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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Number of Replies: 1032
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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October 13, 2006, 1:37 pm CDT

Why marriage?

Quote From: dreamfor2day

I have been with my husband for a year. We were just married 1 month ago. I have been married before and had a very messy divorce. The result was 2 beautiful children and extremely low self esteem. For the following 3 years after the divorce I worked very hard on my self worth and was finally felling really good about myself, I bought my own house and managed to survive keeping my children happy and healthy. Then I met my husband. I love him dearly, he is everything to me (children aside) but we have our issues. We are both very stubborn people, but I constantly feel like I am the one appologizing. He says I nitpick and that I am very emotional. The nitpicking I really don't think I do, the emotional thing is true. I cry alot and for the last few months I have felt very down. Every time I try to talk about a problem he says its that time of the month again and often answers me with whatevers and here we go again. It is so frustrating! I still love to be with him although I wonder if he feels the same. He hardly ever initiates sex maybe once a month. I have initiated sex on several occations but I always feel like it is a chore for him. I have done the sexy dress up thing and been shot down (very hurtful) and now I don't want to do that anymore. I have been shot down so often with so many excuses, too tired is the current one. I don't know how to handle the rejection. It gets me so mad and hurt. This last time was two days ago and we haven't really talked since only on the phone at which time he told me he wasn't coming home. My reply was that if he didn't then he wouldn't...he slept on the couch.

Please help I love him with all of my heart but he is killing my self esteem. I don't know what I can do to make this work.

May I ask, why did you marry him?

 
October 13, 2006, 2:12 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: dreamfor2day

I am sorry that you are going through this, I can honestly say I know how it feels. You are not alone. When I was married to my first husband this was a huge issue. He too would hide it, and tell me the same thing that they were pop-ups from other sites and that it happens to everyone. Its not true. These sites do pop-up on rare occasions and sometimes inadvertantly you might type in the site I have to my surprise but if they are in the search engines and in the cookies of your computer than there is no way to say it is an accident.

This is definately something you have to deal with sooner rather than later. It can be damaging to a marriage my ended because of this and other issues, but this was a big one. It made me feel less of a woman, and I could never compete with photoshop! Try to remember that you are special and beautiful and you deserve to be respected. Best of luck to you and hang in there!

Hi thank you for writing back it is comforting to know that i am not the only one who feels this way. im very confused by this because on other websites it says that its normal for your husband to be looking at porn and that i shouldnt be angry or upset at this but I am. I am going to try my best to fix this problem as soon as he gets home from work I think the only way to stop this is to threaten him and forbid this to continue because really im not going to be with someone who likes looking at that stuff when he has a perfect sex life with me. thank you for ur opinion :)
 
October 13, 2006, 3:19 pm CDT

No one should agree to something that hurts

Quote From: lastresort1

This is the first time I catch my husband looking at porn online. I come home from school to check my email and as I am typing the website, i see other websites drop down from the drop down list of visited sites. I see sites like www.babes4free.com and many others. I ask him why is this coming out and he says that its probably just from the pop ups that come out when he is visiting game websites and that he would never look at that crap. I believed him and I said nothing more. At night I went back online to find even more porn links in the drop down list and even a google search of those things. All night I couldnt sleep thinking about this. Im not sure if im overreacting but this is seriously bothering me. I give him everything he wants. we have sex every single day somtimes even twice or more in one day, so its not to say he is just looking at this because he doesnt get sex because he gets more than enough. This angers me because there are times i have sex with him even when i dont want to but i give it to him to make him happy, and this is how he repays me. I am obviously against porn I just think its disrespectful to know ur husband is getting off on seeing other women. I even cried this morning thinking about it. im not sure if im overreacting so please if anyone can just help me and tell me what they think about this and how to make this stop. thanks

I’m a male and I can empathize with your pain.  If an act or behavior does harm to a loved one then the one doing the behavior needs to stop as soon as the hurt is communicated.  He should at least agree to stop long enough to empathize with **why** it hurts.  Once he truly empathizes the hurtful behavior should change unless there is a deeper problem.  Men are highly visual when it comes to sex.  So, for most men porn is a tuff battle to fight.  Keep in mind that for some marriages some amount of porn is accepted cause neither spouse is offended or hurt by it.  Even then I would think that this is a very delicate balancing act.

 

To empathize he must openly and honestly talk with you.  Create a safe atmosphere that encourages this.  It is very important that the both of you not allow the emotional charge of the issue to turn the talking into a bashing session.  It’s this safe ground in a marriage where you help him find his moral compass.  Some guy’s believe anything goes in a marriage.  That’s only true if you both agree and no one should agree to something that hurts.  So, in that case “NO” must mean “NO”.  Then it may be time to renegotiate the marital contract to a win/win situation.

 

I completely agree with “dreamfor2day”.  Guy’s tend to deceive with half truths.  My daughter was on line once looking for a “PROM dress” and accidentally pressed on a “PORN dress” site.  But most guys aren’t Googling for a “Free prom dress” on line when multiple sites appear over a span of time.  How long have you been married?  Because his sex drive seems highly active.  Last time I was that active with the wife we were newly weds.  Even then not sure I was that active.  If through your talking you suspect there is a deeper problem then consider counseling for him and to make him feel better offer to go with.

 
October 13, 2006, 4:28 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: dnolet

May I ask, why did you marry him?

I know it sounds stupid but I love him. He is really a good guy basically, he does things around the house goes to work every day but emotionally I just don't feel connected to him. Maybe I should have seen the warning signs, he definately has trust issues and I have abandonment issues. I just want him to show me how he feels.
 
October 13, 2006, 7:13 pm CDT

victim

Quote From: westmoneypit

You have to get in the support mode, not the victim mode maybe.  I will say, I have never dealt with this, but seeming like you are being helpful and not judgmental or cold, would really pull you closer to him.  He probably needs to feel supported.  Tell him that you want to help him.

 

Something struck me in one of your posts.  The statement about your family.  I am not sure what your counselor says, but when we were having marriage problems, our counselor told us to keep others out of it.  That means family and friends.  This problem is between you and him, do not involve others.  It will be damaging.  Family members and friends sometimes have a way of interjecting their opinion, but opinions are mostly not helpful.  Others may not be understanding or ever "forget" that your husband is an alcoholic or that you had problems and never look at him the same.  This does not help now and it will not help in the future.  Only get family involved when things are over with.  Until then, it should only include you, him and your counselor.

 

Good luck, Scott

Scott, thank you for your advice.  I've read several of your posts and I think you have good advice.  I have been thinking about what you said and while I am being supportive and telling him I know what he is doing is hard and I am here to help, that yes, I do feel like a victim.  I am a pretty happy, positive person and yet I am being brought down by the problems caused by his depression.  It isn't easy living with someone who is laughing with you one minute, and then later on walking around miserable and barely responding to you.  Actually I think the main thing I need to do, which is the hardest, is not to take it personally. 

 

I also agree it isn't a good idea to tell anyone about what is going on.  Sometimes I really need someone to vent to.  I have a friend who suffers from depression and I think part of me wants to talk to her so she will assure me that this is the depression and not his true feelings.  I know alot of people who aren't in the situation tend to just say they wouldn't put up with it, so you should just get rid of him.

 

argggg, sometimes I just want to scream!  But , my motto is now from the song 'Believe' by Suzie McNeil...."If you just believe, you can move mountains with dreams..."

 

Thanks for you help and thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest.

 

 

 
October 14, 2006, 8:38 am CDT

Find what you both agree on first.

Quote From: dreamfor2day

I know it sounds stupid but I love him. He is really a good guy basically, he does things around the house goes to work every day but emotionally I just don't feel connected to him. Maybe I should have seen the warning signs, he definately has trust issues and I have abandonment issues. I just want him to show me how he feels.

Have you seen movie “Jerry McGuire”?  Played by Tom Cruz, Jerry was faced with the pain of loneliness even though he had lots of money and people around him. 

 

He created a mission statement where he declares to the world what’s most important and puts it first.  This new creed took his life in a different direction.  At first it was chaotic.  But then he realized, connecting deeply and honestly with others is where the true value and worth is found.

 

Isn’t that what committing to a marriage is?  Declaring to the world your vow to your husband his vow to you.  My suggestion is to get both of you to focus on your wedding vow and if it needs to be revised and clarified that’s okay.  This should lead to getting his attention and not compromising on your self esteem.  Find what you both agree on first then find where the disconnect is.

 
October 16, 2006, 7:07 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: believe25

Scott, thank you for your advice.  I've read several of your posts and I think you have good advice.  I have been thinking about what you said and while I am being supportive and telling him I know what he is doing is hard and I am here to help, that yes, I do feel like a victim.  I am a pretty happy, positive person and yet I am being brought down by the problems caused by his depression.  It isn't easy living with someone who is laughing with you one minute, and then later on walking around miserable and barely responding to you.  Actually I think the main thing I need to do, which is the hardest, is not to take it personally. 

 

I also agree it isn't a good idea to tell anyone about what is going on.  Sometimes I really need someone to vent to.  I have a friend who suffers from depression and I think part of me wants to talk to her so she will assure me that this is the depression and not his true feelings.  I know alot of people who aren't in the situation tend to just say they wouldn't put up with it, so you should just get rid of him.

 

argggg, sometimes I just want to scream!  But , my motto is now from the song 'Believe' by Suzie McNeil...."If you just believe, you can move mountains with dreams..."

 

Thanks for you help and thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest.

 

 

Your welcome.  The hardest thing for you will be having to hold some things in.  You have to selective about when to bring things up.  If you cannot, decrease the time between counselor visits.  You need to sort out what things are your problem and what things are not.  The things that are your problem, you can deal with.  The other things are his, you can only be supportive.  It will have to be up to him to change himself.  Let the counselor help you figure that out.

Yes, you are the victim.  You have been put in a situation that you have no control over.  That is what makes you the victim.  But, you have to also take control of your own feelings and emotions by not playing the victim.  It is hard to have good moral when it is not good around you.  You will figure out a way to get that strength.  Probably once he is feeling better about himself and seeing the value in doing things differently, you will be more in the support role and less in the victim role.  Thank you for the compliment on the good advice.  Vent away, nobody here knows you and your husband.  If this helps, keep doing it. 

Keep you head up, Scott

 
October 16, 2006, 4:55 pm CDT

selecting

Quote From: westmoneypit

Your welcome.  The hardest thing for you will be having to hold some things in.  You have to selective about when to bring things up.  If you cannot, decrease the time between counselor visits.  You need to sort out what things are your problem and what things are not.  The things that are your problem, you can deal with.  The other things are his, you can only be supportive.  It will have to be up to him to change himself.  Let the counselor help you figure that out.

Yes, you are the victim.  You have been put in a situation that you have no control over.  That is what makes you the victim.  But, you have to also take control of your own feelings and emotions by not playing the victim.  It is hard to have good moral when it is not good around you.  You will figure out a way to get that strength.  Probably once he is feeling better about himself and seeing the value in doing things differently, you will be more in the support role and less in the victim role.  Thank you for the compliment on the good advice.  Vent away, nobody here knows you and your husband.  If this helps, keep doing it. 

Keep you head up, Scott

Your advice was exactly what I needed to hear.  You are absolutely right.  I cannot bring up things that are only going to cause fights.  I can't make him do anything, so why fight about it.  I was about to say something about an issue this morning, but read this first and kept my mouth shut.

 

I am going to stop being a victim.  I feel like he is holding all the cards, but I'm not going to let him know that.  I remember a long time ago, before we got married, we would fight and he would always say he was leaving.  I , like an idiot, begged him not to leave, and he didn't.  Well one day he said he was leaving, so I said "fine, go".  Well he walked out the door, and I went to the window and watched.  He walked down the street, 2 houses down,  and stood there.  He had no idea what to do.  He didn't want to leave, I think he just liked having that power, and having me beg him to stay.  I forgot about that until last night. 

 

Well we have our next appt. tomorrow am.  I will keep you posted.  And thank you again.  I truly appreciate it.

 
October 16, 2006, 8:40 pm CDT

How to get him back

I and my husband have been togather for several years and married for 4 years and have a nearly 4 years old boy. I had a 9 years old from previous marriage. He was a very loving and caring person before and gradually that part of him has been dying out and he told me that he has lost his feelings to me after we had fight and long unresolved issue about his caring towards a new nice female colleague working under him. I felt emotional betrayal even though nothing happened between them. I was very verbally abusive as I felt like the one being hurt and as I saw him lacking of guilty feelings. I thought he's selfish and only focus on his own feelings while not care enough what it means towards the rest of us in the family. We both tried in some way to work it out in different time(not mutually togather somehow) and it didn't work and he's seems surely that he has lost his feelings to me. He even suggested that we stay for kids and I ignore him completely even if he could have feelings towards another woman. I felt disgusted and think he's disgusting. We're very suffering and all lost a big amount of weight for it, especially I'm still shrinking and failing in basic daily life things as caring for kids sometimes. I felt very sick in every sense for quite bit time. Now I feel only very weak since I've got more understanding of what he felt about me for years as he said my words damaged his feelings more than anything. I was very much lacking of sensitivity to him for almost whole past but only do and say what I think is the right things. He felt that I've been treating him like a mother, pushing him for career and caring him like to a son. Whenver bad things happened, I spoke extreme. He barely felt happy with me for very long while I was always thinking him as not good. I've always thought that I've done nothing wrong and it's always he's the person did the wrong thing. Once I started feel him I started feel sorry for being not a good woman as he's been trying to tell me for years. He still cares about me but I don't know if his feelings to me has lost permanently. I felt very bad about it and I can't image handling the kids alone. Now I really don't want lose him for myself as I somehow for the first time started feel him as a very good man and started forgive everything he said or did not good. I become very sensitive to him. I'm alerady down and very sad for too long and feel too weak to handle/control the situation. I want to treat him as man I love and care but I feel powerless in the situation now. I desperately need his feelings and passions to me which can't just happen as good will. He still has good sex desire in me but sometimes he thinks it's not nice to have sex with me while lacking of feelings to me. I want to feel him, feel his care, but phsically close always arouse his sexual desire. I found hard to disencourage him to have sex and I also found hard to feel his sorry as having sex without enough feelings. Any advise???
 
October 16, 2006, 10:27 pm CDT

Sex Sucks

I haven't talked to anyone about this because it is pretty personal and a sensitive subject for me so I thought maybe I could find some answers here. I waited for marriage to have sex...and was always very sure of that decision and proud that I would be able to give that "gift" to my husband. My husband and I got married on our 4 year anniversary. So we had been together for 4 years and things had gotten somewhat dull phsyically because we never progressed because we where waiting. He had been with 4 other girls in the past ( long term relationships). So was very experienced with it. Anyway we have been married for a little over a year and sex is the most stressful part of our relationship, for me. He is always ready and willing but I just suck at it, in my opinon, I mean I have no idea what I'm doing...I feel like I'm just laying there, literally doing nothing, I never instigate it because I don't know what to do and I still have never come close to having an orgasm because I can't consentrate because I am so stressed about all of it. I just wonder if I shouldn't have waited, it would have probably been a better "gift" to him if I had some experience....I'm sure he would feel the same way. I feel like right now if I just went out and slept with a bunch of people he would be better off, obviously I wouldn't do that... He has never said anything or made me feel uncomfortable. I guess I just never had that stress free sex that everyone else has. I really want to please him and am very self conscious of that because he has been with other people who have and he has waited this long for me and I SUCK... I think my biggest problem is that if right now I was with someone that I just started dating, I could fake it and act confident but he knew me for four years before and he knows I'm not like that and knows that I have no experience so I can't just act like I do because he knows me too well...also we were together for so long that it's just not that exciting anymore and I'm never really turned on and have no desire to have sex because for the past year it has sucked! Anyway if you can just understand that I waited for this until I was 25 and made him wait and really expected it to be great, I keep thinking about how good the sex would have been in the begining if we had just done it then.. I mean I have always had a really strong sex drive up until the year before we got married and have always wanted to have sex before but just held out and now after all that it sucks? I mean what am I supposed to do? It sucks for me because is this the only sex I will ever experience? And we all know why this sucks for him, I have no passion, I don't move and I never instigate it, I'm never in the mood, and I never have an orgasm and I really don't like it because I have no idea what I'm doing??????? He tries to move me around and do new things but I always have the same reaction, which is nothing! Anyway advice, opinions, anything would help!! I always hear people say that the first people they were with were always bad experiences and it didn't get good until much later but what does that mean for me it'll stay in the first awkward and bad sex phase forever? I can't even image what it would be like to want to have sex and to actually enjoy it.....
 
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