Message Boards

Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 18, 2006, 2:20 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: elisabethz

Ok, gang, heres the deal.  I met this wonderful guy 7 years ago. It was really love at first sight. I felt he was complicated (a recovering alcoholic) but still loved him. He was wonderful to me, gave me cards, compliments, etc.  We moved in together (I paid half of everything). Eventually we bought a house together and he proposed.  After we moved into the house (shortly after) my mom died and his bratty 13 year old girl came to live with us for a month.  He worked at home, so I would leave every day with the two of them snuggling, etc.  Then he started going away weekends with the guys and was not nice to me.  It got to the point where I broke the engagement and moved out (2004) but never got over him (and vice versa) We have been on and off (mostly on) since then.  Now he says that he recognizes my need to be part of a unit but he cant give it to me.  He sleeps over at my condo two or three times a week, doesnt give me gifts or flowers any more and is not very loving.  He has lots of intimacy issues.  I have asked for couples counselling, and he says no, we tried that (years ago) I have asked why I am not included with his family or friends and he has no answer.  So I am a prize idiot right? Why do I still love him....I guess I need to see the picture huh?  How do I handle this....thanks.
 It seems like a really big emotional roller coaster. I personally wouldn't be able to take it. It does seem that he has a lot of issues that he needs to take care of for himself before he marries anyone. But who knows when thats gonna be? He doesnt seem to want any help. I wouldnt wait around for him. If later on down the road, your single, hes single and he has made a drastic change then maybe it will work.. but i think you need to move on. Theres no way  either of you are ready to get married to eachother. It will be hard but it's time to let go...
 
October 18, 2006, 3:38 pm CDT

How about a really good therapist!!!!

Quote From: elisabethz

Ok, gang, heres the deal.  I met this wonderful guy 7 years ago. It was really love at first sight. I felt he was complicated (a recovering alcoholic) but still loved him. He was wonderful to me, gave me cards, compliments, etc.  We moved in together (I paid half of everything). Eventually we bought a house together and he proposed.  After we moved into the house (shortly after) my mom died and his bratty 13 year old girl came to live with us for a month.  He worked at home, so I would leave every day with the two of them snuggling, etc.  Then he started going away weekends with the guys and was not nice to me.  It got to the point where I broke the engagement and moved out (2004) but never got over him (and vice versa) We have been on and off (mostly on) since then.  Now he says that he recognizes my need to be part of a unit but he cant give it to me.  He sleeps over at my condo two or three times a week, doesnt give me gifts or flowers any more and is not very loving.  He has lots of intimacy issues.  I have asked for couples counselling, and he says no, we tried that (years ago) I have asked why I am not included with his family or friends and he has no answer.  So I am a prize idiot right? Why do I still love him....I guess I need to see the picture huh?  How do I handle this....thanks.

This guy is clearly telling you that he can not give you the future you want.  He is not nice to you, he is not emotional with you, he does not want to work on this relationship - all he wants is sex a few times a week.  No strings attached!!! 

So you have two choices.  You can dump him for good, mourn this relationship, and move on when you are ready    or  you can put up with being treated like a door mat and continue in a dead end relationship which promises to go no where!

 

Are you the prize idiot?  Yes.   Do you need to look at the whole picture?  Yes.    Do you need therapy to find out why you can't let go of a relationship that is absolutely no good for you?  Yes.

 

You can't even blame him.  He is very clear on his intent, he has promised you nothing and has not lied to you.  You obviously think you can change his mind and make him be somebody that he is not.  Wrong!   The only thing you can change is your outlook on this so-called realtionship and know that you need to move on.  You love the guy that he used to be, not the guy that he is now.

 
October 19, 2006, 4:04 am CDT

Everything I knew!

Quote From: sandy0914

This guy is clearly telling you that he can not give you the future you want.  He is not nice to you, he is not emotional with you, he does not want to work on this relationship - all he wants is sex a few times a week.  No strings attached!!! 

So you have two choices.  You can dump him for good, mourn this relationship, and move on when you are ready    or  you can put up with being treated like a door mat and continue in a dead end relationship which promises to go no where!

 

Are you the prize idiot?  Yes.   Do you need to look at the whole picture?  Yes.    Do you need therapy to find out why you can't let go of a relationship that is absolutely no good for you?  Yes.

 

You can't even blame him.  He is very clear on his intent, he has promised you nothing and has not lied to you.  You obviously think you can change his mind and make him be somebody that he is not.  Wrong!   The only thing you can change is your outlook on this so-called realtionship and know that you need to move on.  You love the guy that he used to be, not the guy that he is now.

Sandy, thanks. I of course knew this but needed some feedback.  He had told me he was going to give me some of "his" time tonight after he did all his "other" stuff (I am never first or even second) I have made up m y mind to call and tell him its done. This coincides with me going away for a fun weekend with my golf group so I wont have time to cry all day! I AM going to finally do it. Thanks a million.
 
October 20, 2006, 12:59 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

I been invoved with a guy for 13 years, his disappears with out a word due to his work. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel but he has not change his pattern. The longest his been away has been 9 months without a word, yes you heard me. I`m I crazy for still loving him and waiting for him to change. He also never calls me when he says he will, the only time he keeps his word is when he come to visit. Currently his not taking my calls for some unnone reason, you see when his angry with me I never know what it about until weeks later. At present I don`t know were he stays, his excuse "I don`t want you arriving at my place without informing" Please help!!  
 
October 20, 2006, 1:32 pm CDT

Definately not normal

Quote From: m19e70

I been invoved with a guy for 13 years, his disappears with out a word due to his work. I have tried to explain to him how this makes me feel but he has not change his pattern. The longest his been away has been 9 months without a word, yes you heard me. Im I crazy for still loving him and waiting for him to change. He also never calls me when he says he will, the only time he keeps his word is when he come to visit. Currently his not taking my calls for some unnone reason, you see when his angry with me I never know what it about until weeks later. At present I dont know were he stays, his excuse "I dont want you arriving at my place without informing" Please help!!  

Are you crazy?  Yes.  This boyfriend is selfish, childish, disrespectful and down right rude!  The problem is you can't change him and he has no reason to change as you put up with this behavior.    13 years is long enough to see that this guy is not going to change - don't you agree????

This relationship will continue only if you allow it to, it is your choice.  Don't you think it would be nice to be with a partner who respects you and your feelings, who gives you a call out of common courtesy to say if he's going out or will be late etc., who doesn''t hide from you so you can't find him????   This is a very dysfunctional relationship to say the least, hell will freeze over before this man changes.  Get rid of this guy and find somebody who is physically and emotionally available - life is way too short !!!!

 
October 21, 2006, 10:47 pm CDT

Confused

I need some advice.  I have been with this man since 2002.  Last year I found out he had been seeing and talking to other women.  Its been rocky ever since.  Well we started talking again and he has someone else.  He said it is full on relationship but he has not said HE LOVES her yet and that he had been thinking of me and all the good things he experienced with me.  We got together last night and spent the whole night together.  You know what happen to say the least it was 'GREAT'.  I have told him he needs to make a decision something he agreed he did not do with our relationship before and alot of people got hurt.  I have laid the ground rules down no what do I do or should I do nothing and not try this relationship again.  If he had not been cheating everythings was GOOD.

 

Confused in Hawthorne, California

 
October 22, 2006, 12:36 am CDT

Ups and Downs

 I have had an off and on relationship with  someone who is almost nine years older than me.  Every time we break up, he comes back stating that this time it would be different and that he will not get 'chicken' as he put it and will stick with the relationship.  It seems like the relationship goes well when I "act uninterested", he talks about living together and settling down; however, as soon as I exhibit some interest, he begins to talk about we are moving too fast and he is not ready to marry.  I am soo tired of the ups and down, I don't know if I am coming or going. Both him and I agree not to have sexual relations until "he" knows what he wants. However, he states that he doesn't want me to see anyone else and he won't see anyone.  He states that he wants me but he just doesn't want to be married since he has been married before and divorced due to his ex-wife cheating on him.  Right now, I have been emotionally withdrawing from this relationship because I cannot deal with the pain.   But to be honest,  I feel so connected to him and when I see him and vice versa, you can see the chemistry, it feels like a magnet - where we get drawn to each other.  Any suggestions????
 
October 22, 2006, 5:04 am CDT

Are you crazy????

Quote From: fisimmons

I need some advice.  I have been with this man since 2002.  Last year I found out he had been seeing and talking to other women.  Its been rocky ever since.  Well we started talking again and he has someone else.  He said it is full on relationship but he has not said HE LOVES her yet and that he had been thinking of me and all the good things he experienced with me.  We got together last night and spent the whole night together.  You know what happen to say the least it was 'GREAT'.  I have told him he needs to make a decision something he agreed he did not do with our relationship before and alot of people got hurt.  I have laid the ground rules down no what do I do or should I do nothing and not try this relationship again.  If he had not been cheating everythings was GOOD.

 

Confused in Hawthorne, California

You are 37 and looking for love and marriage.  Then what the hell are you wasting your time on this guy for????  He is a repeat cheater, he even cheated on his girlfriend with you last night!!  So you had sex and it was great, it was only sex!  The best prediction of future behavior is the past!!!!   Who cares if he has not professed his love to this other woman, that is totally irrelevant.   He has cheated on you several times, he is clearly not marriage material.  You can't trust him, he lies to you and he has just proven again that he cheats on his girlfriends.    What are you missing here?   You can not change him no matter how hard you try!!!!   Ground rules mean absolutely nothing to men like this, he is a player.  Honesty, respect, trust and fidelity are really important qualities for a partner - he has none of these?  Are you really that desperate to settle for a man who is a complete dog?  Please have respect and dignity for yourself.  You should never ever put up with a man who disrespect you - you are confusing lust for love.

Do yourself a really big favor and move on.  He does not deserve you and you need a man like this like a hole in your head.  *The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior * 

 
October 22, 2006, 6:13 am CDT

A few questions.

Quote From: ndbblessed

 I have had an off and on relationship with  someone who is almost nine years older than me.  Every time we break up, he comes back stating that this time it would be different and that he will not get 'chicken' as he put it and will stick with the relationship.  It seems like the relationship goes well when I "act uninterested", he talks about living together and settling down; however, as soon as I exhibit some interest, he begins to talk about we are moving too fast and he is not ready to marry.  I am soo tired of the ups and down, I don't know if I am coming or going. Both him and I agree not to have sexual relations until "he" knows what he wants. However, he states that he doesn't want me to see anyone else and he won't see anyone.  He states that he wants me but he just doesn't want to be married since he has been married before and divorced due to his ex-wife cheating on him.  Right now, I have been emotionally withdrawing from this relationship because I cannot deal with the pain.   But to be honest,  I feel so connected to him and when I see him and vice versa, you can see the chemistry, it feels like a magnet - where we get drawn to each other.  Any suggestions????

So you've been seeing this guy for a few months and have broken up a few times already as he isn't ready to settle down yet.  When you act iuninterested, he gets scared and wants you back.  I have a few questions. 

1.  You've only dated less than a year, what is the rush???  Why are you moving so fast?

2.  You take him back after he's told you things will be different.  What has he done in his life that

      makes you believe things will change?  Has he been to counseling?

3.  Why would you agree to not date anybody else?  He can not promise you a future together,

     but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. 

 

If the roller coaster ride is more than you can handle then I suggest you cut all ties, heal from your wounds and then move on.   Or you can stop putting pressure on him, let him heal from his previous marriage and then see where things go from there.  You two have not been dating very long I gather since you just moved there, why can't you just casually date him and others and see what happens.  Take the pressure off him, he's not ready for a committment and will continue to run whenever you bring up the subject.  But at the same time, I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket - get out there and date other people.  Ask him to go to counseling for himself, he needs to get over his previous marriage and trust issues - emotional baggage can ruin all of his future relationships.

 
October 22, 2006, 10:14 am CDT

Thank You

Quote From: sandy0914

You are 37 and looking for love and marriage.  Then what the hell are you wasting your time on this guy for????  He is a repeat cheater, he even cheated on his girlfriend with you last night!!  So you had sex and it was great, it was only sex!  The best prediction of future behavior is the past!!!!   Who cares if he has not professed his love to this other woman, that is totally irrelevant.   He has cheated on you several times, he is clearly not marriage material.  You can't trust him, he lies to you and he has just proven again that he cheats on his girlfriends.    What are you missing here?   You can not change him no matter how hard you try!!!!   Ground rules mean absolutely nothing to men like this, he is a player.  Honesty, respect, trust and fidelity are really important qualities for a partner - he has none of these?  Are you really that desperate to settle for a man who is a complete dog?  Please have respect and dignity for yourself.  You should never ever put up with a man who disrespect you - you are confusing lust for love.

Do yourself a really big favor and move on.  He does not deserve you and you need a man like this like a hole in your head.  *The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior * 

You are right on and I know these things to be true.  I amm not that desperate to settle for less.  Thank you for being to straight to the point.  I will always remember the quote: "the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior" so true.

 

 

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | Next | Last