Topic : Infidelity

Quote From: berger266

I am married for almost 12 years. We are together for 14 years. 7 months ago I found out he cheated on me. I still dont know how many times. I dont really know if I want to know or not.

 

He started cheating on me in 1999. Back then we were stationed in Washington. I flew home to see my mom. I didnt know then that he was seeing other women.

 

In 2000 we were stationed in Texas and there again he cheated while I went to see my family.

 

So now 7 months ago he went to school for 7 weeks and did it again. I know of 2 women but I am very positive it was more than 2. He got himself a cell phone while beeing there and I found the phonenumbers of all these women. I called all of them but only 2 admitted of sleeping with him. They didnt know he was married.

 

I confronted him with those 2 women and he admitted to it. Thats when he told me about his affairs in Washington and Texas too.  He said that he never cheated on me while I was home with him. I still dont know if I should believe him. After a lot of talking, crying, screaming we decided that we want to try to work  everything out. He really tries hard too. I know he loves me and the kids (we have 2 daughters) a lot. He keeps telling me that he will never hurt me like this again. I know he is sorry for what he did. I just cant get over all these lies. He lyed to me for years and years. He is not the type of guy that would cheat. Thats why I am so disappointed. I never would have thought that he would do that. I cant get these thoughts out of my head. Him with the other women.

 

I dont know if I ever can get over this. I am so scared that he will hurt me again. Will I ever be able to trust him again? Will he cheat on me again? I know nobody can tell me what will happen. I just dont know what to do. He keeps telling me to talk to him when I feel down. I just dont want to tell him the same thing over and over again. I am scared that one day he will get sick of listening to my worries. So most of the time I just keep it to myself. Its just so hard sometimes when I look at him and think of the pain he caused me. I cant forgive him for all that.

 

What should I do?

 

 

Quote From: jb092494

I had a short affair about 3 1/2 years ago and my H found out immediately after it ended. It was obviously devastating but thankfully he stayed. It was hell for a long time and when the reality of what I'd done struck me, I was sick with myself. I got therapy, began reading self help books, books on affairs, etc. and really soul searching as to why I made such a stupid decision. After 2 years of therapy and LOTS of books(my first was Dr. Phil's Self Matters) I was able to truly understand where I was at that time and why I made such an awful mistake and know in my heart that I will never chose that path again. I dealt with childhood issues, confronting my father after years of problems and I put to rest an eating disorder I'd hidden for over 20 years. I also had to tell my husband how completely insignificant and insecure I felt with him and work my way past that. I see him and our marriage so differantly and as much as I wish I could have found a better way to do that, I cannot change the past. I know my husband loves me very much too because he wouldn't be here through this if not.

The problem is this... He has never gotten therapy, read a complete book on the topic or even told a soul about this. He has kept everything inside and as much as he's progressed, I feel like he could be so much further along in the healing process if he had which of course would benefit him, me, and our marriage. He still brings it up constantly, doesn't fully believe the issues I have worked through are completely real(even though he's seen me go through the pain of it all), and keeps telling me he's still not sure if he can accept the reasons even if they are. He still asks questions about every detail and I can't stand to keep talking about it to such extremes. His questions make me physically sick to my stomach; I cringe when I know he's about to bring it up. I've worked so hard to build my self esteem and leave that person behind that did this but he is a very cut and dry person who's always had a very hard time trusting people and he isn't one to oversee mistakes very well. I realize I caused him great distrust and pain and I will always be sorry for that . I do not take any of this lightly and I now do everything possible to build up his trust in me again. I try to tell him how much I love him and when he says he doesn't know if that's true or not, I tell him that I couldn't take his constant talk of the affair after all this time if I didn't. However, I do see my patience wearing thin at times because I feel somewhat resentful that he's chosen to do nothing on his end to help himself. I have told him with great compassion that even if he left me I would hope he'd get therapy just for his own peace so it's not like I want him to get therapy and get over it. My heart breaks for him but unfortunatley I can't do anymore for him.

Is it healthy that after almost 4 years, the details are still in question (although I've answered them over and over, telling him I can't change them just because they're not what he thinks they should be). The situation is brought up weekly, sometimes several times a week and I feel so drained at times. I realize every relationship is differant but at what point do you just say "I'm done answering. I don't want talk in depth about this affair anymore." How long do I have to get punished for this? He says I didn't really get punished because he never left me so I think he feels I still deserve some form of punishment so maybe this is it?? Please give me your advice on this situation. I so badly want to move on with my/our life and just love my husband. It's been a long few years.

Quote From: roccag6192

  I just found out my wife of 9 years was having an emotional affair with someone she has to have cotact at work with.  I found out on my own,  she told me it was over for a couple of weeks,she had ende it before it became sexual, she didn't want to end our marriage and wanted to make it work.  At first thought she didn't have sex with him I could get this out of my mind and put my energy into improving my marriage.  But it is killing me inside, I don't know what to think.  I lve my wife deeply and although I feel our marriage was in a rut.  I would never go outside my marraige to get what I wasn't at home.  Just looking for advise

  

                    

Quote From: svm123

Thanks for your advise. After years of this mess, i am now begining to realise that i being a masochist my putting up with this pain.
H and I went to our first counselling session on wednesday. He does not like counseling as thinks it only to make him look bad. During the session he insisted that sex is the core of the marriage and that i am not a good cook like his mom. And all the time i was trying to talk about the secret phone calls. The session was contentious. The counselor suggested we separate and he move out this weekend and get his own counseling sessions. Since this wednesday it has gotten ugly at home. Since then H suggested that once we start having sex everything will work out. He still is oblivious or self centered. I asked him to move out. He told me that if he moved out, he will have affairs and will not work on the marraige. I told him, if that happens then the marriage was never worth it. Other time he wanted me to leave with the kids sayign that this is his house too. I think he did not expect to actually insist on him leaving. Last night, he said he wants to work on the marriage and asked me to tell him what i want him to do. My issues with him have been: white lies, pettiness, being mean and nagging. This morning he offered to drop my son of to summer camp and asked me three times where he should drop him off. I takes a lot of pateince for me to not snap at him after 3 or 4th time. My sister told me that she noticed that he does this to just aggravate me and make me lose pateince.

I have another counselor meeting at 1. My main quesiton is: why did the counselor recommend separations and separate counseling. And what should i tell my husband as to my expectations from him?

Quote From: confused75

Hi.

My ex and I will be divorced next month which I am at peace with, but I am currently having problems with my 9yr old daughter, and how far I should push her, into spending time with her dad. She does not want to stay with her dad during her school holidays or any other time, but just happy to spend a few hours a fortnight with him, when he visits her and her sister.  Initially when I first separated from her dad Aug 05, she was happy to go with her younger sister and sleep over. Then around Aug 07, this all changed and she would protest to sleep over, and would make comments that when she was at his home, he would always be on the phone, or not spend real quality time with them. Furthermore, I had also sensed his decreased attention to the girls and his less regular calls to speak to them. Eventually in Dec07 he admitted seeing someone to my daughter and I also found out about this.

My daughter was very upset and I believe she still is now.  Her confidence also seems to have decreased and she seems to be angry more often. Sometimes also when we talk, she comments that she knows her dad does not put her first. How should I respond to that when I really believe she is right, as the reason we are getting a divorce is due to him, not putting his family first???

I know my daughter needs help NOW, so I am going to take her to see a counsellor and get some books to help me with her, but do you have any advice on how I should deal with her in the meantime???? Her dad keeps persisting he is her dad, and that I should force her to stay over with him during her holidays, so he can spend time with her, but I feel that may make her worse.. I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad but I also want to do whats best for my daughter.

Could you please advise what I need to do to help my daughter.

 

Quote From: ritehere

Have you tried negotiation, as in "if we have sex, are you willing to stop calling other women?"

Make no mistake about it, sex IS highly important in marriage. The only problem is the both of you are using it as a means to punish the other for what is REALLY at the bottom of your troubles.

I'm not sure I agree with the counselor that you should both separate, but I wasn't at the session. If it was very contentious- as you say it was- he may be trying to get you both to cool off and calm down.

 

Can you accept the fact that you are using sex as a way to get back at your husband for his hurtful actions?

Can he accept the fact that he is using lack of sex as the excuse for his actions that are hurting you?

 

So, I say again, be completely honest with him, tell him that he makes you sick, not horny, with his behavior. If he is willing to act like a faithful loving husband again, you will certainly try to act like a loving wife.

Quote From: svm123

We had a lot of issues before SEX or the phone calls.  My H is very immature and short sighted. During our last counselling attempt, the morning after sex, he walked off while i was in mid-sentence saying he got what he wanted. Two nights ago our A/C broke and we all slept in the guest room with the window unit. The second day, he asked me to sleep on the floor as he was not getting any action. Ofcourse i was annoyed at his immaturity and shared with him my opinion of him. He makes it worse by saying he was trying to teach me a lesson.
How do i negotiate with somebody about playing/talking to their own kids? How i make him keep promises he makes to his kids let alone me. I start back work in 2 weeks. The kids are home for this time before they go back to summer camp/day care. He does not come home until 7 every day. And he works for a fortune 10 company.
The kids and i are a prop for him. We being home just ensures that he does not come to an empty house. It hurts me that the only thing he wants is SEX.  He will not touch me unless we are having sex. In 10 yrs of marriage, the only time he said I love u is during sex. :( The more i think about this, the more hopeless it feels. He comes from a family of high achievers who are very distant and very savvy about money. I should have seen the signs. :(

Quote From: ritehere

The explanations and assurances of love have to come from her father. Having you tell her and assrurances from a counselor won't make any dent in her insecurities at all. Her father is the only one that can lay her fears to rest.

In her mind, she is afraid that he will "divorce" her just as he divorced you. She may even secretly think that the divorce is somehow all her fault, children are notorious for blaming it all on themselves.

Have your ex at the session too, this way the counselor can guide your daughter to ask the things she is too young to articulate to the adults that she depends on.

Quote From: ritehere

Listen, before you go reading negativity into everything about him, think back to why you married him. Surely there's some redeeming and endearing qualities there since you agreed to marry him, aren't there? I mean, we don't get married to people that bore us or that we can't stand.

I truly believe that we come together to learn things from each other, and you two haven't learned whatever it is you're together to learn.

Consider this: he called up this old friend of his and gave her a verbatim message that you wanted him to give her. That tells me that he really doesn't like what he is doing, and is willing to do what you want to get things back on track.  Also you said that he thinks counseling is "baloney" and will make him look bad. (I'm going to assume that he told you this, that's why you used those words.) Yet, he went with you to a session. I know at the moment you are ready to walk out on him, but his actions sound like a sincere cry for help to me.

You said that he doesn't want a divorce because "it would upset his parents." This was quite a statement for a grown man to make, especially one with children. I think it may be part of why he is afraid of counseling. If he is afraid somebody else might make him look bad, it's a good bet that he already thinks he's bad deep down.

I don't know if he needs help more than you do, I don't know either one of you. You at least have the right attitude, realizing that you don't have the answers but that the answers are out there. If you coud find it within you to detach from your emotions and explain to him that counseling will help you BOTH see what you've BOTH been doing to contribute to the mess, and where to go from here. Rarely is it all the fault of one. I think you realize that, but your husband seems to think he will be singled out for "fixng."

This other woman is giving him a sympathetic ear at the moment, I know it galls, but maybe that's what he needs from you?