Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

This is my first time posting. I love and adore my husband though he’s become a stranger to me and I’m afraid to approach him because our relationship has become so strained and this hurts my heart. I miss him and us terribly. Both my husband and I are in our late 30’s have been together for 12 years married for 6. We have one child.

My heart hurts. I feel lonely, rejected and alone and for the first time in my relationship unsure of our future. We have been having intimacy issues for some time. I have brought it up to him many times over the course of our marriage- he always said that he didn’t see a problem and that it was my issue. He said that he didn’t have the drive I had or the desire that I should just accept it. Lately, things have gotten worse. I questioned him a few weeks ago about this large disconnect that I feel between us. He said that he was feeling it as well. He said that he never thought that he’d ever be married and that he’s feeling smothered? What does smothered mean? Went on to say that we’ve been together for a long time and maybe we need some professional help to figure this out. (I had suggested that for years and he always said no).

He recently spoke with his doctor and is going to see someone. I can’t even speak to him about it? He tells me not to worry about it- that he’ll handle it.

So, why do I still feel lost, unsure and worried? I should feel comfort in the fact that he’s taken steps for our relationship…right?

I should be involved in the process as well not just sitting back and waiting for him to handle it. He’s shut me out.

Can anyone shed any light? Does sex therapy/ marriage couselling help put marriages on the right track?

Hurting

Yes we have considered it, but we have no medical insurance and the places that I have called in our home town have waiting list that are very long.  I have prayed daily and at least I do have him talking to me now.  When I put an application in for an apartment, I guess he figured out that he was fixing to lose me, neither one of us want to give up, (at least that's what he told me) I do know that our marriage didn't get this way over night, so I figure it won't be fixed over night.  It's very hard for me, when it comes to the physical contact, I'm scared to even hug my own husband much less anything else.  He says that he wants our marriage to get better also, he would like for us to go out and do things, I'm all for that, but when it comes right down to getting him out the door, there is always some reason why we can't go that night, etc... Then when we do try to talk about things, he has a very different point of view. If he thinks he is right about something there is no changing his mind, so most talks get us no where fast. Either I just agree so he won't get mad at me, or if I don't agree and stand my ground then he says I never understand him, even after all these years and that hurts him, but sometimes he is very harsh in his judgments and he can get very loud and worked up if I try to have a simple conversation.  He is supposed to be on medication for his mental problems, but he has stopped taking it and I can't convince him that he really needs to be back on it.

Can anyone please tell me does Sex Therapy really work? Does it help you get to the root of the problem and help you get through it so you can experience intimacy again. My marriage has come to this and my husband has been reffered to a sex therapist. by his family doctor ?? I just want to know ...can all the feelings and passion come back again with a therapists help and advice?

Most insurance companies don't cover marriage counseling.  They would cover individual counseling, in the case of mental illness, or other psych diagnosis.

Talking is a start...try to keep the communication lines open...talk every day...

As far as counseling...can you go to your pastor?  Some churches offer marriage counseling.  Also, there are marriage conferences all over the US...maybe one in your area soon?  One place to check for church-affiliated marriage seminars is www.plr.org  They are based in the Northwest, but they might have links for finding info in your area. 

We have been married for 27 years, and we don't always share the same point of view...sometimes, you have to agree to disagree...pick your battles carefully...if it's a small thing...something that won't make a difference in 5 years, let it go...it's not worth the arguement...

Something you might try, for getting your husband out on a date with you is to meet him somewhere after work...if he has a regular work schedule, so you know what time he gets off...then you avoid the "trying to get him out the door" problem because he is already out the door.

People with a mental illness can be stubborn about taking their meds...I have bipolar disorder, and it took a long time to convince me to stay on my meds after feeling "better"...I now know, through experience, that I MUST stay on my meds always...for life...If his prescriptions are current, go pick up his meds, so you have them on hand.  Then, insist that he take them every day, as prescribed, if he wants to save the marriage...his mental illness probably isn't helping the situation at all...I was pretty hard to live with, without meds...I don't know how my husband "survived" it...we are both very committed to our marriage and to each other...he has chronic depression...without his meds, he would also be impossible to live with...

I hope that you can find the help that you need, and that your husband will start taking his meds again...things will get a whole lot better...Becky

We've been to counseling...both individual, and as a couple...ANY therapy is helpful...sex counseling focuses on the sexual intimacy issues, but also on the marriage in general...because many sexual problems are not about the sex at all...yes, the passion and romance CAN come back again...counseling will definitely help...we didn't see a sex therapist, just a general therapist, but it was very helpful in the bedroom too...intimacy is more than sex...it is sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with each other...things we wouldn't share with anybody else...

Currently, we both have health problems that prevent a normal sex life...but marriage isn't about the sex...thank goodness for that!!  We are best friends, and we enjoy each other's company...and we can survive it when we get on each other's nerves...LOL

Go and get the counseling...you'll be happy you did...Becky

YES...counseling does a world of good...don't wait for your husband to get around to it...schedule an appointment, and tell him when and where...lovingly, of course...

Also, you might consider individual counseling, in addition to the marriage counseling...it is important to know how to handle the hurt, and to evaluate yourself...you can learn new ways to communicate with your husband, and learn a lot about yourself...a counselor can shed new light on issues in your life...

Make the call...and soon...Becky

AGAIN...my last 3 posts have said it all...COUNSELING...

You obviously have some individual issues about your weight...and your own self-image...get some individual counseling...find out what it is that YOU want for yourself...also, try reading a couple of Dr. Phil's books..."Self Matters", and his book on losing weight...learn to accept yourself just as you are...

And if your husband is having issues with erection, maybe he should see his doctor...

Becky

thanks Becky. This is very encouraging. What type of issues did you and your husband have to seek a therapist that helped you? Just trying to keep from going crazy..all I can think of are our intimacy issues. I'm afraid it can't be repaired. Hopeful though after your e-mail.

I just finished a long post to you, and I was "booted" out to the log in screen!!  arrrg!!!  I hate it when that happens...so I'll start over...

When my husband and I went to counseling, there were individual issues that we both had to work out for ourselves, with the help of counseling...I have bipolar disorder, plus I was sexually abused as a child...my husband was raised in a single-parent household, with an over-protective mom, who bad-mouthed his dad at every opportunity...the issues that we worked on together were about PRODUCTIVE COMMUNICATION...saying exactly what's on our minds (without being hurtful)...It is so easy to carry around a lot of hurt and resentment, that build up over time...re-hashing old issues that were never dealt with...and those old hurts make the current issues seem so much bigger...

Intimacy is so much more than just the sex...intimacy is communication...every day communication...telling things to each other that you wouldn't share with anybody else...trusting each other to keep it confidential...not holding those things against each other in times of anger...

When we first got married (over 27 years ago), we did a lot of silent treatment and slamming doors when we were angry...not really resolving our issues...and they built up for the next time...in counseling, we both learned individually to say what we mean, and mean what we say...

My husband was taken aback the first time I DIDN'T say "I don't know, what do you want to do?", when he asked me what we should do for the day...Instead, I told him what I wanted to do...he grudgingly went along with it that day...and he eventually learned NOT to ask me that unless he wants me to pick where we are going...if he has something already in mind, he will say so...

And, we can trust each other to give honest (not hurtful) opinions...If I ask "does this outfit make me look fat?"...I can expect an honest answer...because, yes, some outfits ARE unflattering, and shouldn't be worn in public...LOL...

And we learned TOLERANCE...that's a biggie...face it, we all do things that annoy our spouses...but we don't have to blow up about it...sometimes holding our tounges is the best action...if something NEEDS to be said, it should be said without being insulting or hurtful...TACTFULLY...how would you handle it if a co-worker or neighbor were annoying?  Would you yell?  I hope not...so why do so many people NOT give the same respect to their spouses?...I don't know...we had to learn it...treat those you love the best with as much respect as you would treat a friend...

My husband and I are best friends...we have to be...we have survived 27 years...many hardships...we've faced huge health issues together (depression and diabetes, plus multiple other issues for my husband...bipolar disorder, breast cancer, heart problems and multiple other issues for me...heart problems and multiple other issues with the kids)...we've survived three boys (ages 19, 14, and 10), and believe me, kids can put a damper on the sex life...we've survived his meddling mom, and my meddling sister...major financial disasters...job loss...and the good times...sometimes we fail to recognize what the "good times" are...good times are sometimes defined as "mundane times", when nothing bad is happening...we are very committed to each other...we are best friends...

There are some words that should NEVER left un-spoken...we say "I LOVE YOU" every day...all day...when we get up...when he leaves for work...when we call each other...when he gets home...when we go to bed...and just because...those words are very powerful...and NOT saying them is equally powerful...and never let the sun go down on your anger...oh so true...

With all of that said, are we perfect?  Do we NEVER get angry or yell?  Certainly NOT...we have our moments...but we get over it...usually an arguement stems from somebody's grouchy mood (usually his...LOL)...and if it won't matter in 5 years, it's not worth getting upset over...not worth fighting over...and if it is really something we disagree on, we either negotiate, or agree to disagree...and hold our tongues if the issue isn't life-changing...and know when to speak our minds when it is important...

That doesn't mean that we are "door mats" to each  other...we have deep love and respect for each other...that only comes from living through hardships, and learning the loving way to communicate with each other...

So intimacy may be at the heart of it, but look at everything that you do and say to each other...it all affects the "bedroom attitude"...

Plus, any reputable sex counselor, or marriage counselor would recommend a thorough medical check up for both of you...there are so many things that can interfere with intimacy...hormones, prostate (men), thyroid, depression...so many things that only a doctor could diagnose...and some docs won't ask about the sex, so it is up to you to bring it up...it is an uncomfortable subject, but that's what the doctor is there for...to help diagnose and treat any physical problems that might exist...

OK, I've probably given WAY more info than you wanted...it wasn't anything specific that we discussed in counseling...mainly working on our communication skills...we were quite young when we got married...I was 19, and my husband was 21...we had a lot to learn...

Becky