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November 24, 2008, 1:48 pm PST

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: jdgreis

I am a single mom of 2 and was married for 18 years. I have been dating the same guy for almost 4 years. He is also divorced and had been married for 17 years. Our kids and families get along very well. About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with als. Now he walks with crutches or I push him in his wheel-chair.

I do his laundry and dishes, clean his house and mow his yard or shovel his walk in the winter. I run errands and take as good of care of him as possible. I go to school part-time and work 2 part-time jobs. I don't regret doing all of these things because I do love him, but I also am not complete happy without being more committed to him. I think he has a personal issue with committment. Phobia I am not getting any younger and he is not getting any better health wise and I don't want to be a doormat. Can someone please help me decide what to do next

Well the reason he's crawfishing back this way about commitment is because he already has the one he wants from you, so he doesn't feel the need to give you the one you want. You sound like a beautiful person and it just seems that he's trying to use you. Prepare his favorite meal and sweetly tell him as you serve it to him with candlelight that you're thinking about seeing other people. If that's okay with him, get yourself a makeover (start at the local beauty college if that's all you can afford) Get yourself some nice dresses and shoes from a local upscale thrift shop and get out there and meet someone as wonderful as you are, woman! Your post kind of read as if you feel responsible for his having ALS, and that's why you do all that wife work for him. Wife work and not so much as a paper cigar band for your left hand. Cut it out this instant. Connect him to some community resources for home and family support/health care and use your energy to feather your own nest, instead of letting him use your energy to feather his. You are a real go-getter with your two jobs and school. A man with sense and some sensitivity to your needs for a change you would be lucky to have you!

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boxcarl

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December 11, 2008, 7:58 pm PST

I'm going crazy and I don't like it

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. We've been living together a year. It is the most amazing relationship. We've both had long term relationships in the past (both of us had four year relationships) and we agree what he and I have is so much better than those. I want to marry him, for sure. I am not one of those girls that wants a giant wedding or a ring or feels she needs a husband to be complete. I see him and want to be with him forever. We agree on all major life issues (children, finances, religion) and I feel like his equal. Everything he does is what I want. He knows I want to marry him. He knows I want to get engaged sooner rather than later. But he doesn't know what he wants. I asked him 5 months ago to think about what he wanted. I told him I wanted to get engaged and it was hurting me to think it might not happen. He promised to think about it and try to work out the issues he has with marriage. He sees marriage as taking away his independence and freedom. But we are already together all the time. It's not like he's living this wild single life on the weekends still. We act like we are married already! I don't see how being married would change anything. It would only make what we have official. And that is what I want. I want to officially be his wife and I want the world to know I have the most amazing man. That was five months ago and he still hasn't figured anything out. He said he still doesn't know if he ever wants to get married, let alone to me, and he doesn't know when he will figure it out. He said he just wants to see what happens and let things be. But I feel like if we just "wait and see" then it will never happen. I've told him I cannot wait forever and that it hurts me to be with him and him not committ. But I also don't want him to be pressured into marrying me. I only want it if he truly wants to. I feel like it should be something he feels inside and can't help to do. And he says he feels pressure. I feel like we are at the point where I should leave because I don't think he will ever want to marry me and I don't want to waste my time and be hurt. But the thought of not being with him is horrible. My thought was to give it six months and not bring it up to him AT ALL and if he hasn't moved forward by then, then leave. But then I ask myself "Is that fair? Why should you live with extreme anxiety for six months because you are bottling all of this up inside just because he doesn't want to deal with his issues?" He has three sisters who are married and they CONTROL their husbands. He has friends whose wives control them. He is scared of that. But why after this long can't he see I won't do that? My parents got divorced when I was 10 and I am 100% committed to making a marriage last. I don't want to be a statistic.
Should I stay? Go? Stay for 6 months? Is it hopeless?
I feel hopeless...

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rebecca_saffer

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January 3, 2009, 2:30 pm PST

What happened?

From the beginning of me and my boyfriend dating, I told him that I someday wanted marriage and kids and if that definately wasnt something he ever wanted (he is a widower with 2 teenagers) then lets not even date. 6 months later I moved from LA to London to be with him. In the summer we had got in a big fight and I contemplated going back home. He said how much he wanted me here and that he was planning to propose in December, which would be our one year anniversary. Well, December came and went and no proposal. He is suddenly distant- says that I am getting on his nerves. When he got on my nerves in the summer, I stuck it out and stayed... Now suddenly the tables are turned and he's questioning our future. Is he stringing me along or just getting a case of cold feet?

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jaimie1974

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January 3, 2009, 3:54 pm PST

Tables turned

Quote From: rebecca_saffer

From the beginning of me and my boyfriend dating, I told him that I someday wanted marriage and kids and if that definately wasnt something he ever wanted (he is a widower with 2 teenagers) then lets not even date. 6 months later I moved from LA to London to be with him. In the summer we had got in a big fight and I contemplated going back home. He said how much he wanted me here and that he was planning to propose in December, which would be our one year anniversary. Well, December came and went and no proposal. He is suddenly distant- says that I am getting on his nerves. When he got on my nerves in the summer, I stuck it out and stayed... Now suddenly the tables are turned and he's questioning our future. Is he stringing me along or just getting a case of cold feet?

It might be difficult, but you’ve got to confront your boyfriend and discuss what the future holds. If you just sit back and continue to wonder, it is going to drive you nutty, and you’ll eventually resent him, too. You aren’t a mind reader, you need to know what he is thinking. Saying that you are getting on his nerves simply isn’t enough information! My advice is to approach him in a calm manner & say to him that you love him, you care about him, that you are here to build a future with him; what are HIS intentions? Keep it as a conversation, not an argument, because this way you will get the answers that you want and need. I wish you the best!

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brianaeric

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January 7, 2009, 12:53 pm PST

No commitment after 5 years

So, my BF and I have been together 5 years and living together for about 4 years. He is 36 and I am 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was head over heels and told me so from the very start. Over the years, whenever the subject of our future came up (either by myself or others), he'd say that we basically had to wait until I was unattached. I had been going through an awful separation from my ex since 2000 and only became officially divorced last December (2007). I very rarely brought up marriage b/c I was always so sure of his love and commitment. His words told me he would act once I became divorced. He was living with me and basically doing the couple thing/family man thing. I have two kids from my marriage to my ex; my BF has no children, but he very much wants a child. Current day, we've had more discussions on the marriage matter and I have been left completely deflated b/c he went from saying it was too soon for me to jump into another marriage to he's not ready to he doesn't believe in marriage to he has issues with marriage,etc. He was also married very young (early 20s) and divorced after about 4 years. Apparently his ex was impossible to live with and he knew early on he wouldn't have children with her nor would he remain married to her for the rest of his life. Be that as it may, I tend to think he has way too many excuses. We also had a bad time with my ex and my son's behavior was a big issue a couple years back, but I don't think that should be an issue now if he truly wanted to spend his life with me as a married couple. The bottom line is that I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and invalidated. Since November I have been so upset about this matter and I questioned him over and over, until I just stopped asking questions last month. I came into the New Year thinking I would end it because I have to look out for myself and my feelings since he made it clear he wasn't ready. Here I still am and every day I want to broach the subject, but I stop myself b/c I feel it would be too humiliating to speak of marriage again. I want it to come from HIM! I want him to say he's crazy to let another day go by without proposing to me. I am so good to him, I am giving and supportive and I love him completely. He tells me he loves me too and asks if I feel what we have is not a commitment (since we live together). I've told him I want the commitment of marriage b/c that's what I feel is the next step for us, we are very compatible and in love, we have easy-going temperaments and respect one another. What gives? I've read a couple of self-help books on guys/dating/commitment, and that has helped me somewhat, but I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Any advice?

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daisybull

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January 9, 2009, 3:50 am PST

Choices

Quote From: brianaeric

So, my BF and I have been together 5 years and living together for about 4 years. He is 36 and I am 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was head over heels and told me so from the very start. Over the years, whenever the subject of our future came up (either by myself or others), he'd say that we basically had to wait until I was unattached. I had been going through an awful separation from my ex since 2000 and only became officially divorced last December (2007). I very rarely brought up marriage b/c I was always so sure of his love and commitment. His words told me he would act once I became divorced. He was living with me and basically doing the couple thing/family man thing. I have two kids from my marriage to my ex; my BF has no children, but he very much wants a child. Current day, we've had more discussions on the marriage matter and I have been left completely deflated b/c he went from saying it was too soon for me to jump into another marriage to he's not ready to he doesn't believe in marriage to he has issues with marriage,etc. He was also married very young (early 20s) and divorced after about 4 years. Apparently his ex was impossible to live with and he knew early on he wouldn't have children with her nor would he remain married to her for the rest of his life. Be that as it may, I tend to think he has way too many excuses. We also had a bad time with my ex and my son's behavior was a big issue a couple years back, but I don't think that should be an issue now if he truly wanted to spend his life with me as a married couple. The bottom line is that I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and invalidated. Since November I have been so upset about this matter and I questioned him over and over, until I just stopped asking questions last month. I came into the New Year thinking I would end it because I have to look out for myself and my feelings since he made it clear he wasn't ready. Here I still am and every day I want to broach the subject, but I stop myself b/c I feel it would be too humiliating to speak of marriage again. I want it to come from HIM! I want him to say he's crazy to let another day go by without proposing to me. I am so good to him, I am giving and supportive and I love him completely. He tells me he loves me too and asks if I feel what we have is not a commitment (since we live together). I've told him I want the commitment of marriage b/c that's what I feel is the next step for us, we are very compatible and in love, we have easy-going temperaments and respect one another. What gives? I've read a couple of self-help books on guys/dating/commitment, and that has helped me somewhat, but I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Any advice?

In the beginning of your relationship when the marriage issue came up he had an easy answer. You're still married so it's not an option for us right now. Now that you're divorced and available seems that he has retreated into a corner and is basically telling you exactly how he feels about his concepts on marriage. They may seem like excuses to you but this is how he feels. Simply put, he is not ready to get married again.

So you have 2 choices. You can leave the relationship or you can continue to live together just as you are doing now. There are many people who choose to live happily together without that piece of paper. I guess the question is - is this enough for you? If its not then you have your answer. Beating him over the head, trying to change his mind won't accomplish anything. His feelings are his feelings and only he can change them. Can you see yourself living happily with this guy for the next 50 years even if you don't have a legal bond? I realize that you'd feel more secure in this relationship if you had the matrimonial bond but in reality that piece of paper is just that. A piece of paper that does not guarantee that you will live happily ever after just as you have experienced in your divorce and his prior one as well.

Are you able to get into the mind set that what you have is a great beautiful loving relationship and if one day he proposes then you marry but if he doesn't - then you can still count your blessings that you are with a wonderful guy, in a committed relationship with a man who loves you?

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jaimie1974

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January 9, 2009, 11:32 am PST

some advice

Quote From: brianaeric

So, my BF and I have been together 5 years and living together for about 4 years. He is 36 and I am 43. In the beginning of our relationship, he was head over heels and told me so from the very start. Over the years, whenever the subject of our future came up (either by myself or others), he'd say that we basically had to wait until I was unattached. I had been going through an awful separation from my ex since 2000 and only became officially divorced last December (2007). I very rarely brought up marriage b/c I was always so sure of his love and commitment. His words told me he would act once I became divorced. He was living with me and basically doing the couple thing/family man thing. I have two kids from my marriage to my ex; my BF has no children, but he very much wants a child. Current day, we've had more discussions on the marriage matter and I have been left completely deflated b/c he went from saying it was too soon for me to jump into another marriage to he's not ready to he doesn't believe in marriage to he has issues with marriage,etc. He was also married very young (early 20s) and divorced after about 4 years. Apparently his ex was impossible to live with and he knew early on he wouldn't have children with her nor would he remain married to her for the rest of his life. Be that as it may, I tend to think he has way too many excuses. We also had a bad time with my ex and my son's behavior was a big issue a couple years back, but I don't think that should be an issue now if he truly wanted to spend his life with me as a married couple. The bottom line is that I am left feeling unworthy, unwanted and invalidated. Since November I have been so upset about this matter and I questioned him over and over, until I just stopped asking questions last month. I came into the New Year thinking I would end it because I have to look out for myself and my feelings since he made it clear he wasn't ready. Here I still am and every day I want to broach the subject, but I stop myself b/c I feel it would be too humiliating to speak of marriage again. I want it to come from HIM! I want him to say he's crazy to let another day go by without proposing to me. I am so good to him, I am giving and supportive and I love him completely. He tells me he loves me too and asks if I feel what we have is not a commitment (since we live together). I've told him I want the commitment of marriage b/c that's what I feel is the next step for us, we are very compatible and in love, we have easy-going temperaments and respect one another. What gives? I've read a couple of self-help books on guys/dating/commitment, and that has helped me somewhat, but I'm still stuck not knowing what to do. Any advice?

I agree with the previous poster, ‘daisy bull,’ what she says makes a lot of sense. Life is about choices. You only have control over one person, and that is YOU. Your bf has made it 100% clear that he does not want to get married, that he has changed his mind; now the question is what are YOU going to do? You have two choices: either accept your relationship the way that it is, force yourself to move forward and be happy with the relationship the way that it is without marriage, or, knowing in your heart that you want to be married someday, leave the relationship. You can’t keep complaining about him changing his mind, and it isn’t likely that he will change it back, either. It simply is what it is. Although this is hurtful, the ball is in your court, so to speak. I wish you the best.

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jozie213

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January 16, 2009, 3:01 pm PST

"I love you"

I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He still hasn't said "i love you". He is really sweet and caring, however he has never flat out told me how he feels about me besides saying "i really care about you" a few times when I get upset. I haven't said it to him either because I don't want to be the first one to say it.

He has never arranged a date, except for our first date, or done anything sweet or romantic... I'm wondering if this is normal?

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daisybull

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January 17, 2009, 12:22 pm PST

Some people need to be taught

Quote From: jozie213

I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He still hasn't said "i love you". He is really sweet and caring, however he has never flat out told me how he feels about me besides saying "i really care about you" a few times when I get upset. I haven't said it to him either because I don't want to be the first one to say it.

He has never arranged a date, except for our first date, or done anything sweet or romantic... I'm wondering if this is normal?

Everybody is different. What's normal to you may not seem normal to him! Seems like you may have to lead the way and ask him what you would like for him to do for you and then ask him the same for you. He's not a mind reader and it may seem like common sense but some people are just more adventurous or exciting than others. You could kinda play a game with it and tell him each week one of you must plan a surprise date etc...

My husband is the romantic one always planning things but I'm not. This use to bother him but now he realizes after many years that I'm more simple and laid back and he's the get up and go kinda guy who's always on the run.

It took me almost a year to tell my husband that I loved him but only after he told me. I was scared to death! Maybe this is the case with your guy as well? If you love him- tell him.

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beenthere13

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January 18, 2009, 6:26 pm PST

reversal

Quote From: janessaluv

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

Thanks so much for reading.

Janessa

Dear Janessa,

I have been in a serious committed relationship for 3.5 years now with a man who has a vasectomy and two children from a previous marriage. His spouse cheated on him and dumped him. When we started dating he told me about the vasectomy and that he didn't want anymore children.

After 6 months of dating I decided that I was not willing to give up the experience or the possibility of having a child of my own. It took two emotionally difficult months from the time of my decision, for him to decide that I meant too much to him to loose. He agreed to have the reversal.

But it has become a constant issue in our relationship. He promised almost 3 years ago now to have the reversal but every time I brought it up there was excuse after excuse about why he wouldn't do it at that time. First it was money and I eventually agreed that I would pay for it. But now even though I have saved the money and the timing is finally right he has backed out once again. Now falling back on reasons that he's afraid to commit to such a big decision because of his multiple perceived short comings on my part.

I have had enough and after many failed promises I'm ready to just break up. Before you end up like me be very careful about forcing anyone to make such a decision. My boyfriend has so much baggage from being cheated on and having a broken family that I feel he is too afraid of the possibility that he will end up with yet another child suffering a broken marriage.

Sure he talks about wanting to marry me and have a baby with me but each and every time we've gotten close to him making that appointment his fear and true feelings take over. He was VERY clear about not wanting more children, and when he did agree to get a reversal I made the HUGE mistake of giving him too much time. Accepting excuse after excuse, hoping over and over that he would get the surgery. And where has it gotten me, except 3 more years of my life wasted on someone who NEVER wanted the same things that I did.

Be very clear to yourself about how long you are willing to wait for him and stick to that timeline, and until he has the surgery don't count on his promises. Like the old saying actions speak louder than words.

If you have to walk away at the end of that time at least it will be on your terms. And if I had it to do over I would have walked away at 6 months and never tried to get him to agree to this.

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Message Boards

Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

He/She Won't Commit!

I'm going crazy and I don't like it

What happened?

Tables turned

No commitment after 5 years

Choices

some advice

"I love you"

Some people need to be taught

reversal