Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship
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October 23, 2006, 1:02 am PDT
 Quote From: dnolet Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are your emotional tool that allows you to continue when you dont feel like it. Yes, you are strong for real. You will make it through this difficult time because you are willing to change what you think and do in your marriage to make it better.
You must acknowledge that the only thing you have power and control over is how you conduct yourself in your relationship. You can not have power and control in how your husband conducts himself with you. That is his choice. Yet, your sincere and genuine desire *to do what you can* can persuade him to demonstrate his affection for you.
From your post it sounds like he has let you know exactly what some of his needs/complaints are when it comes to sleeping together. It also seems to me that you should be able to satisfy these requirements. Please, let me list them as you have stated them and then I will explain. His Complaint : 1) because I often talk too much 2) he feels he may just want too much sex. 3) I have to get up too many times for the kids 4) He's used to sleep alone overnight
Your possible solution (if you choose to): 1) If the man is tired let him sleep. You do need to talk with him he does need to sleep. This is where you both compromise on when and where. Talking with your husband is a must but you must agree with him when is the best time. If bed time is the only time you can get his attention then agree with him to keep it to an hour or less. He should then go to bed an hour earlier. 2) How much sex between husband and wife is too much? This could be part of solution #1 also. Most men just do not understand how some honest, open, genuine talking for women can lead to sex. Plus, after having sex men generally become very sedate and fall right to sleep. It is a documented biological reaction for men. 3) If your youngest is two years old then both children should be trained to sleep alone. Be very careful here that you do not put the childrens preferences before your relationship with your husband. 4) See solution #3 and retrain your family. If you are sleeping in your kids room then you have started a bad habit that only you can fix. You have trained your family to expect the wrong things. You must retrain Husband and children to expect Mommy to spend every night with Daddy.
All of these are things that you can choose to do. It may not be easy to do them but it will persuade your husband that you will keep your promises. That is what good healthy relationships are, promises that you keep first to your self then to others. You have said in an earlier post that he still likes you. *Like* is an emotional response that includes affection. He has not demonstrated this affection lately because of a lack of trust. Make promises and keep them so trust may grow. Continue to talk of what qualities attracted him to you and his affection for you will be demonstrated. You are capable of doing all of this and more. You are worthy of a happy marriage. What attracted him to me at first is my slim body and softness and being lonely. And now at the beginning of the year when a new collegue came to office who is also slim and soft and lonely, he's got quite a bit feelings to the person. He bought flowers for her birthday and a thoughtful gift for the easter and invited her for a few days' trip with him while I was away overseas. The gifts were happily accepted and he was so sure that the person would go with him for holiday since she's new in this city and has nowhere to go but it was turned off. For my oppinion it is a clear rejection as woman to a man with inappropriate feelings and the whole thing for me is a emotional infidelity/betrayal. We had serious problems with it and it obviously drove him farther away from me. It is only now I started to think things differently and trying to understand him and trying to work out what's good for everybody. He told me that if he could ever feel interested in anybody is the result of lacking feelings to me. I'm now a lot better to him in a lot of ways. But sometimes he said he got more resistant to me when I'm good to him. He's only good to me whenever I feel upset/bad about him and away from him. Is it a game? I don't want him think that he did bad things to me and still I want to be good to him so I'm pleasing him. I really don't know if I should sleep with him since he will always have sex with me and sometimes later feel not good to do so because his lacking of feelings to me. I've been accusing him as too much physical and only physical. Now I feel I've been played back. I was more narrow before and only knew what I feel. But it doesn't help to understand how he felt before and it even deosn't help as I feel so much worried/concerned what it means to my kids. I just know I have to know him clearly as himself no matter what fact it could be but I don't think I can have it since he's still choosing to be unclear. |
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October 23, 2006, 7:32 am PDT
Quote From: kala02 What attracted him to me at first is my slim body and softness and being lonely. And now at the beginning of the year when a new collegue came to office who is also slim and soft and lonely, he's got quite a bit feelings to the person. He bought flowers for her birthday and a thoughtful gift for the easter and invited her for a few days' trip with him while I was away overseas. The gifts were happily accepted and he was so sure that the person would go with him for holiday since she's new in this city and has nowhere to go but it was turned off. For my oppinion it is a clear rejection as woman to a man with inappropriate feelings and the whole thing for me is a emotional infidelity/betrayal. We had serious problems with it and it obviously drove him farther away from me. It is only now I started to think things differently and trying to understand him and trying to work out what's good for everybody. He told me that if he could ever feel interested in anybody is the result of lacking feelings to me. I'm now a lot better to him in a lot of ways. But sometimes he said he got more resistant to me when I'm good to him. He's only good to me whenever I feel upset/bad about him and away from him. Is it a game? I don't want him think that he did bad things to me and still I want to be good to him so I'm pleasing him. I really don't know if I should sleep with him since he will always have sex with me and sometimes later feel not good to do so because his lacking of feelings to me. I've been accusing him as too much physical and only physical. Now I feel I've been played back. I was more narrow before and only knew what I feel. But it doesn't help to understand how he felt before and it even deosn't help as I feel so much worried/concerned what it means to my kids. I just know I have to know him clearly as himself no matter what fact it could be but I don't think I can have it since he's still choosing to be unclear. Our Society and cultural frame of reference will guide and direct much of our behavior. In most of the world it guides the behavior of men to be dominant and lead the family. In today’s world of highly commercialized technological communications our roles in the family have become confusing. Change is now so fast that the rules of conduct we were raised with are now different. Women have the freedom to exercise inalienable rights that once were oppressed. This is a very good thing to not be FORCED into to submission because that is called slavery. Freedom is a good thing. But with freedom comes the responsibility of balance.
In your situation it seems that you were the dominate figure in your family. This may be in conflict with his perceived role. Perhaps you find it difficult to trust anyone so you take power and control at times when maybe you should not. It does take trust to follow someone else’s lead. Is it possible that your husband felt the pain of betrayal and infidelity from you also?
Once upon a time men were taught to be the family leader and to be prince and protector for his wife. Men have a vision or idea of what their role as husband is. If his vision of his role is attacked, criticized and ignored by his significant partner in marriage then to him it is a form of betrayal. This type of infidelity hurts too and is as painful as the wife falling in love with another man.
In fact, that is exactly what happens. **If you are in love with the idea of what he could be and not for who he is then you are in love indeed with another man.** Betrayal is one of the sharpest deep cutting knives in emotional behavior. Yet, this disconnecting pain is survivable if properly acknowledge. If he views you as the source of his pain then it is a normal reaction to resist and move away. Trust is your aid to bring him close again. He may not even know that the name of his pain is *betrayal*. He just knows he is painfully disconnected and is desperately trying to reconnect.
Approaching someone who is lonely can be an easy way to connect and to fulfill the man’s need of protector and hero. A woman in distress can create that connection of trust. He is not looking for a female relationship of someone who is domineering because he probably already has a mother. Be confident that you should not approve of his behavior toward this other woman.
But what you could do about this is validate the source of his pain and promise him it will not happen again. Ask him to *forgive* you if he feels you caused him any pain. You must genuinely convince him that you see him, you know him, you understand him and you will not hurt him again. Find good ways to submit or follow his lead in something he feels strongly about. It should be something that does no harm to yours or his dignity. You should not force him and he should not force you into submission. Yet, someone must follow and someone must lead in this dance of life, love and marriage. It is not important to be right it is important to be happy. This builds trust and promotes balance. |
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October 23, 2006, 7:39 am PDT
Quote From: anothertime First off let me say that I love my husband. I will admit that I am difficult and sometimes moody. Chronic depression contolled with medication. We will be seeing a relationship therapist on Monday because both of us ( I think) are interested in working this out. The first thing I will tell the therapist is that we can't communicate. The second, that we are not partners. He has always been the wiser, more stable, more responsible. I have become a child in this relationship. I want us to be a couple, in love, and together. He is threatened by my successes, recenrt new job, more money etc. I think he may feel threatened. Somebody out there please help. Opinions appreciated. Just wondering how your session with the therapist went. You seemed to have valid concerns. Were they addressed? Did you learn anything new that you can share with us? |
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October 23, 2006, 5:43 pm PDT
Quote From: dnolet Our Society and cultural frame of reference will guide and direct much of our behavior. In most of the world it guides the behavior of men to be dominant and lead the family. In todays world of highly commercialized technological communications our roles in the family have become confusing. Change is now so fast that the rules of conduct we were raised with are now different. Women have the freedom to exercise inalienable rights that once were oppressed. This is a very good thing to not be FORCED into to submission because that is called slavery. Freedom is a good thing. But with freedom comes the responsibility of balance.
In your situation it seems that you were the dominate figure in your family. This may be in conflict with his perceived role. Perhaps you find it difficult to trust anyone so you take power and control at times when maybe you should not. It does take trust to follow someone elses lead. Is it possible that your husband felt the pain of betrayal and infidelity from you also?
Once upon a time men were taught to be the family leader and to be prince and protector for his wife. Men have a vision or idea of what their role as husband is. If his vision of his role is attacked, criticized and ignored by his significant partner in marriage then to him it is a form of betrayal. This type of infidelity hurts too and is as painful as the wife falling in love with another man.
In fact, that is exactly what happens. **If you are in love with the idea of what he could be and not for who he is then you are in love indeed with another man.** Betrayal is one of the sharpest deep cutting knives in emotional behavior. Yet, this disconnecting pain is survivable if properly acknowledge. If he views you as the source of his pain then it is a normal reaction to resist and move away. Trust is your aid to bring him close again. He may not even know that the name of his pain is *betrayal*. He just knows he is painfully disconnected and is desperately trying to reconnect.
Approaching someone who is lonely can be an easy way to connect and to fulfill the mans need of protector and hero. A woman in distress can create that connection of trust. He is not looking for a female relationship of someone who is domineering because he probably already has a mother. Be confident that you should not approve of his behavior toward this other woman.
But what you could do about this is validate the source of his pain and promise him it will not happen again. Ask him to *forgive* you if he feels you caused him any pain. You must genuinely convince him that you see him, you know him, you understand him and you will not hurt him again. Find good ways to submit or follow his lead in something he feels strongly about. It should be something that does no harm to yours or his dignity. You should not force him and he should not force you into submission. Yet, someone must follow and someone must lead in this dance of life, love and marriage. It is not important to be right it is important to be happy. This builds trust and promotes balance. What you've said maybe of significant sense. Even though I've always wanted him to be the dominant figure in the family and feel being protected. But on the other hand I was much lacking of confidence that he could do the right things. He did want something differently and the result is more ended up with what I think it's right/better since I was more reasoning than he. He told me that he doesn't need a mother to tell him what he should do. All I thought was if you don't want to be treated like a son then be a man. I guess my logic wasn't wrong itself but it seems the other way in every other sense somehow. I normally say more good about the others than about him while he often says bad about the others. He even didn't say good about his friends and sometimes showed lacking of human sense towards to people in troubled realtionship and suffered. These made me thinking bad about him and that's why the only time he showed his caring didn't make me feel OK and I even told him if I feel him as a caring person as general, I wouldn't mind his goodness to anybody. He said in more than one occassion that he felt that I'm his cancer and I've never got it but somehow I got it from what you said. I guess if he could ever have a reason for what's going on is as what you said and he's just not able to bring it up clearly as you did. I did pursuade him not to do something because I think it's risky or not right. He did said something like it's all about me etc.. I couldn't agree because I've never just done anything because I like and only for me. I said that he's lucky as he still if not only knows what he wants while I can only think/do what is good for the family/kids and just know what I have to do. I've been only thinking what's good for family and the responsibilities, I forget to enjoy life in a lot of ways. You did make me understand him in a very different way and that might be something close to what is the truth of him. I had a lot of uncleared feelings/understandings about him. I was very much worried that he might be just a selfish shallow person. His family is very much dominated by his mother as his father never has a voice. She is very tough but very good to him. She suppressed the husband in everyway and she ignores it and only enjoy trips with the son rather than with the husband. He was very much a mother's boy and never can say no to her. That's why I had problems with his mother and it turned indeed with him. I've already felt that he's very much mother's boy in one hand and on the other hand he rebels her in a very strong way as he chose to leave home to a place furthest away and chose to be with the woman his mother was against. Now I feel kind of rebel/play back on me. He said that he feels that I look like his mother. I was confused the time as I know I can not just love my son for myself and I want my boys grow up respect woman rather than only thinking women are foxes and be careful not being used by them. I think woman generally deserves man's respect, caring and man should not be mean. He probably felt being supressed by me emotionally and he's lacking of conficdence that things can be changed. I don't know how to let him take the control and being an active family man rather than passively leaving things as it is and just react in bad manner. He doesn't want to sleep with me but only wants sex from me. He told me he doesn't want me whenever he feels I want to pursuade him. Maybe I should just leave him alone, no dealing, no talk. I've told him that I feel bad when he just wants to have sex with me and told him please try not to do it if he thinks he's lacking of feelings to me. I can only have sex with him when I feel good about him no matter it is true him or my image. When he rebels on this he even says that sex is the punishment to me. It's a very hard for me while easily feel his insensitivity to me and not respond to it. I know if I have faith in him and in this relationship in long term I should be patient and more tolerant than ever now. To react and tell him what i feel about him for his insensitivity is not going to help. I may also have to stop pursuade him to work it out sincerely with me because that may sounds controlling to him too. Am I right? |
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October 24, 2006, 6:12 am PDT
Quote From: kala02 What you've said maybe of significant sense. Even though I've always wanted him to be the dominant figure in the family and feel being protected. But on the other hand I was much lacking of confidence that he could do the right things. He did want something differently and the result is more ended up with what I think it's right/better since I was more reasoning than he. He told me that he doesn't need a mother to tell him what he should do. All I thought was if you don't want to be treated like a son then be a man. I guess my logic wasn't wrong itself but it seems the other way in every other sense somehow. I normally say more good about the others than about him while he often says bad about the others. He even didn't say good about his friends and sometimes showed lacking of human sense towards to people in troubled realtionship and suffered. These made me thinking bad about him and that's why the only time he showed his caring didn't make me feel OK and I even told him if I feel him as a caring person as general, I wouldn't mind his goodness to anybody. He said in more than one occassion that he felt that I'm his cancer and I've never got it but somehow I got it from what you said. I guess if he could ever have a reason for what's going on is as what you said and he's just not able to bring it up clearly as you did. I did pursuade him not to do something because I think it's risky or not right. He did said something like it's all about me etc.. I couldn't agree because I've never just done anything because I like and only for me. I said that he's lucky as he still if not only knows what he wants while I can only think/do what is good for the family/kids and just know what I have to do. I've been only thinking what's good for family and the responsibilities, I forget to enjoy life in a lot of ways. You did make me understand him in a very different way and that might be something close to what is the truth of him. I had a lot of uncleared feelings/understandings about him. I was very much worried that he might be just a selfish shallow person. His family is very much dominated by his mother as his father never has a voice. She is very tough but very good to him. She suppressed the husband in everyway and she ignores it and only enjoy trips with the son rather than with the husband. He was very much a mother's boy and never can say no to her. That's why I had problems with his mother and it turned indeed with him. I've already felt that he's very much mother's boy in one hand and on the other hand he rebels her in a very strong way as he chose to leave home to a place furthest away and chose to be with the woman his mother was against. Now I feel kind of rebel/play back on me. He said that he feels that I look like his mother. I was confused the time as I know I can not just love my son for myself and I want my boys grow up respect woman rather than only thinking women are foxes and be careful not being used by them. I think woman generally deserves man's respect, caring and man should not be mean. He probably felt being supressed by me emotionally and he's lacking of conficdence that things can be changed. I don't know how to let him take the control and being an active family man rather than passively leaving things as it is and just react in bad manner. He doesn't want to sleep with me but only wants sex from me. He told me he doesn't want me whenever he feels I want to pursuade him. Maybe I should just leave him alone, no dealing, no talk. I've told him that I feel bad when he just wants to have sex with me and told him please try not to do it if he thinks he's lacking of feelings to me. I can only have sex with him when I feel good about him no matter it is true him or my image. When he rebels on this he even says that sex is the punishment to me. It's a very hard for me while easily feel his insensitivity to me and not respond to it. I know if I have faith in him and in this relationship in long term I should be patient and more tolerant than ever now. To react and tell him what i feel about him for his insensitivity is not going to help. I may also have to stop pursuade him to work it out sincerely with me because that may sounds controlling to him too. Am I right? One of the reasons I feel true love in marriage is like dancing is that you can dance alone or with a partner. Family life gets a whole lot happier with a partner. You control how you dance while he controls how or if he dances with you. If it seems like I repeat myself from previous posts it’s because you probably need to hear it until you feel safe enough to do it and I am okay with that.
If you stop talking and negotiating then communicating with your partner stops. Eighty percent of communication is non-verbal and twenty percent is verbal talking. Eliminating talking is a failure to communicate. What you want is the 80/20 balance. Another way of saying it is are you dancing the talk? While trying to determine who leads and follows in this marital dance, you stepped on his toes and he got hurt. Now the reality of him considering another dance partner has stepped on your toes. So, your pain has got your attention focused on what matters most.
It appears you have a happy family vision of your future. Does your husband buy into it? What is his vision; do you buy into it? **The two must become one**. To restart and reignite your marriage that is the first step…together. Then the next step together is the plan to get there. What is your plan and does your husband buy into it? What is his plan and do you buy into it? This all takes careful consideration, communication and sometimes learning by trial and error. So, if controlling everything is not working for you then try something else. Do not be held captive by something that doesn’t work.
Some one once told me a story about how to capture wild monkeys in the jungles of South America. Take a hollow coconut with only a tiny little hole in it and tie it to a tree. Put food in it and eventually the monkey will squeeze its hand through the little hole and grab the food. But when he grips the food he makes a fist that is bigger than the small hole in the coconut shell. The strange thing about this is the monkey will not let go of the food. So, the trapper is able to walk right up to the monkey and capture it. Don’t know if it is true for monkeys but it sure is true for human behavior. Do not allow yourself to be captivated by the false thought that you can control someone else’s behavior. Your efforts are certain to fail. He is a mature adult that must be able to do something right.
You are a very intelligent and bright person so I would recommend two things for you. First, go to the self help section of the book store or on line and learn as much as you can about POWER and CONTROL in personal relationships. Or seek a professional marital relationship counselor for your self. This will give you the understanding of what and how to let go of the things that hold you captive in your relationships. Second, when you find what it is that you will let go of then open negotiations with your husband. Let him know that you will change yourself but he should agree to get a relationship education through counseling or self help books too. So, he can find safe constructive ways to validate his feelings and correct thoughts that may be holding him captive also.
For husband and wife to truly be partners it must be determined who is going to lead and who is going to follow on particular family issues. So, they can move as one confidently happy unit with their own unique expression of the rhythm of life. |
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October 24, 2006, 6:35 pm PDT
Quote From: dnolet One of the reasons I feel true love in marriage is like dancing is that you can dance alone or with a partner. Family life gets a whole lot happier with a partner. You control how you dance while he controls how or if he dances with you. If it seems like I repeat myself from previous posts its because you probably need to hear it until you feel safe enough to do it and I am okay with that.
If you stop talking and negotiating then communicating with your partner stops. Eighty percent of communication is non-verbal and twenty percent is verbal talking. Eliminating talking is a failure to communicate. What you want is the 80/20 balance. Another way of saying it is are you dancing the talk? While trying to determine who leads and follows in this marital dance, you stepped on his toes and he got hurt. Now the reality of him considering another dance partner has stepped on your toes. So, your pain has got your attention focused on what matters most.
It appears you have a happy family vision of your future. Does your husband buy into it? What is his vision; do you buy into it? **The two must become one**. To restart and reignite your marriage that is the first steptogether. Then the next step together is the plan to get there. What is your plan and does your husband buy into it? What is his plan and do you buy into it? This all takes careful consideration, communication and sometimes learning by trial and error. So, if controlling everything is not working for you then try something else. Do not be held captive by something that doesnt work.
Some one once told me a story about how to capture wild monkeys in the jungles of South America. Take a hollow coconut with only a tiny little hole in it and tie it to a tree. Put food in it and eventually the monkey will squeeze its hand through the little hole and grab the food. But when he grips the food he makes a fist that is bigger than the small hole in the coconut shell. The strange thing about this is the monkey will not let go of the food. So, the trapper is able to walk right up to the monkey and capture it. Dont know if it is true for monkeys but it sure is true for human behavior. Do not allow yourself to be captivated by the false thought that you can control someone elses behavior. Your efforts are certain to fail. He is a mature adult that must be able to do something right.
You are a very intelligent and bright person so I would recommend two things for you. First, go to the self help section of the book store or on line and learn as much as you can about POWER and CONTROL in personal relationships. Or seek a professional marital relationship counselor for your self. This will give you the understanding of what and how to let go of the things that hold you captive in your relationships. Second, when you find what it is that you will let go of then open negotiations with your husband. Let him know that you will change yourself but he should agree to get a relationship education through counseling or self help books too. So, he can find safe constructive ways to validate his feelings and correct thoughts that may be holding him captive also.
For husband and wife to truly be partners it must be determined who is going to lead and who is going to follow on particular family issues. So, they can move as one confidently happy unit with their own unique expression of the rhythm of life. What you said is always so much making sense! Even before reading the your above message, I've already come to a point as to give up, give up hope on him that he'll sincerely try to work out with me as it's good for the family and kids. He is a very different person now and at least for me he is not a good man if not too bad. I know it's hard for any decent and pride woman to continue staying with a man who can be so heartless even sometimes without hesitation. He's more likely as you said in very previous message that he might already made a decision and might divorced me emotionally. He told me to not have hope on him in this relationship and acturally he can be more damaging to me when he thinks that I have hope on him. More likely he chose to finish with me so to keep or open his feelings to existing/future woman. He decided not feel guilty but only blame me for it, as at first blamed me for being not good woman to him and made him easily have interests in others. When I'm becoming a better woman to him as more soft and having more and better sex with him, he still has his reasons as I can react strong to his bad manner. Now I decided to not react any more because I decided not to have expectations about him in any sense but just being good/nice to him no matter how bad I feel about him. I like Chirstian logic as to be good even to your enemy. Only if you can emotionally generous to anybody you're really nice for anybody and you'll have the most peaceful mind and strength for yourself. I was worried that someday I'll leave him because he's too bad to me and make me feel worthless and maybe that's what he wanted. I was even considering giving up this life since I do feel too much pain to bear and may not be able to cope. Now I think I can stay and I'll not coorperate with him to finish this relationship. He can choose whatever suits him but he has to finish it or start with another woman on HIS OWN. I mean I'll make sure when he chooses to do so, there'll be no excuse from him as I'm not good enough. I feel sick of people just simply walk away from a relationship when kids were involved without sincerely sort/work it out and excuse themself as the other one is not good enough. I DO NOT believe kids deserve to have to live in a destroyed single parent family and pay the price for somebody else's fault. If I don't fix the acusations he has against me for his breaking of this family I'll be also guilty to my kids. I have to choose not react to his insensitivity to me and at any time just be good to him and keep my hurtful feelings to myself or better ignore it and find peace of my own. At least the family can be intact and at least my kids can have a normal father in their life. I don't believe that any human being can endless harm his wife seeing she's just nice and peaceful to him no matter what. I'll not have any bitterness feelings any more if I choose to not expect good return for myself. I may look nuts but end of it is something opposite. He's so bad sometimes he even tell me why I don't ask what I can get before doing anything good so to avoid disappointment because he'll always ask for good returns before doing anyhing good for me. When I choose to save this marriage I choose to be good to him regardless how he treats me and I'll not throw myself to another man simply because that person may treat me better. I'll not please anybody including him but I'll be good. When he chose to stay in this marriage he required me to ignore his dealing with anybody or how he feels/loves any other woman because he'll surely always go for it no matter he gets it or just can only have it inside him. I felt disgusted before. But I decided to be OK with it as long as I'm not the reason for him to go for it and he can go as far as he wants on his own. I'll not have problems with the other woman because she can make him happy and do something for him while I can't. Now I understand the saying as backwards one step instead of insisting one inch forward you'll get a space as wide as ocean as enormous as sky. Now I understand that life is a choice, you can't control how the others to choose what's good for them but you can always choose what's good for yourself and for what's important for you. I don't have to love him or even like him to stay with him. My family'll be more likely to be saved and my kids'll be more likely deserve a normal family life when they're young and I believe they'll learn from the parents about life. Having a good mother can contribute a lot positive influence in building of themself. Even in the worst case as he still has to leave for himself. He has to be more convinced than ever since I'll not join him to be force in breaking this family and I'll not in any way his reason for doing so. I'll be proud of myself as I can generously give. My kids will be proud of his mother as she did whatever she can to provide a safe family for them without holding back a single bit effort for her own pride. I may never like him any more for myself but I can smile and be good to him as to a husband as to my kids' father. Being nice/soft to the person even not good to me is not a sign of weakness. When I feel I can be this way, I feel more power than before. So I guess my sadness will also be easied and gone. To work out and have a better life for this family he'll have all my support from heart to soul. But to break it he'll have to be completely on his own. I'll and I can't stop him but I can make sure I'll in no case join him in any way to break it. |
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October 25, 2006, 4:07 am PDT
Quote From: kala02 What you said is always so much making sense! Even before reading the your above message, I've already come to a point as to give up, give up hope on him that he'll sincerely try to work out with me as it's good for the family and kids. He is a very different person now and at least for me he is not a good man if not too bad. I know it's hard for any decent and pride woman to continue staying with a man who can be so heartless even sometimes without hesitation. He's more likely as you said in very previous message that he might already made a decision and might divorced me emotionally. He told me to not have hope on him in this relationship and acturally he can be more damaging to me when he thinks that I have hope on him. More likely he chose to finish with me so to keep or open his feelings to existing/future woman. He decided not feel guilty but only blame me for it, as at first blamed me for being not good woman to him and made him easily have interests in others. When I'm becoming a better woman to him as more soft and having more and better sex with him, he still has his reasons as I can react strong to his bad manner. Now I decided to not react any more because I decided not to have expectations about him in any sense but just being good/nice to him no matter how bad I feel about him. I like Chirstian logic as to be good even to your enemy. Only if you can emotionally generous to anybody you're really nice for anybody and you'll have the most peaceful mind and strength for yourself. I was worried that someday I'll leave him because he's too bad to me and make me feel worthless and maybe that's what he wanted. I was even considering giving up this life since I do feel too much pain to bear and may not be able to cope. Now I think I can stay and I'll not coorperate with him to finish this relationship. He can choose whatever suits him but he has to finish it or start with another woman on HIS OWN. I mean I'll make sure when he chooses to do so, there'll be no excuse from him as I'm not good enough. I feel sick of people just simply walk away from a relationship when kids were involved without sincerely sort/work it out and excuse themself as the other one is not good enough. I DO NOT believe kids deserve to have to live in a destroyed single parent family and pay the price for somebody else's fault. If I don't fix the acusations he has against me for his breaking of this family I'll be also guilty to my kids. I have to choose not react to his insensitivity to me and at any time just be good to him and keep my hurtful feelings to myself or better ignore it and find peace of my own. At least the family can be intact and at least my kids can have a normal father in their life. I don't believe that any human being can endless harm his wife seeing she's just nice and peaceful to him no matter what. I'll not have any bitterness feelings any more if I choose to not expect good return for myself. I may look nuts but end of it is something opposite. He's so bad sometimes he even tell me why I don't ask what I can get before doing anything good so to avoid disappointment because he'll always ask for good returns before doing anyhing good for me. When I choose to save this marriage I choose to be good to him regardless how he treats me and I'll not throw myself to another man simply because that person may treat me better. I'll not please anybody including him but I'll be good. When he chose to stay in this marriage he required me to ignore his dealing with anybody or how he feels/loves any other woman because he'll surely always go for it no matter he gets it or just can only have it inside him. I felt disgusted before. But I decided to be OK with it as long as I'm not the reason for him to go for it and he can go as far as he wants on his own. I'll not have problems with the other woman because she can make him happy and do something for him while I can't. Now I understand the saying as backwards one step instead of insisting one inch forward you'll get a space as wide as ocean as enormous as sky. Now I understand that life is a choice, you can't control how the others to choose what's good for them but you can always choose what's good for yourself and for what's important for you. I don't have to love him or even like him to stay with him. My family'll be more likely to be saved and my kids'll be more likely deserve a normal family life when they're young and I believe they'll learn from the parents about life. Having a good mother can contribute a lot positive influence in building of themself. Even in the worst case as he still has to leave for himself. He has to be more convinced than ever since I'll not join him to be force in breaking this family and I'll not in any way his reason for doing so. I'll be proud of myself as I can generously give. My kids will be proud of his mother as she did whatever she can to provide a safe family for them without holding back a single bit effort for her own pride. I may never like him any more for myself but I can smile and be good to him as to a husband as to my kids' father. Being nice/soft to the person even not good to me is not a sign of weakness. When I feel I can be this way, I feel more power than before. So I guess my sadness will also be easied and gone. To work out and have a better life for this family he'll have all my support from heart to soul. But to break it he'll have to be completely on his own. I'll and I can't stop him but I can make sure I'll in no case join him in any way to break it. You are correct; the kids are the real victims in this tragedy being played out. They see the failure and blame themselves. It doesn’t make sense to us because we know they are innocent. The failed relationship between you and your husband is certainly not their fault. But that is what kids do, blame themselves. It’s not their fault. I know you love them so I know you will teach them that *it is not their fault*. |
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October 25, 2006, 11:45 am PDT
Hi Everyone, This is my first message. I have alway read the messages but I have heard you releif some stress when writting or talking about your problems. I am 26yrs old and married for 7yrs now. The past couple years my husband and I have been working on our marriage but I cant seem to find the same Love I had for him when we first met. We always seem to get a long during the weekdays but here comes the weekend and we just fight. Friday's by the time I get home is what I consider drunk so I just get my kids and leave take them places becasue I refuse to be around him like that. Then when I get home I have to hear the whinning"why did you leave me hear". This has gone on for years. We make up he will do good for maybe the next weekend and again he decides to get drunk. I finally got tuff and told him it is either the alcohol or your family. My three kids adore him he is a great father but me and him as a married couple is just not working out. I have gone out with a few girlfriends and I like the not having to respond to anyone. I am at the point were I don't want to be married anymore. I am financially fit to take care of my kids but I just don't know what to do. I had even told him maybe we can just live together but do our own thing. I am very confused and I talk to him out of anger of all the things he has done I can't find the love I would like to have with him. Pls help with some suggestions!
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October 25, 2006, 4:54 pm PDT
Quote From: cmflores10 Hi Everyone, This is my first message. I have alway read the messages but I have heard you releif some stress when writting or talking about your problems. I am 26yrs old and married for 7yrs now. The past couple years my husband and I have been working on our marriage but I cant seem to find the same Love I had for him when we first met. We always seem to get a long during the weekdays but here comes the weekend and we just fight. Friday's by the time I get home is what I consider drunk so I just get my kids and leave take them places becasue I refuse to be around him like that. Then when I get home I have to hear the whinning"why did you leave me hear". This has gone on for years. We make up he will do good for maybe the next weekend and again he decides to get drunk. I finally got tuff and told him it is either the alcohol or your family. My three kids adore him he is a great father but me and him as a married couple is just not working out. I have gone out with a few girlfriends and I like the not having to respond to anyone. I am at the point were I don't want to be married anymore. I am financially fit to take care of my kids but I just don't know what to do. I had even told him maybe we can just live together but do our own thing. I am very confused and I talk to him out of anger of all the things he has done I can't find the love I would like to have with him. Pls help with some suggestions!
Hi CM...
Your situation is not unique... I don't think it is time to panick...yet.
I lived through much of what you wrote here in my first marriage. I remember telling my ex wife "I just don't want my entire life to be work/home...work/home...work/home...die. We lost our spark almost immediately.
In my second marriage, we are together ten years, and every day is better (and more passionate) than the last.
I know this couple...they are a lot of fun and they seem to have their "mojo" working...they are into their Harleys...whenever they can they ride, and they are really into that exhileration. I think having something like that ...that they can share helps them keep that spark...Now I am not saying that you and your huisband need to go oout and get Harleys, but whatever it is that the two of you can figure out to do together should be a good start. ...for instance,,,my wife and I share a love for classic soul and R&B music, and once a month in Manhattan we go to these dances...What could you guys do?...how about *anything* that you both like...whether its going to concerts, plays, bowling...
One of the things that we just love is *always* having something to look forward to on our calender...this way we cherish our time home alone together...what I think is happening now, is that you guys are in a rut, and you have become pre disposed to a boring weekend. You guys need to get your mojo working again...
Now keep in mind that I don't know either of you on a personal level, this is just an overview. For all I know youor best solution is the same as mione was "GET OUT OF THAT BAD MARRIAGE"...but if you are inclined to keep trying with your hubby...you have to get your buns moving too...you need to figure out a way to get this going...
Being independant is a wonderful quality...but when you are ina relationship...two independant people won't really work all that well...what you need is an *interdependance*, meaning that you rely on each other, and that the whole is greater than the sum of your parts...Like a game of doubles tennis...you and your husnad are playing, and it doesn't look like you'll go to your partners side of the court to help out. As a result, you are BOTH losing this game. I think it' might be early enough in the match to pull out a win. |
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October 27, 2006, 5:10 am PDT
Quote From: cmflores10 Hi Everyone, This is my first message. I have alway read the messages but I have heard you releif some stress when writting or talking about your problems. I am 26yrs old and married for 7yrs now. The past couple years my husband and I have been working on our marriage but I cant seem to find the same Love I had for him when we first met. We always seem to get a long during the weekdays but here comes the weekend and we just fight. Friday's by the time I get home is what I consider drunk so I just get my kids and leave take them places becasue I refuse to be around him like that. Then when I get home I have to hear the whinning"why did you leave me hear". This has gone on for years. We make up he will do good for maybe the next weekend and again he decides to get drunk. I finally got tuff and told him it is either the alcohol or your family. My three kids adore him he is a great father but me and him as a married couple is just not working out. I have gone out with a few girlfriends and I like the not having to respond to anyone. I am at the point were I don't want to be married anymore. I am financially fit to take care of my kids but I just don't know what to do. I had even told him maybe we can just live together but do our own thing. I am very confused and I talk to him out of anger of all the things he has done I can't find the love I would like to have with him. Pls help with some suggestions!
There are times our marital expectations for our spouse appear to have no hope of ever being realized. Sometimes we feel like taking matters into our own hands and try to force the spouse to fit into the shape of things we expect. We eventually learn that only creates more anger and resentment and then we surrender and say things like, *“I’m done”* and *“I give up”*.
Getting drunk on Friday nights is something we did as kids in High School. As a father of a family with children that is certainly NOT the example to set for his kids. What they see and we model as parents is what they WILL DO. So, I see your huge concern here.
The best situation for the kids is having a model of parenting where the two work out difficult issues like this. In other words, for the kids, sake mommy and daddy need to stay together and play together. Your husband does need to put childish things away like drinking on Friday night for the fun of it and start engaging in different fun activities with you and the kids. If he wants to do the High School thing on Friday night then remind him on **Thursday** that you and the kids are going places to do things and you want him to drive you all to these places. It is an absolute must he be sober when driving. Then on Friday if he chooses to drink then **he chose** to exclude himself and you’re not the bad guy for excluding him. I’m betting he really wants to be part of it and eventually will behave his way to have fun with the family cause he loves you all. You are not giving him ultimatums only a set of rules set forth by our Government that you...don’t drink and drive.
I have always believed that my wife and kids have made me a better person. Not because they handed me expectations with ultimatums because they showed me what makes them happy and let me know when my behavior hurts them. **Because I love them** I do not want to hurt them. So, if I clearly understand that my behavior causes or could cause pain to my loved ones that makes me unhappy. Since I’m in full control of my behavior I have the power to change it. You can make plans for Friday night with or with out the kids and let your husband be the designated sober driver. So, the key here is engage in activities with your husband that will have you looking at his best attributes. Plan ahead and stick to the plan. |
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