Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Everybody is different.  What's normal to you may not seem normal to him!  Seems like you may have to lead the way and ask him what you would like for him to do for you and then ask him the same for you.  He's not a mind reader and it may seem like common sense but some people are just more adventurous or exciting than others.   You could kinda play a game with it and tell him each week one of you must plan a surprise date etc...

My husband is the romantic one always planning things but I'm not.   This use to bother him but now he realizes after many years that I'm more simple and laid back and he's the get up and go kinda guy who's always on the run.   

It took me almost a year to tell my husband that I loved him but only after he told me.  I was scared to death!  Maybe this is the case with your guy as well?  If you love him- tell him.

Doesn't it seem deceitful in a way though, because he led me to believe the only thing holding us up was my pending divorce; I was always under the impression that it would be the next step. Yes, I know time changes things, but the reality is that he stuck it out for 5+ years (we've had our ups and downs, but who doesn't?), therefore, after my divorce went through in Dec. '07, I was convinced it would only be a matter of time b4 he got around to making our arrangement "offficial". Also, how can a person not feel somewhat resentful in this case? It wasn't like I was asking him about marriage all that time. Close friends and family actually brought it up because they saw what a strong bond we had, how he was living with me, etc. He could have had a heart to heart with me and expressed his ambivalence rather than let me believe it was only a matter of time. Fast forward to today, and this is why I'm so confused by it all. It's no wonder so many people post about the same subject, why there are rows and rows of books in the Self-Improvement section of B&N -- Men can't come clean and be honest about their feelings!!

I have been living with a man for 30months and he wont commit, he promised August last year that we would get engaged, well I'm still waiting, I don't work, I cook and clean for him, he goes to his sister once a month cause she doesn't like me, leaves me alone to look after the dogs when he's gone, I ask him where our relationship is going and he responds why am I so negative, I told him I would like security in a relationship, It has been 30 months.

Please can anybody tell me what am I to do?

That old saying popped into my head "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  You've been doing all of those wifely duties but without the ring on your finger.  He seems happy and content but you are getting angry and resentful.  Why should he marry you when you are already doing all of those things that wives would do for their husbands already?  You live together, cook his meals, clean the home and share the same bed.  He's getting what he wants but you're not.   What can you do to change this around?  (ie. move out, gain your own independence by getting a job)  You could easily give him an ultimatium about marrying you but should he decline - are you willing to end this relationship 100% and move on with your life?

Are you willing to leave this relationship if he does not marry you?   

I totally understand how you feel - betrayed, hurt, angry and a hundred other emotions.  And they're all valid feelings and they're yours.  Hell, he may even understand why you feel this way but if he is so dead set against marriage for hs own reasons I doubt he'll change his mind.  He went through a divorce and for years witnessed the hell you went through finalizing your divorce - that's enough to scare anybody!  He's obviously in the mindset regarding your relationship "Things aren't broken so why change things".  Problem is that you're feeling broken so the ball is in your court.  Again I go back to the same question - are you willing to lose all that you have because he won't put a ring on your finger?

If you don't feel that he understands how you're feeling and how this has affected you write him a letter and expect nothing back in return.   Write it without attacking him in any way, just simply pouring out your heart to him so that he completely gets it and can reread it a few times should he need to.  At least now you've been heard.  This may not change a damn thing but it's important that you know you've expressed how you feel.  And then like I said, it's all up to you as to where you go from here.

I'm a 20 year old woman who has gone through life with problems and all I want is a little bit of happiness and peace for a little while. I met a guy during the end of November, beginning of December. He's super sweet, a romantic that melts your heart. We have moved really really fast and to me it feels right. The only problem is that he has/had a girlfriend, who lives out of state and whom he says he's been dating for more than a year. 

I understand that, my motto in life is do what makes you happy. I just wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy so I stepped back. He has told me that he wasn't happy with her and that after cheating on her with me he knew that she wasn't right for him and he didn't want to hurt her anymore than he might already have. The beginning of Jan. he went to Mexico with her, a trip that was planned way before meeting me and he had already paid for plane tickets. I had no problems letting him go, I wanted him to go and have fun. But he got back about a week ago and just yesterday he broke down and told his girlfriend about what he had done.

A few weeks into our little affair he told me that he cared deeply for me and didn't want to hurt me and we have been open and honest with one another. But he told her that he had messed up and didn't want to hurt her anymore and that it was over. Her response was that shes coming to visit him for the weekend. She wants to try to make it work and she told him that he was the love her life and she would be open to him seeing other people and doing the stuff that makes him happy just as long as he didn't have a physical relationship with someone else. I told him how deeply I felt for him and he admitted how deeply he felt for me.

But he told me how deeply confused he was on life and what would make him happy. He's 28, in the military, works two jobs because he enjoys them both and believes that he should be alone for the rest of his life. I want to show him that the love his life could be right in front of him and I just want him to give me a try but how do I convince him to give it a try? Is it even a good idea? He doesn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go.

My advice would be to totally remove yourself from this situation for a few reasons.

1.  He cheated on her with you - which usually means if he did it to her, he'll do it to you.

2.  He needs to end one relationship and heal from it before starting another.

3.  He's confused.  Give him alone time - he's telling you he needs it, listen to him.

4.  You shouldn't ever have to convince someone to have a relationship with you!

You are in the middle of this love triangle and you have no business being there.  It's not always wise to do in life what makes you happy because there are at times consequences.  This other girl, his GF of one year is now hurting because neither one of you considered her feelings.  I don't want this to sound harsh but life isn't all about you and what makes you happy.  You have to be considerate of other people as well before jumping into things and you have to weigh the situation to see of you are setting yourself up for disappointment as well.  Anyway, I think you did the right thing to step aside.  Let him fix his own problems and give him time to decide what he wants to do with his life and you need to do the same.  You don't want to date this guy on the rebound and especially one who sounds as confused as he is.  He does sound like he needs to be alone to sort out his life for however long it takes.