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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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January 28, 2009, 2:28 am CST

Returning for advice

I wrote in the late summer and fall about how my wife has loss interest in me after 12 years of marriage and 15 years of a relationship. I got some good advice and words and did all the right things - therapy, exercise, talked to close friend, and prayers. And with my wife, was honest about my feelings, read a book to learn about hers, paid attention to what she was doing and what was needed at home. We re-connected a little, sexually, romantically, and as partners of our family. But it isn't all good and I am unsure again. I started to question her motives for passion. She is obviously attracted to my neighbor (husband with wife and 3 kids) and I started to realize that a few of the times we had sex was after we were at our neighbor's house or with them at a party. I actually caught her clearing the view from our office window to be able to watch him mow his lawn. Sometime the sex was passionate and other times she got bored and wanted to stop (New year's eve).

 

She has gone back to hinting about having a fling and looking for sex outside the marriage that some might say is girl talk but I found it troubling because it is so often and more blatant than her friends from what I can see. 1) After hearing about a friends co-worker had an affair with a country club tennis pro who was 10 yrs younger, she said "what club, I should check him out to see what I am missing" 2) after 20 year high school reunion, she has tried to start a dialogue with a old aquaintance who was not an old boyfriend. I know reunions bring on a lot of desire to be young again an re-experience old love, but this seems to be more that she feels she missed out on not being with him. After a few email exchanges she always writes to her friends that maybe she needs to go back NJ on her own for a visit to meet this guy. I think he is also married. His responses although encouraging to her do not seem flirty, but I am sure that having my attracted wife interested in contacting him has made him curious too. 3) She and her friends keep planning revisit re-unions. My wife did not attempt to take her own trip for the last one, but know she has though about going to one this summer and has not said anything to me. I over-heard another friend talk about it. and 4) This is the one that has bothered me the most now. On emails about her annual girls weekend to South Beach she has indicated that she needs a fling with not a haha but just a smile face. Isn't that being too much? The exchange was that her one (now recently widowed) friend who has been guy crazy and hooking up a lot wrote that maybe she would connect with the bartender at the hotel prior to the trip to arrange a fling and maybe get free drinks for all. The called it Recession Sex. My wife's response was "BTW, I could use some Recession Sex too". Is this normal? If it so much on her mind can it not eventually happen and damage our marriage? It has already questioned my trust of her? (anyone?)

 

I know I am not perfect and could do things better, but I am and have always been willing to discuss and adjust. I know that my sexual performance could be better at times too, but I have always listen to her in the past on this. Now she does not talk about it. I read boards, articles, books, and listen to other people's stories and I feel I am doing all the right things for this relationship, but I am not sure it is really breaking through to her. Her friends relationships always take priority.

 

My therapist wanted me to get her into to see him, but I backed away and felt I was maybe over reacting when she started to be nice to me again and we started to have some sex again. Maybe I am being to shy about really addressing that we need help together not just me. As far as I know she still does not go to counseling and relies only on her friends. I guess in 2009 I need to request it.

 
February 20, 2009, 3:41 pm CST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: gsanbo

I wrote in the late summer and fall about how my wife has loss interest in me after 12 years of marriage and 15 years of a relationship. I got some good advice and words and did all the right things - therapy, exercise, talked to close friend, and prayers. And with my wife, was honest about my feelings, read a book to learn about hers, paid attention to what she was doing and what was needed at home. We re-connected a little, sexually, romantically, and as partners of our family. But it isn't all good and I am unsure again. I started to question her motives for passion. She is obviously attracted to my neighbor (husband with wife and 3 kids) and I started to realize that a few of the times we had sex was after we were at our neighbor's house or with them at a party. I actually caught her clearing the view from our office window to be able to watch him mow his lawn. Sometime the sex was passionate and other times she got bored and wanted to stop (New year's eve).

 

She has gone back to hinting about having a fling and looking for sex outside the marriage that some might say is girl talk but I found it troubling because it is so often and more blatant than her friends from what I can see. 1) After hearing about a friends co-worker had an affair with a country club tennis pro who was 10 yrs younger, she said "what club, I should check him out to see what I am missing" 2) after 20 year high school reunion, she has tried to start a dialogue with a old aquaintance who was not an old boyfriend. I know reunions bring on a lot of desire to be young again an re-experience old love, but this seems to be more that she feels she missed out on not being with him. After a few email exchanges she always writes to her friends that maybe she needs to go back NJ on her own for a visit to meet this guy. I think he is also married. His responses although encouraging to her do not seem flirty, but I am sure that having my attracted wife interested in contacting him has made him curious too. 3) She and her friends keep planning revisit re-unions. My wife did not attempt to take her own trip for the last one, but know she has though about going to one this summer and has not said anything to me. I over-heard another friend talk about it. and 4) This is the one that has bothered me the most now. On emails about her annual girls weekend to South Beach she has indicated that she needs a fling with not a haha but just a smile face. Isn't that being too much? The exchange was that her one (now recently widowed) friend who has been guy crazy and hooking up a lot wrote that maybe she would connect with the bartender at the hotel prior to the trip to arrange a fling and maybe get free drinks for all. The called it Recession Sex. My wife's response was "BTW, I could use some Recession Sex too". Is this normal? If it so much on her mind can it not eventually happen and damage our marriage? It has already questioned my trust of her? (anyone?)

 

I know I am not perfect and could do things better, but I am and have always been willing to discuss and adjust. I know that my sexual performance could be better at times too, but I have always listen to her in the past on this. Now she does not talk about it. I read boards, articles, books, and listen to other people's stories and I feel I am doing all the right things for this relationship, but I am not sure it is really breaking through to her. Her friends relationships always take priority.

 

My therapist wanted me to get her into to see him, but I backed away and felt I was maybe over reacting when she started to be nice to me again and we started to have some sex again. Maybe I am being to shy about really addressing that we need help together not just me. As far as I know she still does not go to counseling and relies only on her friends. I guess in 2009 I need to request it.

OK my first response disappeared when I clicked "Preview".  So here's it is again in a shorter form. 

Your wife sounds to be having a mid-life crisis and wondering about what she may be missing.  Having occasional private thoughts about being with someone else isn't unusual over the course of a long relationship.  But when it crosses the line with actions or words people get hurt. 

You both need to get into counseling immediately.  Understand that the counselor may need a session with just your wife to ask so very direct questions with the hope of getting honest answers.

If she want to "step out" there isn't anything you can really do about it.  You can't control her actions but you sure as hell can control your own.  If my wife wanted to have a fling I'd tell her I'm sorry you feel that way.  And while I'd be in a lot of emotional pain I'd also tell her I won't be here when you get back.

 
February 20, 2009, 3:53 pm CST

Different views

Quote From: dnthvclue23

I am 23 years old have been married for 3 years been with my husband for 8 years. We have 3 children and 1 on the way. Even though we have a few children we are not intimate very often. I have tried to romance shall we say but on his behalf he don't get it. He thinks if he grabs a breast or slaps my butt or tries to touch me other places that should make me want to jump all over him. I don't know if I am just tired and worn out taking care of the kids but I am afraid that he might step out and find somebody else. He has not shown any signs or ever stepped out. He is a great father and husband he takes care of all of us, I love dearly. Please any advice?
First of all I understand that with three kids underfoot and one on the way it's difficult to find time for just the two of you.  But trust me, the time and effort you and your husband put into keeping that couple-ness is an investment for the future.

OK, you've heard it before but it's the truth.  Generally men and women approach intimacy from opposite directions.  To a woman romance is him helping out around the house, sharing feelings, talking, a nice card, flowers, etc.  To a man it's lingerie and seduction.  Ideally you're both doing what the other wants to bring you together.  Get the book "Sex Begins in the Kitchen".  Read it first with an highlighter in hand to note the parts that really call out to you.  Then have him do the same.  Finally sit down and go over what you've read together.  The put it into practice.
 
February 20, 2009, 4:12 pm CST

Mixed messages

Quote From: butterfly1703

I am 23 yrs old and newly engaged. I've been with my fiancée for over 4 yrs now and I love him deeply. I am so very much attracted to him and his body. Because I am not consistently affectionate towards him he feels I am not attracted to him. What can I do to please him and myself without losing my mind?
You said you're "...very much attracted to him and his body".  So what do you mean when you say that you are not consistently affectionate toward him?  Are you saying that sometimes you say and do things to show your desire for him and other times you're cold and distant?  Being hit and miss sends a mixed message to the other person.  He may be wondering ... so why is she this way now when last night it was just the opposite?  Did I do or say something?  If this is the case your actions may be driving him crazy as well. 

Or did you mean when you're not constantly affectionate he feels you're not attracted to him?  Then it may be more a matter of lack of self esteem on his part.  I think we all want to be told that we're loved and desired by our mate.  But if it's a need that can't be filled no matter how hard you try thae he needs to address that with a counselor.

One thing to remember is that very few people can read minds.  While you may think/feel love and affection toward your husband he can't hear or see those thoughts/feelings.  And yes, this of course goes both ways.  Guys also need to say and express their love for their wives as well. 
 
March 3, 2009, 5:49 pm CST

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS NOW, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ABOUT 24 YEARS DATED FOR 8.
OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS HAD SOME VERY HARD TIMES AND WHEN I SAY HARD TIMES I MEAN HARD FOR ME. I WAS CONSTANTLY CHEATED ON WITH NUMEROUS WOMEN, BUT I HUNG IN THERE. ABOUT A YEAR AFTER WE GOT MARRIED MY HUSBAND CHOSE TO TAKE A JOB THAT KEEPS HIM OUT OF TOWN FOR WEEKS MAYBE MONTHS AT A TIME......LONG STORY SHORT, I AM ALONE ALL THE TIME AND OUR SEX LIFE IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF IT. MY HUSBAND THINKS THAT WHEN HE COMES HOME AFTER MONTHS OF BEING AWAY THAT I'M SUPPOSE TO JUMP AT THE CHANCE OF HAVING SEX..THE THING IS THAT I'M ALONE SO MUCH I STAY IN THAT MODE WHEN HE'S HOME...WHAT CAN I DO TO GET OUT OF THAT RUNT?
 
March 6, 2009, 12:17 pm CST

Looking for a solution for us

I've been with my partner (not married) for almost four years.  We have two amazing children (ages 1 and 3).  I love her and my boys more than anything. 

 

In short she moved out on two days notice at the beginning of the year and took the boys with her to live near her family (2 to 2 and half hours away on a weeknight, which happens to be far enough away where I can't see them every day before they go to be).  Now she is just minutes from her family/friends, etc and has all the support in the world. However she doesn't have me and my kids don't have me to the level I feel they need me.     

 

We are going to counseling weekly. Major issues have been my family, meaning I have appeased/tolerated parents behavior in the past things that I should not have (like teasing our kids, etc).  Basically not putting my kids and partner first when I should have, when I've felt stuck in the middle.   This has drove a huge wedge in our relationship.  

 

Past experiences and relationships have been carried forward into the relationship as well and have cause major trust issues and I don't know how to fix them.    Ex boyfriends and a fiance have lied about doing drugs and I on multiple accounts have been accused.  Last session she accused me again and I took it upon myself to get tested again (Hair folicle 100% accurate for 12 months past) and will be bringing the results to her to show that I am clean and don't do drugs.

 

I see glimpes in her where I think she may let me, but then its as if the switch turns on and she is back into full distances mode that wants absolutely nothing to do with me.  I personally feel things are fixable and more than that, that things can be great if we work on our communication, build our trust.   It is just difficult when we rarely spend time together and never alone (I see her 2-3 times a week while I'm visiting my boys).   I also don't want to have to put the boys in a situation where they are spending every other weekend at one of our places but that is the reality of it if we can't be happy together.  It is better to be apart for them if we'd be miserable, the kids would know and suffer for it..

 

So basically I'm running out of ideas as to how to break down the shield and not just get a chance but move on to being a happy family that I know we can be..

 
March 8, 2009, 1:00 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

I have been in a relationship with my fiance for almost 8 years. We became engaged two years into our relationship and we have lived together for the past 7 years. When we met and for the first several years I thought I had met  a really great guy.  We were good friends and were seemingly happy. We are both divorced,  and this is the first long term relationship for us both since our respective divorces. For the past year and a half, he has consistently avoided having any intimacy with me.  On almost a nightly basis he tells me he is tired and he needs to get up early for work...i work too, get up earlier and would never dream of using that or any other excuse to avoid sex and certainly not on a nightly basis and for this period of time.  I love him and he says he loves me, but i so crave the intimacy and the emotional connection that comes with a healthy physical relationship.  Our sex life was great until a year and a half ago and i have told him often how i feel, how much i miss and crave to have a sex life with him and what i need from him..he makes promises that he will put more effort into me and our relationship but he never follows through. I even showed him the recent episode of dr phil that discussed this issue and bought the book the Kosher sutra in the hopes it would help, but so far he hasn't read the book and listening to the advise on the dr phil show didn't seem to make much of an impression either.  any suggestions? I long to get back to where we were..he was my best friend my lover and my partner...
 
March 25, 2009, 3:35 am CDT

How do I go back to being his wife and not his caregiver and roomate?

My husband and I have been married for over four years and have gone from having a fun, incredibly compatible, loving relationship to one where I am more of a caregiver and roommate. We have endured MANY things in such a short time - surgeries, family illnesses, our own medical issues, career changes, and just whatever life obstacles have been put before us. My husband had an incredibly weird upbringing and consequently is emotionally very needy. His older brother was born with considerable health issues and his parents, mainly his Mom, focused ALL attention on his brother. This left my husband "out in the cold" so to speak - being sent off to neighbors and his grandma's for long periods of time while his parents dealt with his brother's challenges. Over the past four plus years, I think I've tried to compensate for his lack of care by taking it upon myself to care for him in a way that his parents never did. This has left us in a weird spot.

 

We both love each other and both want to be husband and wife rather than what we've become. Sex hasn't happened in months and lost passion long before that. Intimacy, in any way shape or form, has become almost non-existant. Any suggestions would be more than welcomed!

 
March 28, 2009, 2:46 pm CDT

My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

I'm writing because I need some advice.   My husband and I have been having problems for some time.  Mainly due to a difference in parenting styles.  He was determined to make sure that our daughter would want to live with him if we ever split up, so he was the big pushover determined to always get one up on me and I ended up being the disciplinarian / bad guy.   I simply got tired of zero support from him on the parenting front and in other areas.   It began to dawn on me that he just doesn't like me and I moved out this week.  I sent him an email (he typically responds better that way) and he told me  that he lost all feelings for me after butting heads over her for so long. 

 

So....here I am still crazy in love with him, not wanting to get a divorce but not knowing where to go from here.  Yes, we've been in counseling for @5 years.   None of this falling out of love with me EVER came up so you can imagine my shock.  HELP.

 
March 30, 2009, 12:49 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: jgj2008

Me and my husband been married for 1 month and on our wedding night he play madden with his cousin. He is in the military i'm a house wife. He thinks i'm cheating on him, which i'm not. I have a best friend who is a male. Any man that speak i'm having sex with. I don't have any female friends. I really dont get along with them. He knew we were friends before we got married. He has female friend i 'm not worried about them. I love him. He goes through my phone. He say who is this who is that. But I got to the point where i say dont ask me any more. He thinks he has motive because i say that. I 'am sick and tired of being accoused. I don't want to give up. He doesn't want to have sex anymore? I try everything. He say he dont feel like it. I think he is tring to see how long i gonna wait to see when i'm gonna cheat. We live in virginia. my best friend is stationed in california. What!!! I 'am a sex ahalic. I'm on the mountian about to jump. What should i do.

Your Husband sounds like he needs to grow up (playing madden on your wedding night?!) and realize that you two are married now.  His insecurities and jealousy is getting in the way of contentment in your home.

I think he will always be insecure.  The only thing you can do is HIDE NOTHING and be very transparent to him...let him check your phone, tell him who and where your going before you go, so he has no reason to ask.  I've dealt with my share of jealous insecure men, they are not fun to be around.  The only thing you can do for yourself is be true to you and your relationship with him.  If he continues....it's a deeper problem that you can't fix that should be addressed by professionals to find out why he would think that where there is no immediate threat.  Good luck Girl!

 
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