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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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March 15, 2009, 12:50 pm CDT

No ties

My boyfriend of a year and a half and I have recently broken up because he wants to "do things before he marries and not have any ties."  When he and I met, we agreed that we would spend the rest of our lives together.  We agreed that neither of us had experienced the emotions that we had felt for one another.  It was as if I had met what some people would call a "soulmate."  In the past year and a half, we have never had an arguement.  We have always been very kind and warm to one another. 

About 6 months into the relationship, I noticed that when I would mention our future, he did not appeat to be as enthusiastic as he once had been.  In my eyes, it must have been of some inadequacy on my behalf.  Maybe there was something about me that had been discovered that made him have a change of heart.  I mentioned to him that I noticed a difference and he said that he "wasn't sure of what the future holds" and that he didn't want to make a promise that he couldn't keep.  It was my own personal insecurity that made me bring up the subject.  Within a year, I brought it up on three occasions.  On the last occasion, he shortly thereafter told me that this relationship was not what he wanted because he wasn't ready to committ.  He said that he has things that he would like to do before he marries and that he doesn't want to have any ties. He also claims that this doesn't have anything to do with peruing another woman or another relationship.  Because I have taken a step back to look at the situations objectively, I realize that, had I not mentioned marriage and a long term committment, we would still be together.  I would like to apologize to him and to ask to give it another chance since I have come to terms with the fact that I wasn't respecting his feeling.  I think that his biggest thing is that he wants to travel and that he wants to do it alone.  I'm just looking for a little feedback on this situation at this point.

 
March 16, 2009, 2:56 am CDT

Christina, Tara, and lady.

One of the hardest things that most of us have a problem with is really listening when someone tells us something. Sometimes, we are fortunate enough when they verbally let us know what they are thinking. Sometimes we have to stuggle with "trying to figure out" what their actions, or lack of actions, mean.

 In these cases, the men are not interested in long term. They are telling you. Why don't you listen??

 

Rejection, abandonment, issues of being alone or old and having no children, these are all valid concerns. But on the flip side of this, look at your lives 5-10-20 years from now with a man that never really loved you or never was really able to commit to you, might possibly work too much, cheat, get into porn and strip clubs, hang out with the guys all the time, leave you alone and lonely........then rewind to this moment in time and rethink how YOU can make this work for YOU if you YOU want to!

 

So many times I hear women blame men for their inability to commit, when they knew way early (women's intuition is key) thats why we got it ladies......that their men were, uh, not really into us....but enough that we would settle because maybe one wants a baby, or a nice house, or prestige in the community, or guaranteed sex every nite....:)))  but this is not the way life is. It is sometimes, and its not, sometimes.

 

The worse thing we can do is ignore what someone else is letting us in on, and ignore what our intuition is letting us know what is happening. Its not uncommon to find it easy to believe a narcissistic person that tells you what they know is going to get to you, but then the narcissist doesn't want to associate with anyone that would have him as a member.......woody allen 's quote. lol

 

Be thankful that he is letting you know he wants to travel alone, or doesn't know what he wants, because if you manipulate him to stay, and then get a loser or someone that is a sheep, you will forever be on this board wondering "what/why/how" did life get so complicated.! Take it from someone who has been there, being alone might have its down sides, but choosing to ignore what is right in front of you, is just being plain stupid and following your fears.

 

 

 
March 16, 2009, 12:38 pm CDT

Help

Hi, I met a guy (my ex) just over a year ago, for the whole year we were together everything went amazingly, together we both realised that we were had become best friends and we wanted all the same things and that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together (said to each other by each other on a regular basis). He has two young(ish) kids from a previous relationship (and an ex wife) who are based about 2 1/2 flight away. Whilst we together the first year my ex only saw the kids about 14 times all up and then over xmas went two months without seeing them. Part of this is to do with the bad relationship with his ex and his inability to deal with situations he doesn’t like when they argue (this happens a lot as she texts him on a weekly basis telling him what a bad person and bad father he is…..(When this happens he tends to walk away as opposed to deal with the issue). Anyway about all this time he came cold turkey off his depression medication because he ran out, he thought he would be ok, but then things changed and started to be different, sex drive went down, he wasn’t as tactile or loving anymore but we put this down to the being off his meds and he organised getting some more and going back on them. This happened and then a few weeks later he went away on a business trip for 8 days and also to see the children for the first time in 2 months. During this time I hardly heard from him and when I asked him why he wasn’t calling, I was told he was busy with the kids, he was busy with work and a whole manner of other things. Only problem with this was that being busy had never stopped him before. Then because of all of this we had a big argument the day he was flying back in to and I said in anger that maybe he should move to be closer to his friends and kids if that was what would make him happy. He then pretty much put the phone down and refused to speak to me for the rest of the day, ignoring my phone calls and texts to ring me when he knew how panicked and bad I felt for saying that. When he arrived back in town and unknown to me he went straight to his boss to ask for a work transfer back up north. The following day he told me about this and then he told me he no longer knew if he wanted any more children (he knows in a few years that I will). So after discussions it was decided that I would move out the house and we would give each other some space. We tried to see each other but things started to feel really awkward as no one knew how to act, so then we decided to call it quits but we would try to be friends. He know calls me and is friendly when he wants to see me but then when he is away I will hardly hear from him, I might just get quite a cold and random text or email if I haven’t been in touch. On two occasions I said that we should quit all contact but both times that caused him to coming running back, then we spend time together he says we will meet in a few days and that happens but I don’t hear from him in that interim. I don’t know what is going on, he wants us to stay in touch as he is organising seeing a therapist for his issues when he transfers as he feels that with help we could get back together. Part of me wants to believe him because the changes that we have experienced all happened so quickly in the last 6 weeks and some days I cant believe that it could just be over as everything was so great before. But then I think what happens if he stringing me along (wants his cake and to eat it) just in case things don’t work out for him when he moves up north or just because he changes his mind. He says he still loves me very much but he has issues he needs to sort, I just feel that he so hot and cold that I don’t know what to believe or what to do for the best. I believe that nothing is easy and somethings you have to work for but I also don’t want to be in a situation were I am being dangled a carrot just in case….. Any advice would be appreciated.

 
March 16, 2009, 1:23 pm CDT

Read my last message. :(

Quote From: elspeth29

Hi, I met a guy (my ex) just over a year ago, for the whole year we were together everything went amazingly, together we both realised that we were had become best friends and we wanted all the same things and that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together (said to each other by each other on a regular basis). He has two young(ish) kids from a previous relationship (and an ex wife) who are based about 2 1/2 flight away. Whilst we together the first year my ex only saw the kids about 14 times all up and then over xmas went two months without seeing them. Part of this is to do with the bad relationship with his ex and his inability to deal with situations he doesnt like when they argue (this happens a lot as she texts him on a weekly basis telling him what a bad person and bad father he is..(When this happens he tends to walk away as opposed to deal with the issue). Anyway about all this time he came cold turkey off his depression medication because he ran out, he thought he would be ok, but then things changed and started to be different, sex drive went down, he wasnt as tactile or loving anymore but we put this down to the being off his meds and he organised getting some more and going back on them. This happened and then a few weeks later he went away on a business trip for 8 days and also to see the children for the first time in 2 months. During this time I hardly heard from him and when I asked him why he wasnt calling, I was told he was busy with the kids, he was busy with work and a whole manner of other things. Only problem with this was that being busy had never stopped him before. Then because of all of this we had a big argument the day he was flying back in to and I said in anger that maybe he should move to be closer to his friends and kids if that was what would make him happy. He then pretty much put the phone down and refused to speak to me for the rest of the day, ignoring my phone calls and texts to ring me when he knew how panicked and bad I felt for saying that. When he arrived back in town and unknown to me he went straight to his boss to ask for a work transfer back up north. The following day he told me about this and then he told me he no longer knew if he wanted any more children (he knows in a few years that I will). So after discussions it was decided that I would move out the house and we would give each other some space. We tried to see each other but things started to feel really awkward as no one knew how to act, so then we decided to call it quits but we would try to be friends. He know calls me and is friendly when he wants to see me but then when he is away I will hardly hear from him, I might just get quite a cold and random text or email if I havent been in touch. On two occasions I said that we should quit all contact but both times that caused him to coming running back, then we spend time together he says we will meet in a few days and that happens but I dont hear from him in that interim. I dont know what is going on, he wants us to stay in touch as he is organising seeing a therapist for his issues when he transfers as he feels that with help we could get back together. Part of me wants to believe him because the changes that we have experienced all happened so quickly in the last 6 weeks and some days I cant believe that it could just be over as everything was so great before. But then I think what happens if he stringing me along (wants his cake and to eat it) just in case things dont work out for him when he moves up north or just because he changes his mind. He says he still loves me very much but he has issues he needs to sort, I just feel that he so hot and cold that I dont know what to believe or what to do for the best. I believe that nothing is easy and somethings you have to work for but I also dont want to be in a situation were I am being dangled a carrot just in case.. Any advice would be appreciated.

Unfortunately, he does not want to be with you anymore. I don't know how else to say it. He is stringing you along....and you know what???? If he isn't? And it is his meds???? Then you need to let him sort it out...like he told you he needs to do...step out of the way....you will only get run over. Sorry. But you need someone that is more stable.
 
March 19, 2009, 10:59 am CDT

Friends that started dating

 Hi my name is ashey and im 18 years of age and i have a bit of a story but also some questions.
I am in my last year of high school and going on to college to become a nurse and im having a problem with my boyfriend whos name i will keep private. Myself and my current boyfriend started dating about a year ago we went from being good frineds for years to dating. I thought that everything was good untill about a couple months ago when he started acting weird when he was around me. It seems that he wants to spend more time with his friends rather then myself and this has been going on for sometime now and im not sure how to tell him how i feel about it because everytime i tell him how i feel he takes it in a negative way and then becomes mad at me infact just a few weeks ago he got mad at me for confronting him about how he "forgot" to call me that night when he was with his friends and the next day at school he moved his stuff out of my locker and dumped me right to my face and in front of my friends.... but hears the kicker he got back together with me the same day about an hour later and im shocked to say that i took him back and we have been together ever since. We have been getting into fights for a while now because he never really wants to commit himself to me and im not really sure that he loves me or if i should even try to love him. It seems like the one thing that we fight about the most would have to be the fact that hes leaving me in the summer to join the navy which i totally don't approve of because his parents are making him join and he really dont have a choice. In my opinon and from experience long distant relationships never work and i really in a way don't want to lose him and i dont know what to do about it.
I am completely open for any suggestions anyone on hear may have please help me decide if maybe its just best if we call it quits or stay together.
Thanks!
 
April 14, 2009, 6:03 pm CDT

8 1/2 Years together and he is scared of the thought of Marriage??

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 1/2 years and own a house together. We starting dating in 2001 and moved into our house in 2005. Everything is awesome so far but I get frusterated because we've talked about Marriage many times but no luck. I've talked about it so much that he now gets frusterated when the topic comes up. I am kinda sad about the whole situation. When we have the "Marriage" conversation  his response is the same everytime "I am too young and also that no one will ever pressure me into getting married". How frusterating is that. We are 26 years old and I remember way back when we first dated that we figure when we were 25 years old that would be a good age for kids. I know things change but we are now both turning 26 and nothing has changed. My twin sister is having a baby and is due in June and my older sister is married. Everyone always said that they predict that we would be married and have kids before both of them would but now I am sitting on the sidelines watching them have the things that I want. We are financially stable, we own a new house, we have the vehicles and toys that we want, as far as i'm concerned we don't need anything else but kids and marriage. His parents are even mentioning that they want grand babies which was shocking to hear because they are the type of parents that hated the idea of us moving in together before we were married. (maybe I should of waited) now they want grand babies before we get married? hmm.. I lived in BC and In January I moved to Alberta because he got offered a job that he couldn't refuse.. I moved away from my family, which we are very close I must add. My twin sister is having the first baby in our family in June and I will miss out on soooo much of the babies life. He has  3 year plan in Alberta in his head and I only have a year planned so far. The thought of leaving him here and me going back home is a sad thought.... but I left behind everything to come up here with him, which I was willing to do because I love him a lot and I knew that this will help us out with future plans..  I even had a nicer ultamatum when it was time for me to come up here... It was in order for me to come up here and stay for a while I said to him that I need some further commitment from him in order for me to stay.... and he agreed.. I've been up here for 3 months and brought it up again and he said "You've only been here for a couple of months" My response was well for 1 it's Fort McMurray and 2 your lucky I got off that plane....... I must add that his parents are divorced... which I know scares him and hes said that he is only giving 1 ring and that's it so I want to be sure it's right.............

Anyways.... I could go on and on but what should I do....  I don't want to make him seem horrible cause aside from that he is awesome and we do get along really well...  We both love each other and have everything we want but I am missing the most important thing... A commitment from my boyfriend......is that too much to ask....

Please let me know what your thinking.............  I am torn.....

(Sorry this letter is all over the place) My random thoughts... ;o)

 
May 15, 2009, 5:05 pm CDT

long distance

this guy and i have been talking for over six months now. we met while both on vacation.  we live very far apart from each other. but we like each other very much. he has made the trip to visit me twice and i have made the trip to visit him as well.  yet we dont really get past the "talking" stage. he wont give me the girlfriend title because he doesnt want to make it more complicated. but when i say then i need space then or we need to stop talking as much as we do. because we seriously talk all day everyday. Emails all day then talk over the web cam every night.  he gets upset that i want too cool it. i have asked him flat out where he thinks this is going. and he says just let it ride out.  It gets frustrating becaus ei care alot about him. but its starting to make me feel like im just here till he finds some thing better. and i have said that to him as well but he just goes i hate when you say stuff like that.  am i wrong for wanting a little more? or  am i just wasting my time. im not seeing or talking to any one else and he says hes not seeing or talking to anyone else.  which i believe. but now i getting to a what the hell stage. last time when we were around his friends i was introduced as a friend. but then expected me to be all over him when we went out with the same group of people. it made me feel stupid. 

 
June 9, 2009, 12:25 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: underthesun

this guy and i have been talking for over six months now. we met while both on vacation.  we live very far apart from each other. but we like each other very much. he has made the trip to visit me twice and i have made the trip to visit him as well.  yet we dont really get past the "talking" stage. he wont give me the girlfriend title because he doesnt want to make it more complicated. but when i say then i need space then or we need to stop talking as much as we do. because we seriously talk all day everyday. Emails all day then talk over the web cam every night.  he gets upset that i want too cool it. i have asked him flat out where he thinks this is going. and he says just let it ride out.  It gets frustrating becaus ei care alot about him. but its starting to make me feel like im just here till he finds some thing better. and i have said that to him as well but he just goes i hate when you say stuff like that.  am i wrong for wanting a little more? or  am i just wasting my time. im not seeing or talking to any one else and he says hes not seeing or talking to anyone else.  which i believe. but now i getting to a what the hell stage. last time when we were around his friends i was introduced as a friend. but then expected me to be all over him when we went out with the same group of people. it made me feel stupid. 

I don't think it's too much to ask. In my opinion he's wrong for keeping you dangling inbetween things like this.
I don't know all the things you've tried, but maybe it's time to actually give him the choice and stick by it. Tell him this is no way of doing things for you and you either move further into your relationship since you seem to be getting along so well, or either you quiet things down because just being stranded where you are is no option for you. It gives you no certainties at all and keeps you from growing and moving along in your life. Tell him a relationship is an important part of a person's existence and that decisions in other fields depend on this, that you need him to understand that stagnation in your contact with him may also mean stagnation in other parts of your life and that that's not something you can accept. Either he chooses to try something serious with you, or he stops putting your life on hold like this by taking a step back.
I think that's reasonable, after six months and you two spending as much time talking as you do. Especially when you're so far away from each other. He can't expect you to wait around for something significant to happen with him when he's giving you the feeling it might never do. If you feel the need to move forward, you have the right to do so. Either he can give you that, or he can't, but floating in the middle of it isn't gonna help either one of you.

Be straight with him, be clear and don't feel like you have to take "I don't know" for an answer just because he doesn't wanna put in the effort of deciding something. You have a life too. Tell him.
 
June 9, 2009, 9:25 am CDT

Question

I am 36 years old I am divorced once with 3 children. I have been dating this man who is divorced once and is 34 years old for alittle over 2 years.  Recently I moved in with him over the summer while my children are visiting their father for summer vacation. He asked that I move in to see how things would work out kind of a "trial run" and in turn save some money on my end. On the weekends that my kids visit he doesn't know what to do or how to handle having 3 kids in the house. When I ask him whats wrong he says "it just takes time for me to get used to". Recently after a weekend with the kids he came to me and said he thought we had made a mistake in moving in with each other and he thought it would be a good idea for me to move out when the kids come back to live with me full time. He said he would like for me to work out my issues IE: getting my divorce ammended, dealing with my credit card debt that was left in my name after the divorce.

I didn't agree at first but then decided that I really didn't have a choice but to agree. He promises that everything will be the same and we will get married when I resolve all of my issues that he really does not want to deal with, although he says he will "be there for me" and after everything is resolved we will address getting married at that time.

 

We do not see eye to eye about this at all! maybe I'm wrong about this but I would like a commitment from him; an engagement; a promise from him that we will get married when everything is resolved. I know I want to be with him when this is all said and done and he says he wants that as well, but he said there is NO WAY in HELL he is going to become engaged to me while the issues in my life haven't been resolved. He thinks the only reason I want an engagement is because I am insecure and I'm worried about what he will do once I have moved out and maybe I am insecure somewhat, but I do not think I'm being difficult in asking for that commitment from him. I'm not saying lets put a date on it, we can be engaged for 3 years if thats what it takes! I just want him to commit to me the right way. He says I should accept that he loves me and we will address getting married later on down the road.

 

My question is this: Should I just leave and never look back and realize that he is never going to commit to me? Or should I  wait and see what happens down the road?

 
June 10, 2009, 10:17 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: melanie5722

I am 36 years old I am divorced once with 3 children. I have been dating this man who is divorced once and is 34 years old for alittle over 2 years.  Recently I moved in with him over the summer while my children are visiting their father for summer vacation. He asked that I move in to see how things would work out kind of a "trial run" and in turn save some money on my end. On the weekends that my kids visit he doesn't know what to do or how to handle having 3 kids in the house. When I ask him whats wrong he says "it just takes time for me to get used to". Recently after a weekend with the kids he came to me and said he thought we had made a mistake in moving in with each other and he thought it would be a good idea for me to move out when the kids come back to live with me full time. He said he would like for me to work out my issues IE: getting my divorce ammended, dealing with my credit card debt that was left in my name after the divorce.

I didn't agree at first but then decided that I really didn't have a choice but to agree. He promises that everything will be the same and we will get married when I resolve all of my issues that he really does not want to deal with, although he says he will "be there for me" and after everything is resolved we will address getting married at that time.

 

We do not see eye to eye about this at all! maybe I'm wrong about this but I would like a commitment from him; an engagement; a promise from him that we will get married when everything is resolved. I know I want to be with him when this is all said and done and he says he wants that as well, but he said there is NO WAY in HELL he is going to become engaged to me while the issues in my life haven't been resolved. He thinks the only reason I want an engagement is because I am insecure and I'm worried about what he will do once I have moved out and maybe I am insecure somewhat, but I do not think I'm being difficult in asking for that commitment from him. I'm not saying lets put a date on it, we can be engaged for 3 years if thats what it takes! I just want him to commit to me the right way. He says I should accept that he loves me and we will address getting married later on down the road.

 

My question is this: Should I just leave and never look back and realize that he is never going to commit to me? Or should I  wait and see what happens down the road?

I think you should do neither. I think YOU should make a commitment. I feel he is right.

It's perfectly fair for someone to admit they cannot deal with the issues you have and that there can't be anything good coming from it for them if these issues keep existing, which also makes it perfectly fair of him to ask some commitment of YOU to resolve these things before he can commit to you without making it a big fat lie, which I think is very honest of him.  You can't expect someone who needs your issues resolved first, before being able to honestly commit, that they commit either way by getting engaged to you BEFORE your issues are resolved just because YOU need some security. Basically, I think he's right about that. Somehow you're not capable of trusting he will be with you when this is all worked out, which indeed leaves you asking for some form of commitment (which engagement is) out of insecurity.  That's sort of ambiguous, since he admits not wanting to commit until you resolve your issues...

See the cause and effect here. The thing for you to do is to take this as a positive influence on you taking things into your own hands and working out some problems. He's giving you a chance to make things better for yourself and "the two of you" so take it!  Commit. Work out your problems and show you can make an effort. It's not always the guys who have to prove themselves to us first before we decide it's gonne work, it works just as well the other way around.
 
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