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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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February 2, 2009, 10:25 am CST

Should I wait around..

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the last two years we get along amazing and have such a deep understanding of eachother. We would be just great if he could make up his mind! I'm 24 (which I know sounds young) and am ready to settle down a little more, I graduate in 2 months, already run a business and am really looking forward to giving my daughter a more routine and normal home life.  I've lived on my own since 17 raising my daughter, working, and putting myself through school, while living with her abusive father for 4 years before I ended it, I wanted more out of life and he wasn't going to help me there. So I moved on and up and found myself with a man that truly completes me; empowering and loving me to the fullest. After the first year,  we were great, talked about living together in the near future but now he's so unsure and it's hurting us. He's 27 lives with his parents and just opend a business himself, leaving him stressed for cash and about everything else. Now all things we used to talk about never happens anymore and he brings up topics like he doesn't know if he is ready to be a part of my daughters life or if this is the right path for him. I don't know if his fears are real or just maganified because he's never really had an adversity or hardships in his life. He's never had worry about how he spent his money or had serious responsibilities beyond a daily routine.
Hense my confusion! Do I wait it out, him getting his head straight or move on to someone who's ready to be at my level... I've never had such a positive force in my life, but is that enough to hang on. Or do I do what I always do when someone can't keep up.. Kick them to the curb!! And keep achieving my dreams!
 
February 4, 2009, 3:55 am CST

Talk to him

Quote From: ajdarrel

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the last two years we get along amazing and have such a deep understanding of eachother. We would be just great if he could make up his mind! I'm 24 (which I know sounds young) and am ready to settle down a little more, I graduate in 2 months, already run a business and am really looking forward to giving my daughter a more routine and normal home life.  I've lived on my own since 17 raising my daughter, working, and putting myself through school, while living with her abusive father for 4 years before I ended it, I wanted more out of life and he wasn't going to help me there. So I moved on and up and found myself with a man that truly completes me; empowering and loving me to the fullest. After the first year,  we were great, talked about living together in the near future but now he's so unsure and it's hurting us. He's 27 lives with his parents and just opend a business himself, leaving him stressed for cash and about everything else. Now all things we used to talk about never happens anymore and he brings up topics like he doesn't know if he is ready to be a part of my daughters life or if this is the right path for him. I don't know if his fears are real or just maganified because he's never really had an adversity or hardships in his life. He's never had worry about how he spent his money or had serious responsibilities beyond a daily routine.
Hense my confusion! Do I wait it out, him getting his head straight or move on to someone who's ready to be at my level... I've never had such a positive force in my life, but is that enough to hang on. Or do I do what I always do when someone can't keep up.. Kick them to the curb!! And keep achieving my dreams!

Since you are unclear as to whether or not you two have a future together I would have a heart to heart conversation with him asking him to clarify your previous discussions.  His statements have left you trying to guess and read his mind so clarification is in order.  If in fact he is still second guessing himself as to whether or not he wants to be a part of your family after 2 years tells me that he is not up for that challenge. 

You sound like a person who knows what she wants and has clear hopes and dreams for your future unfortunately he may no longer share those same goals.  Talk to him one last time and make your decision after you truly understand  where his head is at.  There's no sense in prolonging the inevitable especially since you have a daughter to think about as well.  Best of luck to you.  

 
February 5, 2009, 6:53 am CST

Problems with my daughter

My daughter has always been very headstrong, independent and decisive about things she wants, or so I thought until she started dating.

She has been talking to a guy for about a year now, wouldn't agree to start dating him until about three months ago, broke up with him about a week and a half ago, got back together this past Tuesday, and now is questioning her decision just after two days.

We have talked for hours! We are a very close knit family that can talk about anything and she has confided in me that she has such a fatalistic view of relationships and marriage, which is odd to me because she was raised in a home where her parents love each other (married for 22 years), grandparents on both sides that have been faithful and loyal (married for 44 and 45 years), and the guy that she is with is incredibly sweet, loyal and loves her to death. She is also very loyal to her friends. They can pretty much do anything to her, have any kind of faults, and she still is their friend. But when it comes to having a boyfriend, and I get the strong indication that it wouldn't matter who it is, she is so afraid to the point it is stunting any opportunity to grow. Like she is putting her life on hold because she knows that the relationship requires work and love and patience. And yet, when I get her to take a moment to talk about the things she loves about him, I can't get her to shut up. How can I help her to overcome this debilitating fear she has?

 
February 5, 2009, 9:45 am CST

I dont get it

 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we share 2 children together. He lies to me all the time and doesnt seem to think he needs to tell me where hes been. He has cheated on me in the past. For example when he goes to school, he has breaks and friends etc just like most people. When he comes home I out of interest in him and his life and also out of lack of trust ask him what he did today. He tells me he sat in the cafeteria. A couple days later I find out he went to a friends house. I confront him and he tells me he didnt think it mattered. So why didnt he just tell me why not just say he went to his friends house?

 

I am a stay at home mom and do everything for the kids and around the house but he is always needing his "leizure time". I am never included in any of this nor does he usually tell me the whole story about where he had been or who he was with as once again "I am not his mom and he didnt think it mattered or we dont need to be attached at the hip" Am I the only one with a boyfriend that seems to think he doesnt need to tell me what goes on in his life or that I am entitled to the truth especially after infedelity??? How do I get him to understand that I have the right to know these things or that I matter too??

 
February 8, 2009, 8:44 pm CST

confused

Im currently been dating my girlfriend for about two weeks and we get along totaly fine and i can honestly say i miss being around her at times.but i don't know if i really have interest towards her or if im just with her because i was tired of being single for almost a year.. she is a beautiful girl and a sweetheart, i want to honestly say i am with her because i like her but part of my mind wants to say something else..
    but then again i live with my parents and my mother has always ususally found something she did't like about any girlfriend i have ever had. So i don't know if that voice in my head is just my mind just reacting to what she has put me though all my life or if its truely speaking out to me... how can i figure out what i truely feel and not have this voice in my head???
 
February 9, 2009, 6:12 pm CST

Deciding on when to be a couple

How long do you think is too long before a guy to consider you his girlfriend?  I have been dating someone since December and he doesn't want to label our relationship as a couple yet.  Do you think there is anything wrong with this?
 
February 10, 2009, 3:00 am CST

Its too early for some....too late for others.

Quote From: santasprincess

How long do you think is too long before a guy to consider you his girlfriend?  I have been dating someone since December and he doesn't want to label our relationship as a couple yet.  Do you think there is anything wrong with this?

In most relationships, initially, one person likes the other a little more and is better able to make a decision on whether it is permenant or not. Some people don't want to commit so soon because they are still uncertain about what they want.  We cant' make someoe love us....it has to happen naturally.  It is very tempting to want security, closure, guarantees with someone that we care about and want in our lives, but, the one thing that rings true in most cases, is, be careful what you ask you because you just may get it and then realize its not what you wanted.!!  So, when in asking for love, intimacy, etc. from him, look and see what it is that is making so desperate to have it be with him.

 

The fact that he won't call you his girlfriend is because maybe he is waiting for the sex.  If you have already had sex, then it is already an intimate relationship but it just might not be what he wants. Good luck.

 
February 15, 2009, 4:54 am CST

Still Waiting

Well, It's been a long time since I have posted a message on here. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We have both been married before and the marriages did not end well. When we first started dating I felt like I met the man of my dreams and I still feel that way, but he seems to change his mind about our relationship based on his moods.
He used to talk about marrying me all of the time when we first started dating. He even took me out looking at rings, then something changed. I don't know what happened, but he now says he doesn't know if he'll ever get married. He knows how I feel. I want to be married and have a family and move on. Everytime I have talked to him about us wanting different things and that maybe we should just end this because I do want a husband and family, he says he wants the same thing and he sees that in our future. Well, I don't want to be an old bride. I am approaching my 32nd b-day and I want more. I have a great career. I feel like I have accomplished the things I have wanted to do as an individual professionally, but I really want my partner to want the same life as me as far as wanting to be married and have children. I can't figure out what I did wrong to make him change his mind about me.
Now, we've purchased a home together and I am starting to feel trapped, like this is the life I have created for myself, so just live with the fact that he loves me and wants to be with me, but we won't get married or have children. Is it fair for him to change his mind like that? Why am I not good enough for him to marry anymore? I feel almost lied to and used. I really believe in marriage and the only reason I entered into all of this is because he said he wanted the same before. I love him so much and I really don't want to leave, but how can we come to a mutual agreement about our future? Is this a deal breaker and should I just leave and start over? I am so attracted to him and I love spending time with him, but is it wrong to want more for my own life? I feel like I deserve more. I keep thinking that maybe there is someone else out there that would see what a great catch I am and treat me like I deserve. How much longer do I wait? Youth only lasts so long and like I said I don't want to be an old bride and have menopause babies.
 
March 3, 2009, 3:59 pm CST

More then just "friends"

Alright, here goes nothing.  I need a fresh perspective on this relationship, that is what I call it but he differs on the subject.  We met almost 3 years ago, were in an exclusive relationship, talked marriage the 1st year.  He bailed out, said I wasn't the "one." (we are born again Christians).  Of course I was crushed.  Months later we saw each other again, no sex.  We both dated other people and this went on for several months.  Now, he has placed all women in the "friend" mode which includes me.  I told him no, I want to be number one to him and 2nd best simply does not work for me.  We are together  3 to 4 days out of the week but he doesn't consider the things we do as dates or a relationship like movies, eating out, karaoke (we both sing), among other things.  He tells me he is still looking for the "one" by looking on every dating site there is.  What can I do or say?  I have been making myself less available to him or I am I wasting my time on a no win situation?  Yes, I am still in love with him and I have dated other men but prefer to be with just him.
 
March 4, 2009, 8:10 am CST

says he will - but gives ZERO clues for me to believe him

ok so .. i think i wanna leave my bf bc i dont think hes going to commit ... i gave him a month and told him if it doesnt happen by then were done ... if he askes me wen i dont want to anymore , ill say no , i dont care who he asks me infront of im done!! ... he says he wants to be 23 or 24 wen he askes me , well we planned on having another baby by then , so im either going to just have had a baby or pregnant again , i told him if he asks then im leaving him ... i hate being w/ him bc of this =( .. any advice

 
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