Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

I'm right where you are right now. My wife got depressed after the birth of our daughter 9 years ago and we've had sex less than 10 times since then. She just isn't interested in sex or in my sex drive. I masturbate 1-3 times a week, looking at pictures I took of her and her big breasts. That's my sex life now. I was still attracted for about 8 years but this last year I lost any attraction to her at all. She just seems like a big (gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy, never lost it), selfish woman now. I didn't mind her size for 8 years, but now it's just a big turn off. I guess after being rejected and denied sex for so long, I don't find her attractive any more.

 

I don't have the answer, bro, but you're not alone.

I was warned that separating marks the end of a marriage. The relief one gets just from not having to struggle in a relationship oftentimes makes it hard to return to the marriage, not to mention that "space" oftentimes mean's "room to see other women/men". We've scheduled counseling. I won't separate until I know it's already over. But that's just me.

Even though we are not living together right now, we do have a relationship. We talk pretty much every day, attend church together on Sundays, go out to lunch/dinner (sometimes with, sometimes without the kids), and other times, like Saturday night, he comes over and we watch a movie together. I think for us it is best to be apart and getting along well before attempting counseling.

Love yourself, no matter what the weight.  My husband put on 70 pounds. I see him no different.  In fact, I love his belly.  He still amuses me. He still is attractive. He is still the same man, just more of him.

 

There is nothing he could do to turn me off. 

 

I put on weight too.  He says he sees me no different.  Both of us turned heads before the weight gain.  We both still do, because we are confident and that attracts others. 

 

Make the weight loss for other reasons than to hold onto a man.  Looks fade in time.  Love shouldn't.

wife works way too much i end up to kep busy focus on my other passions  golf etc. we almost split up and have a had a very slow rconciliation, it was almost firing on al cylinders but it slowed down and has been sweet too each pther over the last few years but not romantic, reason being my wifes personality is she wants me too initiate reassure reach out first for a while then she come forward when its right for her, instead of both of us going for it and being a team. this low moving etc put me iin a scared mode and bummed out so i just jogged a lot golfed etc on weekends to keep busy while she worked late or did whatever in the weekend morinings. i have been ready to pop out of my skin and say lets stop this standoff i love you .but sadly i have been waiting on her to take the initiative because its always about her readdiness. so as a result after a few years like this she finally said this has gone on too long how do you feel. i told her i have love dher all along i just have been holding back in fear and she said the same thing.

sadly thoug she says its gone on too long. we have had many good talks about how we can correct our wrong habits. its like we both finally see things clear now.  i told her i dont wanna divorce, 20 yrs together .

she isnt saying much she is doing the thinking about it thing, i think some friends have her her side and dont know all of it and have gave her the idea we should end it.   ho wcan i waht should io do, i have just trying to focus on her and i as i want to and be solid. i am trying t o do waht i can without being pushy at all.  i think us splitting will be giving up . i told her she is who i want to be with,   any tips?

Ok here it goes. I have never posted on a message board in my entire life and I am really not sure I should be doing it now.  I am just so confused and I don't know where to turn for help.  My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years.  A couple of months ago, we both realized things weren't all that peachy between us.  Now I am not a real touchy feely person so we never really snuggled alot but lately, I would say this past year, there has been no affection.  Now don't get me wrong, we have sex 1-2 times a week.  But my husband likes ALOT of affection.  Holding hands, smooching, stuff like that.  And I really don't like doing those things.  So for 12 years I guess I just let him grope me and now I am pulling away from it because I have never really liked it.   Now here is the part where I know I sound like a bitch but I can't help it.  I have this husband who says he adores me, and can't keep his hands off of me and the more he touches and caresses me the more I want to scream.  We have sex 1-2 times a week but he says he wants me to like it more.  He is very considerate and tries to take care of me and make me feel good, but the more romantic he gets the quicker I want him to finish up.  He gets mad when I fake it and he gets mad when i have sex with him when I don't want to.  I don't ever want to have sex.  He is still very attractive but I am not feeling it.  I am not attracted to anyone else either.  It hurts me that I am hurting him but I don't know what else to do.  If I honor what I am feeling and try to figure it out he will be extremely upset.  If I just keep on pretending then I am making myself miserable.  I don't think it has anything to do with sex, it has to do with how i feel about myself.  How do I make these feelings go away or make him understand how I feel without hurting him deeply.  Because if he told me he wanted to scream everytime I made love to him I would be deeply hurt, so how do I do this without losing my mind.  Some one please advise.

When I first met my husband he did the same exact things to me. I had no space and no privacy

and all he did was suffocate me so much with touchy feely all day long. Anyway; In my case

we went to counseling and I told my husband to stop doing it. It was so annoying and all.

Well; Turns out a few years later after that was straightened out my husband (now ex) started

to become controlling and verbally abusive. We are now  divorced.
I am not implying that this is happening to you but you need to tell your hubby how you feel and maybe get a third party involved as to tell your hubby that this is not the way you perceive a relationship and that you need space and not have him all over you all of the time.

Do you think its an insecurity and control issue? Sometimes men and women are so insecure that they smother the other person. It is not about you but about how he crosses the boundaries. You are going to have to set some boundaries with him and he should be able to honor them if he loves you.

Maybe there is something else going on in the relationship.

I am sorry if I crossed the line here with you but this is from my experience and that is what I am

going by.

Good Luck

 

 

No don't be sorry at all.  I appreciate the input.  I just don't know who to ask anymore.  I am not a big fan of therapists and he has said on many occassions that he won't go to counseling.  We have just started talking about how to get closer but you know everytime we start the conversation it ends up to be a conversation about sex.  So now I don't even want to start the conversations.  This has nothing to do with sex.  I have told him at least three times now that maybe I don't get excited when he touches me because he is ALWAYS touching me.  And guess who was groping me in the kitchen this morning.  I don't know it seems the more I try to figure out what we should do the more I don't want to anything.  Anyway thank you for your input and support and if you don't mind me asking, how long were you married?  Just because I am wondering why its bothering me now when he has been doing this all along.  Thanks again

Sounds like your hubby has been doing this a long time and you are fed up with it which is truly understandable;  and boy I was only married ten years but

my ex would grope me all of the time in the first or second year of marriage. I couldnt stand it but

I was lucky that my ex went to one therapist and told my ex to back off of me so he did.

Okay; So you might have to learn how to be assertive and keep your guy off of you. Just tell him you

are not teenagers and you need some space. Boy; I know what you are going through.

I hate to say it but I learned in counseling that is a power and control issue and sometimes its

an immaturity issue. Do you think your hubby is immature and insecure.

Okay; If your guy doesnt want to go to therapy and you said you are not fond of therapists what about

some support group in your area. Dont know which support group. Only ones I know are sep. divorced, womens. Okay; Maybe there are some womens support groups in your area. I love sitting around with a bunch of woman and talking about problems. Its very empowering.

I cant help feel that there is something else going on with your marriage. Is there?

I hate to say this but maybe you need to separate for awhile. When my ex was overpowering me

in that way I couldnt  take it anymore so I left for awhile to show him I needed some boundaries and it worked in some ways but after that he became verbally abusive because the groping didnt work anymore.

There are some great books about boundary setting by Melodie Beatty. Check into that.

TAke Care for Now and let us know how its going

Me and my boyfriend have some issues, and I feel lonely and worried right now.  Last week I found out that my boyfriend had been on online dating websites. He has been on multiple websites the past few months and has made a profile that said he was single and looking. He even saved some other girls profiles as 'favorites'. I confronted him about it and he said that it meant nothing and that he was bored-thats it. He told me he loved me and that i shouldn't worry about it.  I have always been the good little girlfriend to him, took care of our house, never went out with friends. I've devoted my life to us, and now I feel like I have been betrayed. I told him I forgave him, but it really bothers me still. Another issue we have is him going out to clubs/bars. We both work alot, and we are both home usually when the other is at work. I stopped going out after we started dating. I don't have a reason, I just felt like there wasn't a reason to go to clubs anymore. I still go out to eat with my friends about once a month to keep my sanity, or I go shopping. But the rest of the time, I am at home cleaning or doing some hobby of mine.    But he feels the need to go out about 2-3 nights a week with his single guy friends. All of his friends are divorced and they try hook up with a different girl everytime they go out. When my boyfriend goes out with them, he gets extremely drunk and acts the same way they do toward other women.     I know he won't cheat on me.. I just don't feel happy with him going out like that. His excuse for going out like that is that its okay to do it since I'll be working. And he just wants to 'have a few beers with his buddies'. And he needs some time to do things he wants to do. I agree with him on that. I just feel like he takes it to the extreme and does it too much. He always says he'll be home by the time I get off work ("10pm") and doesn't get home til "1am"-drunk.  Then when I ask him why he came home so late, he gets mad at me for "nagging/complaining". I feel lonely. He makes me sound like the bad guy, and thinks I should go out more. But I am just fine with going out once a month. I dont know what to do at this point. I love him, but he goes out entirely too much and I don't agree with how he acts with his friends.. What do I do? Am i wrong for feeling this way?