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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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November 9, 2008, 12:34 pm CST

Dating for 6 years

I have been with a wonderful man for 6 years now. We have lived together for one year and things are going great. The problem is that about every 6 months he says something about not wanting to get married and not knowing if I am "the one". Other than this he is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. I am torn because I truely feel that we are right for each other and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry this man. He, on the other hand, is very unsure about marriage. Recently, after another one of the "I don't know if I ever want to get married" discussions, a co-worker began showing me attention. He told me that I deserved better than a man that won't commit. Long story short I kissed that man. He is married so it would go no where and I didn't want it to. I think it just felt good for a man to see my concerns as valid. My boyfriend found out about my indiscretion and now I fear that any shot we had at getting married is out the door. He says he wants to work through this and that he loves me. I don't doubt that, but I still want to get married. Help!
 
November 17, 2008, 3:02 pm CST

Help in a relationship going on 9 years

HI everyone,

 

I can hear the responses now..laughing quietly, 9 years and counting and he won't commit? Well, when I say committ I am not talking marriage, I have been there and done that, but I need the warm and fuzzy, I need to feel I am at the top of his life, and yes I know I am not dating his family but I need to feel like he wants me to be a part of that too.

 

I finally got up the nerve to tell him hey we either move this to a next level or let me go, only because I feel like instead of growing together is becoming more and more solo. His life is very different from mine, I am building my own business, he is ending his. He is heading for retirement with grown children and I have an almost 11 year old.

 

Until recently I felt things were ok, but now I want more, I want someone to say I love you. I want to think about maybe living together at some point, I want someone to spend time planning surprises for me.

 

And even though he does that, there is no consistency, I use my car, my gas, my house and my time. I just don't feel like I am getting anything from it any longer and I essentially asked him to step up to the plate or tell me if he is persuing someone else.

 

My question today is I let this go on this long, and even though I have tried and tried to move it forward, I am getting know where. should I let him go? My dilema is that he has a major health issue he is facing and I don't want him to use that as a scape goat as to why I might have walked away. I want him to decide once and for all if I am for him or that he wants to move on.

 

Help, I feel like I am back with my x life and that lasted 10 years too. But I was a lot younger then. I gave him my youth, I am 50 with a young child and and elderly mom and it scares me to walk away.

 

thanks for listening.

 

Softone.

 
November 18, 2008, 10:23 am CST

how long is too long to be in a relationship with no committment

I am a single mom of 2 and was married for 18 years.  I have been dating the same guy for almost 4 years.  He is also divorced and had been married for 17 years.  Our kids and families get along very well.  About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with als.  Now he walks with crutches or I push him in his wheel-chair.

I do his laundry and dishes, clean his house and mow his yard or shovel his walk in the winter.  I run errands and take as good of care of him as possible.  I go to school part-time and work 2 part-time jobs.  I don't regret doing all of these things because I do love him, but I also am not complete happy without being more committed to him.  I think he has a personal issue with committment.  {Phobia}  I am not getting any younger and he is not getting any better health wise and I don't want to be a doormat.  Can someone please help me decide what to do next

 
November 19, 2008, 6:06 am CST

is he commited or what the hell?

The other day me and my partner went to the park it was really crowded
they were gonna light up a Christmas tree. he told to take his arm and
follow him so I did, it was really hard to walk because there was a lot
of people, then I realized he was following a guy that was in front of
him, wherever the guy was going my partner was following him behind
him, then I realized that my partner was whispering at his ear, it was
becoming suspicious to me, my partner kept following this guy wherever
he was going, after that when the guy was leaving he passed right in
front of me and started to touch my d***, I got so upset and I punch
the guy twice on his face, I looked at my partner he didn't say
anything, then I touched my partner and you could say that he was
excited, so OBVIOUSLY something was going on, my partner of coursed
denied everything, I left him for a day and went back to the apartment
where we live and now he is treating me like a king, provably he is
trying to cover his mistake. I just don't think I could keep living
with him after that.
 
November 24, 2008, 1:48 pm CST

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: jdgreis

I am a single mom of 2 and was married for 18 years.  I have been dating the same guy for almost 4 years.  He is also divorced and had been married for 17 years.  Our kids and families get along very well.  About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with als.  Now he walks with crutches or I push him in his wheel-chair.

I do his laundry and dishes, clean his house and mow his yard or shovel his walk in the winter.  I run errands and take as good of care of him as possible.  I go to school part-time and work 2 part-time jobs.  I don't regret doing all of these things because I do love him, but I also am not complete happy without being more committed to him.  I think he has a personal issue with committment.  Phobia  I am not getting any younger and he is not getting any better health wise and I don't want to be a doormat.  Can someone please help me decide what to do next

Well the reason he's crawfishing back this way about commitment is because he already has the one he wants from you, so he doesn't feel the need to give you the one you want. You sound like a beautiful person and it just seems that he's trying to use you. Prepare his favorite meal and sweetly tell him as you serve it to him with candlelight that you're thinking about seeing other people. If that's okay with him, get yourself a makeover (start at the local beauty college if that's all you can afford) Get yourself some nice dresses and shoes from a local upscale thrift shop and get out there and meet someone as wonderful as you are, woman! Your post kind of read as if you feel responsible for his having ALS, and that's why you do all that wife work for him. Wife work and not so much as a paper cigar band for your left hand. Cut it out this instant. Connect him to some community resources for home and family support/health care and use your energy to feather your own nest, instead of letting him use your energy to feather his. You are a real go-getter with your two jobs and school. A man with sense and some sensitivity to your needs for a change you would be lucky to have you!
 
December 11, 2008, 7:58 pm CST

I'm going crazy and I don't like it

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. We've been living together a year. It is the most amazing relationship. We've both had long term relationships in the past (both of us had four year relationships) and we agree what he and I have is so much better than those. I want to marry him, for sure. I am not one of those girls that wants a giant wedding or a ring or feels she needs a husband to be complete. I see him and want to be with him forever. We agree on all major life issues (children, finances, religion) and I feel like his equal. Everything he does is what I want. He knows I want to marry him. He knows I want to get engaged sooner rather than later. But he doesn't know what he wants. I asked him 5 months ago to think about what he wanted. I told him I wanted to get engaged and it was hurting me to think it might not happen. He promised to think about it and try to work out the issues he has with marriage. He sees marriage as taking away his independence and freedom. But we are already together all the time. It's not like he's living this wild single life on the weekends still. We act like we are married already! I don't see how being married would change anything. It would only make what we have official. And that is what I want. I want to officially be his wife and I want the world to know I have the most amazing man. That was five months ago and he still hasn't figured anything out. He said he still doesn't know if he ever wants to get married, let alone to me, and he doesn't know when he will figure it out. He said he just wants to see what happens and let things be. But I feel like if we just "wait and see" then it will never happen. I've told him I cannot wait forever and that it hurts me to be with him and him not committ. But I also don't want him to be pressured into marrying me. I only want it if he truly wants to. I feel like it should be something he feels inside and can't help to do. And he says he feels pressure. I feel like we are at the point where I should leave because I don't think he will ever want to marry me and I don't want to waste my time and be hurt. But the thought of not being with him is horrible. My thought was to give it six months and not bring it up to him AT ALL and if he hasn't moved forward by then, then leave. But then I ask myself "Is that fair? Why should you live with extreme anxiety for six months because you are bottling all of this up inside just because he doesn't want to deal with his issues?" He has three sisters who are married and they CONTROL their husbands. He has friends whose wives control them. He is scared of that. But why after this long can't he see I won't do that? My parents got divorced when I was 10 and I am 100% committed to making a marriage last. I don't want to be a statistic.
Should I stay? Go? Stay for 6 months? Is it hopeless?
I feel hopeless...
 
January 3, 2009, 2:30 pm CST

What happened?

 From the beginning of me and my boyfriend dating, I told him that I someday wanted marriage and kids and if that definately wasnt something he ever wanted (he is a widower with 2 teenagers) then lets not even date.  6 months later I moved from LA to London to be with him.  In the summer we had got in a big fight and I contemplated going back home.  He said how much he wanted me here and that he was planning to propose in December, which would be our one year anniversary.  Well, December came and went and no proposal.  He is suddenly distant- says that I am getting on his nerves.  When he got on my nerves in the summer, I stuck it out and stayed...  Now suddenly the tables are turned and he's questioning our future.  Is he stringing me along or just getting a case of cold feet?
 
January 7, 2009, 12:53 pm CST

No commitment after 5 years

So, my BF and I have been together 5 years and living together for about 4 years. He is 36 and I am 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was head over heels and told me so from the very start. Over the years, whenever the subject of our future came up (either by myself or others), he'd say that we basically had to wait until I was unattached. I had been going through an awful separation from my ex since 2000 and only became officially divorced last December (2007). I very rarely brought up marriage b/c I was always so sure of his love and commitment. His words told me he would act once I became divorced. He was living with me and basically doing the couple thing/family man thing. I have two kids from my marriage to my ex; my BF has no children, but he very much wants a child. Current day, we've had more discussions on the marriage matter and I have been left completely deflated b/c he went from saying it was too soon for me to jump into another marriage to he's not ready to he doesn't believe in marriage to he has issues with marriage,etc. He was also married very young (early 20s) and divorced after about 4 years. Apparently his ex was impossible to live with and he knew early on he wouldn't have children with her nor would he remain married to her for the rest of his life. Be that as it may, I tend to think he has way too many excuses. We also had a bad time with my ex and my son's behavior was a big issue a couple years back, but I don't think that should be an issue now if he truly wanted to spend his life with me as a married couple. The bottom line is that I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and invalidated. Since November I have been so upset about this matter and I questioned him over and over, until I just stopped asking questions last month. I came into the New Year thinking I would end it because I have to look out for myself and my feelings since he made it clear he wasn't ready. Here I still am and every day I want to broach the subject, but I stop myself b/c I feel it would be too humiliating to speak of marriage again. I want it to come from HIM! I want him to say he's crazy to let another day go by without proposing to me. I am so good to him, I am giving and supportive and I love him completely. He tells me he loves me too and asks if I feel what we have is not a commitment (since we live together). I've told him I want the commitment of marriage b/c that's what I feel is the next step for us, we are very compatible and in love, we have easy-going temperaments and respect one another. What gives? I've read a couple of self-help books on guys/dating/commitment, and that has helped me somewhat, but I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Any advice?
 
January 9, 2009, 3:50 am CST

Choices

Quote From: brianaeric

So, my BF and I have been together 5 years and living together for about 4 years. He is 36 and I am 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was head over heels and told me so from the very start. Over the years, whenever the subject of our future came up (either by myself or others), he'd say that we basically had to wait until I was unattached. I had been going through an awful separation from my ex since 2000 and only became officially divorced last December (2007). I very rarely brought up marriage b/c I was always so sure of his love and commitment. His words told me he would act once I became divorced. He was living with me and basically doing the couple thing/family man thing. I have two kids from my marriage to my ex; my BF has no children, but he very much wants a child. Current day, we've had more discussions on the marriage matter and I have been left completely deflated b/c he went from saying it was too soon for me to jump into another marriage to he's not ready to he doesn't believe in marriage to he has issues with marriage,etc. He was also married very young (early 20s) and divorced after about 4 years. Apparently his ex was impossible to live with and he knew early on he wouldn't have children with her nor would he remain married to her for the rest of his life. Be that as it may, I tend to think he has way too many excuses. We also had a bad time with my ex and my son's behavior was a big issue a couple years back, but I don't think that should be an issue now if he truly wanted to spend his life with me as a married couple. The bottom line is that I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and invalidated. Since November I have been so upset about this matter and I questioned him over and over, until I just stopped asking questions last month. I came into the New Year thinking I would end it because I have to look out for myself and my feelings since he made it clear he wasn't ready. Here I still am and every day I want to broach the subject, but I stop myself b/c I feel it would be too humiliating to speak of marriage again. I want it to come from HIM! I want him to say he's crazy to let another day go by without proposing to me. I am so good to him, I am giving and supportive and I love him completely. He tells me he loves me too and asks if I feel what we have is not a commitment (since we live together). I've told him I want the commitment of marriage b/c that's what I feel is the next step for us, we are very compatible and in love, we have easy-going temperaments and respect one another. What gives? I've read a couple of self-help books on guys/dating/commitment, and that has helped me somewhat, but I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Any advice?

In the beginning of your relationship when the marriage issue came up he had an easy answer.  You're still married so it's not an option for us right now.  Now that you're divorced and available seems that he has retreated into a corner and is basically telling you exactly how he feels about his concepts on marriage.  They may seem like excuses to you but this is how he feels.  Simply put, he is not ready to get married again.

So you have 2 choices.  You can leave the relationship or you can continue to live together just as you are doing now.  There are many people who choose to live happily together without that piece of paper.  I guess the question is - is this enough for you?  If its not then you have your answer.  Beating him over the head, trying to change his mind won't accomplish anything.  His feelings are his feelings and only he can change them.  Can you see yourself living happily with this guy for the next 50 years even if you don't have a legal bond?  I realize that you'd feel more secure in this relationship if you had the matrimonial bond but  in reality that piece of paper is just that.  A piece of paper that does not guarantee that you will live happily ever after just as you have experienced in your divorce and his prior one as well.

Are you able to get into the mind set that what you have is a great beautiful loving relationship and if one day he proposes then you marry but if he doesn't - then you can still count your blessings that you are with a wonderful guy, in a committed relationship with a man who loves you?  

 
January 16, 2009, 3:01 pm CST

"I love you"

I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He still hasn't said "i love you".  He is really sweet and caring, however he has never flat out told me how he feels about me besides saying "i really care about you" a few times when I get upset.  I haven't said it to him either because I don't want to be the first one to say it. 

He has never arranged a date, except for our first date, or done anything sweet or romantic... I'm wondering if this is normal?

 
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