Topic : Infidelity

I agree with you in the fact that it stained the image he had of me in being a good girl in his eyes just sitting at home waiting for my turn til he got around to seeing me..  We weren't even living together at the time, just dating, he had like 8 girls on a string and when he told me that he just didn't want to date one girl, I said oh well, guess I will date a couple of guys that were interested in me at the time.  What he is upset with is the fact that I had sex with one of the guys  and 12 years later he says he hears about it at work, and he specifically said in our dating years for me not to date someone from out where he works..  It wasn't like  I set out to date someone from his work,  which like over 1500 hundred people work where he works.  I'm not saying what I did was right, but he wasn't committed to me at the time.  Once we moved in together I never saw any of these guys again.  My counselor that I saw said he has double standard issues that it was okay for him to see more than one, but women aren't supose to do that..  I'm not sure but I feel it is deeper than that, because I don't care to know the details of what he did with each one of these girls and who performed the best and which one do I prefer.  To me that is so sick, why would you want to know those things..I was married before I met him for seven years and was faithful, my husband wanted a younger woman, so anyways I don't know what the real answer is to this, lookig at his family now they were very dysfunctional, they all have some sort of problem, drinking, the dad was verbal abusive to the mom, and they have all had  marriage problems in other realtions..  I am just taking one day at a time and hope for the best.. Sometimes my husband will drink too much, but then he will go for days and not touch the stuff.. I don't understand that either cause I was raised in a home where we didn'tdrink..  But when he does drink he doesn't know when to stop and he drinks until he just passses out...  I wished now that I would have known more about all the family issues he had with his on family before I got involved..  On top of that we have had to deal with the fact that his dad shot his self eleven years ago and that was hard, his dad had bad health after all the years of drinking he had done and later had his leg amputated...  Thanks for the rsponse and I wish you the best in your life....

Yep, you guys need a lot of help. He refuses to seek therapy, though, doesn't he. Perhaps you could suggest that the two of you read one of Dr. Phil's books together. Short of this, I don't know what to tell you. If he refuses to work with you to improve the marriage and you're truly miserable . . . well, you two have been married for a long time. It would be easy for me to say leave him; I'm not in love with him. You are, right? So you have to keep working at it. Maybe the two of you need some time apart. Could you lay it all on the line, tell him exactly all the things that are bothering you (including the drinking) and making it impossible for you to be happy in this marriage and then disappear for a few days to give you some time to think and him some time to think? Just a suggestion.

Just because this isn't physical (that you know of) doesn't mean it's not cheating.  If you do a google search on online cheating and divorces because of it, you will see that even the law is also starting to recognize this as a form of infidelity.  If it did come down to a divorce and you needed to, these women can be called into the divorce court to substantiate the infidelity - bet neither he or them would like that too much.

It's time to give him an ultimatum; it's them or you.  He knows what he was/is doing was/is wrong or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to hide it from you.  He knows he's playing with fire and it's a matter of time before he actually meets with one of these women. 

Change your email so that you only have one for the two of you.  Make sure the cell phone bills come directly to you or set it up online so you can see a history of the phone calls.  And I'd also contact all these numbers on the bill that are unfamiliar to you and let them know he is married.  He didn't tell this woman in Canada that he was, so I doubt any of these other women know either.  He's playing them as badly as he is you.

If you want this to work with him, I suggest counseling and I think you need to get started on it quickly.  Best of luck and let us know how you are doing.

I recently wrote in reference to my husband making and receiving phone calls from his cell phone to/from other women.  One in particular left two quite inappropriate messages which I heard.  I confronted him and of course, he said she's just a "friend".   To make a very long story short, we went through this 5 years ago when I was pregnant with our first son.  We have two boys now - four and 21 months.  (I lost my job in Feb 2004 and received a generous severance package and had been at home since the birth of our second child. ) He says the reason for his behavior is because I haven't been working when he said he wanted me home to raise his children.  I have recently started a part time gig which works out well in our situation as it enables me to be home in the afternoon with the boys.  

I had a serious conversation with him at the end of June and told him in no uncertain terms that I felt like we were headed for divorce and I wanted the extracurricular activity (calls, etc) to stop.  He doesn't see anything wrong with this.  He claims I don't want him to have any friends.  That's not it at all - I just feel as though if he has female friends, they should be friends with me as well.  He knows my male friends, and I talk to them on the phone in front of him.  I have nothing to hide.  Anyway, he said nothing - no emotion, no nothing.  I told him I had the number of an attorney that I was going to speak with to consider my options.  Fast forward two weeks to my birthday - nothing had been said by him in reference to our conversation on the state of our marriage.  I figure he thinks if he doesn't acknowledge it, it will go away.  So I bring it up again - he says he would agree to see a counselor - mine, because he already knew the issues I had.  I gave him the number and he still hasn't done anything about it.  My counselor said he would see him but prior to the appointment he wanted him to read the first four chapters of Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue.  I bought the book at the end of June and now he says that he hasn't set up an appointment because he has just picked up the book to start reading it.  (I know that he hasn't touched it - it's still in the same place it was three weeks ago.)  He said that now that I'm working, some of the stress and his resentment should be resolved.

Anyway, my question is this - do I sit him down AGAIN, and give him a definite deadline for action? I'm thinking 10 days max - I haven't spoken with the attorney yet, but I know I need to.  I'm so tired of this whole situation because even though I have asked for a change in behavior, the phone calls continue....I have a friend at the other girl's cell phone company that is looking to see how much activity is taking place between them.  We have been married for almost 10 years and the fact that I have two small boys weighs heavy on my heart.  They worship the ground he walks on but I DESERVE respect and to be the only woman that matters, in his life.  I just need some input.