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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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October 25, 2006, 4:01 pm CDT

Am I Wasting My Time????

I got divorced about 3 1/2 years ago. I was married to an alcoholic for 9 years. By the grace of God I had a son after 8 years of marriage. My 1 year old son gave me the strength to divorce my husband and start a new, better life for the 2 of us. I spent alot of time in Alanon and in counseling and really was feeling good about my life and me and my sons future. After about 2 years of being single I met someone when I wasn't even looking. We met through work. He was very easy to talk to and we started to become friends, then he started showing up at the playground where I take my son. He showed such an interest in my son and in me. Long story short, we started dating. I fell in love and I think I have found the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Over the last year and a half we have really become best friends. He is in his forties and never been married. He moved in with my son and I on a friends basis. Things from time to time were more than friends and we would talk about the future. From time to time he would say things like, I love you but I am not in love. Then the next week, he would talk about what the names of our children would be and introduce my son as his son to coworkers. It took a long time for him to introduce me to his mother and sister, I had met other family members and they all liked me and were encouraging him not to let me go, get married and settle down, etc. He finally told me he loved me (and this time he didn't take it back) and asked me to go with him to a big family event. We talked about what a big step it was and he said he really thought it was time and he wanted me to meet his mom and sister and the rest of his very large extended family. Well, it  couldn't have gone better. I was comfortable with everyone and his mom and sister both said they were so happy to finally meet me. They invited me to both of their homes and wanted to meet my son. Well, the morning after the event he called me to thank me for going with him and to tell me how much his mother and sister loved me. He then called me back at lunch and said that he loved me more than words could explain but that he was not in love and that we are just friends. I am devastated. He still calls often, almost everyday and acts just like he did before. By the way, we live 2 hours apart and he doesn't want to live in my town and he doesn't think my son and I would like living in the city. I think he is scared and insecure. Do I hang in there and see what happens or do I cut off contact completely. I love him very much and don't want to lose him, but I don't know if I can just be his best friend.  HELP!!!!!! 
 
October 25, 2006, 7:21 pm CDT

He'll leave like the rest

This is about my daughter.  She has always had a self esteem problem though she hides it quite well.  She lost her dad when she was 10 and this was the start of her "they're always leaving me" philosophy.  The "boys" she has dealt with have always said/did whatever to get what they want.  Now at almost 20 yr. of age, she has met a man who loves her totally.  He does all that he's supposed to do and has put a promise ring on her finger.  She knows he loves her and won't leave her but that one part of her mind keeps saying he will.  She doesn't think she deserves happiness.  It's so frustrating!  I pointed out that unless she wants to spend the rest of her life alone she needs to try to "squash" this part of her that keeps pushing him away just so she can say "see?  I knew he'd leave."
 
October 26, 2006, 3:38 pm CDT

Turned Off

I had been seeing a lady for the majority of the year. We connected right at the start. We had a very amazing connection where sometimes we just knew what the other was thinking before it was even said. The relationship was really amazing for a while, and I felt as if she was one of those rare ladies who got what a relationship was about.

 

I usually find myself in relationships where Im the one putting in, and Im not getting anything in return. Im not talking about in the physical sense, Im talking more on an emotional/thoughtful/appreciative level. Things went really great for a while where my actions were usually reciprocated and there was an awesome balance of giving/receiving of gestures, and romantic evenings.

 

Then it all just came to a stop. She became very distant. I started seeing her less and less. Over the course of a month I saw her twice, and she thought this was ok. This was going from seeing each other weekly. I had talked to her about it because it was a concern of mine. She just said she had gotten busy, which I was ok with. The next month was even worse. A lot more red flags I was seeing, more less time with me, and more time with others. I once again have a talk with her about it and she said she was working on it, but that she was very afraid. She had never met a guy like me before, and that she was "learning" all these new things.

 

We had a very romantic trip planned, for a week together in a small distant town in a cabin. I was greatly looking forward to this as a way to recharge and refocus on us. During the week together, I felt more like a friend than a romantic partner. I even told her I wanted to do something romantic with her, and she said she didnt need anything romantic! She also was irritated that her cell phone didnt work, and that she was out of touch with her friends. More red flags to me. So I had to end the relationship. I had thought she was the one, and I had even bought a ring. I never gave it to her. I told her about the ring after the fact.

 

I have never had to leave someone before when I was so madly in love with them. I have never connected with someone on such a higher level. Everything was very perfect to me until she shut down. I dont know why, other than she said she was scared. I also got to talk to her sister a little after the breakup because they were shocked that I was the one who ended it. I later learned that she has had commmittment issues before from the past. That I was also a very non-tradional guy she had dated. Most of the guys she dated were guys in "uniform". 

 

I just dont get why people are so afraid of love. Yes love hurts when it doesnt work out, and I still feel the pain within. You cant let fear from the past hold you back or you will never fall in love the way you want to. I will never understand why people get so afraid... just let go... have some faith and maybe, just maybe you will fall in love in a way you have never experienced before.

 
October 26, 2006, 4:48 pm CDT

Get her into therapy so she can talk.

Quote From: maryalicenlb

This is about my daughter.  She has always had a self esteem problem though she hides it quite well.  She lost her dad when she was 10 and this was the start of her "they're always leaving me" philosophy.  The "boys" she has dealt with have always said/did whatever to get what they want.  Now at almost 20 yr. of age, she has met a man who loves her totally.  He does all that he's supposed to do and has put a promise ring on her finger.  She knows he loves her and won't leave her but that one part of her mind keeps saying he will.  She doesn't think she deserves happiness.  It's so frustrating!  I pointed out that unless she wants to spend the rest of her life alone she needs to try to "squash" this part of her that keeps pushing him away just so she can say "see?  I knew he'd leave."
This all has to do with the loss of her father and feeling abandoned by him at age 10.  Her inner child is hurt.  She doesn't want to feel that pain ever again - she will do anything to avoid that feeling.  I would suggest that you get her into counseling asap - losing her dad at a young age has obviously caused her tremendous sadness and fears.  Something she will probably carry around with her as an adult until she learns how to deal with it with a professional, this is not just something she can "squash" - the pain and the feeling of being abandoned is very real to her.
 
October 27, 2006, 2:58 am CDT

Emotional baggage

Quote From: cpudoc623

I had been seeing a lady for the majority of the year. We connected right at the start. We had a very amazing connection where sometimes we just knew what the other was thinking before it was even said. The relationship was really amazing for a while, and I felt as if she was one of those rare ladies who got what a relationship was about.

 

I usually find myself in relationships where Im the one putting in, and Im not getting anything in return. Im not talking about in the physical sense, Im talking more on an emotional/thoughtful/appreciative level. Things went really great for a while where my actions were usually reciprocated and there was an awesome balance of giving/receiving of gestures, and romantic evenings.

 

Then it all just came to a stop. She became very distant. I started seeing her less and less. Over the course of a month I saw her twice, and she thought this was ok. This was going from seeing each other weekly. I had talked to her about it because it was a concern of mine. She just said she had gotten busy, which I was ok with. The next month was even worse. A lot more red flags I was seeing, more less time with me, and more time with others. I once again have a talk with her about it and she said she was working on it, but that she was very afraid. She had never met a guy like me before, and that she was "learning" all these new things.

 

We had a very romantic trip planned, for a week together in a small distant town in a cabin. I was greatly looking forward to this as a way to recharge and refocus on us. During the week together, I felt more like a friend than a romantic partner. I even told her I wanted to do something romantic with her, and she said she didnt need anything romantic! She also was irritated that her cell phone didnt work, and that she was out of touch with her friends. More red flags to me. So I had to end the relationship. I had thought she was the one, and I had even bought a ring. I never gave it to her. I told her about the ring after the fact.

 

I have never had to leave someone before when I was so madly in love with them. I have never connected with someone on such a higher level. Everything was very perfect to me until she shut down. I dont know why, other than she said she was scared. I also got to talk to her sister a little after the breakup because they were shocked that I was the one who ended it. I later learned that she has had commmittment issues before from the past. That I was also a very non-tradional guy she had dated. Most of the guys she dated were guys in "uniform". 

 

I just dont get why people are so afraid of love. Yes love hurts when it doesnt work out, and I still feel the pain within. You cant let fear from the past hold you back or you will never fall in love the way you want to. I will never understand why people get so afraid... just let go... have some faith and maybe, just maybe you will fall in love in a way you have never experienced before.

People are not necessarily afraid of love, they are afraid of getting hurt again.    Many people carry around emotional baggage from past relationships that hold them back from experiencing true intimacy and letting go of their inhibitions.  Why?  Because their emotional wall is built so high around them that when they feel somebody is getting too close, they shut down .  They do not want to ever feel that pain again of getting so hurt, they do not want to be vulnerable, they can not wear their heart on their sleeve for fear of getting crushed again.  Is is fair for the other people they date, of course not.    Fear makes people "flee", some people just can't "let go" - they don't know how to.  Most people who have this issue know they have it but can't let that wall down, they simply do not know how to.  Being loved and loving someone is a risk.  The risk is getting hurt again or being rejected.  You have a wonderful outlook on this subject and I hope you meet somebody one day who can feel safe and secure with you and let you in to their heart.

 
October 28, 2006, 7:40 pm CDT

A pattern....

Quote From: jaimie1974

Well, it is a little odd that he doesnt answer his cell phone and then you dont hear from him over the weekend- so I would come to the same conclusion that you have, that he had plans for the weekend, and that is why he didnt call. But, I know my feelings would be a bit hurt, as yours are, even though you have only been dating for 2 months. My advice to you is to just wait this out, because 2 months really isnt that long to know someone- and you dont want to rush anything. If he brings up being more serious again, then go ahead and ask him, are you the only woman he is dating right now?

Have you ever asked him why he doesnt answer his cell phone? Have you considered calling him from an unlisted number to see if he answers? Just curious.

The most important advice I want to give you is to not appear desperate. When a man sees a desperate woman, he also sees a woman who will tolerate disrespect, and that isnt the image that you want to give off. If this is truly the man you have been waiting for, then take things slow and it will happen. If it doesnt, you have been fooling yourself.

I have kind of been letting this thing go regarding him not answering his cell phone and also how he has flaked on a couple of plans we had. I wasn't looking to jump into a relationship, but he was the one that started the "serious" talk.. he even has talked to me about moving in together, which I find to be crazy. But he keeps doing the same thing where he won't answer his cell. What is even more frustrating is how he has made plans to come stay the weekend with me twice and then didn't show up or call. He had excuses both times and apologized, but that doesn't make it ok. The thing is that he is the one that calls me and makes the plans. For instance, this weekend I talked to him on Friday afternoon (I returned his call) and he asked me if I could come over this weekend to go to some event in his town. I told him that I could and he told me to call him later. I called him later that evening and the next day and he didn't answer his phone and never called me back. Last weekend I was out of town and had to stop by his house on my way home to pick up my car that I had parked at his house. He knew I'd be coming by that day and I called his cell a few times throughout the day while I was on my way back home and he didn't answer. Then when I got to his house to get my car I seen that he was home but I wasn't even going to go in because he hadn't been answering his phone so I didn't know what he was doing. He came outside and said "aren't you even going to come in and say hi and tell me about your trip?" I told him "you haven't answered your phone all day" and he said "oh, I was busy, I didn't have my phone" and I just said "uh huh" and he grinned cause he knew that I knew he was full of BS. But I just don't understand why he does this. I'm not the one that initiates the calls or plans that we make, he is, but when I go to return his calls or follow through with plans, he sometimes doesn't answer his phone or call me back. Why would he talk like he wants to be serious but act like this, especially when I've given him no inclination that I want anything serious? I feel like even though we are casually dating, it is still rude and disrespectful to do these things that he has done. I feel like this weekend with him making plans and then not answering his phone is the final straw. I have known him for about 15 years, and he has always been a huge flake and he has his issues, but still. I'm thinking that my only option would be to confront him on it when he does call, which will probably be Monday or Tuesday.
 
October 29, 2006, 2:36 pm CST

Help please

I have been dating this guy for about a year, but we have been very good friends for almost three years.  His excuse in the past for non-commitment was because he wasn't divorced yet...now he is.  His new excuse is we both have kids and I try to make time when I can and I do love you.  I have a hard time hearing him say, "I try and make time."  Usually after that statement what follows is, when he does make time there's always something else that he should have been doing and he feels guilty about not getting that done.  I see him usually every day on his lunch break for about a half an hour and then mabe every other weekend he might pop in.  I am really getting sick of waiting.  How long should I wait to get the same love and sharing of emotions that I give.  Anyone got any advice? Dawn
 
October 30, 2006, 8:56 am CST

Bipolar

Does anyone know anything about what it is like dating someone with Bipolar disorder. I have read about the disorder, but I don't know a lot about how they behave with people close to them. I have made a couple of posts about how this guy I'm seeing is great and talks like he wants to be more serious, then he just won't call or answer my calls, and he also will act very different. Well, I found out that he is on medication for Bipolar disorder and just started taking it (again). He sees a psychiatrist on a weekly basis (but just started that up again a few weeks ago). I talked to him Friday and all was fine and he told me to call him later on, but when I did he wouldn't answer his phone all weekend. I ran into him on Sunday and he was very short and distant. It was frustrating. I'm thinking that this behavior might be partly, if not totally, due to his disorder. It just seems odd to me that he would be talking like he wants to get serious with me one minute and then the oppposite the next, especially when I don't bring up getting serious with him at all.
 
October 31, 2006, 8:26 am CST

New development in long sad story

Okay a new twist....just when I thought everything was going well with this guy, I found a printed email on his printer one night when I couldnt sleep (at his house) telling this couple in NC that he enjoyed the visit (I knew he was going) and enjoyed meeting Jane and was going to call her soon.  And was her last name spelled...S M I T H....The husband responded that he was not in charge of contact info, but yes that was the correct spelling.  So evidently while he was there, and calling me long distance, he was "set up" with some woman and intends to follow up.  I am not sure yet what to do, but I am tempted to wait until he makes some story about going away again and confront him.   He doesnt know I saw this paper. What do you think?
 
October 31, 2006, 10:20 am CST

I am crazy or not?????

Just thinking about this when I am writing makes me think that I am crazy.  I have been dating a man for over 3 years.  I am divorced with two children and he has never been married.  We have a long distance relationship and see each other usually every other week-end sometimes more and sometimes less. 

My problem, he has never told me how he feels.............meaning I love you........you would think that  after a long period of time like this you would know this or not and if he  doesn't love me the why is he with me?????????  Something to do??????????We never fight and when we are together we always have a great time.  He gets along great with my family  and friends as I do with his. 

Another problem is it seems that it is always me who makes the plans with pretty well anything we do; a little insentive would be nice.  Also, I am always the one who calls and not him; unless he needs something, he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone????????

I love him and I think that we could have a wonderful life together, but for some reason he never wants to talk about committment..........the only thing he says is that he is afraid that he won't be able to do the hobbies and sports that he like to do.

What do I do, give him an altimatium or  just wait and see it he comes around?

 
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