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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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October 12, 2006, 3:31 pm CDT

Confused Like You

Quote From: alfie33

Thankyou for making me feel a little better and I will sure try your advice.  I want to be patient but I also am afraid if we don't see one other that he will just as soon forget me.  He is worth trying to wait until I know what he wants but I don't want to feel used or confused.

You sound like me....my long-distance relationship with my "boyfriend" has put me in a similar situation. I've been quite stressed over the whole thing. We met in the summer but I moved shortly after we met. We talked daily on the phone and it really seemed to me that I had found my 'soulmate' or at least someone who felt the same way I did! He came to visit me last month, and now I hardly hear from him...he says that a long-distance relationship is too hard; he doesn't want to move where I am; he's settled where he is right now; blah, blah blah. I think that I made too much of it, except he certainly gave me a lot of encouragement the whole time! When I do talk to him, he is still saying things that gives me the impression he wants to continue, yet his actions say differently. I feel like an idiot...I'm 44 and I feel like a stupid teenager who went gaga over a guy. I wanted to be myself and just let it all hang out (so to speak!) with my feelings, and I think that is where I went wrong.  Anyway...good luck with your situation, and I hope things get better for you. And just remember...you're the most important person in your life.

 
October 13, 2006, 1:44 pm CDT

What to Do??

My fiance just told me that he needs time to think about what he wants.  Three months til the big day and he drops this huge bomb on me!!!!  Our story is that he has been married before and has a daughter.  He was married for about 2 or 3 years and has been divorced for about 2 years.  Our relationship has been rocky since day one.  When we first met he wasnt ready to committ which was ok with me, except  he wanted to be single but keep me on the side.  I was looking for a serious relationship with him, and was willing to be patient.  We have definately been throught a lot and i thought everything was ok but guess i was wrong.  He tells me that he went through this with his first marriage and he thinks its just cold feet but im tired of waiting on him to make his mind up.  I dont deserve this and i dont have to put up with it!!! 

 
October 13, 2006, 2:01 pm CDT

Give him time

Quote From: outafocus2003

My fiance just told me that he needs time to think about what he wants.  Three months til the big day and he drops this huge bomb on me!!!!  Our story is that he has been married before and has a daughter.  He was married for about 2 or 3 years and has been divorced for about 2 years.  Our relationship has been rocky since day one.  When we first met he wasnt ready to committ which was ok with me, except  he wanted to be single but keep me on the side.  I was looking for a serious relationship with him, and was willing to be patient.  We have definately been throught a lot and i thought everything was ok but guess i was wrong.  He tells me that he went through this with his first marriage and he thinks its just cold feet but im tired of waiting on him to make his mind up.  I dont deserve this and i dont have to put up with it!!! 

I know you must be hurt by what he is saying, not to mention mad, confused and devestated.  However, if he is not 100% sure that he wants to get married - then he does need to let you know ahead of time.  He is confused  so give him a little bit of time.  Have you two considered counseling? 

Marriage is not easy and I'm sure he knows that first hand.  Both of you need to be absolutely 100% sure you aredoing the right thing before exchanging vows.  You claim to have had a rocky relationship from the get go - do you really believe that just because you get married things will just fall into place?  Believe me they don't!  If either one of you have the slightest doubt that this marriage will work then please call it off.  There's nothing worse than going through a divorce.

 
October 14, 2006, 9:04 pm CDT

Dating Etiquette

I started dating a guy that I used to date years ago. We have been seeing eachother for 2 months. When we hang out we both have a really good time. We get along so great and it's perfect. He makes comments that suggest that he really likes me and might want to get more serious. He treats me really good when we are together. He lives an hour away and so we mainly see each other on the weekends. We talk on the phone almost every day. But my problem is that there have been a couple of weeks when he won't call me late in the week and so then when I call him on that Friday or during the weekend he won't answer his cell phone. Then he won't return my call until Monday. He obviously had plans on those weekends and probably was avoiding me for that reason. I don't know if he is going out on a date with someone else or just hanging out with the guys. I don't want to ask him what he was doing because I don't want to push him away. But should I just except this behavior since we are only dating and have only been dating for 2 months? I have known this guy for about 15 years and I have always loved him and thought of him as "the one". I've never been able to forget about him or get over him all these years, so I don't know what to do from here.
 
October 14, 2006, 10:57 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: sandy0914

While it is true actions do speak louder than words - you still can't ignore the fact that he told you he does not want a relationship right now either. He had a bad experience in his past relationship which you are paying the price for.  He is giving you mixed signals and words and you need to talk to him again about this "friendship" and clearly understand what it is that he is doing.  If he again says he wants to be just friends then you need to get your heart and emotions in check and realize that should you decide to continue in this relationship, your heart will eventually get broken.    Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

I would limit my time with him and date other people and go out with your girlfriends etc.  You are in college and are young.  Your education should be your top priority.  This is a high risk relationship, he's told you that already.  If it was me, I'd say goodbye and tell him to call you when he is ready to try again.    Only you can decide how much you can handle and are willing to risk in the hands of a "friend"  who can't mentally commit to a serious relationship right now. 

Being friends with someone you are in love with doesn't work, normally you need to cut all ties and move on.

look ,, i have been in the same siituation ,, well not exactly cuz he told me he loved me and did everything he possibly could for me ,, but when it came down to it ,, he just enjoyed being around me ,, and when ever the real thing was mentioned ,, he dumped me ,, then id think oh i cant live with out him so id rather have him in my life in one way at least ,, but it was hard on me ,, even though we were in a relationship but he just didnt want marriage ,, sooooo im just telling you dont do what i did ,, i kept thinking give him time maybe hell come round ,, if i cant live without him then he must feel the same way about me cuz were perfect together ,, buttttttttttttttt ,, i got dumped , im not saying theres no chance but i believe if a man has feelings for a woman hed do anything for her ,, and ppl dont choose whether to feelings or not ,, so if he doesnt feel that way about u now ,, it just means he doesnt feel the same way u do and if he did he wouldnt have been able to resist commiting to u ,, whether he had an ex or not
 
October 15, 2006, 6:32 am CDT

Get a life too.

Quote From: despwife15

I started dating a guy that I used to date years ago. We have been seeing eachother for 2 months. When we hang out we both have a really good time. We get along so great and it's perfect. He makes comments that suggest that he really likes me and might want to get more serious. He treats me really good when we are together. He lives an hour away and so we mainly see each other on the weekends. We talk on the phone almost every day. But my problem is that there have been a couple of weeks when he won't call me late in the week and so then when I call him on that Friday or during the weekend he won't answer his cell phone. Then he won't return my call until Monday. He obviously had plans on those weekends and probably was avoiding me for that reason. I don't know if he is going out on a date with someone else or just hanging out with the guys. I don't want to ask him what he was doing because I don't want to push him away. But should I just except this behavior since we are only dating and have only been dating for 2 months? I have known this guy for about 15 years and I have always loved him and thought of him as "the one". I've never been able to forget about him or get over him all these years, so I don't know what to do from here.

You really need to slow down.  I read your previous posts about your husband cheating on you etc.  Your focus right now should be about getting your life on track, taking care of your daughter and emotionally healing from your problems with your husband.  Have you two divorced yet????

 

This other guy has his own life.  He sees you when he wants to, he talks to you when he has time.  You need  get on with your life and if you two happen to hook up on a weekend that's fine but certainly do not wait for his call and do not call him.  You've only been kinda dating for 2 months and really haven't seen eachother very often.  Normally in the early stages of a relationship two people can't talk enough or stay away from eachother - I don't see that happening here.  I see a guy who lives an hour away who has a busy social life and sees you when he's got nothing better to do.  You need to do the same. If you were meant to be together, things will work out - if not, at least you haven't been sitting around waiting for him to call and obsessing in your mind what he's been doing.  This is a casual relationship and you need to treat it as one.  Move on with your life, go out with friends, do fun things with your daughter - don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call. 

 
October 15, 2006, 8:14 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: sandy0914

You really need to slow down.  I read your previous posts about your husband cheating on you etc.  Your focus right now should be about getting your life on track, taking care of your daughter and emotionally healing from your problems with your husband.  Have you two divorced yet????

 

This other guy has his own life.  He sees you when he wants to, he talks to you when he has time.  You need  get on with your life and if you two happen to hook up on a weekend that's fine but certainly do not wait for his call and do not call him.  You've only been kinda dating for 2 months and really haven't seen eachother very often.  Normally in the early stages of a relationship two people can't talk enough or stay away from eachother - I don't see that happening here.  I see a guy who lives an hour away who has a busy social life and sees you when he's got nothing better to do.  You need to do the same. If you were meant to be together, things will work out - if not, at least you haven't been sitting around waiting for him to call and obsessing in your mind what he's been doing.  This is a casual relationship and you need to treat it as one.  Move on with your life, go out with friends, do fun things with your daughter - don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call. 

I divorced my husband almost a year ago. I didn't start dating again until a couple of months ago. I have been concentrating on myself and my daughter but thought it was time to start dating a little again. I don't want to jump into anything serious, and I am also busy a lot of the time. I just don't want to be disrespected or put up with anything that I shouldn't. I guess because I put up with stuff that I shouldn't have with this guy years ago that I am overly sensitive to it now. I appreciate your advice.
 
October 17, 2006, 12:06 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: despwife15

I started dating a guy that I used to date years ago. We have been seeing eachother for 2 months. When we hang out we both have a really good time. We get along so great and it's perfect. He makes comments that suggest that he really likes me and might want to get more serious. He treats me really good when we are together. He lives an hour away and so we mainly see each other on the weekends. We talk on the phone almost every day. But my problem is that there have been a couple of weeks when he won't call me late in the week and so then when I call him on that Friday or during the weekend he won't answer his cell phone. Then he won't return my call until Monday. He obviously had plans on those weekends and probably was avoiding me for that reason. I don't know if he is going out on a date with someone else or just hanging out with the guys. I don't want to ask him what he was doing because I don't want to push him away. But should I just except this behavior since we are only dating and have only been dating for 2 months? I have known this guy for about 15 years and I have always loved him and thought of him as "the one". I've never been able to forget about him or get over him all these years, so I don't know what to do from here.

I feel your pain. Your story sounds really familiar to me. A month and and half ago I found and contacted my first love from 20 years ago. Like you, I too have never stopped loving him and always thought of him as "the one." When we first got in contact, via email, it seemed like he too might be interested in starting something again. He even told me as much the first couple of times we spoke on the phone. But then out of the blue he said that he did not want a serious relationship with anyone again...ever!!

He had a messy and very painful divorce 3 years ago and has all but lost his daughter over it. He is very bitter and pessemistic about the whole "domestic" life. He says he is "broken."

This hurts because we were in love back then and I know if not for his divorce things would be different, I do know he still cares but he's so afraid of committing again. I also found out that he is dating and sleeping with women much younger than he is (he's 38, they're 19 and 20ish). His lifestyle seems to be on a collision course with himself and I am afraid for him. Unlike you, we have not physically seen each other since he is in another state quite the distance from me. He does want me to come visit when the timing is right for us both. He is sending me mixed messages at times. One minute he tells me that he doesn't want a relationship and the next he's telling me he wants me to come visit. Why do they do this to us?

 
October 18, 2006, 8:22 am CDT

Its always the same story

Most of us are sooo foolish and nieve when it comes to situations like this( he wont commit) and i'm frankly tired of it. Its time that we women put are foot down and say look...i'm tired of playing games with you, either you want me or you dont... Guys that "can't commit" aren't worth your time..You shouldnt wait around for anyone. if hes serious about you then he'll tell you and he'll show it. Women, stop being sooo nieve about these situations...look at the big picture, and read the signs. Dont set yourself up for a heartache. If you dont want anything casual, then specify that in the beginning. Dont start off casual and hope for something that might not happen. Love Smart...
 
October 18, 2006, 8:32 am CDT

Long, sad story

Ok, gang, heres the deal.  I met this wonderful guy 7 years ago. It was really love at first sight. I felt he was complicated (a recovering alcoholic) but still loved him. He was wonderful to me, gave me cards, compliments, etc.  We moved in together (I paid half of everything). Eventually we bought a house together and he proposed.  After we moved into the house (shortly after) my mom died and his bratty 13 year old girl came to live with us for a month.  He worked at home, so I would leave every day with the two of them snuggling, etc.  Then he started going away weekends with the guys and was not nice to me.  It got to the point where I broke the engagement and moved out (2004) but never got over him (and vice versa) We have been on and off (mostly on) since then.  Now he says that he recognizes my need to be part of a unit but he cant give it to me.  He sleeps over at my condo two or three times a week, doesnt give me gifts or flowers any more and is not very loving.  He has lots of intimacy issues.  I have asked for couples counselling, and he says no, we tried that (years ago) I have asked why I am not included with his family or friends and he has no answer.  So I am a prize idiot right? Why do I still love him....I guess I need to see the picture huh?  How do I handle this....thanks.
 
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