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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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October 22, 2006, 4:45 pm CDT

What do you guys think?

I've been in this long distance relationship for 2 and a half years now. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other and see each other every other weekend, but we talk every day. He's a really good guy and we have a lot in common and have huge fun when we're together. I'm ready to go to the next step - engagement. I would be willing to move out to where he lives because right now we both live with our parents but he's in the process of buying 160 acres of land out where he is so it just seems natural for us to settle there. I've told him that I would help him build a house on the land once we're married but I'm cool with living in a trailer on the property in the mean time. But he still says he's not ready and he says its because he wants to build a house and have somewhere for us to live first. I understand the wanting somewhere for us to live thing but I wonder if thats really the problem or if its because he doesn't want to marry me. What do you guys think?

 

 
October 23, 2006, 2:52 am CDT

If only we had a crytsal ball.

Quote From: darlynn82

I've been in this long distance relationship for 2 and a half years now. We live 2 and a half hours away from each other and see each other every other weekend, but we talk every day. He's a really good guy and we have a lot in common and have huge fun when we're together. I'm ready to go to the next step - engagement. I would be willing to move out to where he lives because right now we both live with our parents but he's in the process of buying 160 acres of land out where he is so it just seems natural for us to settle there. I've told him that I would help him build a house on the land once we're married but I'm cool with living in a trailer on the property in the mean time. But he still says he's not ready and he says its because he wants to build a house and have somewhere for us to live first. I understand the wanting somewhere for us to live thing but I wonder if thats really the problem or if its because he doesn't want to marry me. What do you guys think?

 

I think you need to ask him that question.  You are not a mind reader, this is where communication skills come into play.  He may be telling you the truth or he simply may not be ready for marriage yet.  Talk to him about how you see your future together and ask if agrees with you.
 
October 23, 2006, 7:11 am CDT

Help

I need some advice and figured this would be the best place to get some honest feedback about my situation. Also, I apologize in advance if this is long.

 

 

I am 26, graduating from university in about a month and have recently found a very good job. I’ve been with my boyfriend going on 3 years and lately I’ve been feeling like our relationship isn’t really moving along. My boyfriend will be 30 this year, has been working full-time for the last 5 years or so and is in my opinion is at a time in his life where we could take our relationship a step further.

 

He is a great person. Kind, compassionate, honest and very trustworthy. Our relationship is great since we are very good friends in addition to lovers. However, he has not once brought up the topic of marriage or making a commitement and moving in together. He is such a nice person that he often puts his feelings aside to make other happy. About a month ago, I finally brought up the topic of moving in together and taking our relationship a step further. He responded positively but never mentioned it again.

 

We discussed it at that time but never touched the topic again until yesterday. I brought it up again and was very frustrated this time. I probably didn’t react properly as I got pretty upset but I’m starting to feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

He tells me he wants to live with me and spend the rest of his life with me – eventually marriage, but he can’t even bring the topic up in conversation. He says he’s been thinking about it a lot since the first time we’ve discussed it but has never mentioned a thing to me.

 

I’m starting to doubt his intentions. Although I’d love to believe that he wants a future together I can’t seem to understand why he wont take the lead. I feel that if someone wants something badly enough they’ll go after it. At this point he says he’s ready to make the move but I’m resistant because I wonder if I’ve manipulated him into it.

 

The last thing I want is to take our relationship to a deeper level and feel like I forced him into it.

 

I can’t understand why he isn’t excited about it, or why I’ve had to initiate these conversations! I wonder if I should break it off because if he wanted this he would have gone after it more aggressively

 

Should I be patient, should I push these feelings aside and simply wait it out? He’s telling me he wants this now but I simply can’t allow myself because I feel that he never wanted this to begin with….

 

Thank you for your time..

 
October 24, 2006, 11:18 am CDT

Still married to his wife

I've been dating "the man of my dreams" for 2 years....we live together in my house.  I've been divorced for 2 1/2 years.  He is still married.  At first, it didn't bother me, he was working on it and wanted to do right by his two teenagers ( I also have 2 teenagers. )  It's been 2 years now and for one reason or another, there's always a reason why he still isn't divorced.  The papers have been sent for his wife to sign and he says now that she is the procrastinator but he's not going to push her....it's been months now and no signing. We have started to argue about this all the time to the point that our relationship is in trouble.  I'm not pushing marriage...I'm not even thinking marriage and he knows this, neither is he.  I would just like to have the man that I love and who says he loves me, take the final step and end the marriage that he says doesn't mean a thing to him.  He is now saying that I am materialistic...what the heck does that mean....I get nothing material out of their divorce! 

 We get along wonderfully as long as I don't bring up the subject...I try to let it ride for as long as I can, I've gone months without speaking of it. 

Is it wrong of me to want him to have closure with his wife...that he says he no longer loves or shares anything with but his kids?

I also want to share with you the fact that he pays the mortgages and some of the bills at his house where his wife and kids live.  Because of that, he can't afford to help me like I need him too.  I pay all the expenses at my house, he gives me some money when he can but it can't be counted on.  I'm struggling to make ends meet....I'm making life easier for him while he's taking care of his wife. 

Why is he taking so long getting this divorce?  I truly believe it's not because he thinks he'll ever get back with his wife...she has a longtime boyfriend...he thinks I should "get off it" and quit harping on him about it because it's "just a piece of paper" that means absolutely nothing to him, "in his heart he is divorced!"  "If he doesn't get divorced for 10 more years it shouldn't be a concern of mine!"  "If I love him, I should accept the situation!"

Why does it bother me so that he's not divorced...should I get off his back? Can he really love me like he says he does when he sees what this does to me? 

 

 
October 24, 2006, 1:27 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: jaimie1974

Lets say that he does get the divorce- he would still be paying his ex wifes bills, correct? So it isnt the divorce that is putting you in a financial bind, it is the fact that he does not help you in a consistent, reliable fashion. My advice to you is this- put off the whole divorce topic for now, because the ball is in his wifes court, so to speak- but DO take a more firm stance with your financial matters. You make it clear that you are strapped, does this not bother him at all? Do you ever feel taken advantage of because of this? As you pointed out, his life is easier and your life is harder; how unfair is that? I think that the fact that he says you are materialistic because of this financial bind says a lot about his character. Instead of having the desire to help you solve the issue, he throws accusations at you; how is that going to help your relationship? It isnt! Remember this: we teach people how to treat us.

You're right....if he does get divorced he will still be paying his ex wife's bills.  And yes, I do feel taken advantage of.  If he feels he needs to help his wife financially, I'm not out to see her suffer if she needs help....I'm asking for the respect I deserve for taking him into my home where he lives very comfortably. 

If he did get divorced, I guess the one issue still remains....I'm being taken advantage of.  I love him and want him to stay with me but I have a lot of resentment.  Why doesn't he want to get divorced if it's not financial?  

And yes, he's always throwing accusations at me if we try to resolve our issues. 

Am I fooling myself to think he wants to be with me forever....his words?!  Is he still holding on to his wife, why can't he let go...these questions are always on my mind.

I do need help in the how to "teach people how to treat us" department!  I allow him to do the things he does...I know I need to be strong and stand up for what I feel is right but I'm fearful of what that will do to our relationship.

 

 

 
October 25, 2006, 2:48 am CDT

Take a stand for what you feel is right.

Quote From: countrygirl2

You're right....if he does get divorced he will still be paying his ex wife's bills.  And yes, I do feel taken advantage of.  If he feels he needs to help his wife financially, I'm not out to see her suffer if she needs help....I'm asking for the respect I deserve for taking him into my home where he lives very comfortably. 

If he did get divorced, I guess the one issue still remains....I'm being taken advantage of.  I love him and want him to stay with me but I have a lot of resentment.  Why doesn't he want to get divorced if it's not financial?  

And yes, he's always throwing accusations at me if we try to resolve our issues. 

Am I fooling myself to think he wants to be with me forever....his words?!  Is he still holding on to his wife, why can't he let go...these questions are always on my mind.

I do need help in the how to "teach people how to treat us" department!  I allow him to do the things he does...I know I need to be strong and stand up for what I feel is right but I'm fearful of what that will do to our relationship.

 

 

I agree - put the divorce issue aside for the moment.  The problem I have with him is that he has absolutely no conscience  about not sharing expenses with you 50/50.  Basically he is a kept man.  This feeling you have of being taken advantage of  (and you are right) and his lack of disrespect for you and your feeling will continue to cause resentments towards him.  You need to talk to him calmly - show him your monthly expenses and tell him you expect him to equally pay the bills if he is to continue living in your home.  His lack of responsibility and character should be a huge concern to you.  How many years do you plan on supporting him?  This will continue until you speak up .  Obviously he and his wife have some kind of financial agreement in place which may have to be altered so that he has enough money to support himself.  He's not divorced yet so obviously any agreement he has is not through the courts yet.

You need to stand up for what you believe in otherwise you will continue to be walked on throughout this relationship.  His main concern seems to be his wife - where does that leave you?

 
October 25, 2006, 7:13 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: sandy0914

I agree - put the divorce issue aside for the moment.  The problem I have with him is that he has absolutely no conscience  about not sharing expenses with you 50/50.  Basically he is a kept man.  This feeling you have of being taken advantage of  (and you are right) and his lack of disrespect for you and your feeling will continue to cause resentments towards him.  You need to talk to him calmly - show him your monthly expenses and tell him you expect him to equally pay the bills if he is to continue living in your home.  His lack of responsibility and character should be a huge concern to you.  How many years do you plan on supporting him?  This will continue until you speak up .  Obviously he and his wife have some kind of financial agreement in place which may have to be altered so that he has enough money to support himself.  He's not divorced yet so obviously any agreement he has is not through the courts yet.

You need to stand up for what you believe in otherwise you will continue to be walked on throughout this relationship.  His main concern seems to be his wife - where does that leave you?

If he were to hit the lottery today, I have a gut feeling that he would still put off the divorce.  His wife cheated on him and he has insecurities but he's had a hard time all along letting go.  He had a hard time taking the ring off his finger (he said he wasn't ready for people to ask him questions) he wouldn't take the wedding photo out of his wallet until we had a blow-up over it (he said he was holding onto it for his kids!)  And now it's the issue of the divorce (he says he's put it off because he has a "plan" to keep her from taking his pension so he's making her comfortable for now.)

He promised when he moved in 2 years ago that he would have his own place that was just for us and he still keeps promising but nothing happens. He knows he can't go out and rent a place and pay utilities for what he's paying me so why would he rush out to change the situation?  Why would his wife hurry to sign the papers....not only is he paying the bills but she is still covered by his health insurance, car insurance....she won't be able to make it on her own if he divorces her.)

You're right, his main concern seems to still be his wife and I guess that leaves me running a distant second!

 
October 25, 2006, 7:20 am CDT

How to put myself at the best advantange to get married

My situation is that I got with a man that has one daughter. I have three, two of mine are still at home and his daughter is as well. He bought us all a house and we moved in together. The wedding plans were under way. His daughter got in trouble by breaking into houses. She was facing probation. Then a shelf got broke in the house and he couldn't deal with it all. He said the wedding was off. So I moved out, I moved to my mom's house with the kids. He was still coming over to see me. He said he just needed to stay focused on his daughter for a while and would need to work that out. Then we could get back together. Then again, he broke up with me. He said that him and his daughter were having such a great relationship and he didn't want to mess that up right now. After a few weeks we really missed each other and started seeing each other again. That was right after I got my own apartment. Now he says that we need to work on our children, get them lined out then we will be ready to get married. I think this is something we could work on as a married couple just as well as being single. I do believe that his daughter would do whatever it would take to sabotage any relationship he would have. She is an only child that doesn't want to share her space. I on the other hand do not want to be single and on my own. I am the marring type. I want that life style and I want a partner in life. Doing it all independently was never my ambition. That means that I would really like to be married soon. I'm not sure how long we are going to be waiting here. His daughter and my oldest at home are both 17 and Juniors in school. What I am looking for is how should I act. What should be my part in order to achieve my goals here. I am working on my kids and he is doing the same but I would like to be married someday and need to know what would put me at the best advantage to achieve this. Any suggestions would be helpful.  Also to let you know I do spend Friday and Saturday nights with him. If I didn't though I would miss him very much. Nov will be busy though, he will spend two weekends hunting and one at his brothers. I thought this might be a good time to take advantage of his missing me some.
 
October 25, 2006, 8:30 am CDT

Call him from time to time

Quote From: neanermarie

Hello all ... Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I've had a mature relationship with a man my same age, 49 for almost two years.  We had the most perfect relationship I ever imagined.  We were both caring, loving, considerate and most of all ... always both filled with joy in one another's presence.  We shared close family and friend relationships and we were the kind of couple where everyone looked at us, and we were a picture of hope.

 

He left one morning and didn't come home.  Three weeks earlier he'd been traumatized over events and firings at work.

 

He cut me out of his life completely, gives only conflicting answers about what happened, there are not other women.  He has told others he split because he wasn't going to marry me.  We weren't talking about marriage but he had been giving me constant assurance that he wanted our relationship to go on and on.

 

I'm devastated.  I have no understanding of what happened to my life.  We've spoke 4 times in 6 weeks and each time, he tried to be mean, and when I tell him I don't believe what he's saying, he confirms ... he doesn't mean it.

 

He also says he doesn't want to talk about it ... that our relationship was "perfect and beautiful" and that I shouldn't ruin it by trying to talk about what happened.

 

It's so dramatic, I feel like something is terribly wrong like he's dying or something.

 

Any suggestions ???

neaner

the only thing I can think of it to give him some space but stay in contact. Call him every so often. Hit and miss with no routine to the calls. If he is very mean I wouldn't do it for your sake but if he can have a nice conversation about "how are you? I am fine. I just want to see how you are doing" then I would call and do that. You would stay on his doorstep that way. He would still think about you and he might get around to telling you what's wrong and may be get back with you in time. I did that with my guy and it worked. He came back, we still have issues though and it isn't the same. This is just a suggestion.
 
October 25, 2006, 8:49 am CDT

Breaking up

I am a very young at heart 53 year old. I recently moved home from Cape Town after spending 30 unhappy years there. to follow the man of lmy ife and now live in Pretoria S Africa. I have 2 adult children and a 5 year old grandchild. I am broken hearted and want someone to talk to out there in the big wide world.

After spending 3 and half extremely years together, he has decided he doesn't feel the same way anymore. This has come like a bolt of the blue and I am totally devastated. I sold up all my belongings to join him in Pretoria, left my daughters & family behind to be together, to start a new life here. The most confusing of all is that he says he loves being with me, he wants to remain very good friends, he still wants to do fun things with me and still live together. He works in the restaurant industry and works very long hours, many times having to work til 2 or 3 am. Our routine has been,  I thought working extremely well. I would go & visit him at the restaurant whenever I wanted to and more often than not would stay with him til lock up time. I know he is telling the truth I have no reason to suspect any other woman and up until last week, altho a man of not many words, his actions made me feel loved & secure.

The crux of the matter as I see it is that he has suddenly realised there is a big age gap between us and he would really like a family of his own. He is a young 31 year old, a real gentleman and a kind person. He was involved with a woman 6 years ago who cheated on him and he caught them red handed. They were engaged to be married and this totally devastated him. One night he got very drunk and had a very serious car accident. His financee fell pregnant with the other guy, or so everyone thought, he was then killed in a car accident. She then realised she wanted my man back and begged for forgiveness. He could not forgive her and terminated all ties with her. She then told him the baby was his and of course he didn't believe her. They never had DNA tests done but this has haunted him ever since. She was desperate and in the terrible emotional state they were both in at the time, both being in their early 20's , she said he would never see his child and he signed away his rights to see the child ever again. She had by then become involved again and apparently has re married with 2 other children. This matter has never been resolved in his mind and I think that is why he he terrified of committment and sub consciously chose me because I am much older and cannot have any kids and neither of us wanted to get married. At first I thought it was just a fling and he was just using me and it would never last. The age thing was a big issue for me at frrst, I had also been terribly emotionally abused by both my ex husbands, both were serial cheaters. So it took me a very long time to trust him. He also kept me a secret from his family for a long time, he had a very strict upbringing and in his mind he thought his parents would never accept me. Then one day we met by accident and they told him immediately they thought I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and gave us their blessings. He was emphatic that he never wanted to live with another woman, nor marrry nor have kids. Then one day out of the blue (again!)he asked me to move in with him. I was over the moon and we have lived together extremely well  until now.

I have only just got myself a job last week after taking it easy for a while. I thought it is my time now for him to look after me. When we were in Cape Town, I earned a lot more than he did and also inherited some money, which I spent recklessly on ourselves. I worked 3 days at my new job last week  and have almost had a nervous brekadown because of all of this. Understandbly my new boss is not impressed, I did get a doctors certificate and took off the next 3 days. Then over the weekend he asked me not to move out and we would work it out. He re iterated over & over its not me, its his state of mind. I believed him and could see he is being honest. I thought it would be ok until last night when he broke down and said he cannot be my lover. I told him then he must move out and I refuse to have any more upheavel - he should be inconvenienced. This set me back all over again and I attempted to go to work again today but just broke down when I got there. The boss has given me until Mon to make up my mind  (3 month probabtion period anyway), she is obviously concerned for her business and does not want to go to all the trouble of traning me if I am unstable and may think of returning to the Cape. This is also causing me great angusih coz I don't want to go back there, I really like it here and have adapted overnight until now. I feel my world has fallen apart, the humiliation is bad enough, but the pain of having the guts to say he must move out is killing me. He has already phoned me today and I can hear in his voice he is very scared to let me go. I told him there is no ways we could live together, no matter how good friends we are.The sex thing would be an issue for me, I don't want  be used just for sex but I also don't want to loose any chance of getting through this. and lossing my best friend. I truly believe the issues are just as confusing for him and he also doesnt  want us to end. Please somebody out there help me work through all of this. I want to pick myself up and start over for me, but I am busy dying inside. I have lost all hope of ever being truly loved again.

 
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