Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

sounds like you need to talk to each other about the real problems in your lives.  if you both value the relationship this shouldn't be hard.  however we all have times when a professional third party could help( a therapist) just someone who can help keep us on track and offer guidance.  no one should feel degraded by another.  this does not help and actually makes us feel worse about ourselves, which leads to a self fullfilling prophecy, (WE EAT MORE).  we all have our ways of coping most of us do unhealthy things.  we can all make different choices however.  we can choose to eat healthier, excercise more, etc.  Most of all, Choose to treat ourselves better and not let someone treat us badly.  make the changes you feel are right for yourself. you will feel better and see how that changes your relationship.  good luck/god bless

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married.  Its been three years now, and we're lucky if we even try to have sex once every three months.  It was never "good."

 

The reason for this is my fault.

 

In the beginning it took him forever to finish.  To the point I would get a cramp.

 

I came to hate sex.  It hurt and obviously my husband was not attracted to me enough to be able to finish.

 

Now, on the rare occassions when we do try, he can't stay hard. 

 

I really hate sex now. 

 

Whether its my fault because I'm not attractive (and since I don't even weigh 125 at 5'4" I'm not overweight) or because my fear has killed his confidence, I know without a doubt that its my fault.

 

So, I'm a failure as a wife.  I feel doomed to a sexless (and therefore childless) marriage.  Part of me wants out - but feels horrible for even thinking that over something as shallow as sex.

 

I desperately need help!

First off, a guy finishing is not dependent on attractiveness of his partners!  Second, there are so many factors that are involved in healthy love making. Each partner must be involved. If one is tuned out for what ever reason it will only be good for one and that it won't be that good. If my wife is not satisfied then I'm not. Sex can not be a selfish act and still be satisfying. You need to learn what each other wants and likes. If you are unexperienced then it can be an adventure learning about each other. Sex between a husband and a wife should be a wonderful thing but it has  to be mutual.

Another  problem is the lack of foreplay sometimes. This is where you can learn about your partner. Make a night of it. Instead of just going after it, play around, have fun. Sometimes this can go on for 45 min to an hour or more. You have to relax and be comfortable with one another. There are so many resources out there either on the Internet or in book form that can help.

You are not a failure!!!! Sex is not shallow!! It is very important in a marriage. It the closest most intimate thing you can do. When it is good you will know it. Get to know your husband and let him get to know you.  It sounds like neither of you have experience and have never been taught. This is such a wonderful thing that you can learn and grow together with.

Talk to him about it. Sometimes it is uncomfortable talking about it. But you are married this is a natural part of that marriage. You have to discuss it or it will go nowhere.

I hope I have been some help. Good luck.

I guess part of what you're saying is kind of part of the problem.  My husband, after a failed attempt, told me that it was important to him that he know that even when its not successfully finished that its good for me.  Any hope I had shattered in that moment.  Am I supposed to lie and say that it is, when the fact of the matter is that that failure devastates me so much that the physical pleasure is completely negated.  I NEED it to be mutual.  For me that is a requirement.  And yet, he needs to know that its good even if its not mutual.

 

Perhaps, I need some resources then.  Because foreplay is usually just stimulating each other.  While it feels good, it eventually gets boring. 

 

I'm terrified.  He's told me that confidence is the problem.  How can I possibly honestly broach the subject when I know that there is nothing I can say that will not further hurt his confidence.

 

Sex has become a thing of dread for me.  And I don't know how to talk to him about it that would not make it worse.  I'm just not sure I can take any more failure or guilt.

 

(I should note that my husband claims that this is not my fault at all, and does nothing intentionally to make me feel guilty.)

 My husband's sex fantacy is oral sex while I'm having problems doing it for him. He often complains that why he can and enjoys doing it for me but not I to him. He likes porn great deal and likes the way they're having sex while I was curious at the beginning and soon started feeling disgusting and degrading about it. He has the same sex fantacy before and now, while he's losing his feeling to me, he started asking me more and more times to kiss his penis though I refuse it as usual. Also he's trying to ask me to ask him to kiss me and tell him that I like it though each time I refused to say so.  Even when I told him not to oral sex to me he still insists doing it. He told me he's going to move out this July. I'm just so curious why he becomes so look like pleasing me sexually while he wants this relationship be finished? He knows that I don't want the split since it would mean harder life for me to take care of the kids alone while working full time. Is this the way he's expressing his sorry as he may still wants to deal with the same female he poured his feelings onto last year and he wants me take care the kids? Or he just wants to win over me through sex and feeling he can conquer me so he can finally feel some pride over the dealing with me? I feel him cheap as the way he can throw himself onto another handy female too easy and too quick. No matter how much I don't want to see this marriage ending, I never want to please him sexually though I do have better and more sex with him than before. I can work hard, do almost all the houswork and always the one getting up during the night for my little boy. But both he and I myself failed to convince me that I should please him sexually and kiss his penis. I do feel sad about him and I tried not to resent him no matter we stay or split. I told him I can and will try to be good to him no matter what's the ending and hoping him can be nice to me too. Though I tried a lot to understand him, still I feel I don't understand him enough. He was very nice to me before and often the one telling me he loves me while I barely said same thing. In the past he often said that he felt lucky to only have me for life while the recently year he's not saying so any more, instead sometimes he's saying that he would feel missing something in his life if I'm the only woman he can have sex. I feel him very different now and then. I do feel sorry that I've been critical to him. Is he really a different guy or he's just reacting for my years of critical behaviour? Is that kissing his penis really that important and it can save our marriage?

Well, you really should not have to lie about how you feel. This is a problem and it will never be resolved while the honesty is breached. I know that it is tough to talk about this because it is such a sensitive subject. But it has to be done if you ever want to have a good sex life. When you say " he needs to know that its good even if its not mutual, concerns me. what will happen is that he will be satisfied with what he's doing and will not be motivated to change. He is believing a lie. He thinks that everything is OK, so why change. And this is changeable.

Regarding not knowing how to talk to him about it. You have to talk to him just the same way you would talk about any other issue that may come up in the marriage. But you have to be very caring and loving when you talk about it.

Just a question, does he have confidence issues in other areas? If so would there be a way to build his confidence in other ways? This might be something to consider.

You also mentioned foreplay being boring. That is sad. A lot of times that's better that the sex itself. There are so many ways to make it fun and exciting. But I know the routine. You lay there and rub each other. Yeah, that's boring. There are games, costumes, toys, food, you name it it can be used. Some people feel that is dirty and not right. But that couldn't be further from the truth. You are married and this is a beautiful thing that you do together. Have fun!

You asked about resources, I will try to relay some to you.

Good luck and just talk to him.

 

The quote you gave, was what he told me.  I did tell him that that was not the case.  That I needed mutuality.  I did not go into the details of how much it hurt me when it was not, he felt bad enough.  But I did tell him that I could not tell him what he needed to hear, because it was simply not true. 

 

What I meant by pointing that out his need to know that its good for me even when its not mutual (ie, that its good for me even if he doesn't finish or get physical pleasure out of it) was that I lost hope in that moment.  When he told me that he needs to know that he had done good by me, even when sex itself has failed, I wanted to cry.  Because in that moment, I realized that we were up the creek without a paddle.

 

I already feel like a failure as a woman.  I guess I'm just afraid to make him feel like a failure as a man too.

Ok, sorry I guess I misunderstood . But you are not up the creek with out a paddle, you just have to find the paddle.  Also, Please don't judge your success of a woman or a man on this. If you do then your confidence level will suffer. I don't know how you two are together in everyday life but intimacy needs to take place outside of the bedroom too. I'm not talking about sexual intimacy but in your relationship. Sexual problems sometimes occur due to other issues in the marriage. I know that in my own marriage when I wasn't there emotionally for my wife, she could not perform or even feel like having sex. It took working on other parts of the marriage to fix things. Don't feel like a failure. You are looking in the wrong place to set this standard. I wish i could be more help. I'm only going from my own experiences. You may need to focus on other things at this time. Sex is important but it's not the most important factor in marriage. You have to love your husband and he had to love you.  I want to suggest a program that has helped me and my wife tremendously. Now I am not selling this and I receive nothing from them. I just know it works if you do the program. Go to mortfertel.com , the program is called Marriage Fitness. It is wonderful. There are 5 CDs and it costs about $50. It is worth much more. His program will help solve almost and marital issue if you follow it. Let me know how things go.

Yeah, I guess I can see how what I said could seem like it was the other way around.  But that statement did make me lose all hope.

 

I know I have started to pull back, but it was because of the failure in sex.  I began to feel that every time he touched me, it was an invitation to sex - and that was the last thing I wanted!  I actually do think that sex is the problem in our relationship - though it might have become a self-perpuating problem that has lead to other issues.

Ok, I'm going to get personal. So you don't have to answer if you don't want to. You can answer them to yourself. I really don't need to know. These questions are for you to ask yourself. If you want to answer do not give me details. I don't want to sound like a perv. So yes and no answers would be best. Ok, here goes:

 

Have you explored yourself to know what you like?

Do you know what feels good to you?

What are your expectations of your sexual relationship?

Do you know what you would like from your husband?

Have you described to him what you would like from him?

Do you know your husbands expectations of your sexual relationship?

Have you explained what makes you feel good?

Do you know what makes your husband feel good?

Have you asked him what he would like?

Will he tell you what he enjoys?

How do you feel about sex in general? Not just with your husband but the concept of it.

What do you think the purpose of sex is? Is it just for procreation or are there other benefits?

What does your husband think the purpose of sex is? Same as above.

Have you asked your husband look into enhancement medication? There are also natural remedies that really work.

 

These are questions that you need to know about you and your husband. This will also help speak to your husband about the subject. It will at least get you talking about sex and you may learn something about your husband and about yourself. Other than communication with your spouse it may help to get some counseling for this.There has been some damage done and you will need help dealing with this. If you have any questions please let me know. I know that this is important for a relationship and my wish is for everyone to have a phenomenal sex life.

 

I-Guy