Topic : Infidelity

This is a premeditated murder of your marriage. He did what he did premeditated, and you are left to pay the price. This sounds so typical of how to ruin a marriage in the modern Internet era. He accusing you of hurting him is his way of not wanting to accept blame for the destruction of your marriage. I'm sure his depression is for what he had done, and the guilt that sooner or later comes around.

You have a lot invested in this marriage, and if you could get it on the right track, it would be worth saving. The sweet and loving man you married is still somewhere in him, he just needs to find it, and if both are willing, through the therapy you have started, you could both find those people who fell in love and married 28 years ago. It would take some times, as well as forgiveness, but it could happen. After investing that many years in any relationship would be a shame to lose, but if you know for sure that this infidelity is more than you are willing to forgive, you absolutely have the right to say no. If you do reconcile, make sure you have ground rules set in place both can agree and live with.

If you decide to move on, then one thing that can help is to find a new hobby. Something to take up some of your time that you now are probably spending thinking about what has happened, and turn that into some positive outcome. Time heals most wounds, and after 28 years investment, it won't be easy or quick, but it is possible. You don't deserve this, but it is something you are going to have to face. You can survive this, and move on, but again it will take some time. You probably don't want to, but I would advise you not to date for about a year, but work on healing yourself, and getting your self healed, and that would be the biggest gift you could give yourself.

I hope this at least gives you a starting point to think about. I wish you only the best. Good luck, and let us know how things go, as I am positive there are plenty of people out there that your situation will help now, as well as down the road.

Unfortunately, I was involved with a married woman for over a year.  My marriage has been circling the drain for many years, and both my wife and I admit that we stay in this plutonic relationship for the kids. My wife and I are friendly, but not in love. That does not excuse what I did... I know it was dishonest and so very wrong.

For over a year, this other woman brought out feelings of love, validation, and feeling alive that I have never experienced before. I felt so truly in love that I could not believe it.  She kept telling me that I was her soul mate, she never felt love and passion like this before, and all that crap. Nevertheless, as soon as we were "caught", she turned her back on me. Suddenly I went from believing that we were soul mates and I was the love of her life to discarded. I feel scammed. Used. Betrayed... (how insane, since I also betrayed my family).

Logically I know that I had no right to be in this affair.  It was not mine to experience from the beginning.  But emotionally I am feeling the tremendous loss of that "love".  It has been 3 months, and I still think of her every day.  I know that it is so unrealistic to think that anything can come from this.

How do I get over this?  How long will it take?  Is it the "feeling" that I am addicted to, and this is like a withdrawal?  I wish I could just erase the past year from my life.

Has anyone ever been through this?

Have no interest in dating but thank you for the advice.  This pain was more than I could handle.  I don't ever want to feel that shattered trust again.  It was a physical pain that no one can know unless it has happened to you.  My greatest concerns are that I have been a work at home mom, I have also been diagnosed with Type II diabetes six years ago and right now it worries me that he will pull the rug out from under me.  Right now his guilt is still putting money in our joint checking account and I am still covered by his health insurance for now.  I am starting to move on.  I got a little part-time job, and I want to attend college this fall.  My husband stated that he has been planning this for years and that he no longer loved me.  Well, after about three months of being on my own, I believe I have fallen out of love with the man that he has become.  I imagine it is kind of like dealing with a death of a spouse. 

I do believe that I can do this on my own.  I lived on my own four years before I was married, I can do it again.  But right now there is so much that has changed.  But I have found out how important my children and I are to my family, friends and neighbors.  Our two adult children have had nothing to do with their father in the past three months since he has decided to move in with his parents and they want nothing to do with his parents.  The kids have found out who their father and his parents really are, and they don't like them.   My husband's parents and his sister have yet to contact our children and support them.  I think they feel if they ignore this and not deal with this, it will just go away.  It is sad to think that the next time my children see his parents will be at  the grandparents' funerals.  But this is how his family has always dealt with conflict.  I want to thank you for your words of support.  I don't know if this can be fixed, the trust is shattered and he is a narcissistic jerk having a meltdown.  It must honestly suck to be him and have his children not trust him.  I know that would just about kill me.   He took so much more than he even realizes when he left.  Thank you again for your words of support

Your husband is being very selfish. His excuses for his behavior are only failed attempts at trying to blame it on you. And his reaction in counseling? Denial. He doesn't want to hear that he is the one to blame and that his problems could be so common as a mid-life crisis. That would mean that he could work this out! Heaven forbid that his new crush on an old HS flame is just a passing insanity! One that he might come to regret!

I'm sorry for your pain, and it sounds like you are adjusting after the betrayal. Have you divorced him yet, or started proceedings? I can tell you that in many cases after a husband runs off and has his fill of the unreality, he may come home sorry for what he has done and wanting back in the house. Especially if he sees you and the kids adjusting and living well without him. Be prepared for this eventuality ahead of time by considering what your reaction might be.

I feel very sorry for his parents and your children. They did not ask for this. His parents may be mortified and not know how to handle the situation. I know they should have been the ones to pick up a phone and tell you that they deplore his behavior and miss their grandchildren, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt? Your children don't have that many years left with them after all. This is another of your husband's displays of childish selfishness in my opinion. He is using his parents for a roof over his head in a thoughtless and inconsiderate way, and dragging them into his mess. What a guy!

I haven't started divorce proceedings yet, but have went and talked to a lawyer to see where I stand.  And unless the husband does something unexpected I should be o.k.  I took vows 28 years ago before God and my family and friends until death do we part.  I had every intention of keeping them, but I now see that he has already killed our marriage. 

I am concerned about the fact that he may try to come home again.  I don't know how I could ever trust him again.  It has been found out that after three months of living with his parents that he is not happy and has not found what he is looking for. He is still in contact with the "other woman" and he isn't happy.  What is the deal?   

But right now I wonder how he would feel if I had been the one to do what he did and leave him with the care of our home and property.  He just walked away and left so much work that needed to be done.  He walked out in the middle of some home remodeling.  Between my children and I myself, we are finally starting to get things back together.  He has not once called to see if there is something that he needs to take care of.  He just calls and wants me to get a job, go to college, and get my own line of credit.  Like I am sitting home, watching T.V., crying over him and having a nervous breakdown.  I don't have time.

His credit rating would not be what it is, if it had not been for me.  He may have made the money, but I made sure that every house, car, truck and credit card payment was made on time.  He never made one payment.

I also wonder how the "old" high school girlfriend feels knowing that she had a part in destroying a 28 year marriage.  She is the same age as his wife, she has children and grandchildren, one ex-husband and a husband that she is separated from and she lives 1500 miles away.  That was his excuse, it that he felt she would be safe living that far away.   Kind of sounds like they might deserve each other.

I have not seen him in over eight weeks, because the last time I saw him in person he was mean, hateful and so critical.  Yes, It is just as you said, he blames me for everything.  I didn't realize until that moment how long I had been living with critism like this.  I was so upset that I could not drive away from the spot that we had met at for over an hour. 

I didn't have the power to read his mind and find out that he wanted  certain teenage behaviors continuously, like holding his hand, sitting next to him in the truck., etc.  He never said a word, but of course, he never reached for my hand or sat next to me when I was allowed to drive the truck.  

He did call once, but it was because he says he had seen a lawyer, and he was to get back all the stuff that was his before we were married.  He wanted stuff, his record albums for one thing, not his wife or his children, he wanted 28 year old stuff.  So believe it or not, he got his stuff, anything and everything that I could find, and stuffed the cab of our truck so full, he would have had to move stuff to drive.  I have no idea where his mother is going to store all that stuff.  But that is her problem for allowing her 52 year old son to live in her home, not mine.

As for the grandparents and my children, the last words out of the grandmother's mouth, after my husband apologized to her that she may lose her grandchildren over this were "Oh well, they weren't that close anyway."  That is a quote.  Glad to know that grandchildren are so disposable, especially mine.  So now you see why the children are not having anything to do with the grandparents.

I have come the conclusion that I am not responsible for his happiness and I won't take responsibility for him not being happy.  He is the one responsible for his own happiness.  I agree, what a guy!

I haven't started divorce proceedings yet, but have went and talked to a lawyer to see where I stand.  And unless the husband does something unexpected I should be o.k.  I took vows 28 years ago before God and my family and friends until death do we part.  I had every intention of keeping them, but I now see that he has already killed our marriage. 

I am concerned about the fact that he may try to come home again.  I don't know how I could ever trust him again.  It has been found out that after three months of living with his parents that he is not happy and has not found what he is looking for. He is still in contact with the "other woman" and he isn't happy.  What is the deal?   

But right now I wonder how he would feel if I had been the one to do what he did and leave him with the care of our home and property.  He just walked away and left so much work that needed to be done.  He walked out in the middle of some home remodeling.  Between my children and I myself, we are finally starting to get things back together.  He has not once called to see if there is something that he needs to take care of.  He just calls and wants me to get a job, go to college, and get my own line of credit.  Like I am sitting home, watching T.V., crying over him and having a nervous breakdown.  I don't have time.

His credit rating would not be what it is, if it had not been for me.  He may have made the money, but I made sure that every house, car, truck and credit card payment was made on time.  He never made one payment.

I also wonder how the "old" high school girlfriend feels knowing that she had a part in destroying a 28 year marriage.  She is the same age as his wife, she has children and grandchildren, one ex-husband and a husband that she is separated from and she lives 1500 miles away.  That was his excuse, it that he felt she would be safe living that far away.   Kind of sounds like they might deserve each other.

I have not seen him in over eight weeks, because the last time I saw him in person he was mean, hateful and so critical.  Yes, It is just as you said, he blames me for everything.  I didn't realize until that moment how long I had been living with critism like this.  I was so upset that I could not drive away from the spot that we had met at for over an hour. 

I didn't have the power to read his mind and find out that he wanted  certain teenage behaviors continuously, like holding his hand, sitting next to him in the truck., etc.  He never said a word, but of course, he never reached for my hand or sat next to me when I was allowed to drive the truck.  

He did call once, but it was because he says he had seen a lawyer, and he was to get back all the stuff that was his before we were married.  He wanted stuff, his record albums for one thing, not his wife or his children, he wanted 28 year old stuff.  So believe it or not, he got his stuff, anything and everything that I could find, and stuffed the cab of our truck so full, he would have had to move stuff to drive.  I have no idea where his mother is going to store all that stuff.  But that is her problem for allowing her 52 year old son to live in her home, not mine.

As for the grandparents and my children, the last words out of the grandmother's mouth, after my husband apologized to her that she may lose her grandchildren over this were "Oh well, they weren't that close anyway."  That is a quote.  Glad to know that grandchildren are so disposable, especially mine.  So now you see why the children are not having anything to do with the grandparents.

I have come the conclusion that I am not responsible for his happiness and I won't take responsibility for him not being happy.  He is the one responsible for his own happiness.  I agree, what a guy!

Maybe one day you will understand why this happens and what to look for when it comes around. Some of us react this way when hit with our mortality. Maybe it's triggered by the death of our parents, friends, or we are diagnosed with a serious illness. The feeling of being short-changed or of time running out is very real. It shows up mostly in men who feel that they have missed out on something in life, but you see it in women also.

The difference in those that act out impulsively and those that don't is their level of maturity.

When he left he took material things, that must have been all that was important to him at this stage in his life.  But he also took my adult children's social security cards and birth certificates and all the titles to our vehicles.  My daughter went and forced him to return all of that, but all he can say is that he doesn't know why he took that stuff.  He has only called me once since the "nasty lunch meeting" and he just wanted all his "stuff" from before we were married.  He said that the lawyer told him he could have that.  Well, I don't believe that he has seen a lawyer, he is listening to co-workers that have been divorced.  Well, I did find some 28 year old stuff that wasn't worth the hassle and took it to him.  And he hasn't bothered me since he got his "stuff".  I even gave him all the romantic cards that I had saved from him over the years, they mean nothing now, they are all full of lies.  He has left me with all the responsibilities of our home, the bills, everything, plus trying to get my act together and leave him in the dust..  He is living with his parents, going to work, running around with his cousins, fishing, going to concerts, and travelling.  He wants me to get a job outside of the home, go to school and take care of the house.

He has not called once in four months to see how anything was going.  I wonder what he would have done had I done this to him.  What would his parents thought of me?  Would they have supported my decision to walk out on him and our family?  He and his internet girlfriend can have each other.  They both really deserve each other, they are so self-centered.  She can have him for the next thirty years with all his medical and attitude problems.  He is getting old and he is not getting any better that's for sure.  He is still not happy after living with his parents for four months.  He has found out that they do not have the relationship that he thought they did.  It ranges on emotional abuse.  He wanted me to be more like his mother.  She can't even put gas in her car and her husband takes her to a hairdresser three blocks away and then picks her up after the appointment.  He takes her everywhere.  It is a good thing I was not anything like his mother, because by now they probably would have put me away.  I do have a part-time job, enrolled in some college classes for this fall and we will see where this goes.  I am still open as what to do with the rest of my life.  My kids and I are starting to plan a vacation for just us when this is at a better place and I don't have to be concerned about the financial end of things.  I will be good to me!  He doesn't even know me anymore or have a clue as to the person I am.  He is stuck in his fantasy.  He has lost the most important things ;  that is the trust that his children and his wife once had in him.  That is lost forever. Thank you for being supportive of me, I appreciate it.