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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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September 18, 2006, 11:42 am CDT

5 years later

I have been together with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and living together for three.  I try to bring up marriage and he doesn't want to talk about it.   I know he loves me, his family loves me, we get along and I have even asked him to go to counseling.   Forget it.   He is the kind of man that is stubborn and full of pride. If I walk out that door he is not running after me so I can't play games with him.  He was married twice before and they ended badly, his family confirming it was the wife that was the problem( i know it takes two).   I was married once before but we parted amicably. His child is grown and out of the house.  

I am not ready to leave but wonder what approach other than being patient, honest and up front with him, can I do? 

 
September 20, 2006, 8:29 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: ncarter68

I have been together with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and living together for three.  I try to bring up marriage and he doesn't want to talk about it.   I know he loves me, his family loves me, we get along and I have even asked him to go to counseling.   Forget it.   He is the kind of man that is stubborn and full of pride. If I walk out that door he is not running after me so I can't play games with him.  He was married twice before and they ended badly, his family confirming it was the wife that was the problem( i know it takes two).   I was married once before but we parted amicably. His child is grown and out of the house.  

I am not ready to leave but wonder what approach other than being patient, honest and up front with him, can I do? 

You are paying the price for his issues? Where do your feelings come into the picture? It does take two to end a marriage. It doesn't sound like he is willing to look at his faults. You deserve someone who wants to marry you!

 
September 21, 2006, 12:02 pm CDT

confused

Well, I am in love with a 38 year old woman and she says she is in love with me.  I don't doubt her commitment as she is a sincere and honest person.  She does not have one problem.  She has never been married and does not have experience in dating.  She was shy growing up and probably a little self conscious.  She is now heavy and has not dated in some time.  She appreciated the fact that her weight is not a problem with me and thinks we are a good fit.  She tells me that see just wants to be sure.  She wants me to help her lose weight then she wants to date other guys to be sure we are right for each other.  My problem is I really love her.  Am I blinded by love?  Am I an idiot?  Should I invest the time to see if she will gain this experience and decide to be with me?  Is there something wrong with her thinking?  Is there something wrong with my thinking?  I'm confused.

 
September 22, 2006, 11:36 am CDT

Be true to yourself

Quote From: kissers

You are paying the price for his issues? Where do your feelings come into the picture? It does take two to end a marriage. It doesn't sound like he is willing to look at his faults. You deserve someone who wants to marry you!

We as women tend to put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. You must be true to yourself. If you have told him what your needs and wants are and they are not being taken into consideration, you must sit back and take inventory of your relationship.  You need to ask yourself some really hard questions and answer them honesty. Stop settling for less than you deserve and accepting what you don't want for the sake of a man. You have invested a lot of time into this relationship and you haven't gotten much out of it. As far as his family goes, keep them OUT of your relationship. You are involved with him in this relationship. No one else. Whatever happened in his past marriages or relationships is no consequence. What matters most is right now and the relationship you have with him. Whomever was to blame in his past as well as yours doesn't matter.  The past is the past. Bury it and move on. If he can't give you what you want and need, it's time to move on and find someone who will. You have been patient for 5 1/2 years. You can't get those years back. How much more of your life are you willing to give up waiting for him to "change his mind".
 
September 23, 2006, 9:22 am CDT

be true to you own feelings

Quote From: jeckyl51

Well, I am in love with a 38 year old woman and she says she is in love with me.  I don't doubt her commitment as she is a sincere and honest person.  She does not have one problem.  She has never been married and does not have experience in dating.  She was shy growing up and probably a little self conscious.  She is now heavy and has not dated in some time.  She appreciated the fact that her weight is not a problem with me and thinks we are a good fit.  She tells me that see just wants to be sure.  She wants me to help her lose weight then she wants to date other guys to be sure we are right for each other.  My problem is I really love her.  Am I blinded by love?  Am I an idiot?  Should I invest the time to see if she will gain this experience and decide to be with me?  Is there something wrong with her thinking?  Is there something wrong with my thinking?  I'm confused.

I think you are a great person by already being patient with her and looking at her inner beauty and not her weight.  I think you should be more clear with her, tell her that if you are not what she is looking for, or if she is using you just as a stepping stone, then that she lets you free and you can focus your energy in somebody that thinks you are also worth it.

 

Success....

 
September 23, 2006, 9:27 am CDT

oh darling

Quote From: kissers

You are paying the price for his issues? Where do your feelings come into the picture? It does take two to end a marriage. It doesn't sound like he is willing to look at his faults. You deserve someone who wants to marry you!

That's one of the mistakes that we as women have.  WE expect the other person to change.  Did you ask him about what he thought of marriage since once day you might want to get married and knowing that he was married twice?  take ownership that you got involved with him  without asking him first, now, you cannot say but I want to be married.  Love him and respect him and if his choice is not to marry ask him why, and if it is a good reason, then respect his decision.  Also, ask yourself if what you want is him or marriage and what do you look in marriage, is it the image of portraying yourself in a different way, is it the security that marriage brings?  after asking yourself these questions then you can find out if you are also ready for another marriage.

 

Cheers

 
September 23, 2006, 10:34 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

yeah there is this girl at school and i love her ALOT

do you have any sugesstions on how i can get her to

be my girl friend?

 
September 23, 2006, 8:14 pm CDT

Confused About my relationship

I have been dating this man for 6 to 7 months.  It is a long distance relationship.  We talk on the phone several times a week.  He told me when we met he was gun shy.  He has been divorce for 2 years.  His ex wife was in an affair and then just dropped a bomb on him and filed for divorce.  He lost his wife and 2 sons just like that.  His 2 boys were his wole life.  When were together it is great.  It seems we have the desire fora relationship, but when he leaves he doesn't seem to get excited to make plans for the next time tobe together, I feel like I am always pushing for our time together.  I really want to be with him, I probably am falling in love with him but I will not let him know that other than how I treat him.  We neither one say those words to each other.  I don't even know where I stand with him and I am afraid to ask him, becuse I am afraid  I will scare him away.  One other thing he said to me earlier on was to be patient with him.  What kind of questions should  I ask him to be more confortable with where I stand with him.  My emotions are going crazy with not knowing where I stand with him.  Any advice , please help?
 
September 23, 2006, 10:08 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: alfie33

I have been dating this man for 6 to 7 months.  It is a long distance relationship.  We talk on the phone several times a week.  He told me when we met he was gun shy.  He has been divorce for 2 years.  His ex wife was in an affair and then just dropped a bomb on him and filed for divorce.  He lost his wife and 2 sons just like that.  His 2 boys were his wole life.  When were together it is great.  It seems we have the desire fora relationship, but when he leaves he doesn't seem to get excited to make plans for the next time tobe together, I feel like I am always pushing for our time together.  I really want to be with him, I probably am falling in love with him but I will not let him know that other than how I treat him.  We neither one say those words to each other.  I don't even know where I stand with him and I am afraid to ask him, becuse I am afraid  I will scare him away.  One other thing he said to me earlier on was to be patient with him.  What kind of questions should  I ask him to be more confortable with where I stand with him.  My emotions are going crazy with not knowing where I stand with him.  Any advice , please help?

Dont be scared...just ask him and do it strait up!

i ask girls out all the time and tell um i love them strait up...

i say just go for it!   :smile:

 
September 24, 2006, 2:02 pm CDT

How long do you wait?

Hello. My name is Janessa. I'm 26 years old (almost 27). I married my high school sweetheart in 2001 and we divorced in December of last year because he cheated. So we were together a total of almost 9 years. I left him last May.

 

Istarted dating a wonderful man in September of last year. So we have been together for a year now. He is 32 and divorced his wife in Februrary of this year, also due to infidelity issues - she also cheated. They were together 11 years.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. He has a 5 year old son (almost 6 years). After they had a child, he had a vasectomy. I have no children, but have always wanted children. I have never thought of not having children at some point. He, on the other hand, only planned on having one child and now he's not sure if he 1, wants to ever get remarried and 2, if he wants to have more children.

Having babies is not something I am really worried about, because if he had a reversal and it didn't work, we would adopt, but none of that matters if he doesn't want children at all. He thinks he will get there, but it will take time. How much time?

 

So my question is, how long do you wait for someone? I really love him and I understand that we have not been together all that long, but I would like to know if this is going to work out or if it is worth my time. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't want the same things I do? What if I wait and then he decides he doesn't want to ever get married again or have children? Then I'll get hurt too. I am just at such a loss as to what to do. We have talked about breaking up, in fact, we were on the verge of it last week, but neither one of us feels good about just walking away.

 

We have been through a lot and continue to go through a lot with his ex-wife and the issues with her and his son. That's more baggage and hard on me too. I think he's worth it, but then what if my goals, hopes and dreams are never met? Any advice?

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 Janessa

 
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