Quote From: crazytracy1974To answer your questions, the three year thing was just a number that I threw out there as sort of an estimate. In other words, I don't see this god-awful mess being sorted out for an uncomfortably long time. The thing about my daughter is this: She's four, so yes she's aware that when mommy and daddy fight, it's not good. She's seen me cry and yell at the top of my lungs. She's seen daddy yell in my face and throw things. Sometimes she tries to distract us by "showing" us stuff. Other times she just goes to her room. She never sees daddy show mommy any affection, so this is what she'll think marriage is, I guess. As I type this, it sounds to me that getting a divorce will be good for her as well as for me. He'll, of course, be thrilled. Of course, without a man around the house, she won't know what marriage is all about either. I don't want her to think that single parenthood is the preferrable situation, because let's face it, it's not. Kids do better in homes with a mommy and a daddy. I don't know, though, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself because verbal and emotional abuse is a different situation. It makes me wish I never got married and/or had kids in the first place. I feel like such a failure. Well, I need to go to bed. You are very kind, you know.
Tracy
Tracy, here is an attitude you can think about and begin to adopt immediately. You are not a failure because there ARE NO FAILURES IN LIFE. There is merely a lesson you needed to learn. Think about it, the reason you are in this mess is because you need to learn the great lesson of valuing yourself. If you valued yourself and your life highly, you might have been pickier about the husband you chose. You may have acknowledged that sex is important, indeed a physical drive, but is to be managed wisely as promiscuity is dangerous these days. If you already valued yourself, your problems would have been different than the ones you now have.
You are not a failure, you are a confused lonely young woman. You have done nothing that can't be rectified. The root of your problem lies in your self esteem.
Here's something else you can think about: you went to counseling, you even got your husband to go. His refusal to be honest was your proof that he doesn't take his marriage seriously. You can now divorce him with a clear conscience that you tried to work things out. If he is not willing to work at it also, there's nothing more that you can do. Unless of course you're willing to live a miserable life with a man that is disrespectful and abusive.
I am a strong believer in the idea that we come together to learn the lessons we need to learn. He came into your life to help you to learn to value yourself, and when you didn't, life sent you the men you hooked up with. To quote another life coach and inspirational person I admire, Anthony Robbins, everything has a purpose, and it serves us. When we ignore the lessons we need to learn, life sends us the same fare over and over until we do learn it.
There is no relationship greater than the one we have with ourselves. When all others leave us, we are left with ourselves. To learn to have an unshakable regard for ourselves and our life and our possibilities is our purpose here. It is not selfish or vain to care for ourselves. It is the way that we become the most effective in our relationships with others.
I was unlovable until I learned to love myself. If you would like to learn more about this, I highly recommend Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS. It is a self paced personal therapy with the doc himself. It's not an easy read, and there are some gut wrenching chapters that ask you to dig deep, but it's worth it.
