Topic : Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship

Recently I left my partner a little note on the bathroom mirror that read

 

"I miss you and look forward to our evening together."

 

Doing these kind of things builds upon one's image and it creates an orchard that is ripe for the picking when it comes to sex. It helps when a partner helps build up a partner. So often we tear it down. JMO

 

Chris

Thank you for your last note but since then it hasn't gotten any better. I just had some surgery on my lung for the cancer last week and thank God is came back ok but my husband did not give me any flowers, a card or any form of affection or appreciation of what I went through the entire month of October with tests, doctors and hospitals. Now it's an every day thing with him. I can't even wake up to have a cup of coffee and within 5 minutes he starts with something. I don't deserve this but I feel so trapped because of my health issues, I have no job or income and my hospital is close by. Today is our 26th anniversary. He planned nothing!  He left the house and calls and says, I just made a reservation at this restaurant for tonight.  He had me practically locked up in my bedroom Saturday and sunday and all I had to eat was 2 crackers and some gaterade and I'm stupid(I worked for the top CEO's in Chicago during my work life) before I got sick, he ignores me, he's starting to tell little white lies and go behind my back and then he makes this reservation to a restaurant that he knows is food I can't eat and don't like.  It's just mean!  He said he thought it would be different.  Because of my cancer, I can't eat everythng and he knows that.  So, he I am, home alone as always, and he keeps calling me saying I love you and care for you.  How do you treat somebody the way he treats me and can honestly say that?  I would not treat a dog the way he treats me.  It used to be every couple of months we would go through this, then weekly, now daily.  He picks and picks at me for no reason. I asked him why he's doing this. I've been more than a good wife and supporter, and he won't stop!! I don't know what to do?  I have noone to talk with because there is no family or friends. I have tried everything with him; Dr. Phils book on relationships, a psychiatrist, his son who lives in Florida and a deputy sheriff if you can believe that and nothing works.  I have nowhere to go, don't have the ability or money to move and have no help and still have to worry about my 85 years old mother who is at home with a caregiver for 6 hours a day, who by the way, is taking a week off, and I don't know how I'm going to take care of her for a week when I can hardly take care of myself.  I am so upset that on this anniversary he fought with me all night and since last saturday. Any thoughts about what to do or who to call or where I can get help I am at a total loss for the first time in my life, I am totally broken.

I've been married for 6 years and have 2 kids.  2 years ago our marriage started falling apart, due to my insecurities.  I was stressed and depressed and caused me to end up in the hospital with colitis.  We almost ended up being separated, but she stuck with me through the whole ordeal and we worked it out.  Now, its back again, that is our marriage is falling apart.  We basically feel like roommates.  We hardly see each other because of our work schedules.  On the weekends, we tend to the kids more than ourselves.  We have not been intimate in awhile and its lonely.  It is hard to find time for us to spend together and I miss it.  I'm beginning to get stressed again and falling apart. I do not want to end up in sick again.  She says I'm depressed and I need help.  We have been going to counseling and its hard for me to open up.  I'm trying but she says I'm not.  I want this to work out for us, and the kids.  I feel like I'm doing my best, but my best just isn't good enough.  I don't want to go through the same scenario that I went through before.   I don't know what to do.  I will do anything to keep her with me and have her by my side.  Confused and lonely.

I am sorry I got your note so late.

I have not been on Dr. Phil's website for awhile.

 

I really feel the hurt and I know that it must be rough for you. I am at a loss for words. I cannot believe that your husband would be so cruel and lock you up in your room. All men at some time are jerks, maybe he's trying? But I do not know.

You did say that you would not treat a dog the way he treats you. That is a strong statement.

I cannot believe that your husband did not show any love when you got back from the hospital.

 

 

After reading both your posts, I am completely heartbroken. I really feel horrible, and I do not even know you-only thro email! You do deserve more, much much more.

You do have options, whatever they might be. Do you have any money saved up? You said that you were a top CEO in Chicago. Did you and your husband get a pre-nup when you got married? Even if worst comes to worst, you can always go on welfare or social security. And the fact that you are ill  -they are options for that as well.

 

Your husband sounds like a completely jerk. I do know that every good and kind man in my life (including my own husband ;) at one time or another acts like a selfish jerk. Not often, but once in awhile. I wonder if there is a possiblity that maybe your husband does not know what to do about your illnesses. Maybe he has given up himself. You said before I believe that things were good before at one time during your marriage. Maybe he just given up on life. Illness is extremely hard for the individual as well as the family. I had an eating disorder in high school and it was almost harder on my parents than it was on me.

 

Maybe if you ask your husband nicely, where things are going and why he is not trying with you , he will open up. He is human and should care about your feelings, if not.... :(

 

Your husband, from what you wrote, needs help. "Thro sickness and in health" -marriage vows, he needs to remember that. Tell him.

 

Have you tried a priest or pastor for help? Maybe attending church would lift your spirits and help you meet some wonderful people. There are also choirs, sewing groups, ect at Churches.

(I am a Pastor's daughter and have been pretty much raised in the church. I love the members and when i was ill with my eating disorder I recieved hundreds, yes, hundreds of cards from members from my church).

 

I want you to know that I care about you and want you to be safe, happy whether or not it is with your husband. I have went thro some rough times myself and know that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to believe.

I don't know if you are a Christian, but what helps me the most is my faith in God. My relationship with God is what gives me my strength and I know that you would love Him too. If you want to know more about this-let me know :)

 

I want you to be happier. Take care of yourself, you are special! Let me know how things are going, and if there is any way I can help. :) Sarah

I have been married to my second husband for over 6 years now.  Before we got married we both expressed that we didnt have a sexless marriage as that is what we had had before with other partners.  He stressed this over and over before we got married.  After we got married things seemed just fine.  Before we were married he had been injured on the job.  He worked as an EMT for an ambulance service.

He had to have surgery on his shoulder but it didnt work. Then Workmans Comp decided to send him to a pain management Dr. instead of paying for another surgery.  This Dr. had him on all kinds of pain pills but none of them worked.  Finally we had to settle with Workmans Comp to get away from that Dr.  It took him almost a year to get off all the medications ( Morphine (long acting), Morphine (short acting) Demerol, Valium, Loratabs, Ambien, ) He was on all of these at the same time.  It took him a year to be able to carry on a conversation, on these pills he was a zombie.  But now after he is off of all these pills there is nothing happening. We havent had sex in over 3 years. He shows me no affection at all. When I ask him if he still loves me he says yes. but he never shows it.  If I try and initiate anything he has one excuse of another.  I have an extremely stessful job (correctional officer in an all Male Federal prison) .  And it seems that the stress level at home isnt any better.  I really dont know what to do.  If I try and talk to him he just walks away.  He said once that things dont "Work" on him anymore.  If I say how about the little blue pill, he just gets mad.  He will not go to the Dr. about it.  So what am I suppose to do???

What a mighty tough position  you find yourself in. I believe i would see a therapist, possibly a sex therapist and maybe a marriage therapist. Have you discussed this problem with a doctor? Even if he will not go, I would take it upon myself to look into it. Good luck my friend.

I have talked to his Dr. about this but she said unless he asks about it she cant do anything.  We live in a very remote area. No Sex or Marriage therapists nearby.  I guess Im stuck with no affection. Thanks for your reply

 

My fiance and I have been dating for 10 years. We became engaged in April, and moved in together in May. We are to be married next August. However, I've found myself not feeling very much "in love" with him. And it's really bothering me.

I fell in love with him very quickly, and always knew I'd marry him someday. For most of our relationship, I showed him a lot of love (and felt it, too). He, however, never returned it quite in kind (he's not very in touch with his emotions in general). Although, since we've been engaged, he's seemed much more loving and affectionate than ever before. (And I really don't want to lose that, and just wish I could go back to feeling the same way towards him).

When we got engaged, I was happy, but I didn't react the way other women do -- jumping up and down, crying, saying "yes" or "oh my God" over and over. And I'm generally a highly emotional and passionate person, so that's what I would have expected myself to do in that situation. To be fair, I did know that it was coming (although, I felt like it took him way too long to do it, and I'm a little resentful about that; and I also had to kind of push him to do it, because he kept saying he wanted to, but he was putting it off because of his anxieties about change). But, I guess I feel a little disappointed in the proposal and how it all happened. If I try to remember where I "lost that loving feeling", I think it was towards the beginning of the year, when I started feeling extremely frustrated by the lack of proposal, and considered moving on if it didn't happen before our 10 year anniversary.

Additionally, our sex life has been virtually non-existent. That started two years ago when my parents split up (and then divorced). During that whole ordeal I experienced the resurfacing of some very painful stuff (my dad molested me when I was about 11, and I never told anyone, but it sort of came up for me during the divorce). So, at first I couldn't stomach sex while dealing with my memories. But, eventually I worked through that (with the help of a therapist). However, now the lack of sexual desire still lingers. I want nothing more than to feel that "spark" again, and to go back to being the passionate, and interested lover I once was. But I just can't get interested in sex (I'm not really interested in sex with anyone else either -- not that I'd EVER have an affair).

I feel bad for him that he's being deprived too, of both love and sex. And I want desperately to have both back. I'm envious of other engaged couples who seem so completely in love, and I don't want to go through my wedding day feeling so lackluster. I'm an emotional crier, and I want to be able to cry (happily) at my wedding -- but right now it feels like I wouldn't.

Help! How do I rekindle my affectionate, romantic, sexual, passionate and "in-love" feelings for my fiance?

 

Hi firebomb,

 

I have d same situation with my dear hubby,and at this present moment  he is giving me "the silence treatment" because he didn`t get sex when he thought it was due to happen,same as yours!oh my god,i can`t believe that men are actually like that,that EVERYTHING depends if they got sex today or not,and the thing is,they never ask for the reason that the SEX didn`t happen ,maybe we really don`t feel well,or too tired doin the things round the house makin it nice n tidy FOR THEM,working,taking care of kids,but they don`t understand it.I know my husband would be ready for sex in d middle of d nite,sick or healthy,only if he is tired and fall asleep on couch,thats an exeption.

And now because he didn`t get any sex,everything is going down,he`s not listening to me to talk about the issue,he gives up everything,the whole world has stopped!

He is ,or already was on the phone to his parents sayin how I`m bad wife n all,and they can`t wait to hear somethin like that,coz they never liked me anyway,"their poor son,sufferin so much!

OH WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

I`m sorry,I didn`t help you much with some advice or sugestion what to do,coz frankly I haven`t figured out yet how to tame a childish grownup person of my own,but at least u know u r not alone,coz I felt better reading ur msg,and knowing I`m not the only one.

whish all the streangth u need to figure it out

 

thegirlfromoz

I think that both of you have a real problem but you have to deal with and the reason of this issue is, maybe in the first days, weeks or years, you gave him a bad habit is to have sex more than 2 times a week.

Now, you're so tired, you have kids, you have responsibilities, so you're so exhausted to have sex, but don't forget it's his right, and if you don't satisfy it, he may look for other girls and i'm sure that you don't want to get to that situation

So there are many solutions for this issue, he have to help you to take care of the kids and all that stuff if he wants to have sex, you have to involve him but you have to have the desire to do it, and if not you will feel that it's just like an obligation and it's the worse thing that i can't imagine.

take your time, make up your mind and think again, maybe you are able to have sex onece a week or once in 2 weeks, i think it's not so hard and it's just about love.

The most important thing is that you have to make him learn just one habit and it depends on your ability