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Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Number of Replies: 1032
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:03:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Has the fire gone out in your love life? Share your ways to reignite romance in your relationship.

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September 29, 2006, 5:15 pm CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: melissa261979

well after typing my whole post my finger slipped and I accidently closed the whole window so I here I go again.  My ex and I who dated for a year but split up back in the summer are expecting our first child on sunday.  He left town and moved 4 hours away because he freaked out, while he was gone he told me he was in love with someone else.  He came back about two wks ago and admitted to cheating on me with his ex gf back before the summer even began.  I agreed to put the past in the past and start fresh with him if he was willing to.  He agreed but said he cant commit to me right now because he needs to work on himself.  I said thats fine but in the meantime we've been sleeping together, spending every day together, and he's even been sleeping over.

He makes a habit of saying everyday that he is not ready to be with someone and he doesnt see that changing anytime soon, he's even mentioned that he plans on living with his parents for a while.  Am I stupid for being in love with this guy and trying to work things out?  I mean I do everything for him and now im starting to feel like im just being used.  He swears that he isnt out to break my heart and he wants more than anything to prove to me that he is a better person and that he just wants the chance.  Im giving him the chance but it feels like everytime I turn around he's throwing it in my face that we arent together and we're not going to be together for a while still.

We're having our baby on sunday he is going to be in the delivery room, and he has also said that he is going to be here everyday after work, spending the night and everything.  So please tell me what is the difference of all this and us not having the title of a couple?

Am I stupid for sticking by him?

First off...Congratulations on your Baby!!!....

 

My Baby just got her drivers liscense...don't blink...the years go by quickly...and don't youo just *hate* when you loose an entire post by clickiing in the wrong spot??...UGh...but anyway...

 

Are you stupid?....absolutely not kiddo...in fact...you have to stop even reffering to yourself that way from now on. The words *I*, and *Stupid* should never be in the same sentence...o.k.?

 

Here is the thing with your guy...He is not ready...not even friggin close. He is telling you this, and you still seem to want him to change his mind. He has to *give* you his heart. You can't coerce it from him. Let him live his life, and in the meantimne...make sure to live yours. Whatever direction your relationship takes will at least then be operating from the premise of honesty.

 

I know you are haiving a baby...so I am not talking about anytime too soon...but you need to date...If he can't commit, that is his choice and you shouldn't make him apologize for his feelings...but in the meantime *YOU* deserve to live your life to the fullest.

 

Good luck there, kiddo...to both of you

 

 

 
September 30, 2006, 9:14 pm CDT

My Husband Has No Idea Who I Am

I am newly married, been together for about three years. You would think my husband would know plenty about me...however he doesnt. He always asks what i want for special occassions. Also, when i ask him what he thinks about me....All i get is that I'm sweet. I ask what else...nothing comes to his mind but a similar word for nice. How can I get him to see ME??
 
October 1, 2006, 6:18 am CDT

Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Quote From: lost_88

I am newly married, been together for about three years. You would think my husband would know plenty about me...however he doesnt. He always asks what i want for special occassions. Also, when i ask him what he thinks about me....All i get is that I'm sweet. I ask what else...nothing comes to his mind but a similar word for nice. How can I get him to see ME??

hi there. 

3 years i think is still a newly wed, lol, 3 yrs into a marriage is still all new, no matter how long u've known each other, imo.

i have been married for 10 years & with my husband for 14 years, so i have a little experience, lol.  u'd be surprised at how many years it really takes to know a person inside & out.  plus as we go through life things about us change, including tastes as well as personal things.  in the husbands defence, they find it very difficult to keep up.  the things we find detrimental to us, can be pretty trivial to them, it's not really their fault, it's the cromozone they're born with, lmao. 

 just cut to the chase & be straight with ur husband about how u feel about the way he treats the special occasions.  even go so far as to tell him what u want from ur marriage on all levels. 

 just keep the lines of communication open, make it easy for him & don't sit & let these things fester, it only gets worse if u do. 

don't forget, dropping hints are great too.  good luck

 
October 3, 2006, 1:11 pm CDT

Trying to save true love,without taking her "space"

My fiance.... well ex-fiance now, and I met 4 years ago and,at first became friends, then fell in love. We knew,at the time, we were to be together forever. We moved in together and started our life. Over the next few years, we build our life together like any typical couple would, joint bank account, 2 cars, and eventually we had 2 children, 1 girl and 1 boy. We had our ups and downs but were able to get through them. I was married,but separated for 2 years, when we 1st met. after 1 year I began the divorce papers,but because of financial problems didn't complete them. Well, 3 1/2 years later, before the birth of our son, who is 9 months now, she told me she wanted us to be a real family and wanted me to finish he paperwork, before our 4 year anniverary together, so we could marry. This was in july of 2005. After our son's birth, in january. She reminded me again, I told her I would, and forgot. She had told me 2 years earlier,when our daughter was born, that she considered me her husband and she was my wife. the papers could wait. That's why I forgot, well our financial problems got worst, we argued more, spoke to each other less. We were spending more time working and raising the kids, then with each other. It got worst, she would be going to school(college)in the morning and working late nights. I works grave shift(12am-8am) and watch the 2 kids during the afternoon, i would get 3-4 hrs sleep a day. The only time i would talk to her was for sex, which she was too tired to do. (I understand now,then at the time..sex wasn't important in relationship). I never got the papers done. she told me she wasn't happy and wanted to separate. angery, i agreed and moved out. My fiance's mother offered me the money to finish the papers and I said "no". That convinced her that I wasn't really going to marry her. 4 months later, She is living a single mothers life and I finally got divorce papers done and living single.  Problem is: I am still deeply and truly in-love with her, but she is not in-love with me and wants her space for now. I tried to change her mind by talking and convincing her that i want us to be a family and live my life with her forever. The only thing I have done was push her away from me further and caused a strain in our relationship. She told me," take care of yourself and the kids and maybe later we will see what happens, if it's meant to be it will happen." I know in her mind it's over, but I don't want to lose her... How do I give her space,but at the same time, slowly win her back... I truly believe she is my soulmate.... I important factor, I am 11 years older then her. I'm 37 and she's 26.. please help me save my life with her.
 
October 3, 2006, 5:27 pm CDT

Mixed Emotions

     I have been dating someone for about a year. We openly spoke  and agreed to be in a monogamous and committed relationship with each other. He was vrey romantic in the beginningt, then when he got comfortable  I found myself  having to ask him for things that he did in the begining of the relationship. His response was "Did I think by me repeating myself would make him change". I  let him know that  I can't change anyone but myself. We went on vacation & I had to leave him him there. To get back @ me he chose to have a drink with another female in the same bowling alley the same night we bowled together. When we did get a chance to talk, he claims it was a good platonic friend, & that he knew the whole family. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.  I have mixed emotions about what to do because  I really care for this individual. He still contacts me & talks like he still wants a future with me . I would liked very much to reignite the romance in th relationship, but having  a hard time getting past how he responded to what I did... Help any advice is greatly appreciated ....     

 

 

 

Cindi    

 
October 5, 2006, 8:42 am CDT

Confused husband

Just 5 weeks after giving birth to our first child my husband of 4 yrs tells me he is not happy and feels like something is missing in our marriage. He says he can not see himself growing old with me and can't see himself being a family man.  Oh ya, he says he loves me and is in love with me.  What the heck is going on inside my husband's head?  He says he's been unhappy for a long time, but why did he wait so long and after we had a baby?  He says he doesn't know why he feels the way he does.  I feel hurt, anger, confused, and deceived.  What do I do????
 
October 5, 2006, 6:04 pm CDT

Talking is very good.

Quote From: healthnut23

Just 5 weeks after giving birth to our first child my husband of 4 yrs tells me he is not happy and feels like something is missing in our marriage. He says he can not see himself growing old with me and can't see himself being a family man.  Oh ya, he says he loves me and is in love with me.  What the heck is going on inside my husband's head?  He says he's been unhappy for a long time, but why did he wait so long and after we had a baby?  He says he doesn't know why he feels the way he does.  I feel hurt, anger, confused, and deceived.  What do I do????

It looks like your husband has allowed the pressures of grown up life to cave in on himself. 

 

Some times the perception of the male role in family is unrealistic.  In other words his vision or mind picture of what’s expected of him is distorted because his view or attitude toward love, intimacy, sex, finances or some other self image may be distorted.  Attitude drives behavior and is learned.  Only he can change or relearn his attitudes and his feelings will change with it.

 

He may not trust himself and is in need of careful review of where his feelings are coming from. Some people have difficulty connecting the source of their feelings. If you can provide him a safe place to honestly and openly do some detective work on his feelings then you both should see a growth spurt in your relationship. If not then call in a respected professional relationship specialist who can.

 

As long as he is willing to talk to you about it there is a good chance he’ll find the root cause of his feelings.  Hope this helps.

 
October 6, 2006, 7:22 am CDT

Reigniting Romance

I find being married to my husband of 11 years, that reigniting romance in our relationship is not something that is based solely on sex or whether or not I look good in the bedroom. I am not skinny,and nor am I perfect. But I am beautiful to my husband and fun to talk to with people on a daily basis, or so I hear. Romance isnt about sex. Romance can be anything from a letter in a mail or a card to say I love you. When my husband is home, and not at sea which can be anywhere from a month to as long as 9 months as we are one of the many familys supporting our spouses and family members as they go to support the freedoms, and keep the terrorists at bay while serving their country in the Armed Forces, I keep the romance going in many ways. I share "coffee time" with him, which usually when he is home is a cup of fresh coffee, and conversation, whether its about the stress of what may affect our future, or periodic concerns for our familys, when he is not, it is a long letter or an email, that I write to him as though he was right there beside me. I also sit and talk to him about my day, especially the highlighs of our children. If we have sex, great. We usually do up to four times a week when he is home. When he isnt home, I grab a good book and fall asleep reading. So maybe its just me, but if a person has romance and sex confused for the same thing, they may need to reevaluate just exactly what they really want the concept of romance to mean.
 
October 6, 2006, 9:39 am CDT

Where do I go from here...

My husband of 1 year, well we have been living together for 2 years but married in June of last year.  Moving forward...when we were dating and then when I moved in with him, everything was great, sex, conversation, everything.  Then about 3 months ago, things started to change.  He blames it on his medication, however he has been on the meds for about 6 months, so for four months our sex life was still great, meaning it was very regular 2-3 times a week.  Now it is barely 3 times a month.  I think that maybe I want it too much, but my desire for sex has not changed, it is his that has changed and I don't know why.  I have not gained weight, nothing has changed, that I see.  I love my husband so much and I give him all of the attention in the world.  We hold hands, we kiss, we tell each other "I love you" hourly.  It is just our sex life that is lacking.  I feel like it is me, because he will say things like "look at the butt on her", or just today, I asked what he wanted for his birthday and he said a threesome, he knows that things like that make me upset and he does it on purpose, because he will say, I was just joking or I wanted to make you mad...but could their be some truth to this, could it be that he wants someone else or something else in our marriage. Porn is no longer an issue, we had that talk when I first moved in and he doesn't look at any longer...that I know of.  About 2 weeks ago, I used his cell phone and there was a picture of an half naked women on it, it was a downloaded picture (not one that he had taken) and I told him that it made me feel insecure, and like he wanted someone else so he, took it off.  Should I have done that, did I force something that I shouldn't have?

 

 How do I go about getting the sex life back that we had?  Could it be that I am reading to much into this and it is nothing?  Maybe it is the age difference, maybe I expect to much from him, he is 38 and I am 24.  I love him so much and I would never do anything to push him away and I am so scared that if I keep wanting sex and asking him or initiating it, then I will push him away and he will get to the point where we are never intimate at all. Please give me any advice that you might have.

 

Thanks so much

 
October 6, 2006, 12:06 pm CDT

Troubled romance

     My fiance & I have been together for 2 years, between us both we have 6 kids.  The only time we have all 6 is everyother weekend.  For the past few months we have been arguing alot but it is always money, or ther lack of.  We know that we need to work more on our relationship &  we have gotten caught up in all of the mundane day to day things.  He works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week.  I know he is tired.  I try all I can to make things easier when he gets home...I have the house cleaned, kids homework done or almost there, & dinner is either ready or almost.  He says that he loves me very much & he says that it is all him.  I know in a relationship that it takes two but everytime I try to get him to speak his mind he just says that he knows I am trying but it is him.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Last night I opened up to him about something I had kept a secret for 3 years.  Actually he knew but didn't know the true reason.  I told him last night, which was not easy.  Instead of being supportive & understanding, like a best friend should have been, he got upset with me for not telling him in the beginning.  I tried getting him to see the bigger picture but he couldn't get past that.  He left for work this morning with out telling me he loved me, goody-bye, or even giving me a kiss.  Now I wonder if he can get past it.  I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
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