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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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September 28, 2006, 2:20 am CDT

Not much longer

Quote From: avawild

I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months.  I realized that I was in love with him when he was diagnosed with a serious illness.  He, however, does not love me.  After 10 month, he only really really likes me.   This is not good enough for me.  He claims to have been hurt before (e.g., his parents divorce, previous girlfriend of only 4 months, etc.).  How long do I wait?!?  Ive never been happier so walking away is not an option BUT at the same time, I deserve more.  Its not like we are rushing into this relationshipits almost been one year (my parents were married after one year!).  What should I do?  How long do I wait?

For starters, walking away IS an option, don't ever forget that.  You love this person and he is clearly telling you he really likes you.  You can not force another person to love you.  You may be waiting a really long time for something that may never materialize.   At some point in this relationship you may will have to walk away if he feelings do not change or he may walk away.  Most people when dating for 10 months  know if they love their partner or not, know if they have a future together etc.  I honestly would only give it a month or two  at the most and then it's time to move on.  You do deserve at some point in your life to be loved by your partner, unfortunately he may not be the one.
 
September 30, 2006, 3:00 am CDT

im broken hearted

  im a 25 yr old that has been going out with a guy for 2 yrs ,, its pretty much over now ,, and the reason was i wanted marriage and he didnt ,, i didnt want to marry him so i can just have the ring on my finger but i honestly thought he was my soul mate ,, i went through the worst time of my life ,, so i decided to go back to an ex that i knew a year before i met my soul mate and now im getting married in 3 months ,, but the truth is i cant get over this guy ,, i keep driving myself insane ,, i keep imagining him sleeping with other girls ,, and it just kills me ,, i try sooooo hard to forget him ,, but nothing works ,, i forget him for a day ,, and then the next day it starts over again ,, i just want to know how the hell do i  move on ??? its been 4 months now and i still am the same ,, im grieving like someone to died ,, not like i broke up with someone who made the decision of not to be with me ?

 
September 30, 2006, 5:53 am CDT

Break of the engagement

Quote From: unsatisfied

  im a 25 yr old that has been going out with a guy for 2 yrs ,, its pretty much over now ,, and the reason was i wanted marriage and he didnt ,, i didnt want to marry him so i can just have the ring on my finger but i honestly thought he was my soul mate ,, i went through the worst time of my life ,, so i decided to go back to an ex that i knew a year before i met my soul mate and now im getting married in 3 months ,, but the truth is i cant get over this guy ,, i keep driving myself insane ,, i keep imagining him sleeping with other girls ,, and it just kills me ,, i try sooooo hard to forget him ,, but nothing works ,, i forget him for a day ,, and then the next day it starts over again ,, i just want to know how the hell do i  move on ??? its been 4 months now and i still am the same ,, im grieving like someone to died ,, not like i broke up with someone who made the decision of not to be with me ?

So basically you are on the rebound and are marrying the guy who is "second best".  Big mistake...  That is unfair to you and extremely unfair to your fiancee.  You have no business getting married at this point in your life.

You are still mourning a relationship you wanted very much.  If I were you I'd cancel my wedding plans asap and get into counseling to help you get over your "soul mate".  It's okay to be alone in fact that is where you should be at this point in your life right now, alone and working on yourself.  You deserve to be marrying someone that you are head over heels in love with and vise versa,   Are you truly ready to marry this guy and spend the rest of your life with him????  If not, break of the engagement and call a therapist today!!!  Why get married only to get divorced when you finally come to your senses?

 
September 30, 2006, 9:31 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: sandy0914

So basically you are on the rebound and are marrying the guy who is "second best".  Big mistake...  That is unfair to you and extremely unfair to your fiancee.  You have no business getting married at this point in your life.

You are still mourning a relationship you wanted very much.  If I were you I'd cancel my wedding plans asap and get into counseling to help you get over your "soul mate".  It's okay to be alone in fact that is where you should be at this point in your life right now, alone and working on yourself.  You deserve to be marrying someone that you are head over heels in love with and vise versa,   Are you truly ready to marry this guy and spend the rest of your life with him????  If not, break of the engagement and call a therapist today!!!  Why get married only to get divorced when you finally come to your senses?

well i mean for me the only reason i wouldnt get married is just in case i have a one percent chance with my ex again ,, BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN ,, his family dont like me ,, cuz they feel im taking their brother and son away from them when they want him to help them out financially ,, and hes always there for them emotionly ,, and he at the same time cant leave or disappoint his family ,, which is pretty sad for a 30 yr old ,, so basically even if i married him there would be a big chance thatll ill be stuck in the middle and never be a priority ,, but on the other hand he was the sweetest guy ever so i did think that if we had a chance he would never let me go with out amotionally or financially ,, and that is just proving the fact that when ur in love u try not to look at the bad sides of things ,, cuz his family already told me to F*** off so what more than that do i need , and would i be happy in a situation like that ? so what am i really grieving a relationship i dreamt of cuz i only saw the good side of everything ? cuz he never introduced me to his family  until he got in a car a ccident and i saw them by mistake when i went to visit him at the hospital .... sorry i talked too much but but im making myself feel better

 
October 1, 2006, 5:07 am CDT

You're not ready

Quote From: unsatisfied

well i mean for me the only reason i wouldnt get married is just in case i have a one percent chance with my ex again ,, BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN ,, his family dont like me ,, cuz they feel im taking their brother and son away from them when they want him to help them out financially ,, and hes always there for them emotionly ,, and he at the same time cant leave or disappoint his family ,, which is pretty sad for a 30 yr old ,, so basically even if i married him there would be a big chance thatll ill be stuck in the middle and never be a priority ,, but on the other hand he was the sweetest guy ever so i did think that if we had a chance he would never let me go with out amotionally or financially ,, and that is just proving the fact that when ur in love u try not to look at the bad sides of things ,, cuz his family already told me to F*** off so what more than that do i need , and would i be happy in a situation like that ? so what am i really grieving a relationship i dreamt of cuz i only saw the good side of everything ? cuz he never introduced me to his family  until he got in a car a ccident and i saw them by mistake when i went to visit him at the hospital .... sorry i talked too much but but im making myself feel better

So you're going into this marriage 99%, not 100% - not good enough!!!!!

Why don't you tell you fiancee exactly how you feel, just like you wrote in your first post and this one as well and see what he says???  He is playing second to the man you can never have.  You are not ready for marriage .  Period.

So what would you do if your ex came to you the night before the wedding and told you not  to get married to your fiancee - what would you do????   If he told you he would marry you. 

 
October 1, 2006, 9:25 pm CDT

I'm in love...what do I do??

Here is my story...this guy and I were doing a casual thing for a while and he told me straight up to begin with that he didn't want a relationship. Well...this went on for several months and I found myself falling for him. I couldn't take it anymore and so one day I had a talk with him and told him that I was really starting to like him and I didn't know what to do about it...and I asked him how he felt. Of course, he gave me the same answer. I got really upset and heartbroken, and so I couldn't talk to him for a while. He kept calling me and wanted to talk, but I was just too embarrassed, heartbroken, and scared to talk to him. So he got frustrated and then he got all upset. So FINALLY I called him and told him I was ready to talk to him and I just told him straight up that it was going to be hard to get over him. He told me that he really does like me but he was scared to death to get into another relationship because of his last ex of 2 years that cheated on him and it really hurt him. He said that he didn't want to go through that again. We agreed to be friends still and hang out. Well...of course hanging out with him doesn't help any because I can't just see him as a friend, but I don't want to lose a great friendship either, so I try to bare with it. We don't act like "just friends" either. We cuddle on the bed and watch TV together and stuff. I keep thinking to the old saying "Actions speak louder than words." So do I go by what his actions say and wait on him to come around when I know that he does really care for me? Or do I just stop seeing him until all my emotions eventually go away and I just move on? I don't know what to do. I have never been in love before and it just is really frustrating when he tells me one thing and acts another way. HELP ME PLEASE!

 
October 2, 2006, 4:24 am CDT

Your decision

Quote From: amber9763

Here is my story...this guy and I were doing a casual thing for a while and he told me straight up to begin with that he didn't want a relationship. Well...this went on for several months and I found myself falling for him. I couldn't take it anymore and so one day I had a talk with him and told him that I was really starting to like him and I didn't know what to do about it...and I asked him how he felt. Of course, he gave me the same answer. I got really upset and heartbroken, and so I couldn't talk to him for a while. He kept calling me and wanted to talk, but I was just too embarrassed, heartbroken, and scared to talk to him. So he got frustrated and then he got all upset. So FINALLY I called him and told him I was ready to talk to him and I just told him straight up that it was going to be hard to get over him. He told me that he really does like me but he was scared to death to get into another relationship because of his last ex of 2 years that cheated on him and it really hurt him. He said that he didn't want to go through that again. We agreed to be friends still and hang out. Well...of course hanging out with him doesn't help any because I can't just see him as a friend, but I don't want to lose a great friendship either, so I try to bare with it. We don't act like "just friends" either. We cuddle on the bed and watch TV together and stuff. I keep thinking to the old saying "Actions speak louder than words." So do I go by what his actions say and wait on him to come around when I know that he does really care for me? Or do I just stop seeing him until all my emotions eventually go away and I just move on? I don't know what to do. I have never been in love before and it just is really frustrating when he tells me one thing and acts another way. HELP ME PLEASE!

While it is true actions do speak louder than words - you still can't ignore the fact that he told you he does not want a relationship right now either. He had a bad experience in his past relationship which you are paying the price for.  He is giving you mixed signals and words and you need to talk to him again about this "friendship" and clearly understand what it is that he is doing.  If he again says he wants to be just friends then you need to get your heart and emotions in check and realize that should you decide to continue in this relationship, your heart will eventually get broken.    Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

I would limit my time with him and date other people and go out with your girlfriends etc.  You are in college and are young.  Your education should be your top priority.  This is a high risk relationship, he's told you that already.  If it was me, I'd say goodbye and tell him to call you when he is ready to try again.    Only you can decide how much you can handle and are willing to risk in the hands of a "friend"  who can't mentally commit to a serious relationship right now. 

Being friends with someone you are in love with doesn't work, normally you need to cut all ties and move on.

 
October 2, 2006, 2:23 pm CDT

What do i do ??

Hi folks....

 

My name is ange, i'm in a relationship with this 37yr old guy, and have been for 2 and half yrs now.. We have fallen out about 20 times, but made up, only because ive give in to keep the peace, bare in mind its me who finishes with him, because he drives me crazy, he really doesnt understand why i get so upset over things he does, we dont live to together,I'm 34 and i have 3 children from a past marriage, which he is good with them, he likes to be in control, and says he does it to give me a break, which i think is sweet of him.. But different with me, he stands me up, and think thats ok, bare in mind that hurts like hell, because i start thinking, does he really want to be with me, i would so like this relationship to move on, but dont think its ever going to happen, he's hurt me so much over the yrs, it got that bad that i decided to keep my guard up, so i wouldnt get so down the next time anything happened... He says ive hurt him, by keep finishing when something happens.... He hurts me that bad my guard comes up then, and i just blow things out of proporsion, i'm not a very good talker with him, but am with my friends... He's even asked me to go to concelling to sort are problem out, will this really help, would like some input off anyone in my situation... Ive even had a look at our star signs to see if theirs anyhting in there.. I'm a virgo, and he's a gemini...  I really do love him love though and we have great sex, but now i think sex is'nt everything, because i think deep down thats whats keeping us going..... ..Please is there anyone their to give advise..... Angela....From the uk....

 
October 2, 2006, 3:40 pm CDT

Should I move on or hang in there?

Here is my problem, I've been dating this 52 year old man for 7-8months.  Long distance.  These last 2 months we have seen each other more often and I thought we were growing closer.  I asked him where I stood in this dating relationship.  His reply was I'm not in any hurry to get into a serious relationship like I was in my marriage.  So I said what do you want me to do.  He said I would like you to stay just like you are, sweet, friendly, fun to be with.  He also said I know its not fair to you but this is how I feel, I am very gun shy. He said he did fear I wouldn't wait around to see when he's ready.  He was burned in his marriage of 27 years-infedility and more.  He does call almost every day and when he does come to visit me he is very helpful around my house, he repairs things etc.  I do have very strong feelings for him, but I am afraid also.  Anyone have any advice???? Help  Thanks Alfie
 
October 2, 2006, 4:37 pm CDT

well,well,well

Ok....so here is the deal. I go to school and i find out this girl i like doesnt like me.What should i do to get her to like me or something like that...i at least wanna be friends with her!

Can you help me?

 
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