Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

It seems that you both are now talking.  Forgiving yourself and your husband for past hurt and pain should help in the healing process.  Continue taking about things that are important to both of you and in that you will find something that you both agree on.  You have good feelings for him so he should hear that from you.  In your talking with him say true things that make him feel good too.  Confide in him not only heavy things but light things too that help build a vision of hope and happiness.

You want intimacy and affection and you deserve it.  It appears you have already begun rebuilding your relationship through talking.  Don’t get discouraged and begin dwelling on the negative but look for the positive and then confess that.  There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a counselor to help rebuild if you see the need.

Have you talked to him about how you feel about sex (that you waited and now you feel disappointed)?  Sex starts in the mind so you’re correct it is the stress that is stopping it.  Perhaps you can go to the local book store to see if there are self help books that may help you.

Just a thought…but maybe you could start telling him what you like and have him do what you want.  For example, sexual intercourse is an emotional experience therefore you may find a stress free environment with soothing music, candles and a partner who is enjoying intimate kissing and caressing without jumping strait to the act.  So, it will require restraint for him until you’re ready.  My wife gave our daughter, who is 20 and saving herself for marriage, a book to read “The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye; ISBN 0-310-27062-6.  It may help you.

What you’re experiencing is normal but it will take both of you to understand what YOU need and want.  Just because a man has had sexual intercourse with other people doesn’t mean he is the expert.  As a man who has been through it I can tell you with certainty he isn’t an expert or he would have helped you meet your need by now.  I’m also certain he is a great guy or you wouldn’t have married him.  He will follow your lead; **he needs you to teach him** how to have a sexual relationship with you.  Decide what it is you need and want.  All the other relationships do not matter when you talk of your unique loving relationship with him.  When you know then let him know.  Don’t surrender now or it will be the first of many in the marriage. 

You are courageous and adventurous and a fun loving person. You can do this.

I want to make sure that you understand that I am not telling you to hold back your feelings, just release them in a timely manner.  Your feelings are supposed to be respected.

Sit back and listen for a while and let your husband deal with his demons.  He is holding all the cards, but only when it comes to dealing with his own problems.  You still have choices, but if your choice is to stay, then his problems will be yours until they are dealt with.  Just remember, no matter what he is dealing with, try to be the supporter.  He is about to make a life change.

I want so bad for all people to get along, especially where there is love still.  Be honest with yourself and take blame when it is yours to take,  and do not take blame when it is not yours to take.  Looking forward to hearing from you. 

Looking forward to hearing how it is going.  You are very welcome. 

I am going to ask a personal question.  Have you ever achieve an orgasm by yourself?  You have had other relationsips.  Go with me on this one, I want to see if I can help you with your comfort level.

So I can add some credibility to my question and advice, my wife and I both had partners before we got married, we had sex before we got married with each other, but she did achieve an orgasm for the first time till after we were married.  The guy is largely responsible for your orgasm and passion is most of that when you are starting out.  Do not try so hard or worry about it so much, it actually comes with time and experience.

The advice you have been given already is so great!  You must "make love" not have sex.  It does start with the head and the heart, then it is physical.  Find out what arouses you emotionally.  Is it reading about romantic scenes, bubble baths, music, etc...  You have to set your mood first.  This is part of comfort as well.  You have to "get the juices flowing" as they say, but only you can tell what is good for you and what is not. 

You are not alone in this, so you can stop wishing for the fairtale ending and starting taking the baby steps needed to accomplish a great sexual relationship.

I will be looking for your reply.

Thank you for your reply and it does make some sense. Still I've got more questions to ask.

I tried to seek help for couple counselling because I think having good will to work it out may not be enough. But he's hesitated to which way to go and he's more remaining passive and simply let his feelings taking control. Feeling his not  having surely committed effort to try to work it out makes me feel depressed and can't help to have questions. One hand he thinks I can be a good woman for him and it may not be too late even though he thinks that I'm the one always delayed. But on the other hand, as he said when he had feelings to me, even if I'm not good to him I still looked nice from his view. When he lost his feelings to me, even if I'm good to him and made him feel good, it's just not good enough. Acturally he said he's got more resistance to me when I'm good to him in any sense even if he likes it. He's more actively good to me whenever he sees or feels that I'm detaching from him. There's something makes me feel sick and uncomfortable that he somehow wants to reserve his feelings to other woman whenever he thinks he feels like. He's hesitating between doing the right thing for others or going for his own feelings and be happy for it rather than feel restrained or forced by moral or responsibility to not to. That's why now he feels better if I'm not good to him than good to him. I've never felt him this way before and that's why I do feel sorry for being not sensible/good/caring enough for him as a woman before. I'm trying to understand him as himself. I told him that at least I need to feel him as a good person to be able to deal with either result and I feel bad when I feel him bad and selfishly insensible to the others in the family even if he stays with me. That's why I don't feel it as a favour that he offered me to stay for kids and ignore whatever he's doing, even though I clearly knowing it's horrible for me to think dealing with kids alone or not be able to take care of them. I have to be a normal woman feeling protected and safe in certain way before I can be a good mother and I'll always feel sorry if I can't be a good mother. While he seems choose not to think too much, I can't help but feel have to clear out as much and work it out either way realistically. He sometimes even tries to encourage me to go for the man if any I feel better with. But I told him I can't since in that case I have to be first a good mother before I can be a good woman for other man. Though I believe if there's man who cares and even loves me would also be good to my kids, the question is how long will it last? He's been really good to my first child and more or less chose him to have a life. Now what it leads? Having a kid with him can't make him a better man/father when he's not having enough feelings to me while he can be good to child not of his while he's got the feelings towards the mother. I understand him as a better person than me before and now he feels me a very good person and said he LIKES me. Maybe I really DO NOT understand MAN. I can't understand why he loved me and had all the feelings to me before and now just feel like me even still with good sexual desire in me(my body is still very sexy to him) while I'm his wife, his kid's mother. What is a man's feelings? I DO NOT want to understand him BAD. I sincerely hope that everything is not too late. I know he's got a lot if unsure things inside him as he can't tell for sure if my understanding about the past and the feelings to him is too late or not, if he wants to be happy with me or resereve his feelings and not having good life with me or I can be OK just give up him. We're affecting each other in different way on a daily basis. We all kind of feeling sick, especially I can't focus on other things and even sometimes I do want to give everything, I mean everything and shut down myself. I know for sure I have to be realistic in either way. Good will and thinking should do the right thing is not enough.

Please, let me first say that you are a very strong, brave and courageous person who deserves to be happy.

You also have children who have become innocent victims of this tragic relationship of marriage.  I’m about to share with you my opinion and this is only my opinion.  Children tend to blame themselves for the failed relationship between Mom & Dad.  So, the sick feelings that you have been experiencing are also being felt by your Kids.  Except their feelings are of shame and diminished self worth.  Unless corrected, they will see and eventually repeat the same relationship mistakes you and your husband are making.  You must now put them as your priority.

Your happy vision of hope for the future, for your children’s sake, must now change.  It’s not the general nature of men which you need to get an understanding of.  It’s the behavior of the one man who you are married to that needs your clear minded attention.  According to your post, he is a *person* who has already made decisions about his role in the life of your family.  It appears he has already divorced you in his heart and is committed to that.  I find it difficult to believe that he is thinking about what’s best for you or the children when he is asking you to go find another man while he stays in your house. 

Trust your instinct here.  If you suspect another woman then you’re probably right. His behavior appears, to me, to support that conclusion.  Again this is just my opinion which is only based on what you have told me.  He has not lost his morals he has thrown them out with trash.  Therefore, you should do the same to him for your kids sake.  He does not have good intentions for you or the kids.  He has made very selfish decisions and acted on them.  This is why you are having sick to your stomach feelings on a daily basis. Don’t let your children think its okay for him to treat you or them in this immoral way.

You must find the strength to change the things that you can change.  You must also find peace with the fact that you can not change him or his decisions.  So, what you can change is your happy vision of the future.  Then take the actions now, in the present, that will align you and your children with that vision.  As I said before, **you deserve to be happy**.  You are a wonderful woman who has the strength and courage to change your vision and to take control of your happy destiny.

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply and I appreciated that!

Since I'm not certainly/ clearly knowing the situation and especially what's really inside him, I feel hard to take the move with a clear direction and also I don't feel trust in myself that I can be as strong as needed. There's no other woman involved yet and that seems sure for the time being though I don't know what is inside him and if he's already having feelings to somebody else or he thinks he will in future. Maybe he's already made a decision. Surely I'm the one haven't. For me, if we can work it out, it is good for everybody in the family and it means a lot. Also I have to be realistic about what I'm capable of. To be honest, I feel very hopeless about myself that I've been too weak/useless. I've already seen the impact on my kids as sometimes I ignored them or simply let the elder one taking care of the younger one whenever I feel very down/sick. I know it's not OK and it's not right. I believe that to some degree, everybody has some moral sense. He looks like trashed a lot of things he shouldn't. Maybe he's been struggled for very long time before while I just started seriouly noticed the problems . Now I'm the one in a lot of struggling. He does look like emotionally divorced me and even bit divorced the family. Since there's not yet other woman involoved and since he said a lot "I don't know." and also he doesn't look like a bad guy to my knowledge, it makes me think that maybe it's not too late. I do think that I did contribute to his hard feelings to me in the past. I'm the one often easily speaks bad about him and as he said if you say your husband like this then what do you expect. He told me that my words damaged him more than anything else and it made him just more want to against me. I've never tried to understand him in a better way but more or less accused him, or at least made him feel he's not good enough rather than being proud of him. These all because of my lacking sensitivity of him, and simply of that, things couldn't be better but worse in any occasion. It is this deep down understanding made me still struggling rather than leave. I realise nothing is more important in the family than a healthy relationship with your partner. As he said if he feels good with me as his wife, why would him have any possible interest in anybody else. I know he wasn't feeling good with me and he had his reason. He's been for years trying to convince himself that I'm his only one and he can love me now and forever even he barely felt happy with me, he did try a lot at least to pursade himself until some certain stage, he decided to give up. I was more focused on what I thought is good for the family, for him, for kids, and those are more look  like hard goals. I did feel bad about his change because I think it is maybe his easy having potential feelings towards somebody else helped him realise that how little feelings he's got for me. I was more reacting on feeling emotional betrayed than thinking what is indeed. Without getting this level of understanding of him, I wouldn't be here still. I would be more damaged by myself's weakness/uselessness than being damaged by him by staying here. I think I didn't understand him properly before for very long. This is the first time ever I've been trying to excuse him even in such a difficult situation for myself. I often behaved that he's the one not good enough or did wrong and so should feel sorry while I barely thought there could be anything I may contributed to it. I don't think I've done anything really wrong/selfish but ignoring his personal feelings and needs has made everything from me not appropriately right as it looked like. He was frustrated that why always I'm the one look innocent and now I get it. I've also got more understanding why he wasn't feeling much sorry for what I think he should for various occasions. A lot of things look  like he's kind of against or rebelling to me since he values feeling happy more than just being right. The more I cared about what is right/should, the less he cared. Now I understand Dr Phils's saying "You want to be right or you want to be happy". I thought these two things shouldn't clash but in reality they did clash sometimes. All I hope is he can get back feelings to me so the marriage can be saved, all I hope is I can be more concentrated doing the things I should than being too distressed. A distressed mind does nothing good but distroy more my own self. I need feel something positive to feel cheered up rather than keeps thinking what I can't do the should and be upset/sorry for it even though it could be real.