Topic : Infidelity

I must admit your advice has made me think very long and hard about my decision and you really hit home.

Thanks

Just remember, action always speaks louder than words. No matter what you're husband says, if he's not backing up his promises to you with right action, it's just empty gestures.

OK. It's a long front story but the bottom line is my husband left me for about 3 months 2 years ago. He had a "girlfriend" for those months. Back up 11 years when hubby and I met. He was a virgin.  This new girlfriend was the second person he slept with. We decided to go through with the divorce, but wanted to work on a new relationship.  From Dec 2006 to April 2007 we split up and got back together too many times to count. Actually, it was like 4 times. Anyway, finally in April we decided to get down and dirty and really work on the relationship. We moved back in together to a different and cheaper home in Jan 2008. Two weeks later I decided I wanted it to be over. He got a new place and we were talking to each other still but also to other people. He had a fling for a weekend in Feb.  Right after that we decided, yet again, that we wanted to be together. Today, we are happily living together and have a good relationship. Communication is good. Our intimate relationship is better than it has ever been and we are thinking about getting remarried sometime along the way.

Ok. So here's the problem. I cannot seem to get past the "relationships" he had when we weren't together. He technically did nothing wrong. We weren't together. I also had my trists when we were apart. But, no matter what he says, to me or about them, I feel angry and upset. It affects all I do. Not to mention that even simple things remind me of it. Like seeing certain cars, hearing certain songs, or doing certain things.  I just want some advice for letting go of this. My exhusband/boyfriend and I are sick of thinking and hearing about it.

You say you had your own flings while you two were apart and I am wondering why he needs forgiveness from you? Has he forgiven you?

I find that it takes giving forgiveness in order to receive it. You say he technically did nothing wrong and then state you are angry. Is he angry with you for your flings?

How can you hang on to something he had done and so easily let go of what you did? This appears to be very hypocrital in my opinion.

Letting go begins with forgiveness and the mutual effort of both partners to work through this. Do you two have the desire and hard work to continue on together?

It sounds to me like you two want to be together, but don't know how. When things get the least bit rocky, you both split up. Then you decide to get back together.

I think that YOU don't feel safe and secure, that yet again you two might split  up for good. It's gets harder and more uncertain the older you get doesn't it?

After all the splits and reconciliations, can you both agree that you want to be together? Can you both agree that maybe there's something you can learn to do things differently next time? You have to admit, splitting up just doesn't work for you does it?

Make a commitment to each other and your relationship first by agreeing to take splitting up out of the equation next time either of you are tempted to go that route. Just take it off the table as an option.

Then explore ways to handle your differences. Leave no stone unturned, counseling, books, support groups, whatever you can avail yourselves of. Sometimes the answers come in the strangest of places so decide to be open to all input. But most importantly, cultivate a spirit of willingness to search for the answers that you need.

The communication process and forgiveness process was started when we became 100% honest with each other back in Feb 2008. My problem is more mental.  I am not being able to stop thinking about his trists. And yes, He also has problems with mine. I am just more voicturous about it think.

We both want to be together. It's just I am having trouble getting rid it more then letting it go. If that make any sense.

That's what I'm here for. You will have bad days, nobody can guarantee that you won't. But as for the control thing, don't let your frustrations get away with you. Look for solutions to some of the problems you are faced with. For instance, is there anybody else that can take some of the load off your shoulders? Why do you have to do all of your old chores, plus all of his, plus deal with a new job? If you are a bit of a perfectionist, learn how to delegate and let someone else take over, even if they don't do it the way you would have. Who knows, you may give someone else the chance to shine? Or consider helping out a teenager in the community with a job taking care of the yard for you. You may have to do a little touch up afterwards, but let them do the heavy stuff.

And then there's the consideration of selling the house. If you stand to get some money out of it you could get into a place that is easier to maintain. Face it, if you're going to school and working you won't have time to care for all the things a house needs.

Get some leverage on your husband legally. If that means divorcing him, at least you will have legal recourse to child support before he ruins himself financially.

I guess what I'm saying is that when you feel that somebody else has control, that's the time to TAKE CONTROL.

And here's a little hint, the more in contol you are, the more unhappy he will be.

I guess my problem is that I am still trying to do all the things that I did as a work-at-home mom.  I have never been in control of anything, even though I was accused of that.  I am not sure on how to handle being in control.  I have two great kids that are always helping me to all the things that need to be done.  The problem is that the husband left so much to be done, that we just assumed he was carrying his load.  But since he has left we have found that the deck sealer was hid in the garage, never opened.  We are just finding all kinds of things that needed to be done by him that he didn't have time to do since he was always running to the computer to have "amazing conversation" with his internet relationship. 

As for hiring someone, that won't happen since the funds are so tight.  As for a perfectionist, I am a long way from that.  I have a dog and three cats, so you can't be a perfectionist.  He was the perfectionist, nothing was ever good enough unless it was his idea.  If I did something on my own, something was always wrong.   I looking at getting a smaller residence, when the divorce is final.  But for now, I have to keep telling myself, I am not living the life I have loved for so long.  I have been abandoned and I will victor, not a victim.  But for now, I will try to do only what I can do.  I will eventually get more in control.  Thanks for the hint!  I will keep that one!

Hello, Everybody.

      Another poster named juball referred me to this message board because she felt like I could get some better advice here than on the "Divorce Support" message board.  This message is originally posted under the title of "I can't afford a divorce" on that board.  She said that a poster by the name of ritehere would be a particularly helpful individual, so if you happen to read this, ritehere, I'm all yours and I thank you in advance.  Here is the original message: 

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Hello Everybody.

     My name is Tracy and I live in SC.  I have other posts on these boards about adoption.  I'm eight months pregnant and have made a good adoption plan for this child.

     I really don't want to talk a lot about this because to tell you the truth, I've talked enough with people in real life already and i'm tired of it.  Long story short:  My husband was verbally and emotionally abusive (emot. in that he quit having sex with me), so I started cheating on him.  I was sleeping around but until Oct. of last year I couldn't find a guy who would "stay around," if you know what I mean.  I just found out Monday night that he's been doing the same thing, starting in May of last year and has kept it from me all this time.  This woman IS interested in being his wife and they have expressed their love to each other.  They were on the phone with each other 6 times yesterday.  She lives in Wisconsin, 1200 miles from here.

      I was/am moderately in love with the man who could be the father of this baby, but I'm not a homewrecker.  I understand that my "boyfriend" is not going anywhere and that his long-term GF and kids are completely dependent on him.  I have tried to break it off with him a few times, but when it's good and you feel as bad as I do, it's hard.  Once I'm not pregnant anymore I'll have new and harsher motivation to finally tell him "no." 

     So here is the jist of the story.  I want out of this house.  Now.  But, my husband and I are in SO much debt that we cannot afford two households right now.  So I have to look at him every night knowing that without a doubt his heart (and his d***) belong to somebody else.  When this divorce is complete (like three years from now - what you wanna bet?) I will be alone.  I'll be alone and HE WILL BE HAPPY!!!  I'm so mad about this I could spit.  Nighttime is the worst.  I look at him, sitting on the couch, apathetic, but completely satisfied with his personal life and the way things are going for him, and I just cry.  I have cried maybe three of the five nights that I've known.  It's going on a week that I've known about this.  And his sorry family and friends have kept it from me too, on top of that.  He's going on a trip next week with a stop in Green Bay, so you know he'll be getting some when he goes up there while here I am with our child and 8 months pregnant.

     Is there anything I can do to just get away from him even though I clearly cannot afford it?  Please help me.  Thanks.

Tracy

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Thanks again for your time and attention.

Tracy