Message Boards

Topic : Infidelity

Number of Replies: 4739
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:24 pm
Author : dataimport
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? Share your advice and support with others that have experienced infidelity.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 28, 2005, 3:46 am CDT

bbo301

Quote From: bbo301

We have two children together, and financially I can handle things on my own.  IT is just hard to up and leave when there is no where to go.  He isn't willing to leave and I am afraid that if I leave he will track me down and hurt me physically.  Plus my credit stinks, mostly because of stuff together and I wouldn't be able to get much on my own.

I too have dealt with drug abuse with him and that was part of his problem in the past. 

I have not gotten to the point to leave I guess. I am afraid and I need to get over that fear.  It is coming, I can feel it.  ANd I guess when I have had enough, I will have the strength to leave. 

I know what I have to do, but I am just afraid of doing it!!!

 

Yes, everyone has to get to the point that they want to leave.  There is always somewhere to go.  Hotel if nothing else. 

 

You need to be open to help from all quarters.  Hopefully you have family or friends that could help short-term.

 

Stinky credit will be fixed in time.

 

Get legal counsel especially if he is violent.  You need to think about your kids.

 

I also suggest the abuse board, because this IS abuse.

 
July 28, 2005, 4:00 am CDT

cindy1970

Quote From: cindy1970

I am so upset about my situation, and don't know what to do. We have been married for 11 years, and have two kids. My husband has always used different excuses as to why he cheated on me. The last time, he had a relationship with another woman, that was married also. He says he has stopped seeing her, and wants to work on our marriage, but I am just so hurt, and feel like a fool. Also, I don't trust that he has stopped seeing her. I still love him very much, but I also have a lot of anger and hurt. So many of my friends say just dump him, and I know I should, but I keep thinking about how hard it would be to be without him. I know he has major emotional problems, and it's not my fault that he has these affairs. No matter how I was, he would still do it, and unless he changes, will with anyone he's with in the future. Is there an easier way to get over these feelings? It's affecting my career, my children, my life. I think about it all the time, because I see her quite a bit since they live in the same town, or other things that instantly remind me of the affair. I have to say I can't imagine being without him, but I'm hurting being with him too, and wonder why I would still want to be his wife. Anyone have any answers?

 

You are not "with" this man.  PLEASE tell me you do not sleep with him.  He is a serial cheater that needs you  to take care of his home, children, finances, provide clean sex AND bring in an income.  He comes home to leave his laundry.

 

Does hoochies husband know what has gone on?  He should be informed.  Anonymous letter is fine.

 

Anger is a good thing.  Have you ever really let him have it?  Very therapeutic.  Don't do it if he is violent though.  My H is a wuss.  Brave enough to cheat, just not brave enough to face me.

 

You will never have all the answers.  And you cannot love him enough to make him change.  That is his job.  Don't take his word for things either.  Actions speak the loudest.

 

Emotional issues are HIS to fix.  And NONE of his reasons for cheating are valid.

 

I always advocate financial protection.  Your own bank accounts which have half of joint assets AND your paycheck in them.  Get your own credit card.  Get a consult with a real shark divorce lawyer.  Should cost under $100.  Goodness knows H has spent that sum wining and dining his hoochies.  findlaw.com and nolo.com will give you some legal ideas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
July 28, 2005, 4:09 am CDT

dj1dj2

Quote From: dj1dj2

i have a question for you. The person my husband had an affair with is my 4 year old's son private school teacher and my nannies sister. she continues to cause problems with me and my children. My son was removed suddenly recently to save face to the school. the lady was not reprmanded in any way. my husband won't let her go so we are now separated. My children are deeply affected. I want to know if there is anything i can do to get that girl fired. she teachers children and is a poor role model . I was informed that i could sue the school or have her removed. what do you think.? or should i be the better person and let it go 

 

Hubby is a great guy.  Not only gonna ruin his child's home, but school as well.  Time for new school.  Is this school by any chance Christian as well as private?  If so, bet you could cause some trouble.  Otherwise, I do not think anyone cares about good role models, they just need bodies in the teaching slot.  New nannie may be a good idea too.  Careful about legal issues here.

 

The real question here is do you want to do this?  Do you have the money to do this?  Doing the right thing makes you the better person.  Maybe a lawyer consult would help you decide.

 
July 28, 2005, 4:24 am CDT

azimm31

Quote From: azimm31

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  We have two children (our oldest was born before we married) and we now have a third on the way.  Having a baby is usually a happy moment in ones life, but I'm not feeling that way. 

About a month before I found out I was pregnant, we were on the verge of separation.  I believed he was having an affair (not the first he has been unfaithful) and wanted out.  We talked things out and he convinced me that things would change, more than that - he would change.  For awhile things were great!  He treated me exactly as he had before we had any issues.  What I didn't find out until later was that he was still calling the other woman.  When I asked him for the what seemed like 100th time he swore never to speak to her again.  Once again, I found out from him that he had spoken to her a few more times after that even.  I'm so bitter with him that it's really affecting our marriage and how I feel about him.  He acts so dumb and clueless about why I'm acting the way that I am.  I don't believe I deserve to be treated like this, and don't want to live with this anger any longer.  Top it all off, he is in a band (that's how he met the other woman in the first place).  Since I've caught him through his cell phone bills, he's begun playing every weekend when our agreement from day one was that he would play no more than 3 weekends/month max.  I'm thinking that now he is using his band as an excuse to meet up with her. 

Although I have no proof that he is in fact doing that, I've still told him that I'm unhappy with his schedule.  He works long hours during the week at his job then is gone for most of the weekend with his band. 

I know what I want to get out of my marriage and I am upset because I don't feel that I will ever get it.  I feel like our issues just keep building up, and nothing is getting resolved.  When and how do you call it quits when you have two children and are expecting a third?  I'm not even sure I want to put any effort into fixing our marriage, and feel it may be better just to leave. 

Hopefully this makes sense and someone can give me advice...there is so much more to my story, but I can only explain a little at a time...

 

When is baby due?  I am torn between recommending you remain until then or saying get out of the stress now.  If you left, where would you go?  Would you have help with new baby and other children?  Have a plan before doing anything.

 

Acting dumb is his version of self-preservation.  Empty promises are another ploy.  Actions speak louder than any words.

 

The fact that you are pregnant and unhappy should motivate him to stay home on the weekends as per your original agreement or more.  This shows clearly that your wants and needs are a very low priority for him.  Yes, he is probably meeting her.  Something is certainly a BIG attraction.  Any unknown (to him) friends that could go check up on him?

 
July 28, 2005, 4:36 am CDT

ctackett01

Quote From: ctackett01

I need anyone's advice on what to do about my brother in law. It is nothing new to my parents that my brother in law likes me, and i thought that they were just saying that. but a couple of weeks ago my sister broke her arm and she couldn't clean. When he would come home from work they would fight because the house would be a mess. ( mind you she has 3 boys that are 7 years old and a 3 year old and none of them listen) Well I got tired of listening to her crying about him, so i started going over there and cleaning making him think that it was her. When he found out that it was me he thanked me and was a little touchy towards me. I didn't think anything of it, until the next day when he called me and told me that he liked me and that he has been having dreams about me. I told him that he was married to my sister and that I loved my sister very much, and that I was very happly married and that nothing would happen. Now that he has done that I feel uncomfertable around him, and the clothes I used to wear I cant anymore because he has a coment about them. Another problem that I have is that my son loves him so much and my husband ( his step father) thinks that my brother in law is just trying to make himself look better than my husband. I don't know what to tell him and if I need to tell my brother in law to back off. Please help

 

Assholes like your BIL make life tough on innocent parties.

 

I CANNOT imagine that your parents find it normal that your BIL "likes" you.  How perverse.

 

You need to stay away from BIL and DO NOT go to his house to clean.  Let your Mom do it.  If you still want to help in some way keep the kids AT YOUR HOUSE a few hours a day.  Pick them up after BIL leaves for work and return them before he gets home.

 

BIL thinks you have manufactured this "cleaning" cos you have the hots for him.  Be VERY SURE you are not sending any mixed messages.  Many will disagree, but do not dress provocatively around him.  He personalizes ALL of your actions.  Not worth it.

 

Is anyone else within hearing when he comments on your clothing?  Broken arm is not your sister's real problem.

 

 

The only thing you should say to this ass is that you are not interested in his "dreams" and your husband and his wife will be fully informed if he does not back off.  Do not try to explain things to him.  He isn't listening.  You will have to be straight up with this guy.  No being nice.

 

Son can be told BIL is sick, or having to help auntie with her broken arm, or working extra or whatever. 

 

 
July 28, 2005, 4:44 am CDT

wowie1

Quote From: wowie1

2 months ago my husband just didn't come home???!!!  Our marriage had been in trouble for some time and I suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn't go.  He says he just wants to be left alone.  He is living with his waitress (although in a separate room)  I don't believe a word of the BS he is feeding me.  He flat out denies he is having an affair.  The problem I have is that my 15yr old daughter is now spending the weekends with him.  Although I ask how her weekend went with her dad, I don't inquire too much.  I have tried to get her to talk about the separation and have offered her counselling but she refuses.  I believe that she also knows there is someone else and is trying to hide it from me(she recently started putting her Dads things away at home)  She is telling me that she is just cleaning up.   What a terrible situation to put your child in.  Do I tell her that I believe there is someone else to ease the burden or do I wait until her father tells her the truth if ever?  I don't know what the truth is!!!  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

About the best you can do here is prepare the ground so to speak.  Poor little girl is trying to protect both parents.

 

I agree with you the separate room stuff is a joke, but possibly it is to your daughters protection.

Don't inquire too much about the weekends.  Keep offering counseling.  Suggest that both you and Dad will probably begin dating again and ask how she feels about it.  Keep communication open.

Don't depend on Dad to be forthcoming.

 
July 28, 2005, 4:54 am CDT

flores1529

Quote From: flores1529

My H and I have been married for 2 years, together for 8 off and on. Three months before we were married he cheated on me with his ex, she got pregnant, but i married him any way. Now that 2 years have gone by, I still can't get over the pain. I am still very much hurt by it and his daughter he had when he betrayed me. Lately things have gotten so bad between us, he almost walked out on me and our 2 boys last week, we argue atleast every other day, and at least once during the arguments he says we should just get a divorce. he works 2 jobs  so i can stay home with our children but feels that that is enough for our family. Meaning he doesn't do anything around the house and spends little time with the boys. Recently he's been accusing me of doing things I am not  and he has no proof of. He says everything I say is a lie and he has accused me of of being on crank (speed). I have NO idea where he is getting this from. I did have a problem with it when I was a teenager but haven't even been around the stuff in 8 years. I know Dr. Phil says 'The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior' so I'm wondering if he's cheating again and that's why he's blaming me for arguments and accusing me of the rediculous things.  I am just so very confused and am at the point where i dont want to try any more. has anyone gone through this before where your H suddenly acts this way? I just don't know what to do any more.

 

Accusing a spouse of things they are not doing is a classic cheating sign.  And I bet if you take a long look his actions have not suddenly shown up, but rather have evolved slowly.  Arguments get him out of the house.

 

Marrying him when you KNEW he was a cheat was not a good idea.  Now you need to decide what you are willing to put up with.  Your call.

My Partner Cheat?  Never!  The Warning Signs

 
July 28, 2005, 5:36 am CDT

Not Infidelity...but What!

new to this but going to try it out...  I don't feel like there has been an infidelity but my husband thinks so.. Back in 1984 when we started dating he had several women on his list and I just wanted to date one guy.  And I told him that, well he assumed that I wasn't seeing anyone else and about 12 years later into our marriage he finds out that during that time I slept with some men..  But I felt back then if he could do it so can I.. But I never shared with him, not that he told me all about his. So now here it is 2005 and he is still having a problem with it, we have been married 17 years and have oe child together.  He says it goes and comes in his mind or when he sees one of these men, it brings it all back to him. I didn't want to tell them there names but he hounded me and made me cry so much one night that I told him to get him to shut up and now it is like it never ends.  I feel like I haven't done anything wrong because we weren't married at the time...  But he says part of him loves me and a part of him hates me...  I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he won't.  I have gone and they told me he is the one with the problem..  Any advice out there for me..  cause I really Love hIm..
 
July 28, 2005, 2:25 pm CDT

Dear "Confused"

Quote From: confused

new to this but going to try it out...  I don't feel like there has been an infidelity but my husband thinks so.. Back in 1984 when we started dating he had several women on his list and I just wanted to date one guy.  And I told him that, well he assumed that I wasn't seeing anyone else and about 12 years later into our marriage he finds out that during that time I slept with some men..  But I felt back then if he could do it so can I.. But I never shared with him, not that he told me all about his. So now here it is 2005 and he is still having a problem with it, we have been married 17 years and have oe child together.  He says it goes and comes in his mind or when he sees one of these men, it brings it all back to him. I didn't want to tell them there names but he hounded me and made me cry so much one night that I told him to get him to shut up and now it is like it never ends.  I feel like I haven't done anything wrong because we weren't married at the time...  But he says part of him loves me and a part of him hates me...  I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he won't.  I have gone and they told me he is the one with the problem..  Any advice out there for me..  cause I really Love hIm..

Wow your husband has some issues!! Talk about holding a grudge, huh???

 

I'm just curious, when you ask him to come to marriage counceling and he won't go, what are his reasons? What is he afraid of, since he thinks that it is YOU who caused the problem...I'm thinking that maybe you could ask him to go to marriage counceling again, then let him say his excuse why he won't go, and you have something to say to counter-act his excuse, Like if he says "no, I'm not the one who needs to go because you are the one who slept with other men..." (or whatever he will say!!) You can reply to him, "yes dear but talking to a councelor together could help you learn the steps we need to take for you to learn forgiveness..." Or something simular to that...

 

I'm thinking that your husband must be a pretty miserable person if he is choosing to hold onto this matter, making a much bigger deal out of it then it is...also, perhaps he is the type of person who just can't accept happiness for himself, perhaps he has self esteem issues and deep down he feels that, for whatever reason, he doesn't deserve to be happy; so when he starts to feel some happiness, he will bring up this subject to destroy that happiness. This is a very sad way to live, for both of you... You say that you really love him, but do you respect him? This is a man who has been bringing up the past for many, many years, making you feel ashamed and cry, etc., why would he hurt you in this way over and over? He is miserable so he wants you to be miserable too...or maybe he keeps bringing it up since he has no other "dirt" on you because he wants to drive you away...Thats a possibility. Whatever the case is, I urge you to seek therepy again for yourself. This must be very depressing for you, and although your husband does has his own issues, you can never, ever change him, you can only change yourself and how you react to him. That is something that you can learn by talking to a councelor. It can be very  helpful to talk with a professional, someone who has already seen and heard "it all" who can guide you towards what steps needed to take to find true happiness. Because you really are not happy right now, right? But please know that you do deserve happiness, you don't deserve this treatment at all.

 
July 28, 2005, 2:33 pm CDT

What about your sister??!!

Quote From: ctackett01

I feel I should tell my sister but, there are a lot of things that is stopping me.  First of all she is on medication for depression, and I don't want her to end up in a mental inst. Next, after I told her husband that nothing would happen their releationship all of a sudden got better.  I feel really unconfterable around him but it is not like I can keep from seeing him. My son loves him to death and I know that my sister would be really hurt, and I don't want her to take it the wrong way and be mad at me?  Does this sound reasonable or does it sound like I am making up excuses?

A couple of things you said in your post do sound like excuses to me: first, that your sister is on meds for depression and your concerned that if you told her about her hubby she would end up in an institution-- well you just said before that her husband was pretty useless anyway, that he didn't do a thing with the family and he was crabbing at her when she couldn't clean because of a broken arm-- perhaps HE is why she is depressed!! Second: Your son loves him "to death"...this is something that has to change. Your brother in law has manipulated your son to "love him" alot just to get to YOU...not because he cares for your son...You are the mother, you make the rules- you say no your not going and don't go.

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Next | Last