Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Hi, this seems like a great place to say what I am ashamed to say to anyone I know. I have been with my husband for 14 years married 9 yrs. all kids are grown and gone on both sides. The last 31/2 have been the worst. I don't know what happened, I ask, I get  nothings happened. My husband stopped making love to me and any kind of intermacy at all.. I have tried to talk but he says he doesn't  know why. he makes promises to me and never keeps them, he says I will show I will stop doing this, I will prove to you that I love and I will show you.  I wait,  I have  been waiting for over 3 yrs.  I am so hurt by this, i cry when he sleeps and when hes not arouund . I have not gained weight I take care of myself, its just the opposite, my husband does not seem to take care of anything, (yard, house, himself). I have begged and pleaded to go for a check up, hasn't been in 5 yrs or to go and talk to someone, the only answer i get is,  there nothing wrong with me .He says over and over there is nothing wrong. He swears he loves me, but its hard for me to see when I feel this lonely all the time. All I want is to have him hold me  and to make love to me like he did for 11 years. He doesn't go anywhere other than work and home, It probaly would give me an answer If he were having an affair, but he calls me many times in the day and I call any time I want. All I know this is not  what I thought  being in my 50's would be like. I so crave to have someone just to hold me.  if anyone has any suggestion they are so welcomed.

I am writing this message because it helps me to get stuff off my chest ,when there's no one to talk to. I've been married for 21 years and have 3 children.  I married him when I was 19 years, so I've pretty much have only known one man in my entire life. The last two years have been hell. He's very angry all the time and I know it has to do with the finances and I our relationship. He's always been suicidal and has therapy sessions twice a month. I've lived through this with him and excepted  him because I fell in love with him and promised I would never leave him. 9 months ago I discovered he was having an affair and things just got worst from there. He blames me for the affair and says I send him to this other woman. He blames for the finances and says I never helped him with the bills, which is something I don't agree with. He lost his mother 8 years ago and his father 1 year ago and that has changed him drastically.  He had a rough childhood and I don't think he's ever gotten over it and now seems very angry and takes it out on me.  I also found out 2 years ago that I have MS and I don't think he's coped with that very well.  I've apologized for anything and everything that I've done wrong, but he just informed me that he doesn't love me romantically anymore.  I pray and try to keep hope that he will one day love me again, like he did 21 years ago.  I don't believe that he can give up on our marriage so easily. I also don't believe that these therapy sessions have helped him. I want to just leave the past in the past and learn how to communicate with him better, but I don't think he's willing to meet me half way. There's so much more I can write, but I'll be here all day.  I listen to Dr. Phil all the time and wonder if I should just give up on my marriage. Please help!

This sounds somewhat similar to what my now ex wife and I were going thru, however it was not really about the sex but intimacy, tenderness and feeling wanted.  We had been together for 10 yrs and essentially in the last 5 years the above was lacking.  We have 2 boys 5 and 7 whom we adore.  I tried to address the issues many times and in different ways ie talking and letters but to no avail.  The excuses were always 'I don't feel good about myself', I'm tired', 'I'm just wrapped up with the kids' etc and there was always the promise of change which never eventuated.  I believe that I was a caring, supportive and passionate husband who made the effort to make my wife feel special and beautiful.  In return I felt more and more like a border in my own home.  The result was that I became angry and sad and my ego and self esteem took a severe battering.  Unfortunately after many years and attempts to make this sad situation better I ended up taking the wrong path a had an affair with a woman who gave me all the things I craved in abundance.  It lead to the ruin of my marriage.  Today I am still angry with my ex.  We have been apart for 2mths.  She says that she still loves me and wants us to be together but has done little or nothing to deal with her issues..  My point is you truely need to take a close look at what the issues are and have a serious no holds barred discussion about them.  Seek individual counselling and then marriage counsel together.  For the sake of your marriage and your kids pull out all the stops or you will end up in the same boat as us ... angry, sad, hurt and alone. 

Good luck.

I thank you for your words of wisdom.  I can't say that that I think I can make his suicidal event sgo away, but you would think it'd get better after 21 years.  I have found myself apologizing just so that he can have a good day.  He's worked in retail for over 29 years and the first 27 years, he worked worked with over 30 woman a day, but I never felt jeolous nor threathen by any of these woman because he always made me #1. Since he started inhis new company, the past 2 years have been hell.  I do believe he has a lot of emotional problems and they go back to his parents and his child hood. He doesn't agree with me, but I believe that the love he should have received from his parents, he has been trying to get from me. I can only love him has his wife, not his mother.  I did speak up about the whole respect thing and asking him to come to the table with 100% willing ness to work at this marriage and instead it backfired on me.  He took the speaking up as me demanding stuff from him and wanting to control him. we did everything together and there was never a comment or question about him spending time alone. Now all of a sudden he wants to spend time with new friends (unmarried) every other week and I should have no say so about it.  He's based a big part of our marriage on sex and I don't understand that.  There are so many reasons, why didn't want to have sex all the time. A lot came from being afraid that he'd be gone any day. It was always scaring and lonely at the same time.  I thank you for your advice and God Bless you and your family