Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

My first thought is, why does he act the way he does away from home, but when he is there with you, he acts so differently. I know that the first part of my marriage, I felt very similar. I didn't think he really wanted me around. I would try to call him while he was at work *hes a deputy sheriff* and I would either get his voicemail or be told that he was busy. Come to find out he was having an affair with my best friend. It was the hardest thing that I EVER have had to deal with. We decided to stay together if he broke off all contact with her, which he did, and we havent' looked back. I can truly say that now, 3 years later, he truly loves me and treats me like "his queen". There is no more of the disrespect or bad treatment. He would talk with her, she would tell him lies about me and he felt he didnt know me. That is absolutely no excuse for the affair, but without communication in our marriage, we both allowed it to break down to the point of an outsider coming in and almost destroying it. You have to tell him how you feel and see if anything changes. There is no point in living any longer in a relationship where you are miserable. I do not think you are being selfish or stupid. You must take up for yourself. If you decide to leave or decide to stay it's up to you and only you. You can choose to live this way for the rest of your life or choose to make a change. One thing I learned through all of my grief is that you cannot change the other person. You have to make small changes in yourself. I was so desperate, I would buy every self help book as well as marriage/relationship repair book that I saw. The one thing that was constant was the fact that you can only change you. From your post it's hard to see if you two are ever able to do anything together. That is one thing that we have put into perspective, is that we must have date night and spend special times together. It's not good that his friends hate you or talk bad about you-especially since they do not know you. It makes me wonder what he's saying to them.  You have put 3 years of your life into this relationship and if you want it to work, you really will have to try, but if not, count your losses and move on. Being single isnt as bad as it seems and you will live life on your own terms then. I hope it all works out for you. Take care of YOU..

 

Cassie

I love my husband dearly but have been hurt for so long. Since our child was born nearly 3 years ago I feel like my importance to him has been delayed until furter notice. I have always been the one to initiate sex or any type of interaction sence day one. I have given up on that because I feel like I am begging to be love. After our child was born he told me I was fat and didnt dress apropriate, so I made a goal of loosing all the baby weight and am now just 5lbs over what I was when we meet. Still nothing not you look good or anything. I now get noticed by other guys so I must have done something right. One thing that has really bothered my for a long time is the fact that he is so "thing" oriented and it goes from one thing to another he gets so fixated on a vidio game, whating some new thing we cant afford or getting lost in a product of some kind. We had a falling out over an incident where I called the police on him to try and calm him down one day. Our son was six months old and I had been caring for the baby and put him to sleep finally and wanted some adult time to talk and my husband had been reading this manual for his new cell phone for about two weeks "ooh check this out, ooh this is cool, wow I didnt know it could do this" I was to the point were I wanted to smash the cell phone. I kept coming in there trying to talk to him and asking him how his day was he was just fixated on the phone. I picked up one of the little quick guides that came with it at him. I knew I had struck something up then and ran up to my room and cried. He treated to beat the door down and me daughter who was 5 at the time started asking whats wrong, he told her he was going to kill mommy as she started crying. I called the cops to come talk to him. He wont forgive me for this and tells me he cant trust me. He tells me he doesnt like me. I think it would be better if he would go file for divorce and get it finalized. I sleep on the couch now it just hurts to be next to someone who I dont feel cares if I'm there. How do I get past or over come an uncomfortable situation I have asked him to go to councling. I dont want a room mate I want a lover and a friend to grow together with.

Husband has no sexual interest, should have been the topic .....

 

Been with my husband for 2 yrs, married for 1.  I am 40 and my husband is 54

 

In the beginning, we had sex every night.  It started to slip by him telling be he was tired, back hurt or didn't feel well.  At first I thought it might have been his age and lack of sexual desire.  He won't take anything to help his male vigor, not that it is ever really needed, just something I suggested, just in case it was.  He was the pursuer in the beginning, until things slowed down sexually between us.

 

Well, a year later, it has only gotten worse.  I have been the one in the past year to start things in bed with a 50/50 chance of getting anything.  And a 50/50 chance of him showing any interest while doing it.  If I reach over and get him ready, he will usually just roll over and proceed, without so much as a kiss or any fondling.  If I don't persue sex, we don't have any.

 

Last night I tried again, as as soon as I touched him there, he asked me "what are you doing?" 

I responded, "trying to get my husband interested in making love with me" 

He was clearly was telling me, No, again!

I asked him "Why?"  Was it because I had gained 10 lbs? (which shouldn't matter) or 

Did he want me to get it from someone else?  He responded with "Is that what you want?"  I said No, I want You! 

Then even asked, Do you want someone else?  His response "I don't need anyone else." 

Need and want are two different things!

I asked if he wanted to dress in sexy nightites and dance around for him, he quickly replied, "No!"

We talked for a while, about every other problem he had, except of why he don't want to make love to me.  The house wasn't clean enought,  the gas card was too high, so I need to conserve and stay home more.  How his job wasn't making enough money to pay the bill and I will have to go find a job.

(I receive survivors benefits for my two children, from my 2nd husband's death which pays all but 10% of the house bills - his portion pays what is lacking from my checks, gas and groceries.)

How I call him too much during the day ... when it was him calling me almost every hour for about a year and a half

Needless to say - NOTHING HAPPENED

 

I feel like I am losing my mind with frustration.  Thoughts of having an affair, just for pure sexual pleasure, has even crossed my mind.

 

I can't help but feel like I am the reason for his lack of interest ... what can I do??

Is there a way to better our marriage bed?

It's like I'm his mom and have to do everything for him, but if I ask for him to do anything for me I'm being selfish. I'm the mom to two wonderful kids that I had, I don't want to be a mom to the man I'm sleeping with. I told him the other day you live your mom at home to go play with your friends not your girlfriend. He turned to me with this look of WOW!!! I've started going out every night he does, with kids intow, just to prove to him I'm still human!!!! 

 

I let him know I had my back bone back and I wasn't taking anymore crap off of him or any of his friends anymore!!! They don't like me because I'm older, divorced, and have kids. Plus I have the nice house and trucks and I don't need their money or approvel to have any of it. 

 

My breaking point was when my boyfriend started to let his friends say where I could go and if I could be in MY OWN HOUSE when they were there. They all say I'm a "B" well that day they saw what a real one looked and sounded like.

 

Honey stand up and let him know your are a human not his slave and you make your own rules for your life!!!    Good luck and I hope you find your backbone like I did.

 Me and my husband have only been married for two years we are very young, we are only 22. Since December we have not lived together because of housing situations (nothing was wrong with our marriage then). It is now August and we are still not living together. So of course you grow apart, from not living together. we have been together since 11th grade. Oh and might i imention we have a two year old daughter that we love dearly. But since Feburary things have been rocky, we were going to get  divorce. We talked things out and we are trying to make it work. But ,while the fighting was going on things were said to each other, hurtful things. I have learned to forgive my husband because we are very frustrated with our living situation and money problems so we just took it out on each other and i know what i said was out of anger and frustration. Well my spouse continues to bring up things I said and says that is love for me is not as strong as it used to be. He says that he loves me and wants to make things work and he doesn't want to be with anyone else but how can he not learn to forgive me? I try to get touchy feely with him and he rejects me cause we are at my parents house or he is tired (he says). I am just so confused i tell him how strong my love for him is and .... i don't know i just feel like i have so much love for him and there is little in return. We should still be really intimate i mean we are still newly married. Sex maybe once a month?? I don't know what are your outtakes?

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together in a reltionship for 15 years. We were always part of a strong group of couples (5) that initiated because my wife has had 4 good friends since high school that stayed together. All the boyfriends and now husbands get along and are now also close friends. Last year one of the husbands died after battling brain cancer for 12 years. This has obviously shaken up our world. My wife is probably the closest to the wife so I have been supportive for her to do what ever is necessary to help her. We moved last year away from all our friends so this has required my wife to travel frequently to be with her friend. I have been supportive and loving and sharing along the way. any trip that was planned for her and her girls, I was usually the first husband to say go for it. Now the widow friend naturally wants to be alive again as a woman and meet men. Not for a relationship but for physical connection to feel alive as a women and to have confidence that she can survive as single and still be sexy. Although as a male friend, I am troubled by this, I understand it and read a widow bereavement book to understand it.

 

Now here is my anxiety dilemma. I knew this would be a tough year, but I am at the point were the total emotional attachment of my wife to her friend is tearing us and me apart. I am usually pretty confident to let my wife have her space and support her and she usually shows her affection and love back when ready. Over the last 2 months she has gone cold to me. So then I understand that between this emotional time and taking care of the kids that her "account is full" so I work to provide more help to her and the kids at home. Usually somehting that works for us too, but not the last 2 months. She seemed to be pushing me away and acting cold to me more. Friends even mentioned it to me so it was not just in my head. So went back to my old ways of displaying attention and affection, buy flowers just because she needed a lift, buy a gift to give to her, write her a love note. None of that engaged much affection back although she did register my concern for her and us. Finally I could not be subtle anymore and I got her to listen to me on how I feel about what was going on. I had to stand up for me (as some male friends felt I was being taken advantage of by her). I directly engage a conversation on why the lack of affection and even physical attention or response. Her inital answer was about being emotionally exhausted about her friend, all her other girl friends, and then the kids on a daily basis. She has not desire for physical attention. OK makes sense, I justed wanted her to tell me. But in that conversation, she tells me that she has no physical attraction to me right now. Our relationship is more like sister and brother. She says this happens in relationships this long and its can be normal. Is it?

 

We have never had a hyper sexual relationship overall, but when we do have romantic time alone or close sharing. We both usually respond. I know that since I am 41 and she is 38 that I need to improve some things to help us with our sexual relationship, but now she seems to act is if it is too late. On one hand, I have always been gentle on this subject and let her work it out and be willing to do what it takes to help us. But she does not seem interested at all. Then I am confused to hear talk or email to her friends about being sexual attracted to people she sees and dreaming about it. Now since her single friend has had a one-night stand when visiting to us, my wife has joked that maybe she should go see this same guy. When her friend's joking request for a future trip was for a tall dark and handsome singe straight man, my wife's reply was I will take what she is having. I have also found while using her cell phone, a picture of a sexy man that was obviously at the same hotel her and her girls visited this January. I have heard comments on she looks at the picture to dream about being with that guy. Part of my frank conversation with her was is she having or planning on having an affair. I never thought in my life that I would ever have to ask that of my wife, but that is the state of myself recently.

 

In our relationship she says it has plateaued and that even though getting married at 26 years old is not necessarily really young, she often wonders what she has missed out on. I have read about how women can resent their husbands and loose physical interest for may reasons. Especially when she can review her life an be in a state of low self-worth on just being a mother so naturally the resentment is towards the husband. But as hard as I try to bring us back together, the more she pushes back that all she needs his her girls. I have planned date nights, help around the house and with the kids at home, as she has been exercising - I tell how good she looks. She buys attractive and sexier clothes and I tell her she looks beautiful. Unresponsive even sometimes with a thank you or smile.

 

Any advice or evalution of the situation? Usually I am ver comfortable about giving her space and riding it out, but her acts and her comments lately do no make me feel comfortable to ride it out and give her space. I read books and talk to friends and apply the suggestions and it all seems to be counterproductive.

You always hear about men going through a mid-life crises, but I believe it happens to women too. When I was 36 I went crazy. I started to question my marriage, my career, I was drinking and going to bars with my friends and yes I did have an affair. My husband was at a loss it was like my personality changed over night.

 

All I can say is get into couples therapy. I also went into therapy alone. She also need to talk to her doctor. I was placed on hormones and that really helped me.

 

It has been three years since I went off the deep end. Our marriage is back on track and we are very happy. I can truly say he is my best friend and I would rather spend time with him than anyone else.  I can't believe I at one time felt that I was done with this marriage and wanted out of it. So there is hope, keep being honest with your feelings and hopefully she will eventually want to get help for the marriage. 

I have said to her that I am having a mid-life crisis and looking for self-worth but I know I need to do it myself and not depend solely on her. I need my own help (physcially and therapy) and my own friends to help me.  I also told her that I know that physical attention is an easy out and therefore it can be even less attractive to her. I get that...But I was hoping for her to respond in a similar way. She said maybe she will feel that way at my age but now she does not. She is saying this is normal and maybe we will get through it, but her behavior to me seems absolute. Her answers for not having an affair or planning one were all logical but none emotional. she has left all her emotions at the door. they all are absorbed by her friends. I get it, but how long do I wait it out. I see a therapist for me this week. I hope he will advise me. I asked her about seeing one herself first. She said yet again she has her friends (although she has seen one in her past prior to us meeting). Her sister and husband have openly talked about seeing a marriage therpaist in the past and the other night. I truly believe that her sister wants to help me and us based on her comments to me and in front of both of us, but again no foward response from my wife on the subject. She is known to be someone who analyzes situations and feelings for a long time then adjusts, but I think life has become to complicated now for her to do it this way. Since her friends are all the same age and feeling basically the same way, I do not think she gets that it is not helping us or herself in a relationship with me.

One last thing, as I read relationship books about this and books about helping sexual relationships. The symptoms she is portraying are more aligned to male responses. Maybe more evidence that she is also going through a mid-life crisis.

It's good you are seeing a therapist. I hope he can help you sort out your feelings and help you make healthy decisions about your future. I wish your wife would do the same. Friends are good but we all know talking to friends isn't the same as therapy. Friends can be biased.

 

If I were in your shoes and my husband wouldn't get help for our marriage, I would probably tell him I am unhappy and I will not continue in a marriage that is unfulfilling to either of our needs. Things need to either change or we need to seriously think about whether or not we should stay in this marriage.

 

Another thing if you attend church talk to your pastor. The night I told my husband of my affair and that I didn't feel that I loved him any longer and wanted to end our marriage, I left the house in an emotional wreck, when I returned my pastor and his wife were sitting on my couch. I know at the time I wanted to kill my husband, but that was the best move he ever did. We laugh about it now, we call it my intervention. I'm deeply rooted in my faith. I knew what I was doing was so wrong. My pastor told me that sometimes we need to ignore the feelings in our heart and do what we know is right and just trust God with it. He was so right. I ended my affair and started attending marriage counseling with my husband. It was hard, because I truly thought I was in love with this other person and I didn't think I could ever recapture my love for my husband, but my pastor was right in time God did change my heart.

 

I just hope your wife does make the right choice, but I think you are taking positive steps for yourself, and after all that is really the only thing you have control over, Best of luck to you!

I agree with all you have said. My thoughts about being so focused on her friend and friends has botherered me honestly for 2+ years now, which is proabably when we started to lose the romance. At that time, half of it was me as I was caught up in work and a very long commute that exhausted me. I hoped that moving to a place that would allow more family time and less financial stress would help us, but the devotion to friends got higher. Then, the last year we have been in this personal crisis and grief, it has pulled us further apart instead of closer including very straight out desire for her to be left alone only with her friends. ("Yeah vacation was good but I would rather be with my girls!" - she doesn't realize how much that hurts and is offensive including to her children too) Her sister now agrees and plans to perform her own intervention. I think my wife is getting nervous or paranoid herself about intervention cuz she has asked me to speak and talk to other people beyond her family and our close friends. Healthy for me yes, but why is it OK for her not to find new friends and new outlets to talk about I need to do it. I have been doing more of it the last 2-3 months. In my state of paranoia, I read into it that she feels I am pushing to hard to get her back to me or someone on my side. (she will often joke but know says it with a snicker ..."its all about me").

 

So on your advice, after 1 meeting my therapist does want my wife to come in but said lets hold off for a while maybe a month so we have some more sessions, she can ponder more about what I said so she does not feel pushed, a friend might say something, and she has another girls trip coming up. Eventually, he wants me to ask her to come see him herself to help me, then a session together. Let's see. As my head gets better, I am willing to let the anniversary of my friends death pass in 3 months then work towards helping us if that's what will help. As I said to her sister, it is one thing to be in a rut but to not communoicate to me and not show any emotion at all, then obviously she has shut me out except for being a provider and father. No wonder she cannot connect to me any other way.

 

Second, on bringing God and our faith into it. I think that would help, but she has totally distance herself from the church. She goes if at all over the last 3-4 months as obligation for the children or family (mom, etc.). I though about Marriage Encounter weekend as I know other friends have done this, but at this point I am sure she would bug out on that too. We have both fell a little away from church since moving. We do not have the fellowship connection that we did at our old home, but I at least still enjoy mass and also going on my own just to pray. She has not done something like that for months.

 

So I will take care of myself, take baby steps, slowly prompt her for help and at some point she has to realize that being in a marriage as roommates (or brother and sister as she put it) is not right and healthy.

 

thank you again for listening and writing back. Writing about it out loud helps me with my thoughts so I handle it better and handle my own therapy better.