Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Hello,

I am a 28yr old female with two children 6yrs old and 11 months old.  I've been married for 9yrs. There have been some problems before but we got back together. Back in 2003 my husband one day up and left I got home from work and his clothes were packed and all. He called me on the phone to say that he had moved out. I had noticed a girls number on one phone and it was deleted on the other, so that's when the investigation began, he kept saying she was one of his soldiers (yeah right) I had even called her house she wouldn't answer the phone. I would follow my husband and all hoping he would move back in he didn't. About 2wks later he was deployed to Iraq, the day he left he kissed my son but not me gave me a one shoulder hug and that was it.. I didn't think that I would be able to make it.. but I did. I met this guy. I wasn't out there purposely looking for someone it just happend and I'm not saying I was right because I was married but it just happend. I don't know if the guy was just nice or what but my husband didn't want me so I guess that's what it was. My husband had called my mother in law and said he wanted "his wife back" I guess that war territory will make you think about what you did have. He would call me to see if I would give him my debit card number to pay his phone bill.. I went on line and noticed he was still talking to this girl (let's just say the cell didn't get paid). After about 1yr I had made a big decision to move to Florida and start my life over. I told the guy that I was going  to work it out with my husband and that he needed to respect my wishes, he said he would. I moved in with my inlaws and saved money got my own apartment and was taking care of my son and then my husband comes back from Iraq, it was like we didn't talk about anything well we did here and there but not really deep talking (I guess we thought it would go away).

On the 15th of Feb.  08(one day after my birthday) my husband stopped talking to me, I didn't know why! I thought maybe I did something to him or I just didn't know why. When I had got to work I had received an email from someone I was kind of seeing about 5yrs ago, it said hello "miss lady well I hope miss anyways" blah blah blah. I admit when I first saw it I panicked but I deleted it. (To me this meant I was ignoring it) but to tell the truth I don't think that the guy sent it to me because the way his last name was spelled it was totally wrong. My husband has looked this guy up on the internet and the way it was sent to me was the way my husband always spells it. I think my husband sent it to see if I would respond. I finally asked my husband what was wrong and then he kept saying nothing then he finally mentioned the email, I said did you want me to respond.. I deleted it he said I know you did but I think you've been in contact with the guy. He's totally crazy..  He said he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he wants a divorce we haven't really had a conversation in 3wks. I had surgery 2wks ago and my mother in law has been helping me out with my baby since I can't lift him (thank god for her). These fights are stemming way back from 5yrs ago..  I love my husband but I don't think I should beg you to be with me. He's so mean.. I wrote him a note last night and put it one the chair and told him I loved him and I miss him when I woke up it was in the trash (so that I could see it) . I don't have any friends and don't have anyone to talk to. Yesterday he cam home after work to shower and change clothes and then just left the house not saying anything (he has made this a permanent thing just leaving the house not mentioning anything). I have been very sick like I said before I just had surgery 2weeks ago and now I have the flu (I feel like God doesn't love me). Well time kept passing and it was 11:30pm I couldn't take it any longer I called everyone his mother, father, brothers and all and I even called him he didn't answer his phone and one of his brothers didn't answer. He feels that since we're having problems he doesn't have to tell me where he's going or where he is (this isn't right).. I didn't say anything to him last night but this morning when I was at work I called him and asked where he was he said "why"? I said because I would like to know.. he said it doesn't matter... I don't want to be the bad person in this situation, I try to do the right thing cook clean and wash clothes but I can do too much since I had the surgery.. I don't wish anything bad on him but does anyone else believe in Karma (what you do to people will come back to you 10x worse)? I am starting to hate him (I know that hate is a horrible word but I'm getting to that point). My 6yr old is acting like a baby... he is doing everything to act out. His teacher stopped me this morning and said my son got upset about something yesterday and started crying then just built all these tears and spit up and let it plop on the floor. My son isn't doing what I tell him and I know it's because he's thinking Daddy isn't talking to Mommy so I can do what ever. My husband isn't helping on this my son told me that my husband told him he was moving out and mommy couldn't come.. what idiot does this.. I feel you have to talk to children with reason not say what you actually want to tell the other parent... this really makes me mad. My grandmother used to have a saying "once a woman stops following her heart.. once her heart actually hardens and she follows her mind that man better watch out.. because she'll be unstoppable". I just wish something would get his attention.. but you know what God is going to have to handle that. I believe everyone comes to a realization point in their life and you know what when he gets there I might be way past him and on to new stuff... I have plenty of bills in my name and I'm just jittery about paying them or how to pay them. You wouldn't think so because I've been on my own before. I get a vehicle allowance check of 100.00 tax free at work so I've been putting money in my account. I really want to pay these bills off before anything drastic happens... I'm trying to either pay 5 or 10 dollars more than minimum or on some double the minimum payment.

 Does anyone have any advice?

Girls, i have a bit of advice for all of you with guys that up and leave with not one word to you when they go, pay back sucks. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years, we are engaged and are getting married in april. He decided one evening over the weekend to up and dissappear on me and not come home until almost sunrise. I inquired as to where he had gone, he replied that he was out with "friends". i said okay, and he went into the bedroom and went to bed. I stayed up and cleaned house like usual on saturday mornings, got a shower in the spare bath and got dressed. I decided to go to the beach, so i gathered my supplies, a blanket, suntanning oil, a good book, all three sets of keys to all three vehicles, his wallet and all the money, his cell phone, and made sure that all of his clothes were in the washing machine on "soak". And then i left, instead of the beach, i went to the creek, about 15 minutes from home and stayed there until dark. Boy was he mad when i got home. He was not only mad, but still nude because he couldnt figure out the washing machine. All i said before i got into the shower was "payback is a B!t$#!!" he asked where i had gone and i told him i was with "friends", even though i had been by myself all day and everyone at the creek could tell him that. He asked who, so i listed off some names of girlfriends. He sat on the toilet seat while i was in the shower and pouted, boy did he pout. He stayed there until i was done. I got out and he clung to me like there was nooooo tomorrowww. He hasnt left my side since. See, give to them what they give to you, forget birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, send yourself flowers on your birthday, valentines, or just because and make sure you have the card filled out with things like "thank you for all that you do!" "to the most beautiful woman in the world" or something like that. Go out without him and make sure he's the one stuck at home He'll get the message, and he wont forget it. But always remember to go only so far, dont "stray" from your marriage or relationship, the point is to teach him a lesson, not to give him ammo for next time or give him a reason to go tooo far himself. It works, it'll take two or three times, this is the second time i've had to do this, and i'll do it again in a couple of months when he forgets my birthday on June 14th, not june 4th. I think i'll order roses this year, two dozen maybe.......lol "to the most beautiful girl in the world, two dozen of the worlds most beautiful roses.. love  you, mean it!!!"

I love it, that is hilarious.

 

Wow,

I guess you kinda told me uh? Well I was on protection til I left him. When we got back together We didn't have money because he was out of work and only doing what he could to care for us, til we got our kids back from my parents. I care alot about my kids and would do anything for them, Yes this baby wasn't planned, but in a way it has brought us closer together, and so has me coming back to him. We are happier now. But I guess We needed a "wake up call". But thanks for your opions.

That was cool. Sometimes I guess we all need a wake up call, to see what it would be like if the other was gone... that is hilarious. :)

Alot of the quires i have seen on this board are from girls, (women, ladies.. whatever..lol) who all have the same problem. " he isnt romantic, he ignores me,,ect..." i know how you feel. But i have learned something, boys will be boys, no matter if they are 25 or 65. They have to be (with a serious lack of a better way to put this) "trained", if you would. They are all expected to know what we want because they have lived with us for many years,or, in my case, not so many years. But no matter how many times you  go through the motions with them, they still never seem to learn. Its a tired an true theory, tell him, and tell him often.

     Let me begin by intorducing myself, my name is Susan -Marie, i live in sunny florida, i am engaged to be married in april to a most wonderful guy who is still learning the do's and don'ts in our relationship.

       My honey, his name is Chance by the way, is still a teenager in an adults body. Having lived together for going on 4 years, he has miscalculated my birthday 4 of the 5 years we have been together. And if you read my last post, you can see how i remedied that. When it comes to romance he is, well, lets just say he isnt Casanova. he is great in bed, no problems there, but the time it takes to get from the previews to the main feature is about like participating in a putt putt golf game, hole in one!!! lol. I ended up having to take the initiative,i had to tell him exactly what i wanted. i went out one week and spent my entire paycheck on "supplies" like lubricants, toys, hand cuffs, scarves for tying him up, blind folds, tasty lotions and body powders, body paint, lingerie and movies. Edible supplies are the best, especially fruits which arent as messy as whipped cream and chocolate syrup which are great too!

      Start by buying sexy under things, and wearing it under your every day clothes, if you are a stay at home mom then just going out and buying a pretty panty and bra combo is a great "come hither" type thing.  Wear a mini skirt when you take him his lunch or take the kids to grandmas early one afternoon and when he comes in be cooking dinner wearing nothing or just your matching panties and bra with a frilly apron and high heels (DO NOT ATTEMPT IF YOU ARE FRYING ANYTHING, TRUST ME!!!!!! Baked things, like pot roast or a casserole are the best. ) wear makeup every day, make yourself irrisitable and make him not be able to keep his eyes off of you.

  Do anything that completely coveys your message of "i want you to want ME". Try slowly enticing him, dance around the house while you clean, sit in his lap, nibble on his neck and ears.. but if he still doesnt get it, leave him raunchy little messages on his cell phone, dont use a company phone answering machine, (everyone in my honeys office knows now that i have a hot pink thong and bra and pink stripper heels.) or hand write a "dirty" letter and put in his lunch.

 Also, dont be afraid to try new things. Alot of women like to make love, to hades with that, watch a music video, see how the girls dance, then apply it to your intimate relationship. When he sees you put yourself out there, he will jump thru hoops to get you to keep it up.

  Most importantly TELL him what you want. If you want to booty until the sun comes up, tell him. If you want to cuddle by a fire, tell him. When a guy knows he can better accomodate to you. Plus as an added bonus, he'll look forward to the time that he spend with you and he'll want to be there with you more. They dont just know, they have to be told. And told and told and told..... and eventually, he'll take the lead and all you do is sit back and enjoy the ride..

 hi,

i'm married to a guy that everyone says is the nicest guy on earth.  he's the kind of guy who would leave the house late at night when he has to wake up at 3 the next morning for work, just to pick up a friend or drive them somewhere.  i spoke to him about the endless traffic of guys that come over to our house ever single day, and all he says is that he's spending more time with them because we're moving to texas in a couple of months, and he's trying to spend as much time with them as possible before he goes.  the problem with his friends visiting, is that they all spend all day and night in their "game room," which is a room my husband designed to be his hang out place for him and his friends.  he used to leave work and go hang out with his friends, and not even have the decency to call...i'm the one who had to call him to find out where he is, and that's when he'll say he's with his friends.  he's in the navy and there was one day when he had returned from being out to sea for about a week, and instead of coming straight home to his wife and daughter when he returned, he went straight to a friend's house and didn't come home til after ten at night.  if he's not there, he spends all night in the game room playing video games and i don't get to spend any quality time with him anyway.  he won't even spend time with his daughter because he's hanging out with his friends.  he'll ask me to make dinner for him and all his friends, but won't watch the baby while i cook, because it interfears with him and his friends playing video games.  he'll sit her in her high chair in the living room cause she's making too much noise and bothering him while he's with his friends.  so i'm supposed to cook for him, his friends, and watch the baby at the same time...the nerve!  if he's out, he'll come home late, and when he does get home, he's too tired and wants to go to bed cause he has to wake up early the next day for work, and my daughter and i still don't get to spend time with him.  his friends are constantly texting him at home, including one girl in particular, who's friends with him and the other guys.  she's was always texting him to give her a ride to work in the morning, cause she doesn't have a car.  and one saturday night, the night before easter sunday to be exact, she calls him after ten at night to ask him for a ride to a bar about half an hour to forty five minutes away from where we live.  i think it's extremely inappropiate for a single woman, to call a married man that late on a saturday night to drive you to a bar, as if he has nothing better to do than to drive her around everywhere...or better yet, as if she thinks that he wouldn't be spending time with his family.  i also have issues with the way that he show's barely any attention to me.  everytime i try to be affectionate, he pushes me away.  he either tells me to move over, or he tells me that i'm suffocating him because i'm following him everywhere, when all i really wanted to do was sit next to him so i can spend a little quality time with him.  he confessed to me that when we started dating, i had a really nice body, but that after i had our daughter, my body doesn't look as nice as it used to.  he says that he's always been  a little curious to see what one of our best friends, a female, looks like naked because he thinks that she has such a perfect body and he wonders if she has a flaw somewhere because she looks too perfect.  to make matters worst, he talked about how when she was pregnant with her daughter, she didn't even look pregnant at all, and she had no stretch marks, and how immediately after giving birth, she looked like she never even had a baby...perfect as always.  he admitted that he sometimes wishes that i had her body.  and he also admitted that if my body looked the way it is now when he first met me, he would've still found me attractive but he wouldn't have been with me or dated me...it hurt my feelings so bad.  to make matters worse, i told my husband how it bothered me that he said that, and he responded by saying that he should have known not to say something to me, that i trapped him into admitting it, and that he should've know that i was trapping him.  I thought, "is that all he cares about?"  to think that my husband is more concerned that he was trapped or tricked into admitting the truth about how he really feels, than he was about actually hurting my feelings.  and when we all go out with friends, whom are also married, i see the guys showing affection to their wives...my husband doesn't even kiss me or hold my hand in public.  when we're alone, he pushes me away or tells me to quit bugging him, showing me little or no affection either.  and the only time he shows me any affection at home, is if he wants to have sex.  he's attentive and affectionate during sex, but when it's over, he's back to himself.  my self esteem is really low because i hate how my body looks, and i want to loose weight.  i'm not overweight at all, but i don't like the way my body looks cuase i have stretch marks and cellulite and a stomach, and i have a husband who doesn't like my body either, and compares me to our best friend.  maybe i'm reading too much into everything, but it's all been bothering me for so long, and i just needed to get it off my chest.

It is understandable that your husband’s words and actions hurt you. What is really troubling is that he isn’t willing to consider that your complaints are true, and he isn’t willing to change anything; he just expects you to deal with it. Please know that you are the strongest female role model that your child will ever have; it is up to you to teach her, by modeling for her, what “normal” is. Right now, if your husband’s actions continue, your child will learn that it is ‘normal’ for a man to disrespect his wife and treat her badly; she will grow up, seek out a mate, and repeat this toxic cycle for herself. If you can’t find the strength to demand positive changes for yourself, then think of your child, and what she deserves out of life.

A good place to begin making positive changes in your marriage is to begin marriage counseling. Because you are moving, it will probably be difficult to do that, so I highly suggest reading Dr. Phil’s book, “relationship rescue.” Also, the book called “Self Matters” by Dr. Phil is very good and I suggest that you read it. That book can be helpful for you to learn how to not allow people to have the power to make you feel badly- for example, your husband makes you feel badly about your body when he makes negative comments. He doesn’t deserve to have control over your personal power, and the book can be helpful for you to learn how to change that behavior. You will never be able to change him, the only person that you have the power to change is you, so that is where you’ve got to start making changes. I wish you the best!

I’m wondering what people feel about lost passion after many years of marriage or living together.  My girlfriend told me about this site for married www.findnewpassion.com where I’ve read people postings. I was shocked! I don’t think it’s possible that all these men and women are jerks; I feel that something does happen when you’re together for a long time. What are your thoughts?

 

My husband recently told me that he's not sure if he loves me anymore. What should i do? I think he feels this way because we really don't have time to do things together since we have a 3 year old son and he's in the Air Force. He usually comes home eats,plays on the computer and then goes to bed.