Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

May I ask, why did you marry him?

First of all, don't have sex "just to please him" it will ruin you in the long run! Beleive me, I know.

Second, he might just be curious. My husband tells me that at work some men sometimes goes and checks out porn sites! And, belive it or not we just got one 6 months ago, and he was curious to see, but he did not know how!(computer twit) Guess what, I showed him how, I think he went 2 times to check it out (the first time I cheked it out with him) and he has not done it since!(I don't agree of porn sites! I just do things like that!)

Talk to him about it, ask him why.

If it gets to much for you get rid of your computer! or your husband lol :o)

I’m a male and I can empathize with your pain.  If an act or behavior does harm to a loved one then the one doing the behavior needs to stop as soon as the hurt is communicated.  He should at least agree to stop long enough to empathize with **why** it hurts.  Once he truly empathizes the hurtful behavior should change unless there is a deeper problem.  Men are highly visual when it comes to sex.  So, for most men porn is a tuff battle to fight.  Keep in mind that for some marriages some amount of porn is accepted cause neither spouse is offended or hurt by it.  Even then I would think that this is a very delicate balancing act.

To empathize he must openly and honestly talk with you.  Create a safe atmosphere that encourages this.  It is very important that the both of you not allow the emotional charge of the issue to turn the talking into a bashing session.  It’s this safe ground in a marriage where you help him find his moral compass.  Some guy’s believe anything goes in a marriage.  That’s only true if you both agree and no one should agree to something that hurts.  So, in that case “NO” must mean “NO”.  Then it may be time to renegotiate the marital contract to a win/win situation.

I completely agree with “dreamfor2day”.  Guy’s tend to deceive with half truths.  My daughter was on line once looking for a “PROM dress” and accidentally pressed on a “PORN dress” site.  But most guys aren’t Googling for a “Free prom dress” on line when multiple sites appear over a span of time.  How long have you been married?  Because his sex drive seems highly active.  Last time I was that active with the wife we were newly weds.  Even then not sure I was that active.  If through your talking you suspect there is a deeper problem then consider counseling for him and to make him feel better offer to go with.

Scott, thank you for your advice.  I've read several of your posts and I think you have good advice.  I have been thinking about what you said and while I am being supportive and telling him I know what he is doing is hard and I am here to help, that yes, I do feel like a victim.  I am a pretty happy, positive person and yet I am being brought down by the problems caused by his depression.  It isn't easy living with someone who is laughing with you one minute, and then later on walking around miserable and barely responding to you.  Actually I think the main thing I need to do, which is the hardest, is not to take it personally. 

I also agree it isn't a good idea to tell anyone about what is going on.  Sometimes I really need someone to vent to.  I have a friend who suffers from depression and I think part of me wants to talk to her so she will assure me that this is the depression and not his true feelings.  I know alot of people who aren't in the situation tend to just say they wouldn't put up with it, so you should just get rid of him.

argggg, sometimes I just want to scream!  But , my motto is now from the song 'Believe' by Suzie McNeil...."If you just believe, you can move mountains with dreams..."

Thanks for you help and thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest.

Have you seen movie “Jerry McGuire”?  Played by Tom Cruz, Jerry was faced with the pain of loneliness even though he had lots of money and people around him. 

He created a mission statement where he declares to the world what’s most important and puts it first.  This new creed took his life in a different direction.  At first it was chaotic.  But then he realized, connecting deeply and honestly with others is where the true value and worth is found.

Isn’t that what committing to a marriage is?  Declaring to the world your vow to your husband his vow to you.  My suggestion is to get both of you to focus on your wedding vow and if it needs to be revised and clarified that’s okay.  This should lead to getting his attention and not compromising on your self esteem.  Find what you both agree on first then find where the disconnect is.

Your welcome.  The hardest thing for you will be having to hold some things in.  You have to selective about when to bring things up.  If you cannot, decrease the time between counselor visits.  You need to sort out what things are your problem and what things are not.  The things that are your problem, you can deal with.  The other things are his, you can only be supportive.  It will have to be up to him to change himself.  Let the counselor help you figure that out.

Yes, you are the victim.  You have been put in a situation that you have no control over.  That is what makes you the victim.  But, you have to also take control of your own feelings and emotions by not playing the victim.  It is hard to have good moral when it is not good around you.  You will figure out a way to get that strength.  Probably once he is feeling better about himself and seeing the value in doing things differently, you will be more in the support role and less in the victim role.  Thank you for the compliment on the good advice.  Vent away, nobody here knows you and your husband.  If this helps, keep doing it. 

Keep you head up, Scott

Your advice was exactly what I needed to hear.  You are absolutely right.  I cannot bring up things that are only going to cause fights.  I can't make him do anything, so why fight about it.  I was about to say something about an issue this morning, but read this first and kept my mouth shut.

I am going to stop being a victim.  I feel like he is holding all the cards, but I'm not going to let him know that.  I remember a long time ago, before we got married, we would fight and he would always say he was leaving.  I , like an idiot, begged him not to leave, and he didn't.  Well one day he said he was leaving, so I said "fine, go".  Well he walked out the door, and I went to the window and watched.  He walked down the street, 2 houses down,  and stood there.  He had no idea what to do.  He didn't want to leave, I think he just liked having that power, and having me beg him to stay.  I forgot about that until last night. 

Well we have our next appt. tomorrow am.  I will keep you posted.  And thank you again.  I truly appreciate it.