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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Number of Replies: 1032
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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October 27, 2008, 4:14 pm CDT

Postponed wedding - seeking advice

I really need advice on this, please...

 

I'll try to make it short. My fiance and I have been together almost 5 years. We're both in our mid-20s. Well, we were supposed to get married this past Aug after being engaged for a year and a half. We had to call it off because 6 weeks before our wedding, he told me he wasn't sure I was "the one." You can just imagine how devasted I was...and am. This has happened before when we were just dating and living together. A few years ago, we broke up for 7 months because he said the same thing then and then begged for me back. I was so hurt and it took a little time to think, but I truly love him so we got back together. He says he loves me very much and we're still engaged (with no set marriage date now) and he says he's trying to work out his feelings. So to help things, he's moved back home and we are trying to talk less and see each other about once a week. He said that may rekindle a "spark" maybe. It hasn't yet and it's been about 2 weeks. I just don't know what to do. Of course everyone I know, including our mutual friends, say to bail but truth is I love him so much and don't want to make a decision out of anger. How long should I give it and do you think we're handling this the right way? I told him I won't "go backwards" with him, meaning being just boyfriend-girlfriend. We either fix this ASAP or move on. I am also considering seeing a couselor but unfortunately he doesn't have insurance...only I do. So only I'd be able to go, but I thought it'd be better if we went together. Any advice on this? Suggestions? I really need help. I'm hurting so bad.

 
October 30, 2008, 6:43 am CDT

My 2 cents

Quote From: georgiagirl22

I really need advice on this, please...

 

I'll try to make it short. My fiance and I have been together almost 5 years. We're both in our mid-20s. Well, we were supposed to get married this past Aug after being engaged for a year and a half. We had to call it off because 6 weeks before our wedding, he told me he wasn't sure I was "the one." You can just imagine how devasted I was...and am. This has happened before when we were just dating and living together. A few years ago, we broke up for 7 months because he said the same thing then and then begged for me back. I was so hurt and it took a little time to think, but I truly love him so we got back together. He says he loves me very much and we're still engaged (with no set marriage date now) and he says he's trying to work out his feelings. So to help things, he's moved back home and we are trying to talk less and see each other about once a week. He said that may rekindle a "spark" maybe. It hasn't yet and it's been about 2 weeks. I just don't know what to do. Of course everyone I know, including our mutual friends, say to bail but truth is I love him so much and don't want to make a decision out of anger. How long should I give it and do you think we're handling this the right way? I told him I won't "go backwards" with him, meaning being just boyfriend-girlfriend. We either fix this ASAP or move on. I am also considering seeing a couselor but unfortunately he doesn't have insurance...only I do. So only I'd be able to go, but I thought it'd be better if we went together. Any advice on this? Suggestions? I really need help. I'm hurting so bad.

He is telling you something, LISTEN.  He doesn't want to be married to you(nor maybe anyone right now).  Maybe he is unable to come right out and say it so bluntly and definately (even to himself).  But it's not right for EITHER of you to string this relationship along after this same thing has happened twice.  It's like you're both trying to force the situation to work.  And if you have to lure him back to loving you enough to marry you 2 times, (or even be expected to wait while he figures out for himself if he wants to proceed), you will be signing up to repeat this pattern the rest of your lives together.   Marriage is more of the same.  Try to look clearly at what he is offering you right now. 

 

It's not that I'm implying you're chasing him for marriage, but that you want to make sure you've exhausted all opportunity to make it work.  But he isn't fully committed to that himself (his action was to pull away); so you can't make that up for him.   You've probably invested a lot into building this relationship, and that's why I say it's so important for you both to move on.   And also I think he's done the right thing by being honest with you about what he has to offer you.  Now the ball's in your court to make a decision with both eyes open.

 
November 4, 2008, 10:00 am CST

don't know what else to do

Me and my husband been married for 1 month and on our wedding night he play madden with his cousin. He is in the military i'm a house wife. He thinks i'm cheating on him, which i'm not. I have a best friend who is a male. Any man that speak i'm having sex with. I don't have any female friends. I really dont get along with them. He knew we were friends before we got married. He has female friend i 'm not worried about them. I love him. He goes through my phone. He say who is this who is that. But I got to the point where i say dont ask me any more. He thinks he has motive because i say that. I 'am sick and tired of being accoused. I don't want to give up. He doesn't want to have sex anymore? I try everything. He say he dont feel like it. I think he is tring to see how long i gonna wait to see when i'm gonna cheat. We live in virginia. my best friend is stationed in california. What!!! I 'am a sex ahalic. I'm on the mountian about to jump. What should i do.
 
December 11, 2008, 3:06 pm CST

Affection and Attraction

I am 23 yrs old and newly engaged. I've been with my fiancée for over 4 yrs now and I love him deeply. I am so very much attracted to him and his body. Because I am not consistently affectionate towards him he feels I am not attracted to him. What can I do to please him and myself without losing my mind?
 
December 16, 2008, 9:57 pm CST

Hurt and confussed

I am a 32 yr old hairstylist that just recently is loosing her marriage of 10 yrs and a the over all relationship of 12 yrs, we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and went to Vegas to renew our wedding vows and three days later we had a heated arrgument I ended up at my mothers for the night the nect day my husband left, he said that he is over all of it and that he is done with it all. I then realized what I had done to make the marriage take a nose dive, I started reading the Realationship Rescue book and I found out alot about myself and what I did to cause the break up, I am now at a stand still with the book how can I work through to the end when my husband is not in the home. My son has chosen to live with his dad and I am afraid to tell my spouse how I really feel for I have the fear of rejection when we do sit down adn talk.
 
December 18, 2008, 7:54 am CST

Go for it

Quote From: minniemouse528

I am a 32 yr old hairstylist that just recently is loosing her marriage of 10 yrs and a the over all relationship of 12 yrs, we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and went to Vegas to renew our wedding vows and three days later we had a heated arrgument I ended up at my mothers for the night the nect day my husband left, he said that he is over all of it and that he is done with it all. I then realized what I had done to make the marriage take a nose dive, I started reading the Realationship Rescue book and I found out alot about myself and what I did to cause the break up, I am now at a stand still with the book how can I work through to the end when my husband is not in the home. My son has chosen to live with his dad and I am afraid to tell my spouse how I really feel for I have the fear of rejection when we do sit down adn talk.

Don't let the fear stop you from the one thing that may help you.

Look at it this way, he has ALREADY rejected you, what more can he say or do? If he's not living in your home then what have you got to be afraid of? He can only say he's not interested, but he can't move out again can he?

What I suggest is that if you can get him to talk with you, tell him that you've been examining yourself and your actions, and apologize for whatever it is you have done. Don't fish for his own self examination or his apologies, make this about you coming clean about your role in things. If he still loves you, he will know if it's coming from your heart.

I pray that he hears you with forgiveness.

 
December 23, 2008, 2:07 pm CST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: ritehere

Don't let the fear stop you from the one thing that may help you.

Look at it this way, he has ALREADY rejected you, what more can he say or do? If he's not living in your home then what have you got to be afraid of? He can only say he's not interested, but he can't move out again can he?

What I suggest is that if you can get him to talk with you, tell him that you've been examining yourself and your actions, and apologize for whatever it is you have done. Don't fish for his own self examination or his apologies, make this about you coming clean about your role in things. If he still loves you, he will know if it's coming from your heart.

I pray that he hears you with forgiveness.

I have spoken to him and i got now where he is going to remove the rest of his things from our home. I don't have the strength to go on anymore. I have said how sorry I am for all of the wrong doing that I have done to reuine this marriage and I got from him was " I like my freedom" "I had a huge weight lifted off of me when I left" " I don't know if I want to save our marriage" I can't go on without him and I am ready to end it all so that all of the pain can once and for all leave.
 
December 30, 2008, 11:51 am CST

Sorry to hear that

Quote From: minniemouse528

I have spoken to him and i got now where he is going to remove the rest of his things from our home. I don't have the strength to go on anymore. I have said how sorry I am for all of the wrong doing that I have done to reuine this marriage and I got from him was " I like my freedom" "I had a huge weight lifted off of me when I left" " I don't know if I want to save our marriage" I can't go on without him and I am ready to end it all so that all of the pain can once and for all leave.

I'm so sorry to hear that he is done with you and the marriage. Sometimes it happens that way.

The re-enactment of the marriage vows may have been his last ditch effort for the marriage, and the knock down drag out fight you two had may have been the last straw for him. Had you known this, you may have taken other steps to avoid what happened. But you didn't know.

Now is the time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Instead of wallowing in self pity and saying things like "I can't go on without him!" you need to get yourself into a different mind-set.

I know you are in pain, and I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but life goes on. Seek out those that can help you and don't isolate yourself in a cocoon of pain and self-pity. Admit to yourself that you made mistakes and stop agonizing over what is gone. Learn from your mistakes and move on from it. Take what small comfort you can from the knowledge that others have been where you are and have triumphed over the anguish of loss.

Make a commitment to yourself today and start being kind to yourself.

 
January 5, 2009, 4:09 pm CST

What do I do

I am 23 years old have been married for 3 years been with my husband for 8 years. We have 3 children and 1 on the way. Even though we have a few children we are not intimate very often. I have tried to romance shall we say but on his behalf he don't get it. He thinks if he grabs a breast or slaps my butt or tries to touch me other places that should make me want to jump all over him. I don't know if I am just tired and worn out taking care of the kids but I am afraid that he might step out and find somebody else. He has not shown any signs or ever stepped out. He is a great father and husband he takes care of all of us, I love dearly. Please any advice?
 
January 22, 2009, 10:32 am CST

Fire is out and no ambers remain

This is not going to be a positive message. Being married for the second time for only three years. It started out wonderful then as years go by I noticed not only in the bedroom, but just trying to talk to her that her life/friends were more important then me. I took her out to dinner, bought flowers asked how her day was. But everyday it was something differant. Being married for three years isn't a long time but when there isn't no affection or feeling of love then it's time to save your self before she drags you down with bad feelings about yourself. So I say if you try to save something for awhile you have to finally say enough and let the one sided fire die. Sorry so negative but that's the way I feel. 
 
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