Topic : Infidelity

Thank you for your reply.Yes we had tried counselling intially, when I first found out about his behaviour.Basically, this did not work, as he denied that he did try to get with other women, on his nights out, & did not believe there was a problem..As they say,'if they cannot acknowledge the problem,then they do not acknowledge anything to change."

Anyway,I know in my heart,soul and mind,that I need to move forward & I am trying to reinforce to myself daily, that there is NO REASON FOR ME TO FEEL GUILTY, & that if I want to be happy & be the best mother I can be for my 2 girls, I need to deal with this issue & not let it cloud over me..

I guess for SO LONG, I have been in love with the idea of a 'marriage' & so focused on this, that I neglected to look at the important issues of what makes a 'good marriage' and cheating,dishonesty,disrespect,self centredness are definitely aspects, that do not contribute to this.

I know I will be okay if I stay honest to myself and values, and allow the Lord to help me through this time. Blaming myself has become a HABIT & I know I have to work on this issue with greater commitment & perserverence.I also can say with honesty, that  the feelings of GUILT is lessening, & I have a sense of hope that I will be able to overcome my issues and face the decision that I need to make with the divorce, with peace and finality.

After 38 years of marriage I found out that my "loving" husband had cheated on me with two different women over a five year period.  First a little background.  I will try to condense 38 years into a couple of paragraphs. 

I met my husban when I was 16 and he was 18.  We married when I was 19 and he was 21.  I worked as a computer programmer while he went to professional college and I paid all the bills.  Our first child was born the spring he graduated.  He found a job and I concentrated on our family but also took after hours calls for his profession.   A second child came and he switched jobs and I still took after hours calls.  He decided his career wasn't moving fast enough so he set up his own business and I became bookkeeper, assistant and dealt with all the vendors for ordering everything.  I also took care of the financial end of our personal life and had another child.  As the business grew we built another building and grew and expanded and hired more employees.

About the time our third child turned 6-7 he started an emotional letter writing affair with an old girlfriend from high school.  I had always felt I was unlovable due to many problems within my growing up family.  After I learned about the letters and their meeting at a class reunion.  I was determined to put our relationship back together.  We did this for the next 14-15 years and I felt we were so strong nothing could happen to our marriage.  I reassured him that I loved him and I was confident in his love for me.  After our children were grown and had married we hired a woman who was divorced with three children.  I was worried about her background and morals but wanted to give a woman who needed help a chance.

I have always made sure that I kept my self clean and neat and dressed as well as my budget would allow but I had gained weight , always a problem in my family and dealing with the day to day stresses of our business, visiting family and all I felt I was responsible for and trying to find time for personal enjoyable activities  I didn't include time for exercise.

Within four months of hiring this woman she came on to my husband and he chose to have sex with her in our home.  He also did not use protection and therefore exposed me to all of her sexual partners and there were many.  He told himself it would be a one time thing but they worked together everyday and she knew my schedule for being gone to visit family and for hobbies I had.  They continued an on and off again affair for the next four years even after she left our employment.  She would leave her three small children at home alone and come to my home to have sex with my husband after her children were asleep and I was out of town.  I must have known something sub-consiously because I developed panic attacks and even had a heart catheritization before it ended the first time only to have it start up again a year later.

After a period of no contact a second employee who had heard rumors about the first affair was infatuated with my husband.  She was going to have to quit because her husband was being transferred. While I was gone visiting my child and grandchildren she came to my home and told my husband she thought she was in love with him.  He said only felt they were friends but began to think about another affair.  They began gradually with kissing and fondling after work hours and when I was gone.  She too came to my house to have sex with my husband.  They thought this would be a one time deal because she was moving but after she left my husband wanted more and kept up the calls back and forth.  She returned three more times to my home while I was gone visiting family.  Two of these she stayed overnight and also began to press for more form the relationship.  When he wouldn't give any more but reassured her he did love her she got even by putting her tank top in my laundry.

I found that tank top in March of 2007 and my husband said it must have gotten mixed up with his at the gym at a hotel on a trip we'd just been on.  I waited two months for more explanation but he said nothing and treated me like dirt and kept up his phone calls to her.  In May of 2007 I decided to get in shape and change my life and I decided I wanted a divorce because it was obvious he didn't love me and my feelings were dying too.  Before I asked for the divorce I gave him one more chance to tell the truth.  He lied and said he'd had a one time fling with a stranger in our hotel room on the trip we'd just been on.  For the next six weeks I lived in hell trying to find out details and who she was and what they did.  Just as I was beginning to figure out the affair was much closer to home and as part of the STD tests I under went I scheduled a routine mamagram.  The mamagram was not routine and I was diagnosed with breast cancer on July 18 2007.  Now my world really crashed.   I needed him for insurance and support and he was telling me how much he wanted our life and how much he loved me and wanted our life together.

All the while he was still phoning the other woman.  Finally when I found out that I needed more surgery and would have to have chemo he phoned her and said "This is really serious and she needs all my focus and I can't do these phone calls anymore".  I found out all of this in Sept 2007 four days before my 1st chemo and after two surgeries for breast cancer.  No, he didn't tell me voluntarily I figured it out and gave him reasons why I knew it wasn't a woman on our trip.  I had no idea of the magnitude of the betrayal at that time and have had to drag every single thing out of him.  They too had unprotected sex so I've slept with all of her partners as well.

He was in love with the second woman and it was very hard for him to give her up.  This is what I still can't come to grips with.  He says he loves me and will never hurt me again, but how do I believe when my heart has been broken so badly.  Does he just stay with me out of guilt and because he doesn't want to go through the pain of a divorce or does he really see me and love now???

The women were 15 and 21 years younger than me. Trim  and athletic which he has also become thanks to long distance biking.

We are trying to put this back together but sometimes I feel it's so broken we can never fix it.  The second woman not only had unprotected sex with him she wasn't using birth control either.  The thoughts that haunt me are that he has another child with her (she denies it) and that he returned to me because of breast cancer and some sense of duty not love.

I am married for almost 12 years. We are together for 14 years. 7 months ago I found out he cheated on me. I still dont know how many times. I dont really know if I want to know or not.

He started cheating on me in 1999. Back then we were stationed in Washington. I flew home to see my mom. I didnt know then that he was seeing other women.

In 2000 we were stationed in Texas and there again he cheated while I went to see my family.

So now 7 months ago he went to school for 7 weeks and did it again. I know of 2 women but I am very positive it was more than 2. He got himself a cell phone while beeing there and I found the phonenumbers of all these women. I called all of them but only 2 admitted of sleeping with him. They didnt know he was married.

I confronted him with those 2 women and he admitted to it. Thats when he told me about his affairs in Washington and Texas too.  He said that he never cheated on me while I was home with him. I still dont know if I should believe him. After a lot of talking, crying, screaming we decided that we want to try to work  everything out. He really tries hard too. I know he loves me and the kids (we have 2 daughters) a lot. He keeps telling me that he will never hurt me like this again. I know he is sorry for what he did. I just cant get over all these lies. He lyed to me for years and years. He is not the type of guy that would cheat. Thats why I am so disappointed. I never would have thought that he would do that. I cant get these thoughts out of my head. Him with the other women.

I dont know if I ever can get over this. I am so scared that he will hurt me again. Will I ever be able to trust him again? Will he cheat on me again? I know nobody can tell me what will happen. I just dont know what to do. He keeps telling me to talk to him when I feel down. I just dont want to tell him the same thing over and over again. I am scared that one day he will get sick of listening to my worries. So most of the time I just keep it to myself. Its just so hard sometimes when I look at him and think of the pain he caused me. I cant forgive him for all that.

What should I do?

I had a short affair about 3 1/2 years ago and my H found out immediately after it ended. It was obviously devastating but thankfully he stayed. It was hell for a long time and when the reality of what I'd done struck me, I was sick with myself. I got therapy, began reading self help books, books on affairs, etc. and really soul searching as to why I made such a stupid decision. After 2 years of therapy and LOTS of books(my first was Dr. Phil's Self Matters) I was able to truly understand where I was at that time and why I made such an awful mistake and know in my heart that I will never chose that path again. I dealt with childhood issues, confronting my father after years of problems and I put to rest an eating disorder I'd hidden for over 20 years. I also had to tell my husband how completely insignificant and insecure I felt with him and work my way past that. I see him and our marriage so differantly and as much as I wish I could have found a better way to do that, I cannot change the past. I know my husband loves me very much too because he wouldn't be here through this if not.

The problem is this... He has never gotten therapy, read a complete book on the topic or even told a soul about this. He has kept everything inside and as much as he's progressed, I feel like he could be so much further along in the healing process if he had which of course would benefit him, me, and our marriage. He still brings it up constantly, doesn't fully believe the issues I have worked through are completely real(even though he's seen me go through the pain of it all), and keeps telling me he's still not sure if he can accept the reasons even if they are. He still asks questions about every detail and I can't stand to keep talking about it to such extremes. His questions make me physically sick to my stomach; I cringe when I know he's about to bring it up. I've worked so hard to build my self esteem and leave that person behind that did this but he is a very cut and dry person who's always had a very hard time trusting people and he isn't one to oversee mistakes very well. I realize I caused him great distrust and pain and I will always be sorry for that . I do not take any of this lightly and I now do everything possible to build up his trust in me again. I try to tell him how much I love him and when he says he doesn't know if that's true or not, I tell him that I couldn't take his constant talk of the affair after all this time if I didn't. However, I do see my patience wearing thin at times because I feel somewhat resentful that he's chosen to do nothing on his end to help himself. I have told him with great compassion that even if he left me I would hope he'd get therapy just for his own peace so it's not like I want him to get therapy and get over it. My heart breaks for him but unfortunatley I can't do anymore for him.

Is it healthy that after almost 4 years, the details are still in question (although I've answered them over and over, telling him I can't change them just because they're not what he thinks they should be). The situation is brought up weekly, sometimes several times a week and I feel so drained at times. I realize every relationship is differant but at what point do you just say "I'm done answering. I don't want talk in depth about this affair anymore." How long do I have to get punished for this? He says I didn't really get punished because he never left me so I think he feels I still deserve some form of punishment so maybe this is it?? Please give me your advice on this situation. I so badly want to move on with my/our life and just love my husband. It's been a long few years.

  I just found out my wife of 9 years was having an emotional affair with someone she has to have cotact at work with.  I found out on my own,  she told me it was over for a couple of weeks,she had ende it before it became sexual, she didn't want to end our marriage and wanted to make it work.  At first thought she didn't have sex with him I could get this out of my mind and put my energy into improving my marriage.  But it is killing me inside, I don't know what to think.  I lve my wife deeply and although I feel our marriage was in a rut.  I would never go outside my marraige to get what I wasn't at home.  Just looking for advise

Hi.

My ex and I will be divorced next month which I am at peace with, but I am currently having problems with my 9yr old daughter, and how far I should push her, into spending time with her dad. She does not want to stay with her dad during her school holidays or any other time, but just happy to spend a few hours a fortnight with him, when he visits her and her sister.  Initially when I first separated from her dad Aug 05, she was happy to go with her younger sister and sleep over. Then around Aug 07, this all changed and she would protest to sleep over, and would make comments that when she was at his home, he would always be on the phone, or not spend real quality time with them. Furthermore, I had also sensed his decreased attention to the girls and his less regular calls to speak to them. Eventually in Dec07 he admitted seeing someone to my daughter and I also found out about this.

My daughter was very upset and I believe she still is now.  Her confidence also seems to have decreased and she seems to be angry more often. Sometimes also when we talk, she comments that she knows her dad does not put her first. How should I respond to that when I really believe she is right, as the reason we are getting a divorce is due to him, not putting his family first???

I know my daughter needs help NOW, so I am going to take her to see a counsellor and get some books to help me with her, but do you have any advice on how I should deal with her in the meantime???? Her dad keeps persisting he is her dad, and that I should force her to stay over with him during her holidays, so he can spend time with her, but I feel that may make her worse.. I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad but I also want to do whats best for my daughter.

Could you please advise what I need to do to help my daughter.

Have you tried negotiation, as in "if we have sex, are you willing to stop calling other women?"

Make no mistake about it, sex IS highly important in marriage. The only problem is the both of you are using it as a means to punish the other for what is REALLY at the bottom of your troubles.

I'm not sure I agree with the counselor that you should both separate, but I wasn't at the session. If it was very contentious- as you say it was- he may be trying to get you both to cool off and calm down.

Can you accept the fact that you are using sex as a way to get back at your husband for his hurtful actions?

Can he accept the fact that he is using lack of sex as the excuse for his actions that are hurting you?

So, I say again, be completely honest with him, tell him that he makes you sick, not horny, with his behavior. If he is willing to act like a faithful loving husband again, you will certainly try to act like a loving wife.