Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

My husband of 1 year, well we have been living together for 2 years but married in June of last year.  Moving forward...when we were dating and then when I moved in with him, everything was great, sex, conversation, everything.  Then about 3 months ago, things started to change.  He blames it on his medication, however he has been on the meds for about 6 months, so for four months our sex life was still great, meaning it was very regular 2-3 times a week.  Now it is barely 3 times a month.  I think that maybe I want it too much, but my desire for sex has not changed, it is his that has changed and I don't know why.  I have not gained weight, nothing has changed, that I see.  I love my husband so much and I give him all of the attention in the world.  We hold hands, we kiss, we tell each other "I love you" hourly.  It is just our sex life that is lacking.  I feel like it is me, because he will say things like "look at the butt on her", or just today, I asked what he wanted for his birthday and he said a threesome, he knows that things like that make me upset and he does it on purpose, because he will say, I was just joking or I wanted to make you mad...but could their be some truth to this, could it be that he wants someone else or something else in our marriage. Porn is no longer an issue, we had that talk when I first moved in and he doesn't look at any longer...that I know of.  About 2 weeks ago, I used his cell phone and there was a picture of an half naked women on it, it was a downloaded picture (not one that he had taken) and I told him that it made me feel insecure, and like he wanted someone else so he, took it off.  Should I have done that, did I force something that I shouldn't have?

 How do I go about getting the sex life back that we had?  Could it be that I am reading to much into this and it is nothing?  Maybe it is the age difference, maybe I expect to much from him, he is 38 and I am 24.  I love him so much and I would never do anything to push him away and I am so scared that if I keep wanting sex and asking him or initiating it, then I will push him away and he will get to the point where we are never intimate at all. Please give me any advice that you might have.

Thanks so much

Hi Katie,

You are going to get many different perspectives here. Mine is just one of them. Take in as much information as you can, and make the best decision for YOU.

First off, you are NOT wrong for wanting sex, as far as my wife and I are concerned, there is NO SUCH THING as a married couple having too much sex. Your drives are not to be dismissed, and you should NEVER feel guilty for having them, although many would try to make you feel ashamed for daring to want to orgasm a couple fo times a week.

I am not the first genius to figure out that as time goes on, in the vast majority of traditional marriages, sexx occurs less and less, and becomes boring. In your case it seems to have happened waaaaay to early, not that this is ever aceptable.

*Now*...I feel that the reason this often happens are the unrealistic parameters wil impose on each other. A downloaded picture of a half naked girl makes you insecure? All that will do is make him look behind your back. Don't make him wrong for his feelings either. Just because a guy likes to look doesn't mean that he is being unfaithful. You could be the hottest little tamale on the face of the earth, and your husband will still acknowledge the female form. Don't bind his mojo. It will make him feel that he can't confide in you. Many successful couples share fantasies and desires with one another. Read this month's Cosmo, there is a great article in it about mariatl sex.

Your husband is 38, and he doesn't want to wind up like most married men do. Middle aged and sexually frustrated. This isn't about YOU, its about human nature and the way we are wired. If you want to operate from the premise that ALL he should ever look at is you, and that you and you alone are all he should ever desire, and any variation from that is a betrayal of your marriage, I feel that is the path to him having an affair, or sneaking in porn wherever he can, or even flirting with the girl at Starbucks. It will make him act differently when you are NOT there than when you ARE there...

Talk OPENLY about sex, and don't be offended at everything he says. he should do the same for you...Don;t judge each other...If not you are headed for Vanilla hell;..

hey,,,just my opinion

Hi Katie,

You are going to get many different perspectives here. Mine is just one of them. Take in as much information as you can, and make the best decision for YOU.

First off, you are NOT wrong for wanting sex, as far as my wife and I are concerned, there is NO SUCH THING as a married couple having too much sex. Your drives are not to be dismissed, and you should NEVER feel guilty for having them, although many would try to make you feel ashamed for daring to want to orgasm a couple fo times a week.

I am not the first genius to figure out that as time goes on, in the vast majority of traditional marriages, sexx occurs less and less, and becomes boring. In your case it seems to have happened waaaaay to early, not that this is ever aceptable.

*Now*...I feel that the reason this often happens are the unrealistic parameters wil impose on each other. A downloaded picture of a half naked girl makes you insecure? All that will do is make him look behind your back. Don't make him wrong for his feelings either. Just because a guy likes to look doesn't mean that he is being unfaithful. You could be the hottest little tamale on the face of the earth, and your husband will still acknowledge the female form. Don't bind his mojo. It will make him feel that he can't confide in you. Many successful couples share fantasies and desires with one another. Read this month's Cosmo, there is a great article in it about mariatl sex.

Your husband is 38, and he doesn't want to wind up like most married men do. Middle aged and sexually frustrated. This isn't about YOU, its about human nature and the way we are wired. If you want to operate from the premise that ALL he should ever look at is you, and that you and you alone are all he should ever desire, and any variation from that is a betrayal of your marriage, I feel that is the path to him having an affair, or sneaking in porn wherever he can, or even flirting with the girl at Starbucks. It will make him act differently when you are NOT there than when you ARE there...

Talk OPENLY about sex, and don't be offended at everything he says. he should do the same for you...Don;t judge each other...If not you are headed for Vanilla hell;..

hey,,,just my opinion

Hey Richard,

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

Thank you,

Katie

Hey Richard,

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

Thank you,

Katie

Hey Richard,

I think you are completely right, I guess maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else, the last thing I want is to push him into having an affair. 

Yes, it does make me feel insecure when he looks at other women, or has to have them on his phone.  guess I just thought since he know I didn't approve and didn't like it, that he just shouldn't do it.  Recently, we visited my family and he was showing the pictures on his phone to my uncle and father and my aunt made kept on at me asking why I didn't make him take that off of his phone, well, that upset me, she just basically confirmed the feelings of insecurity and anger.  It all escalated from there, then I finally told him he needed to take it off, and now I know I should have just left it alone.

I guess, I am just saying this to say it out loud, but I need to learn to love myself more so that I can give him what he needs and not be so insecure.  One of the hardest things for me to do is not get offended when he talks about other women, and i even know that 9 times out of 10, he is just doing it to watch me get upset.  I came to the conclusion, that I should just ignore the behavior and let him look without getting upset, but I have yet to be successful at that. 

Thank you so much for all of your great advise and everything you said was right on.

Thank you,

Katie