike him, take my wedding vows seriously. I'm not sure if this marriage will survive. I have no trust in him as a husband and I've expressed this to him over and over. I told him he needs to seek professional help. If he feels he needs to talk to some then a counsellor would be better than talking to a backstabbing woman. He said he'd contact a counsellor. Time will tell. The sand in his hour-glass is running out.

Ritehere....thank you for your objective and honest opinion. I really do appreciate it.

Do you see now what a little clarity on your part will accomplish? I agree with you, he is pathetic. When his old tricks didn't work this time he goes on to the next trick in his bag, by telling you that if you call her the marriage is over. HA! He hasn't figured out that the marriage is already very close to being over, and he's the one that orchestrated it! All you did was shine the light of truth on his behavior. When that didn't work, he reached in the bag and came up with being sorry and buying flowers. So you know he has empty threats.
When we refuse to fall for the lame excuses, tantrums, and wheedling, and demand truth and honesty, our spouses show their true colors. I'm sorry to say that some, like your husband, revert to tactics that children use. You allowed the tactics of a child to sway you once, you must now be the adult.
If you decide to give him the chance he wants, make sure that he complies with the actions an adult would take. And those are a full confession of his wrongs, an acknowledgment of how he hurt you, (and that is many times the hardest to obtain) an admission that he needs some guidance in not letting it happen again, and a willingness to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to get you to trust him again.
You know him best, if you don't think he is capable of this, or that you are capable of trusting him again no matter what he does, you may want to cut your losses sooner than later.
Scroll up, or down, to "Relationships/Sex" for Dr Phil's advice on what to do after the affair.

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devi1w0man111

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May 30, 2007, 11:37 pm PDT

Gut Insincts

My husband just found out a few months ago that he has a severe heart condition, and may need a transplant. It has been very hard on him since he is only 30. He hasn't worked in several years and I thought this was ok with him. A few weeks ago, he started talking with an old friend from school. Now, he wants to go out with her and her friends every Saturday night. When he does, he isn't coming home until 4, 5, or even 6am. His take on it is that he can't just sit here and wait to die, and wants to live life. I can understand this part, but what I don't understand is I have had a gut instinct telling me more is going on with him and this old friend. I have saw emails that talk of meeting and I actually recorded his conversations on the phone while I was at work. I know that I probably shouldn't have done that, but I need to know and he continues to say nothing is going on. During a phone conversation, he talked of how glad he was that she was there for him, and that once he got out on his own that maybe they could get to know each other better. I know that things are tough between us right now. I constantly tell him that I don't trust him and I just want the truth. I think that I would feel better, if he would just tell me what was going on. He is starting to make me feel like I AM going crazy, but I know that I am not. He said that he wants to work things out between us but I am not sure that I can. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I know he is sneaking around behind my back and I just want it to stop. I need some advice on where to go from here.

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mmarie

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May 31, 2007, 5:09 am PDT

Why

Quote From: devi1w0man111

My husband just found out a few months ago that he has a severe heart condition, and may need a transplant. It has been very hard on him since he is only 30. He hasn't worked in several years and I thought this was ok with him. A few weeks ago, he started talking with an old friend from school. Now, he wants to go out with her and her friends every Saturday night. When he does, he isn't coming home until 4, 5, or even 6am. His take on it is that he can't just sit here and wait to die, and wants to live life. I can understand this part, but what I don't understand is I have had a gut instinct telling me more is going on with him and this old friend. I have saw emails that talk of meeting and I actually recorded his conversations on the phone while I was at work. I know that I probably shouldn't have done that, but I need to know and he continues to say nothing is going on. During a phone conversation, he talked of how glad he was that she was there for him, and that once he got out on his own that maybe they could get to know each other better. I know that things are tough between us right now. I constantly tell him that I don't trust him and I just want the truth. I think that I would feel better, if he would just tell me what was going on. He is starting to make me feel like I AM going crazy, but I know that I am not. He said that he wants to work things out between us but I am not sure that I can. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I know he is sneaking around behind my back and I just want it to stop. I need some advice on where to go from here.

I believe he is reacting out of fear and looking for excitement in life. He really needs to turn to you and not someone on the outside to discuss these fears and such. You know, he is 'grabbing for that lost time' and all. Have you sat him down and told him that you are his best friend, confidante and loving spouse and he can tell you, without judgement or fear of blame, all his innermost feelings no matter what they are? That you have stood by him through thick and thin and don't wish to lose the communication, trust and love of your relationship? He does need to come clean and talk with you and not be in denial. He needs to take you out with him; not go out with the friends. He is turning to them instead of you, while you there beside him the entire time, willing to listen to what his heart and soul are feeling. You are not going crazy and I believe this girl needs to get the heck out of his life. Why are these women always willing to take part in breaking up relationships? He is trying to get his youth back, when he was well, but this is not the way to go about it. Please, if you wish to save what you had, I urge you to try just one more time to talk with him, softly, caringly and honestly. If that doesn't work, you will need to make a choice as he is tearing your emotions apart with this juvenile behavior. Good Luck mmarie

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ritehere

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May 31, 2007, 5:57 am PDT

Where to go

Quote From: devi1w0man111

My husband just found out a few months ago that he has a severe heart condition, and may need a transplant. It has been very hard on him since he is only 30. He hasn't worked in several years and I thought this was ok with him. A few weeks ago, he started talking with an old friend from school. Now, he wants to go out with her and her friends every Saturday night. When he does, he isn't coming home until 4, 5, or even 6am. His take on it is that he can't just sit here and wait to die, and wants to live life. I can understand this part, but what I don't understand is I have had a gut instinct telling me more is going on with him and this old friend. I have saw emails that talk of meeting and I actually recorded his conversations on the phone while I was at work. I know that I probably shouldn't have done that, but I need to know and he continues to say nothing is going on. During a phone conversation, he talked of how glad he was that she was there for him, and that once he got out on his own that maybe they could get to know each other better. I know that things are tough between us right now. I constantly tell him that I don't trust him and I just want the truth. I think that I would feel better, if he would just tell me what was going on. He is starting to make me feel like I AM going crazy, but I know that I am not. He said that he wants to work things out between us but I am not sure that I can. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I know he is sneaking around behind my back and I just want it to stop. I need some advice on where to go from here.

While I agree with mmarie on what your husband SHOULD be doing, we can't make anybody DO anything. However, we have supreme control over what WE do.
I think you are being taken for everything this lazy person can get out of you, and have been for some time. Whether he does it because he is devastated by his condition and needs some counseling or is just a user doesn't matter to you. It all feels the same from where you stand.
You said:
"He is only 30. He hasn't worked in several years and I thought this was ok with him." Yet, he only "found out a few months ago that he has a severe heart condition, and may need a transplant." While I can appreciate the gravity of this diagnosis, I can't help but wonder why he wasn't working before? And why it took several years to get this diagnosis? I understand that heart conditions can make physical activity exhausting, so why wasn't he diagnosed years ago?
That all pertains to HIM and his attitude towards life.
Now for yours:
Why did YOU think "this was ok with him?" This almost sounds like you were willing to work to support him, do everything and BE everything for him. And now you feel slighted and jilted because he is spending time with others. I understand why you would feel this way, he should be grateful to you, he should cherish the ground you walk on for being so good to him.
Sadly, human nature is not this way most of the times. When we bend over backwards for others and put them before our own self regard they tend to demand more and more of us. When we do things for them and expect them to appreciate our efforts we are baffled when they don't see it that way.
It's time for you to stand up for yourself. You need to sit down with him, explain to him that you realize he's going through emotional turmoil with this, but that as your wife you deserve respect and loyalty. Offer to attend counseling with him for the adjustment to his condition or whatever else needs to be done, but that you won't stand for shenanigans outside the marriage while you are supporting his butt. Then confront him about the emails you have read and tell him that if he wants to be out on his own so that this other woman can better "be there for him" the door is right there and don't let it hit him on the way out.
Lady, you've got the hammer here, don't be afraid to wield it.

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airbornewife02

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May 31, 2007, 7:28 am PDT

Infidelity

Quote From: bbo301

We have two children together, and financially I can handle things on my own. IT is just hard to up and leave when there is no where to go. He isn't willing to leave and I am afraid that if I leave he will track me down and hurt me physically. Plus my credit stinks, mostly because of stuff together and I wouldn't be able to get much on my own.

I too have dealt with drug abuse with him and that was part of his problem in the past.

I have not gotten to the point to leave I guess. I am afraid and I need to get over that fear. It is coming, I can feel it. ANd I guess when I have had enough, I will have the strength to leave.

I know what I have to do, but I am just afraid of doing it!!!

I've been reading your prob and I know how you feel. My h was doing the whole internet thing and doing everything that I could do to save our marriage, I finally got enough courage to move out. Like you, my credit isn't all that great, but if you go and get an apartment, most places only require a deposit along with your first rent payment. You said you can handle things financially so I would try and see if moving out will help. If you think he is going to hurt you physically, where ever you go, get the police involved. Let them know the situation and keep them involved that way if something does happen, they're more willing to help. Don't be afraid of anything in your life!! THAT is his power over you right now and he knows you won't leave or do anything. Be strong and do what it takes to make YOURSELF and your kids HAPPY!!!!

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Message Boards

Topic : Infidelity

old friend

a little advice

sooo.....

You're kidding yourself

Thank you

The veil has been lifted

Gut Insincts

Why

Where to go

Infidelity