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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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October 7, 2006, 6:22 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: katiep

My husband of 1 year, well we have been living together for 2 years but married in June of last year.  Moving forward...when we were dating and then when I moved in with him, everything was great, sex, conversation, everything.  Then about 3 months ago, things started to change.  He blames it on his medication, however he has been on the meds for about 6 months, so for four months our sex life was still great, meaning it was very regular 2-3 times a week.  Now it is barely 3 times a month.  I think that maybe I want it too much, but my desire for sex has not changed, it is his that has changed and I don't know why.  I have not gained weight, nothing has changed, that I see.  I love my husband so much and I give him all of the attention in the world.  We hold hands, we kiss, we tell each other "I love you" hourly.  It is just our sex life that is lacking.  I feel like it is me, because he will say things like "look at the butt on her", or just today, I asked what he wanted for his birthday and he said a threesome, he knows that things like that make me upset and he does it on purpose, because he will say, I was just joking or I wanted to make you mad...but could their be some truth to this, could it be that he wants someone else or something else in our marriage. Porn is no longer an issue, we had that talk when I first moved in and he doesn't look at any longer...that I know of.  About 2 weeks ago, I used his cell phone and there was a picture of an half naked women on it, it was a downloaded picture (not one that he had taken) and I told him that it made me feel insecure, and like he wanted someone else so he, took it off.  Should I have done that, did I force something that I shouldn't have?

 

 How do I go about getting the sex life back that we had?  Could it be that I am reading to much into this and it is nothing?  Maybe it is the age difference, maybe I expect to much from him, he is 38 and I am 24.  I love him so much and I would never do anything to push him away and I am so scared that if I keep wanting sex and asking him or initiating it, then I will push him away and he will get to the point where we are never intimate at all. Please give me any advice that you might have.

 

Thanks so much

Hi Katie,

 

You are going to get many different perspectives here. Mine is just one of them. Take in as much information as you can, and make the best decision for YOU.

 

First off, you are NOT wrong for wanting sex, as far as my wife and I are concerned, there is NO SUCH THING as a married couple having too much sex. Your drives are not to be dismissed, and you should NEVER feel guilty for having them, although many would try to make you feel ashamed for daring to want to orgasm a couple fo times a week.

 

I am not the first genius to figure out that as time goes on, in the vast majority of traditional marriages, sexx occurs less and less, and becomes boring. In your case it seems to have happened waaaaay to early, not that this is ever aceptable.

 

*Now*...I feel that the reason this often happens are the unrealistic parameters wil impose on each other. A downloaded picture of a half naked girl makes you insecure? All that will do is make him look behind your back. Don't make him wrong for his feelings either. Just because a guy likes to look doesn't mean that he is being unfaithful. You could be the hottest little tamale on the face of the earth, and your husband will still acknowledge the female form. Don't bind his mojo. It will make him feel that he can't confide in you. Many successful couples share fantasies and desires with one another. Read this month's Cosmo, there is a great article in it about mariatl sex.

 

Your husband is 38, and he doesn't want to wind up like most married men do. Middle aged and sexually frustrated. This isn't about YOU, its about human nature and the way we are wired. If you want to operate from the premise that ALL he should ever look at is you, and that you and you alone are all he should ever desire, and any variation from that is a betrayal of your marriage, I feel that is the path to him having an affair, or sneaking in porn wherever he can, or even flirting with the girl at Starbucks. It will make him act differently when you are NOT there than when you ARE there...

 

Talk OPENLY about sex, and don't be offended at everything he says. he should do the same for you...Don;t judge each other...If not you are headed for Vanilla hell;..

 

hey,,,just my opinion

 
October 7, 2006, 7:19 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: richard_woods

Hi Katie,

 

You are going to get many different perspectives here. Mine is just one of them. Take in as much information as you can, and make the best decision for YOU.

 

First off, you are NOT wrong for wanting sex, as far as my wife and I are concerned, there is NO SUCH THING as a married couple having too much sex. Your drives are not to be dismissed, and you should NEVER feel guilty for having them, although many would try to make you feel ashamed for daring to want to orgasm a couple fo times a week.

 

I am not the first genius to figure out that as time goes on, in the vast majority of traditional marriages, sexx occurs less and less, and becomes boring. In your case it seems to have happened waaaaay to early, not that this is ever aceptable.

 

*Now*...I feel that the reason this often happens are the unrealistic parameters wil impose on each other. A downloaded picture of a half naked girl makes you insecure? All that will do is make him look behind your back. Don't make him wrong for his feelings either. Just because a guy likes to look doesn't mean that he is being unfaithful. You could be the hottest little tamale on the face of the earth, and your husband will still acknowledge the female form. Don't bind his mojo. It will make him feel that he can't confide in you. Many successful couples share fantasies and desires with one another. Read this month's Cosmo, there is a great article in it about mariatl sex.

 

Your husband is 38, and he doesn't want to wind up like most married men do. Middle aged and sexually frustrated. This isn't about YOU, its about human nature and the way we are wired. If you want to operate from the premise that ALL he should ever look at is you, and that you and you alone are all he should ever desire, and any variation from that is a betrayal of your marriage, I feel that is the path to him having an affair, or sneaking in porn wherever he can, or even flirting with the girl at Starbucks. It will make him act differently when you are NOT there than when you ARE there...

 

Talk OPENLY about sex, and don't be offended at everything he says. he should do the same for you...Don;t judge each other...If not you are headed for Vanilla hell;..

 

hey,,,just my opinion

Hi, I am new here...so I am not sure where to start. I feel the exact way Katie feels.  Except I have been married for 7 years, we have no kids together, I have 2 from a previous marriage, they are 13 & 17.  We used to have great sex when we were dating and even when we got married, but up until about 6 months ago he started to change. I don't work, I am disabled due to a back injury so I have to stay at home all of the time, which makes it worse because I think of him all of the time. He just shows no interest in me at all anymore. I haven't put any weight on lately, changed anything on me anywhere! He hardly even touches me. The only thing I get is a small peck on the cheek in the morning telling me goodbye when he goes to work.  He does tell me he loves me all of the time and I believe him. The weird thing about our relationship is that he is always wanting to hang out with this one guy he works with. At least 3 to 5 times a week they either go to the bar or drive around the town together or find something to do together. It's not like they are teenagers anymore, my husband is 36 years old. I have always had this gut  feeling that he could be bisexual and I have asked him but he says no. Does anyone think I am out of line here? I just really think it is odd that my husband won't touch me or even hang out with me on his days off, and he wants to spend all of his time with this other guy. Any ideas out there? I ask him all of the time why he doesn't want to have sex with me or even just cuddle with me, but his answers are always, I am too tired.....I feel like I am not asking too much from him, I would just like a little bit of attention, a hug a day would be great!  Thanks for listening:)
 
October 9, 2006, 9:28 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: richard_woods

Hi Katie,

 

You are going to get many different perspectives here. Mine is just one of them. Take in as much information as you can, and make the best decision for YOU.

 

First off, you are NOT wrong for wanting sex, as far as my wife and I are concerned, there is NO SUCH THING as a married couple having too much sex. Your drives are not to be dismissed, and you should NEVER feel guilty for having them, although many would try to make you feel ashamed for daring to want to orgasm a couple fo times a week.

 

I am not the first genius to figure out that as time goes on, in the vast majority of traditional marriages, sexx occurs less and less, and becomes boring. In your case it seems to have happened waaaaay to early, not that this is ever aceptable.

 

*Now*...I feel that the reason this often happens are the unrealistic parameters wil impose on each other. A downloaded picture of a half naked girl makes you insecure? All that will do is make him look behind your back. Don't make him wrong for his feelings either. Just because a guy likes to look doesn't mean that he is being unfaithful. You could be the hottest little tamale on the face of the earth, and your husband will still acknowledge the female form. Don't bind his mojo. It will make him feel that he can't confide in you. Many successful couples share fantasies and desires with one another. Read this month's Cosmo, there is a great article in it about mariatl sex.

 

Your husband is 38, and he doesn't want to wind up like most married men do. Middle aged and sexually frustrated. This isn't about YOU, its about human nature and the way we are wired. If you want to operate from the premise that ALL he should ever look at is you, and that you and you alone are all he should ever desire, and any variation from that is a betrayal of your marriage, I feel that is the path to him having an affair, or sneaking in porn wherever he can, or even flirting with the girl at Starbucks. It will make him act differently when you are NOT there than when you ARE there...

 

Talk OPENLY about sex, and don't be offended at everything he says. he should do the same for you...Don;t judge each other...If not you are headed for Vanilla hell;..

 

hey,,,just my opinion

Hey Richard,

 

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

 

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

 

Thank you,

 

Katie

 

 

 

 
October 9, 2006, 12:46 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: katiep

Hey Richard,

 

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

 

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

 

Thank you,

 

Katie

 

 

 

Another opinion for you.  I agree with Richard and I like his comments.  If you think you need to change, then change.  But, you should negotiate something with him while doing this.  You should not give up your side completely.  I think that saying things to intentionally upset you is disrespectful, IF it truely bothers you.  If you are willing to lay off on being upset about things so much, then he should be willing to stop with the comments as an agreement.  Negotiation only works if you both hold up your side of the bargain though, so stick to it and he should also.

 

You may need to make things alittle more interesting.  The lack of drive on one part or the other may be because of the mundane.  He may be dropping hints of that in his sarcastic comments, but does not realize that there is a better way to get his point across.  Ask him what you can do to make things interesting, or what ideas he may have.  Of course, this should probably come after the negotiating. otherwise, we can see what kind of answer you will get without asking.

 

I like hearing that you kiss, hold hands, etc...  The passion seems to be there.  Is your sex drive possibly more than his?  Passion alone may be satisfying to him and the rest is just sexual frustration on your part.

 

The last thing I can tell you, is maybe you just need to feel better about yourself.  Does he compliment you?  Do you compliment him?  Do you tell him "thank you" for doing something for you?  Does he tell you?  That goes a long way in a person's self-worth and in how we feel about our partner.  You have passion, now add communication, which will turn into appreciation, which will turn into more passion, then add interest or alittle change, and you are back to it all being new again and fun.

 

Good luck,  Scott

 
October 9, 2006, 4:13 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: katiep

Hey Richard,

 

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

 

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

 

Thank you,

 

Katie

 

 

 

Hi Katie,

 

First off, thank you for taking my comments in the spirit of how they were meant. The one thing I wanted to add, and I think that Scott was alluding to this as well...Never apologize for your feelings. Do your best to understand them, and where they come from, but you are every bit entittled to your emotions.

 

Just remember that honesty is the path to *real* communication. You and your hubby still sound like you can get to where you need to be. Best of luck kiddo.

 

 

 
October 9, 2006, 4:26 pm CDT

Stick to your moral compass Katie

Quote From: katiep

Hey Richard,

 

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

 

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

 

Thank you,

 

Katie

 

 

 

I made a comment once about how fine a female’s butt and Boob’s looked. 

 

As a young man I would do it a lot around my buddies.  When I got married I figured there’s nothing wrong with being honest with my thoughts and appreciate some eye candy, when I see it. So, I’d say things (not profane things) but point out things just like Katie’s Hubby except it didn’t matter to me who was with me because I’m an honest and open person.  In my opinion, Katie’s Hubby wasn’t being as honest and open. If he were he’d be bragging about it with his aunt and mother too.  My wife, who is my buddy also, said the same thing to me back then, **that it makes her feel uncomfortable**.  Probably for the same reason Katie is wrestling with it now.

 

Well, the last time I did it was in ear shot of my daughter when she was six years old.  God bless her!  She said “I think I made my mind up daddy, you’re a slob”. 

Wow…that got my attention!!  What will it take to get yours?  

 

There’s no way that making comments or having images that clearly promote degrading attitudes can be okay if it offends the ones you love.  So, for me I wouldn’t offer a degrading tattoo, cell phone pic or comment if it does harm to my integrity and the ones I love.  If someone else chooses to do it knowing how it can negatively affect their loved ones then there are other issues deeper than eye candy.  Is he just being playful with you cause your his buddy or is he grooming you for a threesome?  Is he struggling with ideas of buddy vs.wife?  Is manipulation and exercise in trust? When and where do you set boundaries on unacceptable behavior?  Answers can only come from you and him being open and honest.

 

Here’s the thing,…we all know that divorce rates are horrendous in our society.  Why? Because the young men and women come together with conflicting ideas about what marriage is.  Life will eventually test every one of those ideas.  The couples that survive and develop healthy happy relationships have found a moral compass of decency which enables respect, trust and intimacy to grow.  If the two of you made a life time commitment what happens to your sex life when you both are old and grey?  I can assure you that if he explores intimacy with you then sex is not a problem for the willing and able of any age.

 

You’re still newly weds and are learning how to combine wife, buddy, intimacy and sex all into one relationship and it can be a challenging but rewarding journey. 

 

Stick to your moral compass Katie and give him a safe place where he can find his too.  You’ll be okay.

 
October 10, 2006, 1:08 am CDT

anniversary disappointment

For the past month, my husband has been really busy; working full-time plus another 10 hours or so working on a business he's starting out with a friend.  So, I've been trying to be understanding and have taken on pretty much all of the housework on my own.  Even when I came down with a bad cold last week (I still have the cold), I still did the housework and cooking. 

So, when our 10-year dating anniversary came around a few days ago, I was kind of disappointed when all he did was give me a card.  I just wish he'd have taken 5 minutes to feel some sympathy for my illness and appreciate that I picked up all his share of the housework.  I just want him to put a little thought into a gift--a little bunch of carnations for my new vase, or some videos and chicken noodle soup to snuggle together with ... something that shows he noticed and appreciated and thought about me during the past month.

 ... I gave him a card, the Star Wars trilogy (nostalgic gift from our pre-dating days), a key wallet (he mentioned wanting to try one instead of the usual key ring), and a fancy shave gel (shaving product is his latest obsession).  It's 10 years!  It's a big deal to me :(

I know it's not right to compare. 
I know he's been much busier than I have been recently. 
I know that our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up next month.

Is it wrong to feel disappointed and a little hurt?  Am I being a greedy romantic?  Can I tell him I'm disappointed?
 
October 10, 2006, 12:52 pm CDT

No time for sex

I moved in with my boyfriend of three years about six months ago. I'm 45 he's 53. He's been married three time I've been married once . Neither of us are wanting to rush into marraige, we're comfortable with where we're at. The problem is that our relationship has become almost sexless and I'm starting to not care!! I never thought I'd say that. I'm feeling less and less attracted to him. He works hard but he also drinks and smokes alot of cigarettes. I'm not attracted to him when he gets sossed and the cigarette breath is gross. He's always worn out and too tired to do anything. We don't go out, when I ask him if he wants to do something the answer is usually not really. I end up doing things alone or with a friend. He invites his sister over on the weekend to keep me company when he has to work. I like her but when she's there that's a guarentee of no sex for sure! I'm bored with it and I want a relationship not just a roommate! I'm getting tired of asking him to shower and putting up with nicotene and beer soaked kisses. What the hell do I do now?
 
October 10, 2006, 4:42 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: marva5

I moved in with my boyfriend of three years about six months ago. I'm 45 he's 53. He's been married three time I've been married once . Neither of us are wanting to rush into marraige, we're comfortable with where we're at. The problem is that our relationship has become almost sexless and I'm starting to not care!! I never thought I'd say that. I'm feeling less and less attracted to him. He works hard but he also drinks and smokes alot of cigarettes. I'm not attracted to him when he gets sossed and the cigarette breath is gross. He's always worn out and too tired to do anything. We don't go out, when I ask him if he wants to do something the answer is usually not really. I end up doing things alone or with a friend. He invites his sister over on the weekend to keep me company when he has to work. I like her but when she's there that's a guarentee of no sex for sure! I'm bored with it and I want a relationship not just a roommate! I'm getting tired of asking him to shower and putting up with nicotene and beer soaked kisses. What the hell do I do now?

Hi Marva...

 

This is one of those rare times when I am going to suggest counseling. This is the type of thing that having a third party mediate can really help with.  (sorry, I know that was terrible grammar)...

 

Also I am going to suggest the book "Relationship Rescue" written by our gracious host.

 

Oh, and btw...judging from your post you don't seem to be, which is good, but *DON'T* be apologetic at all for having a sex drive. You are entittled. There are men out there who would eat their socks for a woman like you. Hopefully your guy will realize that.

 
October 10, 2006, 4:49 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: joybrown

For the past month, my husband has been really busy; working full-time plus another 10 hours or so working on a business he's starting out with a friend.  So, I've been trying to be understanding and have taken on pretty much all of the housework on my own.  Even when I came down with a bad cold last week (I still have the cold), I still did the housework and cooking. 

So, when our 10-year dating anniversary came around a few days ago, I was kind of disappointed when all he did was give me a card.  I just wish he'd have taken 5 minutes to feel some sympathy for my illness and appreciate that I picked up all his share of the housework.  I just want him to put a little thought into a gift--a little bunch of carnations for my new vase, or some videos and chicken noodle soup to snuggle together with ... something that shows he noticed and appreciated and thought about me during the past month.

 ... I gave him a card, the Star Wars trilogy (nostalgic gift from our pre-dating days), a key wallet (he mentioned wanting to try one instead of the usual key ring), and a fancy shave gel (shaving product is his latest obsession).  It's 10 years!  It's a big deal to me :(

I know it's not right to compare. 
I know he's been much busier than I have been recently. 
I know that our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up next month.

Is it wrong to feel disappointed and a little hurt?  Am I being a greedy romantic?  Can I tell him I'm disappointed?

Hi Joy...

 

Your feelings are NEVER wrong.

 

As such, you should discuss this, without being accusing or combative. Your husband *did* remember, which tells me he is a good guy, but he was probably was unaware of the dates importance to you. Take it from me, men are clueless with stuff like that. You sound like a *great* wife..the Star Wars Trilogy? (one of my favs)...much of the outcome will be determined by the tone you set when  you begin this discussion. Try to make it end with a nice, long, passionate kiss. Turn this into a positive if you can.

 

As marital issues go, this one is pretty benign.

 

Best of luck kiddo...my money is on you guys going out to a romantic dinner to celebrate the ten year and one month aniversary of your first date.

 
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