Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

The post you responded to is ridiculous because it supposes that weight gain is a reflection on how one feels about their spouse..that's just B.S....I have gained weight, a lot of weight, I'm not so pretty anymore, but I feel that I love my husband more now and I feel that he loves me more now. My weight gain had to do with clinical depression I suffer from, not how I feel about him.

In my experience, my spouse will love me no matter how I look.  He should want me and desire me no matter what changes my appearance and my body go through over time. 

 

I feel all he expects of me is to do the best with what I have, take care of myself to perserve my health, love him with every ounce of my strength and be understanding of him.  If your spouse is not meeting your expectations sexually, I think you will find it often goes much deeper than your appearance. 

 

I completely agree with you Penny.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who's not married to a shallow jerk..it makes me so sad...and then mostly angry that women give these men sex.

 I take exception to your views, Penny.  A great deal of the lack of sex in my marriage is due to my wife's "letting herself go" and her current physical appearance. I have tried 9 ways 'til Sunday to get past the issue, but it has become the core of our problem and she WON'T do anything about it.

 

  To give you a little background: We have been together 23+ years (married the last 13+) are both full time working professionals and have no children.

 

  Our sex life has diminished as her weight increased, and it has not been for my lack of availability or willingness. She has sought medical help on the problem (Thyroid irradiation, gall bladder surgery) and experienced temporary weight loss from both  but always put what she lost back on and a little more to boot.

  2 years ago I had a vasectomy to eliminate birth control pills as a reason for the excess weight and she still added a few more pounds as a result.

 

  From a male standpoint, I'm very tired of living with a "Maltese Wife" (Read Dashell Hammet or watch the Bogart movie if you can't grasp the metaphor)...She was as light as 127lbs when we were in college but pushes 200lbs now.

 

  I have never stopped loving the woman inside, but I'm not too pleased with the one she shows the world (me included) and this has a negative effect on the quality of our lives.  

 

  BTW, I still fit into the same size Levis I wore while in college (30x34)...I'm 6' and 155lbs.   

 

  Care to comment?

We had the best Christmas ever, well we always have great Christmas', we are always together for the holidays, be it with a web cam and a big party when my oldest is far away.   This year was particular, my husband surprised me dearly this Christmas.  Let me start at the beggining, well not that far but 29 years ago, my then 2 year old son tossed by wedding rings in the toaster along with a thermometer and its case and chocolate and turned on the toaster melting everything in it.  I haven't had a wedding ring (set) since and never saw the need to have one since I'm not really in to jewellery.  We have an exchange of gifts and this year my husband pulled out my name.  Imagine the surprise to have my husband go down on one knee and open a tiny box to show me the wedding band set.  I just started crying and shaking, what a thoughtful thing to do.  He said that he always said that before I turned 50 he wanted to get me a set.  Gosh that was cutting it close, I'll be 50 in early February.  I was so emotional that he never was able to say what he wanted  to say while presenting me with the rings.  So my thought is, prepare a nice romantic dinner and ask him at that time how he wanted to really do it and start over just the two of us (hihihi), ending the evening with a bang....lol!!!  I always said that the rings were not important, which is true, but gosh, just the fact that my baby even thought of something like that was just enough to make me cry.

Realize that a woman finds a mans prodding to lose weight distressing, and if she's a girl who seeks food for comfort - she's going to wallow about her unattractiveness into a pint of  benny and jerry's.  The more confident she feels in her skin the more she'll want to take care of the body within.   You shouldn't be pushing for a number on a scale but rather an internal health balance. I suggest simply getting out of the house more together - take up something seemingly harmless like rollerblading, ice skating... the more she uses her body the more she'll feel inclined to use it.

Kids or no kids, a womans hips spread with the expectancy that she will have them, and as menopause approaches her metabolism will take yet another nose dive. Aging alone is distressing for women since most of us wrap a whole lot of our self-worth in our bodies. Some times people in relationships gain weight because they get too comfortable and lazy, some use their bodies as an outlet for pushing their mate and ensuring that they will stand by them no matter what. These are potential issues to consider.

 For guys body maintainance is slightly easier with only one real metabolism crash.  You are typically raised and trained through your life education to know how to work out. Women aren't given that education so we often can feel inept, and worry about being the center of attention as the local fool at the gym etc. This leads to social anxieties that can wind up inhibiting a woman from doing what is necessary for her body.

Your last statement sounds far too competative... as though you are challenging not just your wife, but anyone to question you.  Just because you aren't asking for something you don't offer doesn't mean that you can't be overly critical, unsupportive in a healthy manner to her, or, in short... a jerk.  Don't view this as a competition, men against women, my wants verses your life style etc. That attitude just sends all the wrong messages even when well intended.

BTW, good for you for still fitting into the same denim pants you did 25 years ago.

Do you actually care about your wife's weight and how it effects HER or just you? 

If you are willing to have sex with her then I am obviously NOT talking about you am I? I'm talking about men who are so shallow they can't bring themselves to have sex with their big fat ugly wives.

"From a male standpoint, I'm very tired of living with a "Maltese Wife" (Read Dashell Hammet or watch the Bogart movie if you can't grasp the metaphor)"

How about making yourself clear instead of using pop culture references as if I know what this means. I'm sure I could 'grasp' it if you took the time to explain it. Geeze.

" I have never stopped loving the woman inside, but I'm not too pleased with the one she shows the world (me included) and this has a negative effect on the quality of our lives"

And I bet she's THRILLED about it herself...If you don't want to be married to her..leave her. If you LIKE to have sex with her despite her weight then I really don't know how this is relevant to what I said.

But your wife is in some kind of pain if she's over weight. Women do not WANT to be fat. It's humiliating, it reverts you to a second class citizen and you then have to worry about you husband turning on you...it's not something a woman wants.  If she's over weight she has a problem, probably an emotional problem. Your tone here makes me wonder if you are a supporter of her or an enemy of her.

 In answer(s):

'Do you actually care about your wife's weight and how it affects HER or just you? '

 

  Both, actually. I have gained a measure of stature in certain circles over the last few years that she has been asked to accompany me to, but has declined (which requires me to decline) attending due to her appearance.

 

'If you are willing to have sex with her then I am obviously NOT talking about you am I? I'm talking about men who are so shallow they can't bring themselves to have sex with their big fat ugly wives.'

 

  You completely miss the point here. Being willing to make love to my wife and being successful at it are two different things. The fact that males are a visually motivated species is hereditary all the way to the DNA, lady. At that, sex is only satisfiying when i'm either a) under the influence, or b) in total darkness with her, and even then if the tactile   sensation triggers that part of my brain, I lose the feeling no matter what my emotions tell me. We may give it a go a dozen times a year, but it's only satisfiying for me about 25% of the time (and BTW, my wife is NOT ugly!). Needless to say, no matter how willing I may be, it's not easy for me to get past my kenesthetic objections.

 

 As to my reference to the 'Maltese Wife', that is the most creative metaphor I can think of to describe the situation. Much like the story of the Maltese Falcon, my wife is a dazzling, bejeweled, magnificent example of female beauty that has been encased in a 2 inch covering to obscure said beauty from the world. Where the Falcon was encased in lead, my wife is similarly clad in subcutaneous fat.   Do you get it now?? 

 

  'And I bet she's THRILLED about it herself...If you don't want to be married to her..leave her. If you LIKE to have sex with her despite her weight then I really don't know how this is relevant to what I said.'

 

  That is the point... I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER DUE TO HER WEIGHT but I also understand that it is out of my control when it comes to dealing with the problem. I can not change what and how she is...SHE is in control of that, and it is up to her to make the decision to do something about it. I know this won't happen unless it's something she wants and all the love and support I can give her hasn't been enough for her to want it.

   My point is that YOU HAVE NO CLUE what men like me go through in a relationship like this!

 

'But your wife is in some kind of pain if she's over weight. Women do not WANT to be fat. It's humiliating, it reverts you to a second class citizen and you then have to worry about you husband turning on you...it's not something a woman wants.'

 

  Again, you speculate, but provide no evidence to support your claim.  I have been told by our marriage counselor (in private) that, in his view, 'I was dealing with damaged goods from the start, and that I had to undo many things that happened 'pre-me' in order to set things right'. I never signed on for that, but I have been working on it for 18 years and it's still an uphill battle.

  I have been very supportive and have changed my approach many times over those years, but I can't help her if she continually gives up on herself along the way.

  Have you also figured out that her lack of fortitude in trying to conquer this obstacle has given her a sense of security (as it may have given you) that in being a 'second class citizen' (your words, not mine) people don't expect as much out of her, and in that case her personal and professional life can be that much easier??

  I maintain that if, as you say, ' it's not something a woman wants'...  HOW BAD DOES SHE WANT IT?

  Anyone with half a brain knows that how much you want something directly affects the dedication one puts in to achieveing the goal, and a person's intensity factor can only be truly motivated from within.  I have been extremely supportive towards her efforts no matter what results have come of them, but that matters very little when she gives up on her own efforts.  

 

     ' Your tone here makes me wonder if you are a supporter of her or an enemy of her.'

 

  After all I've been through, I sometimes wonder about that myself. I grew up in a competitive environment, and was the best athlete of all my siblings. I used natural ability to play competitve soccer all the way to division 2 NCAA level (all the while being told I was too slow afoot and too injury prone to be a star), so I know a bit about the 4 'D's...Drive, Desire, Dedication, and Determination. I suffered debilitating injuries to both knees, several broken bones, sprains, strains, and bled more in a season than many do in a lifetime.

  I was always taught that if you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen (or at least put yourself in a position to make it happen).

  Hundreds of people quit on me along the way, but I never quit on myself.  My wife was allowed to quit on anything anytime by her parents, and I find that to be the biggest obstacle in her success.

  At that, I've been here 23+ years, and I haven't thrown in the towel yet!

 

 'But your wife is in some kind of pain if she's over weight.'

 

  How about the pain I feel from all of my wants and desires falling by the wayside??

   Does that jar a few synapses, lady?

   Look inside yourself and tell me you are doing all you can about the condition before you condemn me for MY feelings on the situation, OK?

 

    Peace,

 

      manic  

 

 

 I'll address this point by point, also.

 

 "Realize that a woman finds a mans prodding to lose weight distressing, and if she's a girl who seeks food for comfort - she's going to wallow about her unattractiveness into a pint of  benny and jerry's.  The more confident she feels in her skin the more she'll want to take care of the body within.  You shouldn't be pushing for a number on a scale but rather an internal health balance. I suggest simply getting out of the house more together - take up something seemingly harmless like rollerblading, ice skating... the more she uses her body the more she'll feel inclined to use it."

 

  I gave up prodding about it years ago. My wife is a fantastic cook and loves to eat but  (does very little about "paying the bill on the eating" ,ergo) she is not very active.  For example, she took a fencing class a few years ago (she loves the art of swordplay and wants to learn it and be good at it), but continually returned home after classes winded saying "I just can't do it" repeatedly. I offered to help her train for the task, and she declined.

  Ice cream is a rarity in this house, and I keep available empty carbs to a minimum (if she's eating them, it's when I'm not around) in the house.

  If she needs to feel confident in her skin, she has WAAAY to much skin for that now! (j/k) I gave up pushing for a number on a scale years ago (she hasn't stepped on one in my presence in over 15 years) and I have been trying to help her find that healthy balance for years.

  The problem with both of us getting out to do something is that I am athletically gifted and she feels herself to be a klutz, so walking is the best she can muster and that bores me to tears. I suggested bicycling (she bought a classic Schwinn several years ago and I refurbished it for her) but she has no confidence in her abilities and won't even ride it.

  The problem there is that she WON'T use her body around me because she is intimidated.

 

 "Kids or no kids, a womans hips spread with the expectancy that she will have them, and as menopause approaches her metabolism will take yet another nose dive. Aging alone is distressing for women since most of us wrap a whole lot of our self-worth in our bodies. Some times people in relationships gain weight because they get too comfortable and lazy, some use their bodies as an outlet for pushing their mate and ensuring that they will stand by them no matter what. These are potential issues to consider"

 

  The physical spreading of the hips is not a problem (I LOVE her hips!!), it's what she has packed on over them that is the problem. IMHO, if her self-image were all that were wrapped around her body, I would have little problem with it (j/k).

  "Some times people in relationships gain weight because they get too comfortable and lazy"

  DING, DING, DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!

  If she is pushing me with her body, the only way she is pushing me is OUT THE DOOR!

 

  "For guys body maintainance is slightly easier with only one real metabolism crash.  You are typically raised and trained through your life education to know how to work out. Women aren't given that education so we often can feel inept, and worry about being the center of attention as the local fool at the gym etc. This leads to social anxieties that can wind up inhibiting a woman from doing what is necessary for her body"

 

  I will agree with you there. I am a small guy in a physically demanding line of work, and was a competitive athlete for a good portion of my life, so staying fit is not a problem for me.

  She also played competitive Volleyball and has taken aerobics and dance classes in the past so she does know how to train. The only social anxeities that would come from her going to a gym would be from other people seeing how far she has fallen. Yet another place I can't help her.

 

 " Your last statement sounds far too competitive... as though you are challenging not just your wife, but anyone to question you.  Just because you aren't asking for something you don't offer doesn't mean that you can't be overly critical, unsupportive in a healthy manner to her, or, in short... a jerk.  Don't view this as a competition, men against women, my wants verses your life style etc. That attitude just sends all the wrong messages even when well intended"

 

  Do I sound competitive? Gee, I wonder where that came from?!?  ;)  Read the previous reply and figure out why I'm competitive. I have never quit working on myself to make sure I am good enough for her, why is it so bad for me to ask for a similar level of commitment from her?  Relationships are supposed to be a partnership, right? How would you feel if your partner became complacent and expected you to ask less than you needed from them?

  I never have asked more from her than she can give at any given time, rather I have asked for her to give what she had to give whether it be 30% of what she has or 100% of what she is (just don't leave anything on the table). It is unreasonable for me to ask for 100% if she is at 50% for the day, just don't patronize me by giving less than you have to give while calling it your best.

  If your partner "emptys the tank" for you, shouldn't you do the same?  To do less is just downright disrespectful (and you are asking me to respect her for what she is, correct?).

 

  I anticipate your response with baited breath,. and thank you for your candor.

 

   manic    

 

"The fact that males are a visually motivated species is hereditary all the way to the DNA, lady."

Well that's bull crap...not all men are that way, and not all men find looks paramount...lady. (You call me "lady" I'll call you it back ok?)

"At that, sex is only satisfiying when i'm either a) under the influence, or b) in total darkness with her, and even then if the tactile   sensation triggers that part of my brain, I lose the feeling no matter what my emotions tell me. We may give it a go a dozen times a year, but it's only satisfiying for me about 25% of the time (and BTW, my wife is NOT ugly!). Needless to say, no matter how willing I may be, it's not easy for me to get past my kenesthetic objections."

Sounds like this is your problem, not hers.

" As to my reference to the "Maltese Wife", that is the most creative metaphor I can think of to describe the situation. Much like the story of the Maltese Falcon, my wife is a dazzling, bejeweled, magnificent example of female beauty that has been encased in a 2 inch covering to obscure said beauty from the world. Where the Falcon was encased in lead, my wife is similarly clad in subcutaneous fat.   Do you get it now?? "

Now that you took the time to RUDELY explain it to me I get it. I never didn't "get it"...I don't have every pop culture reference memorized..do you?  I have never heard of the "maltese falcon" thank you very much.

Maybe your wife is obscuring her beauty for a reason. Sometimes it's easier to be fat and yes...UGLY because to much of the world fat IS ugly.  Sometimes it's easier to be ignored and invisible, fat makes you both of those things.

"SHE is in control of that,"

Or so you assume.

"My point is that YOU HAVE NO CLUE what men like me go through in a relationship like this!"

Just as you have no clue what SHE is going through in a relationship like yours.

"I never signed on for that, "

You didn't? You really thought when you got married you had this 127 lbs pristine woman?

"Have you also figured out that her lack of fortitude in trying to conquer this obstacle has given her a sense of security (as it may have given you) that in being a "second class citizen" (your words, not mine) people don't expect as much out of her, and in that case her personal and professional life can be that much easier??"

Yes and I feel for her, she has lowered herself because of how little she values herself. I understand her.

" After all I've been through, I sometimes wonder about that myself. I grew up in a competitive environment, and was the best athlete of all my siblings. I used natural ability to play competitve soccer all the way to division 2 NCAA level (all the while being told I was too slow afoot and too injury prone to be a star), so I know a bit about the 4 "D"s...Drive, Desire, Dedication, and Determination. I suffered debilitating injuries to both knees, several broken bones, sprains, strains, and bled more in a season than many do in a lifetime.

  I was always taught that if you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen (or at least put yourself in a position to make it happen).  

  Hundreds of people quit on me along the way, but I never quit on myself.  My wife was allowed to quit on anything anytime by her parents, and I find that to be the biggest obstacle in her success." 

This is all you, this isn't your wife. Your wife, for whatever reason, isn't like you in this way.  You are right, this is something that may have started in childhood. Maybe she needs to find a husband who is more understanding of all the burdens she carries and is understanding of the mask she chooses to wear.

"How about the pain I feel from all of my wants and desires falling by the wayside??

   Does that jar a few synapses, lady?  

   Look inside yourself and tell me you are doing all you can about the condition before you condemn me for MY feelings on the situation, OK?" 

 

Please stop calling me "lady"..are you this disrespectful to your wife? Geeze...I think your pain about your orgasm DOES fall to the wayside in comparison to what your wife is going through. She's fat, she obviously has childhood issues and on top of it she has a husband, who has "stature in certain circles" and "was the best athlete of all my siblings", who hounds her about her weight.
 

Maybe she doesn't want to lose weight because if she does you'll be all over her.