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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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January 17, 2009, 12:22 pm CST

Some people need to be taught

Quote From: jozie213

I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He still hasn't said "i love you".  He is really sweet and caring, however he has never flat out told me how he feels about me besides saying "i really care about you" a few times when I get upset.  I haven't said it to him either because I don't want to be the first one to say it. 

He has never arranged a date, except for our first date, or done anything sweet or romantic... I'm wondering if this is normal?

Everybody is different.  What's normal to you may not seem normal to him!  Seems like you may have to lead the way and ask him what you would like for him to do for you and then ask him the same for you.  He's not a mind reader and it may seem like common sense but some people are just more adventurous or exciting than others.   You could kinda play a game with it and tell him each week one of you must plan a surprise date etc...

 

My husband is the romantic one always planning things but I'm not.   This use to bother him but now he realizes after many years that I'm more simple and laid back and he's the get up and go kinda guy who's always on the run.   

 

It took me almost a year to tell my husband that I loved him but only after he told me.  I was scared to death!  Maybe this is the case with your guy as well?  If you love him- tell him.

 
January 18, 2009, 6:26 pm CST

reversal

Quote From: janessaluv

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

Dear Janessa,

I have been in a serious committed relationship for 3.5 years now with a man who has a vasectomy and two children from a previous marriage.  His spouse cheated on him and dumped him.  When we started dating he told me about the vasectomy and that he didn't want anymore children.

After 6 months of dating I decided that I was not willing to give up the experience or the possibility of having a child of my own.  It took two emotionally difficult months from the time of my decision, for him to decide that I meant too much to him to loose.  He agreed to have the reversal.

But it has become a constant issue in our relationship.  He promised almost 3 years ago now to have the reversal but every time I brought it up there was excuse after excuse about why he wouldn't do it at that time.  First it was money and I eventually agreed that I would pay for it.  But now even though I have saved the money and the timing is finally right he has backed out once again.  Now falling back on reasons that he's afraid to commit to such a big decision because of his multiple perceived short comings on my part.

I have had enough and after many failed promises I'm ready to just break up.  Before you end up like me be very careful about forcing anyone to make such a decision.  My boyfriend has so much baggage from being cheated on and having a broken family that I feel he is too afraid of the possibility that he will end up with yet another child suffering a broken marriage.

Sure he talks about wanting to marry me and have a baby with me but each and every time we've gotten close to him making that appointment his fear and true feelings take over.  He was VERY clear about not wanting more children, and when he did agree to get a reversal I made the HUGE mistake of giving him too much time.  Accepting excuse after excuse, hoping over and over that he would get the surgery.  And where has it gotten me, except 3 more years of my life wasted on someone who NEVER wanted the same things that I did. 

Be very clear to yourself about how long you are willing to wait for him and stick to that timeline, and until he has the surgery don't count on his promises.  Like the old saying actions speak louder than words.

If you have to walk away at the end of that time at least it will be on your terms.  And if I had it to do over I would have walked away at 6 months and never tried to get him to agree to this.
 
January 22, 2009, 4:21 pm CST

Not Sure

I have been dating this man for 2 years and he has 2 young daughters their mother has never really been there and has been in rehab for the last 2 years .... they spend most of the time at my house he brings the laundry over for me to wash I transport him back and forth to work and to pick up the youngest when she is in after school care and I dont mind doing any of this but he rarely helps with buying food or paying for gas he saves on his utility bills because they are at my house and he never offers to help I brought it up to him that we should get a house together and share the bills and expenses and he was all for it we have been looking for a house we found one that the kids loved (his and mine) but as the time to move is nearing he says he is not ready so I told him that after 2 years if he wasnt ready to commit as far as living together then it was time to let go because I feel that he is using me and likes the stability that I offer but does not want the responsibility and now I am feeling bad and some what guilty was it wrong for me to put my foot down.
 
January 23, 2009, 6:28 am CST

Consider yourself lucky!

Quote From: jenny39

I have been dating this man for 2 years and he has 2 young daughters their mother has never really been there and has been in rehab for the last 2 years .... they spend most of the time at my house he brings the laundry over for me to wash I transport him back and forth to work and to pick up the youngest when she is in after school care and I dont mind doing any of this but he rarely helps with buying food or paying for gas he saves on his utility bills because they are at my house and he never offers to help I brought it up to him that we should get a house together and share the bills and expenses and he was all for it we have been looking for a house we found one that the kids loved (his and mine) but as the time to move is nearing he says he is not ready so I told him that after 2 years if he wasnt ready to commit as far as living together then it was time to let go because I feel that he is using me and likes the stability that I offer but does not want the responsibility and now I am feeling bad and some what guilty was it wrong for me to put my foot down.
Hell NO.  If he can't seem to pay half of his share now, what makes you think he will in the future?  Remember the best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.   You've got these huge red flags staring at you, don't ignore them.  His not paying his fair share of the expenses tells alot about his character, values and morals - he's got none!  To even consider buying a home with this guy would be a huge mistake.  He knows that if both of your names are on that loan then he is half responsible for paying that mortgage which means free ride is over.  He just did you a favor by telling you he wasn't ready.  Stop feeling guilty and move on.
 
January 26, 2009, 11:01 am CST

Deceitful, in a way??

Quote From: daisybull

In the beginning of your relationship when the marriage issue came up he had an easy answer.  You're still married so it's not an option for us right now.  Now that you're divorced and available seems that he has retreated into a corner and is basically telling you exactly how he feels about his concepts on marriage.  They may seem like excuses to you but this is how he feels.  Simply put, he is not ready to get married again.

So you have 2 choices.  You can leave the relationship or you can continue to live together just as you are doing now.  There are many people who choose to live happily together without that piece of paper.  I guess the question is - is this enough for you?  If its not then you have your answer.  Beating him over the head, trying to change his mind won't accomplish anything.  His feelings are his feelings and only he can change them.  Can you see yourself living happily with this guy for the next 50 years even if you don't have a legal bond?  I realize that you'd feel more secure in this relationship if you had the matrimonial bond but  in reality that piece of paper is just that.  A piece of paper that does not guarantee that you will live happily ever after just as you have experienced in your divorce and his prior one as well.

Are you able to get into the mind set that what you have is a great beautiful loving relationship and if one day he proposes then you marry but if he doesn't - then you can still count your blessings that you are with a wonderful guy, in a committed relationship with a man who loves you?  

Doesn't it seem deceitful in a way though, because he led me to believe the only thing holding us up was my pending divorce; I was always under the impression that it would be the next step. Yes, I know time changes things, but the reality is that he stuck it out for 5+ years (we've had our ups and downs, but who doesn't?), therefore, after my divorce went through in Dec. '07, I was convinced it would only be a matter of time b4 he got around to making our arrangement "offficial". Also, how can a person not feel somewhat resentful in this case? It wasn't like I was asking him about marriage all that time. Close friends and family actually brought it up because they saw what a strong bond we had, how he was living with me, etc. He could have had a heart to heart with me and expressed his ambivalence rather than let me believe it was only a matter of time. Fast forward to today, and this is why I'm so confused by it all. It's no wonder so many people post about the same subject, why there are rows and rows of books in the Self-Improvement section of B&N -- Men can't come clean and be honest about their feelings!!

 
January 27, 2009, 6:15 am CST

Am I just a convenience

I have been living with a man for 30months and he wont commit, he promised August last year that we would get engaged, well I'm still waiting, I don't work, I cook and clean for him, he goes to his sister once a month cause she doesn't like me, leaves me alone to look after the dogs when he's gone, I ask him where our relationship is going and he responds why am I so negative, I told him I would like security in a relationship, It has been 30 months.

 

Please can anybody tell me what am I to do?

 
January 28, 2009, 5:47 am CST

Question

Quote From: abnormal1

I have been living with a man for 30months and he wont commit, he promised August last year that we would get engaged, well I'm still waiting, I don't work, I cook and clean for him, he goes to his sister once a month cause she doesn't like me, leaves me alone to look after the dogs when he's gone, I ask him where our relationship is going and he responds why am I so negative, I told him I would like security in a relationship, It has been 30 months.

 

Please can anybody tell me what am I to do?

That old saying popped into my head "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  You've been doing all of those wifely duties but without the ring on your finger.  He seems happy and content but you are getting angry and resentful.  Why should he marry you when you are already doing all of those things that wives would do for their husbands already?  You live together, cook his meals, clean the home and share the same bed.  He's getting what he wants but you're not.   What can you do to change this around?  (ie. move out, gain your own independence by getting a job)  You could easily give him an ultimatium about marrying you but should he decline - are you willing to end this relationship 100% and move on with your life?

Are you willing to leave this relationship if he does not marry you?   

 
January 28, 2009, 6:06 am CST

I agree

Quote From: brianaeric

Doesn't it seem deceitful in a way though, because he led me to believe the only thing holding us up was my pending divorce; I was always under the impression that it would be the next step. Yes, I know time changes things, but the reality is that he stuck it out for 5+ years (we've had our ups and downs, but who doesn't?), therefore, after my divorce went through in Dec. '07, I was convinced it would only be a matter of time b4 he got around to making our arrangement "offficial". Also, how can a person not feel somewhat resentful in this case? It wasn't like I was asking him about marriage all that time. Close friends and family actually brought it up because they saw what a strong bond we had, how he was living with me, etc. He could have had a heart to heart with me and expressed his ambivalence rather than let me believe it was only a matter of time. Fast forward to today, and this is why I'm so confused by it all. It's no wonder so many people post about the same subject, why there are rows and rows of books in the Self-Improvement section of B&N -- Men can't come clean and be honest about their feelings!!

I totally understand how you feel - betrayed, hurt, angry and a hundred other emotions.  And they're all valid feelings and they're yours.  Hell, he may even understand why you feel this way but if he is so dead set against marriage for hs own reasons I doubt he'll change his mind.  He went through a divorce and for years witnessed the hell you went through finalizing your divorce - that's enough to scare anybody!  He's obviously in the mindset regarding your relationship "Things aren't broken so why change things".  Problem is that you're feeling broken so the ball is in your court.  Again I go back to the same question - are you willing to lose all that you have because he won't put a ring on your finger?

If you don't feel that he understands how you're feeling and how this has affected you write him a letter and expect nothing back in return.   Write it without attacking him in any way, just simply pouring out your heart to him so that he completely gets it and can reread it a few times should he need to.  At least now you've been heard.  This may not change a damn thing but it's important that you know you've expressed how you feel.  And then like I said, it's all up to you as to where you go from here.

 
January 29, 2009, 2:15 pm CST

Advice

I'm a 20 year old woman who has gone through life with problems and all I want is a little bit of happiness and peace for a little while. I met a guy during the end of November, beginning of December. He's super sweet, a romantic that melts your heart. We have moved really really fast and to me it feels right. The only problem is that he has/had a girlfriend, who lives out of state and whom he says he's been dating for more than a year. 

I understand that, my motto in life is do what makes you happy. I just wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy so I stepped back. He has told me that he wasn't happy with her and that after cheating on her with me he knew that she wasn't right for him and he didn't want to hurt her anymore than he might already have. The beginning of Jan. he went to Mexico with her, a trip that was planned way before meeting me and he had already paid for plane tickets. I had no problems letting him go, I wanted him to go and have fun. But he got back about a week ago and just yesterday he broke down and told his girlfriend about what he had done.

A few weeks into our little affair he told me that he cared deeply for me and didn't want to hurt me and we have been open and honest with one another. But he told her that he had messed up and didn't want to hurt her anymore and that it was over. Her response was that shes coming to visit him for the weekend. She wants to try to make it work and she told him that he was the love her life and she would be open to him seeing other people and doing the stuff that makes him happy just as long as he didn't have a physical relationship with someone else. I told him how deeply I felt for him and he admitted how deeply he felt for me.

But he told me how deeply confused he was on life and what would make him happy. He's 28, in the military, works two jobs because he enjoys them both and believes that he should be alone for the rest of his life. I want to show him that the love his life could be right in front of him and I just want him to give me a try but how do I convince him to give it a try? Is it even a good idea? He doesn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go.

 
January 30, 2009, 10:22 pm CST

Let him go.

Quote From: vickyf1455

I'm a 20 year old woman who has gone through life with problems and all I want is a little bit of happiness and peace for a little while. I met a guy during the end of November, beginning of December. He's super sweet, a romantic that melts your heart. We have moved really really fast and to me it feels right. The only problem is that he has/had a girlfriend, who lives out of state and whom he says he's been dating for more than a year. 

I understand that, my motto in life is do what makes you happy. I just wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy so I stepped back. He has told me that he wasn't happy with her and that after cheating on her with me he knew that she wasn't right for him and he didn't want to hurt her anymore than he might already have. The beginning of Jan. he went to Mexico with her, a trip that was planned way before meeting me and he had already paid for plane tickets. I had no problems letting him go, I wanted him to go and have fun. But he got back about a week ago and just yesterday he broke down and told his girlfriend about what he had done.

A few weeks into our little affair he told me that he cared deeply for me and didn't want to hurt me and we have been open and honest with one another. But he told her that he had messed up and didn't want to hurt her anymore and that it was over. Her response was that shes coming to visit him for the weekend. She wants to try to make it work and she told him that he was the love her life and she would be open to him seeing other people and doing the stuff that makes him happy just as long as he didn't have a physical relationship with someone else. I told him how deeply I felt for him and he admitted how deeply he felt for me.

But he told me how deeply confused he was on life and what would make him happy. He's 28, in the military, works two jobs because he enjoys them both and believes that he should be alone for the rest of his life. I want to show him that the love his life could be right in front of him and I just want him to give me a try but how do I convince him to give it a try? Is it even a good idea? He doesn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go.

My advice would be to totally remove yourself from this situation for a few reasons.

 

1.  He cheated on her with you - which usually means if he did it to her, he'll do it to you.

2.  He needs to end one relationship and heal from it before starting another.

3.  He's confused.  Give him alone time - he's telling you he needs it, listen to him.

4.  You shouldn't ever have to convince someone to have a relationship with you!

 

You are in the middle of this love triangle and you have no business being there.  It's not always wise to do in life what makes you happy because there are at times consequences.  This other girl, his GF of one year is now hurting because neither one of you considered her feelings.  I don't want this to sound harsh but life isn't all about you and what makes you happy.  You have to be considerate of other people as well before jumping into things and you have to weigh the situation to see of you are setting yourself up for disappointment as well.  Anyway, I think you did the right thing to step aside.  Let him fix his own problems and give him time to decide what he wants to do with his life and you need to do the same.  You don't want to date this guy on the rebound and especially one who sounds as confused as he is.  He does sound like he needs to be alone to sort out his life for however long it takes. 

 
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