Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

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April 22, 2008, 7:38 pm PDT

how do i win her back

i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a at a year or more then suddenly last night she told me that she did'nt love me anymore liked she used to,she said she didn't have anytime for me anymore because she was too busy with other things like her job,school,friends and her mother and she has another 4 years of college and she doesn't think i will wait on but her i told i would no matter what and there a slight age diifference between us too her being 19 and being 34 but that sholudn't matter if you love another,she at first said the age difference didn't bother here and i also told her about into a week of us dating i told i wold stop dating if see was uncomfortable with this and she said was alright with it and a year and a half she tells me she doesn't love me anymore but i stillhave feelings for here and i still love what should i do can anyone help please

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hammerofbob

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sad

April 28, 2008, 5:23 pm PDT

Too young for my wife?

My wife is ten years older than I am - I'm 45. My wife has had back pain and problems as long as I've known her and has been receiving excellent care from pain specialists for the last five or six years. We haven't had a "good" sexual relationship for many years, but about 4 years ago she lost all interest.

We've virtually lived like roommates for the last few years. About a year ago I finally just stopped any attempts to revive our sex life; I gave up. She realized that something had changed months later and started making token attempts to please me, though she refuses to discuss matters with a doctor or therapist.

I feel like she belongs with a 65 or 75 year-old man, and I'm just depressed. As long as I'm with her, honoring our marriage vows, my sex life is over at 45.

To make things worse, I work at a college. I see healthy, happy young women every day, and I'm so frustrated I just want to put my fist through the nearest wall.

So, how's your day? :-)

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barbara0123

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April 30, 2008, 3:07 pm PDT

lost passion

It’s easy to be a judge. And it’s easy to give an advice on what you’re not supposed to do. I’m a married woman and many of my friends are missing passion and excitement in our life. Is it a midlife crisis or is it just a reality of married life? My girlfriend told me about www.findnewpassion.com website. I was shocked to see how many people want a spark back to their life. Are all of them liars or we’re trying to please spouses, children, live under obligations and pretend to be happy and satisfied?

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mustbecrazy

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May 1, 2008, 10:11 am PDT

best friends

Quote From: barbara0123

Its easy to be a judge. And its easy to give an advice on what youre not supposed to do. Im a married woman and many of my friends are missing passion and excitement in our life. Is it a midlife crisis or is it just a reality of married life? My girlfriend told me about www.findnewpassion.com website. I was shocked to see how many people want a spark back to their life. Are all of them liars or were trying to please spouses, children, live under obligations and pretend to be happy and satisfied?

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. We are best friends...thank God for that!! We stopped having sex about 10 years ago...we've had a few feeble attempts, but I've pretty much lost interest, and my husband...well, I'm afraid he'll have a stroke or heart attack during sex...he has to "work" so hard at it that I'm afraid he'll burst a blood vessel...I had a hysterectomy with ovary removal two years ago, and recent thyroid surgery...things "down there" just aren't working they way they used to....I'm sure that hormones play a definite role in the libido...I have no doubt about that.

Plus, having kids...that definitely changes things...they do take a lot of time and energy...it takes a real effort to get any time for US. Our "dates" consist of watching TV together on the couch, or leaving the kids home while we go to the hardware store together, and maybe a stop at Costco for a bit of lunch. Actually, I love going to the hardware store with him...any time I get, I treasure...

We are totally committed to each other...neither of us has ever cheated on the other...never even considered it...I'm happy and satisfied, truely...but some *spark* might be nice...I've forgotten what that's like. No pretending here...

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emjae41

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May 4, 2008, 2:48 am PDT

what can I do??

My husband and I have been married for 22 years, we have never had a normal sex life within our marriage. I used to cry my self to sleep at night, because if I would try to get something going he would always push me away. Well, it just got worse over the years. We have talked about it and he says that he just has never had a normal sex drive. I asked him to see a doctor, he did, the doctor gave him medications after medications that did not help. Well, I would catch him on-line looking at porn, and Needless to say I found out when he was telling me, it's not you honey it's me, that wasn't totally true. One day he made a commit that watching me have his children grossed him out and the thought of having sex with me wasn't the same after that. Then at another time many years ago he got mad at me one night for trying to get something going and made the commit that he can't even snuggle with me, because I always try to put my moves on him. That hurt me so bad. It has made me so insecure that I stopped even trying. It has been once in 7 years, then before that it was 5 to 6 years. I turned to sleep aids so I could just get in bed and sleep, so he would not have to worry about me trying anything. Or I stay up and watch T.V. until I fall asleep on the sofa. Well, he started complaining about me not going to bed with him, if I fell asleep on the sofa he would be mad at me the next day. He would say how lonely I make him feel etc... So, I try to sleep in the same bed. Well, after so many years of this it caused so many other problems over the years. To much to go into right now. Now, he Say's he is just unhappy, that HE has tried everything he knows to do and nothing has gotten better. Now that our children are grown, he says he wants to go on with his life and find some one that he has more in common with and that will appreciate him. I guess our marriage is over, I don't know what to do. So I put an application in for an apartment etc... If anyone has any advise that might help me save my marriage before it's to late, PLEASE HELP.

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mustbecrazy

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May 5, 2008, 11:44 am PDT

marriage help

Quote From: emjae41

My husband and I have been married for 22 years, we have never had a normal sex life within our marriage. I used to cry my self to sleep at night, because if I would try to get something going he would always push me away. Well, it just got worse over the years. We have talked about it and he says that he just has never had a normal sex drive. I asked him to see a doctor, he did, the doctor gave him medications after medications that did not help. Well, I would catch him on-line looking at porn, and Needless to say I found out when he was telling me, it's not you honey it's me, that wasn't totally true. One day he made a commit that watching me have his children grossed him out and the thought of having sex with me wasn't the same after that. Then at another time many years ago he got mad at me one night for trying to get something going and made the commit that he can't even snuggle with me, because I always try to put my moves on him. That hurt me so bad. It has made me so insecure that I stopped even trying. It has been once in 7 years, then before that it was 5 to 6 years. I turned to sleep aids so I could just get in bed and sleep, so he would not have to worry about me trying anything. Or I stay up and watch T.V. until I fall asleep on the sofa. Well, he started complaining about me not going to bed with him, if I fell asleep on the sofa he would be mad at me the next day. He would say how lonely I make him feel etc... So, I try to sleep in the same bed. Well, after so many years of this it caused so many other problems over the years. To much to go into right now. Now, he Say's he is just unhappy, that HE has tried everything he knows to do and nothing has gotten better. Now that our children are grown, he says he wants to go on with his life and find some one that he has more in common with and that will appreciate him. I guess our marriage is over, I don't know what to do. So I put an application in for an apartment etc... If anyone has any advise that might help me save my marriage before it's to late, PLEASE HELP.

Have you and your husband considered marriage counseling?? I think that any reputable divorce attorney would have you try marriage counseling before jumping ship...but maybe there is just too much hurt to repair the damage...I don't know your individual situation...but it's worth a try before giving up...

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jaimie1974

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May 5, 2008, 1:01 pm PDT

advice

Quote From: emjae41

My husband and I have been married for 22 years, we have never had a normal sex life within our marriage. I used to cry my self to sleep at night, because if I would try to get something going he would always push me away. Well, it just got worse over the years. We have talked about it and he says that he just has never had a normal sex drive. I asked him to see a doctor, he did, the doctor gave him medications after medications that did not help. Well, I would catch him on-line looking at porn, and Needless to say I found out when he was telling me, it's not you honey it's me, that wasn't totally true. One day he made a commit that watching me have his children grossed him out and the thought of having sex with me wasn't the same after that. Then at another time many years ago he got mad at me one night for trying to get something going and made the commit that he can't even snuggle with me, because I always try to put my moves on him. That hurt me so bad. It has made me so insecure that I stopped even trying. It has been once in 7 years, then before that it was 5 to 6 years. I turned to sleep aids so I could just get in bed and sleep, so he would not have to worry about me trying anything. Or I stay up and watch T.V. until I fall asleep on the sofa. Well, he started complaining about me not going to bed with him, if I fell asleep on the sofa he would be mad at me the next day. He would say how lonely I make him feel etc... So, I try to sleep in the same bed. Well, after so many years of this it caused so many other problems over the years. To much to go into right now. Now, he Say's he is just unhappy, that HE has tried everything he knows to do and nothing has gotten better. Now that our children are grown, he says he wants to go on with his life and find some one that he has more in common with and that will appreciate him. I guess our marriage is over, I don't know what to do. So I put an application in for an apartment etc... If anyone has any advise that might help me save my marriage before it's to late, PLEASE HELP.

This must be so painful for you, I can’t imagine. My advice to you is to seek professional therapy ASAP for yourself alone. You need and deserve a ‘soft’ place to fall, to have an unbiased person listen to your thoughts and feelings and then give you honest, helpful advice/guidance. This will help you move forward and live a happy, healthy life. I know that it is scary to think of not being married, even though it isn’t a perfect marriage- the thought of the unknown creates anxiety- but you can experience more happiness then you’ve ever known if you give yourself the gift of professional help. I sounds like you’ve tried your best in this marriage, but it is time to go your separate ways. Let him be the one to initiate any divorce/separation stuff; meanwhile, you begin focusing on YOU. Along with therapy, you need to be kind to yourself; be your own best friend. Take time every day to do something that is just for you, even if it is just reading a book or taking a ten minute walk- just to focus on YOU. There is nothing you can do or say that will change your husband, he has to want to change. He doesn’t want to, he hasn’t wanted to for 22 years. Twenty two years of trying to ‘make’ him happy, that is enough- its time to find out what will create happiness for YOU, its time to find your passion in life! I wish you the very best, that is what you deserve!

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jaimie1974

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May 5, 2008, 1:13 pm PDT

To biggame32---

Quote From: biggame32

i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a at a year or more then suddenly last night she told me that she did'nt love me anymore liked she used to,she said she didn't have anytime for me anymore because she was too busy with other things like her job,school,friends and her mother and she has another 4 years of college and she doesn't think i will wait on but her i told i would no matter what and there a slight age diifference between us too her being 19 and being 34 but that sholudn't matter if you love another,she at first said the age difference didn't bother here and i also told her about into a week of us dating i told i wold stop dating if see was uncomfortable with this and she said was alright with it and a year and a half she tells me she doesn't love me anymore but i stillhave feelings for here and i still love what should i do can anyone help please

If you are 34 and she is 19, that is MORE then a ‘slight’ age difference. You have had life experience that she simply hasn’t had yet, and although you have love for her, you’ve got to let go. Let her grow into the wonderful, educated young woman that she is meant to be. She is doing her best to be honest with you; it can’t be easy to tell a person that you don’t have love for them any longer. But she is doing the right thing by telling you that. She wants to fully enjoy these years while she can, because they don’t last forever.
She is telling you that she has social interests that take up her time- her friends, a job, her family; you have to make peace with this information and let go. Don’t become an obsessive stalker ex-boyfriend; have more dignity then that. You will move forward and love again, give yourself some time to heal. I know that it hurts to hear that she doesn’t love you anymore, but at the same time, you should feel glad that she was woman enough to communicate that to you- there are people who are too immature at that age to break up in a respectable way so instead they sleep around and get caught on purpose. This young woman isn’t like that, she is communicating with you in a dignified way, and you have to respect what she has to say, respect yourself, and move forward. I wish you the best.

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mommyb219

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May 7, 2008, 4:20 pm PDT

no sex? only married for 2yrs

My husband and I have only been married for 2years. we were together for 3years before that. I had our 2CD child ( I have other children from a previous marriage) together in Jan 2006. I gained 60lbs during that pregnancy. I have been unable to loose the last 40lbs.

Before my last pregnancy and even for a few months after our baby, our sex life was good! We didn't have sex everyday, but 2 or 3 times a week.

All of a sudden, once or twice a month if I lucky and it's not like before. He is having a problem getting an erection, or just getting excited about it at all. I've asked him if it was the weight gain and he assures me that it is NOT. Also his last 2 relationships were with large woman (even bigger than I am now) So I know he finds larger woman attractive.

Today I was outside his work, I went to kiss him and he just gave me a peck. It was like he was embarrassed that I was his wife? I was so hurt!

He says I imagining it, but I know I'm not! It's hard not to be angry, because if he could have long relationships with women that were 275lbs plus, why all of a sudden would me at 200lbs be a turn off? I am trying to loose the weight (for me, long before this) but I'm not being very successful. Any other Ideas? I love my husband. But I can't imagine not having sex again. Or knowing my husband stopped wanting me b/c I gained some weight laying down and giving him children! What if something bad was to happen? like I was paralyzed or burned in a fire? I need to know he's here for better or worse, fat or thin!

any advice would be greatly appreciated.

~mommyB

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julia10

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May 9, 2008, 7:46 am PDT