I may have something to offer here. My wife and I were in a similar situation. I too was acting like you husband. For me it was because I was tired. Tired of being the shoulder, responsible for everything, tired of feeling like I was not providing enough. My wife is also a stay at home mom. She felt like I did not appreciate her, that I did not respect her position, that I did not think the things she did were important. I was going through depression basically and I "did not know how I felt". That is the part that caught my attention. Here is what happened for us. We went to counceling. The solution for us was communication. We had to start appreciating each other as people. We started with thank you, how can I help you and how was your day. You something else that sounded familiar. You said that he did not want to listen to stuff about the kids. The truth of the matter is, that is important to you. You need to talk about your day, no matter how unimportant you think it might be. It gets you talking with each other. If you do not have a freindship with him enough to talk about the little things, how could you possible handle talking about the big things? My gut feeling is that he is dealing with some stress, self-image issues, or just plain does not know how to feel good about himself any longer. Men and woman both need their egos boosted once and a while and need to feel like what they are doing is worthy and important to someone. That being said you have a couple of choices to make. Use this letter. Tell him that you really want to work things out. Tell him that you are thinking of leaving, but that you know in your heart that that is not the right thing to do. Tell him that you want to become freinds again by talking.
He needs to look at himself, find self worth (you can help be complimenting and be appreciative to him), and deal with his demons head on. He has issues of his own. Use the guidelines on this site for "Fighting Fair". Tell him you care about hearing about what he needs and you will work with him.
You need to look at yourself and realize a few things of your own. You are not just the "stay home mom". You are a person and a woman with feelings. You have needs like everyone else. He is not fullfilling those needs. What you do during the day IS important, because it is what you do to find self worth. By talking with him about your day, you continue to strenghthen the freindship bond of your relationship. If you say you are going to be supportive, be supportive. Let him get our what he needs to say, and you do the same thing. One of you has to be the understanding person first, to set the example to the other person for their turn.
The only other advice I have for you is: Do not talk with your mom, freinds, family, etc... and say anything to them that you should be saying to your husband. If you are finding comfort elsewhere, you may be extending the time that you are unhappy because you are not dealing with it with him like you should be. The best advice anyone can give is "you should not be talking with me about that, you should be talking with him". If you need some advice on how to handle something, then ask advice. If you are dumping your feelings, that should be for his ears only.
It sounds to me like you all have alot to lose. You are going through what everyone in a marriage and in life have gone through. Life has changed. You have kids, new responsibilites, less hubby/wife time, less sex due to kids around, more headaches, learning to fight fairly because there are kids, learning how to discipline together, etc... You have opened a new chapter in life and sometimes, people do not know how to handle it. That is what happened with us. But we realized that we had the strength all along. It was in our hearts and we were much stronger together than apart. We just needed to learn how to do it together. It starts with you and him being the best freinds you can be so that you BOTH feel like you have the appreciation and support of each other all the time. Hope this helps.
