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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Number of Replies: 1032
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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September 25, 2006, 7:20 pm CDT

is there hope

 

I have been married 13 years and have three children 10, 6 and 9 months.  I feel good posting because I do not want to wear my family and friends out with the same topic of IS HE EVER GONNA CHANGE?  Currently, he is a student (which is great); however, he has chosen to be a full time student.  He was somewhat fired from his job as a musician.  He went to school to become a care for the elderly.  He wants to go to school in hopes of becoming a doctor.  I think this is a great goal.  He is realistic to think that if he doesn't make it that he can always teach or something like that.  I think it is fantastic but, I am feeling resentful.  I thought going to school would mean going part time and working the other part.  He works about 8 hours a week and takes occasional side jobs as a musician- he turns some jobs down because he wants to study.  He is doing well and making all As.  I feel he is getting a bit caught up in the student life-world.  He tries real hard to create study groups, wants to go play tennis or ball.  Some of these new found friends are female.  This makes me resentful as when I was going through grad school, I was made to feel like an adulterous - there was a guy in our cohort and my husband was extremely jealous.  I had to do a project with him and took my son when meeting with him to make my husband feel better.  While going through school, my kids came first.  I made Bs when they could have been As because being a mother was priority.  He puts school before EVERYTHING.  He is at school now taking a music class (jamming out with friends) for scholarship money that is promised but never given.  He practices with a music group on another night of the week (they have played together as a band three times.  Now, he met a girl after class.  I found emails thanking him for studying, I need help on this lab and so on. 

So what this means to me is, he is taking extra time out of the family to "help" others which I can't help to question his motive.  The other day he spent about 6 hours with a friend from school because his friend was depressed.  Meanwhile, I do the dishes (he occasionally helps), I pay the bills, I care for the kids, I take out the trash.  His clothes are all over the floor. 

He loves his kids but, can also be ugly and critical of them.  I sometimes wonder if we are better off without eachother.  Apparently in his mind, I bring him down.  Quite frankly, I probably do because I have a hard time being excited about what he is doing.  Yes, it will benefit us all in 10 years but, meanwhile I am holding everything up and tired.  I can't stand when he tells me he is tired.  I feel like yelling "from what!" 

Thanks for listening. 

 
September 26, 2006, 3:54 am CDT

Two years in

I don't know what to do about my relationship, we aren't even married but our physical relationship is strained. I quit smoking seven months ago and have gone up two dress sizes, which doesn't make my self-esteem high, however I don't believe I am over-weight and nor does my doctor. I can't help but feel like my partner is no longer atracted to me. I think he may be a little bit supperficial. I find people attractive through their personality, I think he rates people on attractiveness through their physical appearance. He tells me I am beautiful and he trys to show me love with gifts, but I don't believe it. Am I being insecure or am I being intuitive????

 

 
September 26, 2006, 7:38 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: pnklmnad03

  I'm so sad. I've been married for 12 years and we are near divorce. I feel like he has put a wall between us and I can't get through. There has been no intamacy in months. No togetherness. He says I want him to be someone he's not but I only ask for honesty, respect, and affection. He told me he's all out of it. I can't figure out when we went wrong. How do I get back inside his heart? We have 3 young kids and never any alone time. Even if we were alone I'm not sure how we would react to one another. I truly want my marriage to work. Just don't know where to start.

 It sounds like I could of written the last part of your post. My husband and I have 3 children as well, ages 6,4 and 20 months. It seemed like we were in a rut, argued every day after our anniversary until 2 days ago. It gave me this awful feeling that he didn't want to be here anymore and that there was just too much pressure for him now. I just turned the TV off one night and I poured my heart out to him. When he saw how much hurt I was in from all the crap that had  been going on between us, he took a second look at how he was treating me. We don't have the time or money to go out on dates (no matter how much I would love to!!) We instead make special dinner nights... we will make the kids something and then after they go to bed we make something special for us. Sometimes we eat by candle light. It has given me the feeling that I am special to this man and he is willing to meet me half way. I would try to start with after the kids go to bed, turn the TV off and just talk about your day with each other. You will be surprised how much you will be able to talk about just by asking "How was your day?"
 
September 26, 2006, 9:00 am CDT

I know how you feel

I,VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 12 YEARS AND HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL KIDS

MY HUSBAND IS SO BUSY WORKING HIS MANAGEMENT JOB 5 DAYS A WEEK AND HIS SNAKE BUISNESS WHICH SEEMS LIKE A 24 HOUR JOB BETWEEN THE E-MAILS AND PHONE CALLS AND TRAVELING FOR BOTH JOBS HIS KENDO AND KARATA .

HE IS SO BUSY TRYING TO PROVIDE US WITH WHATEVER WE WANT THAT I FEEL I'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND I FIND MYSELF CRYING IN BED BESIDE HIM WISHING WE HAD THAT CONNECTION WE USED TO HAVE . WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE WE ARE GROWING EMOTIONALLY APART AND IT'S TEARING ME UP INSIDE.

ME AND MY HUSBAND WERE SOUL MATES WE ARE STILL DEEPLY INLOVE WITH EACH OTHER , WHAT DO I DO?

 
September 26, 2006, 9:42 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: rebeccatol

 It sounds like I could of written the last part of your post. My husband and I have 3 children as well, ages 6,4 and 20 months. It seemed like we were in a rut, argued every day after our anniversary until 2 days ago. It gave me this awful feeling that he didn't want to be here anymore and that there was just too much pressure for him now. I just turned the TV off one night and I poured my heart out to him. When he saw how much hurt I was in from all the crap that had  been going on between us, he took a second look at how he was treating me. We don't have the time or money to go out on dates (no matter how much I would love to!!) We instead make special dinner nights... we will make the kids something and then after they go to bed we make something special for us. Sometimes we eat by candle light. It has given me the feeling that I am special to this man and he is willing to meet me half way. I would try to start with after the kids go to bed, turn the TV off and just talk about your day with each other. You will be surprised how much you will be able to talk about just by asking "How was your day?"
Actually I have poured my heart out to him and it seems I can't get through anymore. When we do talk it's only about what he done at work which makes it difficult sense I'm a stay home mom. Who wants to here about kids you know. It would be much easier if I did not care. At least that's what I think. I can't seem to reach that soft place in him anymore so I tend to ignore it all until I can no longer handle all the hurt and disappointment. Our 12 year anniversay was earlier this month nad it was awful. We did not even celebrate. I know he loves me. I just can't get him to show me anymore. He said that after 12 years je should'nt have to that I should know it. How do I get him to see he is about to lose his family?
 
September 26, 2006, 1:07 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: pnklmnad03

Actually I have poured my heart out to him and it seems I can't get through anymore. When we do talk it's only about what he done at work which makes it difficult sense I'm a stay home mom. Who wants to here about kids you know. It would be much easier if I did not care. At least that's what I think. I can't seem to reach that soft place in him anymore so I tend to ignore it all until I can no longer handle all the hurt and disappointment. Our 12 year anniversay was earlier this month nad it was awful. We did not even celebrate. I know he loves me. I just can't get him to show me anymore. He said that after 12 years je should'nt have to that I should know it. How do I get him to see he is about to lose his family?
I too am a stay at home mom!! It sounds like we have alot in common. May I ask where you live??  I live just south of Austin, Texas.

Maybe the best way for him to see it is to actually do it. Do you have anyone that you can stay with for a weekend or something? Maybe he just thinks that you won't leave and therefore he doesn't have to be the man you married. I think its awful that you are feeling the way you do. I wish I could offer you more, but all I can honestly offer is friendship. Please feel free to email me if you ever just want to talk. My address can be found on my profile page.  :-)
 
September 26, 2006, 3:03 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: rebeccatol

I too am a stay at home mom!! It sounds like we have alot in common. May I ask where you live??  I live just south of Austin, Texas.

Maybe the best way for him to see it is to actually do it. Do you have anyone that you can stay with for a weekend or something? Maybe he just thinks that you won't leave and therefore he doesn't have to be the man you married. I think its awful that you are feeling the way you do. I wish I could offer you more, but all I can honestly offer is friendship. Please feel free to email me if you ever just want to talk. My address can be found on my profile page.  :-)
I live in South Ga and I do have family about an hour away. Honestly I have given us till the weekend to see some effort and it's just not happening. I have already made plans to stay with my parents but in no way am I looking forward to that !!  I hate putting my kids through that and have been thinking today that maybe I should just put a wall between us and stop trying. It's so hard to be a strong enough person to make those kind of changes. My oldest son is in kindergarten and it will mean taking him out of school. I would surely have to look for work and I'm not an outgoing person at all. I really am so torn I think my heart can't take much more. He says he does not want me to leave but his actions scream that he wants me gone. At least that's how I am taking it. I told my mom I wish someone would tell me what to do and make it easy. I wonder am I asking to much of him? I also wonder will he even care if I did leave. Thanks so much for offering frienship. I know it gets old dumping on my mom all the time and she tends to see things from a mothers perspective and I am her little girl. I wish he would remember back to how hard we tried to get pregnant and all the years of waiting to start our family to end like this is killing me.
 
September 26, 2006, 5:45 pm CDT

understand

Quote From: pnklmnad03

I live in South Ga and I do have family about an hour away. Honestly I have given us till the weekend to see some effort and it's just not happening. I have already made plans to stay with my parents but in no way am I looking forward to that !!  I hate putting my kids through that and have been thinking today that maybe I should just put a wall between us and stop trying. It's so hard to be a strong enough person to make those kind of changes. My oldest son is in kindergarten and it will mean taking him out of school. I would surely have to look for work and I'm not an outgoing person at all. I really am so torn I think my heart can't take much more. He says he does not want me to leave but his actions scream that he wants me gone. At least that's how I am taking it. I told my mom I wish someone would tell me what to do and make it easy. I wonder am I asking to much of him? I also wonder will he even care if I did leave. Thanks so much for offering frienship. I know it gets old dumping on my mom all the time and she tends to see things from a mothers perspective and I am her little girl. I wish he would remember back to how hard we tried to get pregnant and all the years of waiting to start our family to end like this is killing me.

a long time ago i had to make a decision to leave i did it without hesatation because i wanted what was best for my children.  i was fortunate to have them because they kept me focused on keeping a roof over our heads, and food on the table.  i am not going to tell you the answer because i am in a situation now that i wish someone would tell me what to do to, but the fact of the matter is sometimes we have to allow ourselves to figure it out.  you have children and yes

what you do will affect them, but this i can say to you if you decide to keep it permanent, there is

always a way.  i was a single parent for 16 years, living in california.  we made it and my children and i are close my oldest is a manager at mervyns, and my middle daughter owns a restaurant, they are very productive.   i wish i had answers for you, but i know about feeling that you cant take it anymore,  my husband now cheated on me, and i may have to find a job, cant find anything over 5 dollars an hour. oh well this is about you not me, i just want you to know that i am willing to listening and offer any help that i can.  talking to someone and maybe helping you, i can also help myself.  it really does help just talking.    have you considered counseling?    know about the mom thing  i dump on mine to but she has gone from concern to telling me what to do, she still means well.     my prayers are with you

 
September 26, 2006, 8:43 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: dancer222

a long time ago i had to make a decision to leave i did it without hesatation because i wanted what was best for my children.  i was fortunate to have them because they kept me focused on keeping a roof over our heads, and food on the table.  i am not going to tell you the answer because i am in a situation now that i wish someone would tell me what to do to, but the fact of the matter is sometimes we have to allow ourselves to figure it out.  you have children and yes

what you do will affect them, but this i can say to you if you decide to keep it permanent, there is

always a way.  i was a single parent for 16 years, living in california.  we made it and my children and i are close my oldest is a manager at mervyns, and my middle daughter owns a restaurant, they are very productive.   i wish i had answers for you, but i know about feeling that you cant take it anymore,  my husband now cheated on me, and i may have to find a job, cant find anything over 5 dollars an hour. oh well this is about you not me, i just want you to know that i am willing to listening and offer any help that i can.  talking to someone and maybe helping you, i can also help myself.  it really does help just talking.    have you considered counseling?    know about the mom thing  i dump on mine to but she has gone from concern to telling me what to do, she still means well.     my prayers are with you

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?
 
September 27, 2006, 5:31 am CDT

Communicate?

Quote From: pnklmnad03

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?

I may have something to offer here.  My wife and I were in a similar situation.  I too was acting like you husband.  For me it was because I was tired.  Tired of being the shoulder, responsible for everything, tired of feeling like I was not providing enough.  My wife is also a stay at home mom.  She felt like I did not appreciate her, that I did not respect her position, that I did not think the things she did were important.  I was going through depression basically and I "did not know how I felt".  That is the part that caught my attention.  Here is what happened for us.  We went to counceling.  The solution for us was communication.  We had to start appreciating each other as people.  We started with thank you, how can I help you and how was your day.  You something else that sounded familiar.  You said that he did not want to listen to stuff about the kids.  The truth of the matter is, that is important to you.  You need to talk about your day, no matter how unimportant you think it might be.  It gets you talking with each other.  If you do not have a freindship with him enough to talk about the little things, how could you possible handle talking about the big things?  My gut feeling is that he is dealing with some stress, self-image issues, or just plain does not know how to feel good about himself any longer.  Men and woman both need their egos boosted once and a while and need to feel like what they are doing is worthy and important to someone.  That being said you have a couple of choices to make.  Use this letter.  Tell him that you really want to work things out.  Tell him that you are thinking of leaving, but that you know in your heart that that is not the right thing to do.  Tell him that you want to become freinds again by talking.

He needs to look at himself, find self worth (you can help be complimenting and be appreciative to him), and deal with his demons head on.  He has issues of his own.  Use the guidelines on this site for "Fighting Fair".  Tell him you care about hearing about what he needs and you will work with him.

You need to look at yourself and realize a few things of your own.  You are not just the "stay home mom".  You are a person and a woman with feelings.  You have needs like everyone else.  He is not fullfilling those needs.  What you do during the day IS important, because it is what you do to find self worth.  By talking with him about your day, you continue to strenghthen the freindship bond of your relationship.  If you say you are going to be supportive, be supportive.  Let him get our what he needs to say, and you do the same thing.  One of you has to be the understanding person first, to set the example to the other person for their turn.

The only other advice I have for you is:  Do not talk with your mom, freinds, family, etc... and say anything to them that you should be saying to your husband.  If you are finding comfort elsewhere, you may be extending the time that you are unhappy because you are not dealing with it with him like you should be.  The best advice anyone can give is "you should not be talking with me about that, you should be talking with him".  If you need some advice on how to handle something, then ask advice.  If you are dumping your feelings, that should be for his ears only.

It sounds to me like you all have alot to lose.  You are going through what everyone in a marriage and in life have gone through.  Life has changed.  You have kids, new responsibilites, less hubby/wife time, less sex due to kids around, more headaches, learning to fight fairly because there are kids, learning how to discipline together, etc...  You have opened a new chapter in life and sometimes, people do not know how to handle it.  That is what happened with us.  But we realized that we had the strength all along.  It was in our hearts and we were much stronger together than apart.  We just needed to learn how to do it together.  It starts with you and him being the best freinds you can be so that you BOTH feel like you have the appreciation and support of each other all the time.  Hope this helps.

 
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