Topic : Infidelity

Unfortunately I didn't find these things again until a few weeks after he had the stroke and I got on his computer. So here I was nursing this person, being a good wife and human being and pretty much just getting crapped on. Sorry to be so blunt but I see no other way to put it.....In fact I HAVE pity for him is the problem vs NO pity if you read what I wrote....If he was not sick I would have left and gone to take care of my mother where I know I would be appreciated. His being sick  is a great part of why I am here. I will say that monetary reasons are  also a huge part of things and even when he was gone he always left a majority of the money to pay the bills and I will go as far as to say relieve some of his guilt. He wrote me a letter a few weeks ago and basically acknowledged that he knows he has a problem and has for years. Dishonesty has been a way of life apparently for a large portion of his adulthood and has torn up past relationships as well as this one. I have turned into an extremely tolerant person as I have aged and have been living my life for my children who are now all nearly grown. Maybe it isn't much in the way of self respect but keep in mind that this is my third marriage, I am a person of deep commitment and also have religious views now that I didn't hold several years ago. On the other hand I have the harsh slap of reality telling me that the minute he is better his behavior will repeat.

 

My family knows very little. "Our" daughter just happens to be the youngest of six and we have one more child left at home. (yours mine and ours.....)  I hide so much inside and put on a happy face. No one at church knows and very little people outside of my closest circle of friends know.

 

Do  I love this man? Absolutely with all my heart. I know he hates the messes he has created but it is like he is an addict of some sort who doesn't know how to handle his issues and I am a person who feels like they are treading water to help everyone else stay afloat.  

I have been married to my husband for 14 yrs. and have two young children.  He was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive.  My entire world revolved around him and the kids.  I haven't worked outside of the home for 11 years.  I barely have any friends...to the outside world, my life is perfect.  I've threatened to leave him many times and never did go through with it.  3 1/2 years ago, I cheated on him with someone we casually knew.  It was a one night stand and I didn't feel good about what I did.  He suspected that I had cheated but I denied it, fearing that I would lose my children in an ugly divorce.  One year ago he quit drinking because he finally did hit me.  Things between us seemed better than ever.  Six months ago, I confessed what I had done because I felt the incredible guilt consuming me.  Now we are at the brink of a divorce.  He is uncertain whether or not he still wants to be with me.  Although I want to stay and make it work because I do love him and the kids, I myself is torn.  Is my staying really good for the both of us?  We argue over the past and decided that we need a marriage councelor.  I just don't know.  I have not cheated on him since and will not.  It was truly out of my character, and I absolutely have been  making the right steps toward earning his trust.  He is still very angry and hurt. 

I definately think that marriage counseling is a good idea regardless of the outcome of your marriage.  You two need to get your hurt and anger out in the open in a controlled environment such as a therapists office.

Many couples need direction as they can't fix the issues that are destroying their marriage.   If you should both decide that this marriage is not salvageable then at least a therapist can help you two co-parent the children and help you through a divorce.

Living with an alcoholic all those years is more than most of us can handle.  This disease ruins lives and families.  You have to work on forgiving yourself as well as him as I'm sure you are holding alot of resentments towards him.  He needs to forgive himself for ruining your marriage and the emotional and physial abuse he made you endure.  Sounds easy but we all know it is not.  

If you two can ever get on the same page and forgive yourselves and eachother for the past you could have an incredible marriage.  I hope that the both of you are in AA and AlAnon as well. 

Make an appt. with a therapist and agree not to argue about the past.  Fighting will get you no where at this point both of you are too upset, angry, hurt and confused to make any headway or decisions.  Most therapist will recommend a year in therapy before any final decision should be made.   

Working with the counselor is a good idea - they should be able to provide guidance.

Take deep breaths and don't do anything rash.  Has he forgiven you for the affair? Have you forgiven him for the way has has treated you all those years? Have you forgiven yourself?

If you don't know my story - I had an emotional affair two months ago - out of my character as well. As i have said to others before, there is no rational explaination for infidelity. Even though it is socially wrong, I can understand how you became susceptible. You are not a horrible person.  It does happen, even to the best of us.

Every since I confessd to Wendy - it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days we find it impossible to think it can get any better - hang in there.

Just keep in mind it is a new day.  You can't change the past - but you can learn from it and become a better partner. Stop beating yourself up and remember you deserve a quality relationship. Turn over every stone to find a way to make this work for the both of you. If the two of you cannot work it out, then like pp said, find a way to be good co-parents.

Hope you two can reconcile,

Chris

Thanks for your empathy, and help putting it into perspective.  My emotions get in the way of logic and having someone who can share their thoughts brings me back to reality.  Thanks to you too Chris.  I guess I am not alone.  I understand I need to be realistic of the whole healing process and how long it will take for us to get there. 

 OK, so you're saying that you thought your husband was being faithful until after his stroke when you found evidence that he was still carrying on the same sad saga of porn and setting up meets with people. Don't worry about your words, they are apt. You HAVE been crapped on, more than once.

What I was asking was what has changed this time?

 He has never been a good husband, and you have caught him in the past in infidelities and lying. Yet you stayed with him. You do admit that part of the reason you stayed was because he always provided for you and the kids. You don't have to say anything on these boards if you don't want to, but you MUST be brutally honest with yourself.  Did you settle for this arrangement because it enabled you to take care of your children better than you could have as a single parent? Did you delude yourself about what he was up to because it was easier to do so than to divorce him and have the kid's lives uprooted again? And now that he has had a stroke you may have to see more of him in the future than you care to, and THIS is what has you contemplating leaving him? I would add, is this why you feel guilty and protest that you DO love him, etc etc etc?

Understand, I'm NOT judging you. I know all too well what it feels like to be trapped in a marriage that seems to be all in favor of the one who is lying and cheating. What you have is a crisis. He has been slapped with his mortality and you are not so sure you can muster the proper sentiments, especially in the face of the latest discoveries.

I can't tell you what to do, beyond what I have- face your demons. If you really believe that he will revert to his former ways when he is better, then maybe it's time to take stock of your life and what you have been deluding yourself about all these years.

So that means things have to change. I can sense in your posts the reluctance, the wishing it would all just resolve itself and life go on much as it did before. I know this feeling also, he made the mess, he should have to do all the work. The thing you have to realize is that you enabled him to get away with it all these years. He may have developed some nasty habits, but you let it get swept under the rug. I know how easy that is when you're raising kids, when your husband is uninvolved, you tend to put the kids above the marriage. When he doesn't beat you and pays the bills and leaves for periods of time, it helps you to set up your life in a way that gets you through the day. It's not a glamorous life, but you feel "normal." Until things are upset and there's no going back. (This is the "change" I wanted you to zero in on.)

Dr Phil recommends that you work your way out of a marriage, by availing yourself of counseling and anything else that you can try. My suggestion is that if your husband is truly remorseful, but doesn't seem to be doing much to make it up to you, YOU need to fill in the blanks for him. Decide what you need from him and let him know. Hold him to any agreements he makes with you. Beware of ultimatums though, like "I'll divorce you if you ever___again" unless you are absolutely prepared to back them up with action.

 I agree that you two should get the counseling. I would also remind your husband that just as he is not perfect, you aren't either. YOU were the one that took the brunt of his drinking all those years. Even though you admit that his drinking didn't make you cheat, neither of you were participating in a functional relationship and this caused you to be vulnerable. Just as he decided to take control of himself when he hit "bottom" and struck you, you are taking accountability for YOUR hitting bottom and cheating. You can point out to him that you admitted your mistake because you love him and respect him enough to let him decide how to react to it. You can say that you hope he will decide to hang in there with you as have done with him, but the choice is his.
Make no mistake, your telling him about your affair was the supreme act of your love for him and the respect you owe him as your husband. Just as much as his deciding to get sober when he committed an act that was repugnant to him.

My husband of 19 years has had multiple extra marital affairs, I found out recently. His excuse was alcohol and drug use. he has since quit that, and we are now living seperatley. He would always and still flys in to a rage when I want to discuss why, when and how could this happen, we now have three very good teenagers, and this is hard on them, what is wrong with men? some just are not happy with what they have. no matter how great it is. The worst part of my life was we went to vegas to renew our vows in Feb 2004. I found out just last July through his medical records that he had an affair in March 2004. this person is unstable, he claims he found God, AND GIVES THE CHURCH 100.00 A MONTH. Is he trying to buy his way to Heaven? Help, the counselors do not seem to help me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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why do we even get married in the first place, is this a conspiracy? I have been in a marriage of lies, betrayal, emotional abuse, etc. I am now 50 and on my own again as if I were 21. going back to school to get a nursing degree. I am so upset about the stories I read on here about men that cannot appreciate their wives and kids, I think there are too may sleezy women with sleezy clothes that prance around our husbands hoping to get there attention well they do. and if I ever get a chance to confront the women who have ruined my life, they will be saying a prayer.

I am truly sorry you had to experience the pain of being cheated on. I understand your anger. When it comes to having an affair, I believe it is mostly driven by most peoples emotional needs. There are people who do it just out of spite - but for others I believe it is an emotional release.

I remember the OW in my affair rationalized her acts as "Sometimes, people do what, at the time, seems like the right thing to do." Sounds like a cop out? Maybe. I felt there was a closed door between me and my wife. What I have learned through therapy is my depression/OCD distorted my perception of the situation. While I am still working to get over my issues, I have to do a sanity check when I feel negative about something.  Mental illness is a real thing.  While I do not want to use it as a cruch, it does helps me understand myself better.

I speculate you would always look down on me and others who have cheated. Thats ok. I have forgiven myself.
 
Just like myself, you are a good person.You deserve quality relationships. You are a loving person.

I hope you find your peace,

Chris