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Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

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October 2, 2006, 10:47 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: alfie33

Here is my problem, I've been dating this 52 year old man for 7-8months.  Long distance.  These last 2 months we have seen each other more often and I thought we were growing closer.  I asked him where I stood in this dating relationship.  His reply was I'm not in any hurry to get into a serious relationship like I was in my marriage.  So I said what do you want me to do.  He said I would like you to stay just like you are, sweet, friendly, fun to be with.  He also said I know its not fair to you but this is how I feel, I am very gun shy. He said he did fear I wouldn't wait around to see when he's ready.  He was burned in his marriage of 27 years-infedility and more.  He does call almost every day and when he does come to visit me he is very helpful around my house, he repairs things etc.  I do have very strong feelings for him, but I am afraid also.  Anyone have any advice???? Help  Thanks Alfie

Hi.

 

He sounds like a nice guy, i would wait that little bit longer if i were you, 12 months at least.... 27yrs is a long time to just get over someone, be carefull he may still have feelings for his ex... Just let the relationship between you get closer, without any comments of moving the relationship on, not yet anyway...Beside's whats the rush.??..7-8months isnt that long really, to be thinking about moving in, and engagment, stuff like that..... Enjoy what you have now with him, then in 12 months time if nothings changed, sit and explain how you feel after that, he may then want more..!!

 

Hope this helps..

 

Regards Ange

 
October 3, 2006, 9:22 am CDT

Thanks Angie it helped

Quote From: pointon

Hi.

 

He sounds like a nice guy, i would wait that little bit longer if i were you, 12 months at least.... 27yrs is a long time to just get over someone, be carefull he may still have feelings for his ex... Just let the relationship between you get closer, without any comments of moving the relationship on, not yet anyway...Beside's whats the rush.??..7-8months isnt that long really, to be thinking about moving in, and engagment, stuff like that..... Enjoy what you have now with him, then in 12 months time if nothings changed, sit and explain how you feel after that, he may then want more..!!

 

Hope this helps..

 

Regards Ange

 
October 3, 2006, 9:23 am CDT

He or she won't commit

Quote From: pointon

Hi.

 

He sounds like a nice guy, i would wait that little bit longer if i were you, 12 months at least.... 27yrs is a long time to just get over someone, be carefull he may still have feelings for his ex... Just let the relationship between you get closer, without any comments of moving the relationship on, not yet anyway...Beside's whats the rush.??..7-8months isnt that long really, to be thinking about moving in, and engagment, stuff like that..... Enjoy what you have now with him, then in 12 months time if nothings changed, sit and explain how you feel after that, he may then want more..!!

 

Hope this helps..

 

Regards Ange

Thanks to Angie it does help to know someone else thinks like I do.  My other friends keep telling me to move on.
 
October 3, 2006, 11:02 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: alfie33

Thanks to Angie it does help to know someone else thinks like I do.  My other friends keep telling me to move on.

Hi again..

 

Would just like to say, if they were true friends, they shouldnt tell you that.... They should be telling you to follow your heart, it may be worth it in the end....

 

I'm glad i helped..  Ange

 
October 3, 2006, 1:16 pm CDT

I dont know what to do!

 

Alright I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months. We have both been in a marriage, that ended up in divorce, and have a hard time maybe committing to anybody. When we first started dating, I kept telling myself that this was too good to be true. It was by far the best relationship I had ever been in, and the healthiest. We talked about everything, and had no troubles with the communication process. We spent a lot of time together, which for me was good, because that was lacking in my first marriage. We both have children from our previous marriages, so we knew things might be difficult, when it came to the children. As the relationship went on, things seemed to be so good, almost too good. We were both raised very different. Both of our parents were divorced when we were very young, and we both had step parents involved in our life. But my life, I really cant complain, I had a good childhood, a family that loved me, and I never had to second guess anything really. He was raised by his mother and step father, and his step father was hard on him, but I truly believed that he saw a lot of potential in him, and that is why he pushed him so much to succeed. Along with that his real father, had nothing really to do with him in his life. He remarried a woman, they had a daughter, and from that point on, she was their main concern, and to this day still is. I don't think he has ever felt accepted by his father, nor do I think he ever will. That is the very sad to me.

 

We have had a few issues when it has come to his dad and step mom and sister, and this is causing so much stress on our relationship. They have tried to put words in to my mouth, and called me a liar, and in return makes him take a second look at our relationship. He proposed to me in March, and had no congratulations in return when it came to his sister. I feel that there is a jealousy issue, and that she doesn't want anyone with him, so makes it miserable for all people involved. We had an incident a few weeks ago, where they lied to him about something that involved his daughter, which in turn involved his ex-wife, who would make it so miserable for him, at any chance possible. This has caused major damage to our relationship. He keeps telling me now that he doesn't know what love is, but that  I am his best friend, and that he cant imagine his life without me. I don't know what to do. We built a house together, and my children live with us, who truly adore him, but this has been difficult to him also. He has been so mixed up, and is not OK with himself. He has huge self worth issues, and truly believes that he doesn't deserve me. I cant imagine not thinking that I wasn't deserving to him. He came in to my life, when I needed him  most, and is truly an angel in my eyes, a godsend to me and my children, but he doesn't see that himself. I don't want to give up on him, but he is not making an effort at all, and I do think its because of his family. When all he hears his step mother say is " I don't know why you would want to be with her, nobody likes her" makes it difficult for him to make decisions. There are so many mixed feelings, when it comes to this relationship.  I know I love him, that has never been a question, I honestly fell in love with him the moment i met him, and I will love him till the day I die, so it makes it so hard for me. Any ideas for this troubled gal?

 
October 3, 2006, 1:51 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: ellefsonj

 

Alright I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months. We have both been in a marriage, that ended up in divorce, and have a hard time maybe committing to anybody. When we first started dating, I kept telling myself that this was too good to be true. It was by far the best relationship I had ever been in, and the healthiest. We talked about everything, and had no troubles with the communication process. We spent a lot of time together, which for me was good, because that was lacking in my first marriage. We both have children from our previous marriages, so we knew things might be difficult, when it came to the children. As the relationship went on, things seemed to be so good, almost too good. We were both raised very different. Both of our parents were divorced when we were very young, and we both had step parents involved in our life. But my life, I really cant complain, I had a good childhood, a family that loved me, and I never had to second guess anything really. He was raised by his mother and step father, and his step father was hard on him, but I truly believed that he saw a lot of potential in him, and that is why he pushed him so much to succeed. Along with that his real father, had nothing really to do with him in his life. He remarried a woman, they had a daughter, and from that point on, she was their main concern, and to this day still is. I don't think he has ever felt accepted by his father, nor do I think he ever will. That is the very sad to me.

 

We have had a few issues when it has come to his dad and step mom and sister, and this is causing so much stress on our relationship. They have tried to put words in to my mouth, and called me a liar, and in return makes him take a second look at our relationship. He proposed to me in March, and had no congratulations in return when it came to his sister. I feel that there is a jealousy issue, and that she doesn't want anyone with him, so makes it miserable for all people involved. We had an incident a few weeks ago, where they lied to him about something that involved his daughter, which in turn involved his ex-wife, who would make it so miserable for him, at any chance possible. This has caused major damage to our relationship. He keeps telling me now that he doesn't know what love is, but that  I am his best friend, and that he cant imagine his life without me. I don't know what to do. We built a house together, and my children live with us, who truly adore him, but this has been difficult to him also. He has been so mixed up, and is not OK with himself. He has huge self worth issues, and truly believes that he doesn't deserve me. I cant imagine not thinking that I wasn't deserving to him. He came in to my life, when I needed him  most, and is truly an angel in my eyes, a godsend to me and my children, but he doesn't see that himself. I don't want to give up on him, but he is not making an effort at all, and I do think its because of his family. When all he hears his step mother say is " I don't know why you would want to be with her, nobody likes her" makes it difficult for him to make decisions. There are so many mixed feelings, when it comes to this relationship.  I know I love him, that has never been a question, I honestly fell in love with him the moment i met him, and I will love him till the day I die, so it makes it so hard for me. Any ideas for this troubled gal?

Hi...

 

I think what you need to do is, give him alittle leeway, you cant help the fact that his family dont like you, but if he loved you he wouldn't let his family slag you off... Worst thing you can do is slag them off, but for god's sake dont do that, because he may resent you for it..... You could ask him one question to ask his family, Why do they dislike you so???. Besides the fact you love their son.!!

 

Do the descent think and ask them round tea, or other occasions, they'd hate you for it, but would put you in good books with your fella, i know from experiance.!!!

 

Be chatty and friends with them, but deep down you hate their guts, but you'll be doing it for your fella, not you.!!... Showing him that you are trying to make a go of things..

 

If he cant imagine life without you, then the family thing should go to one side, you and him are more important...

 
October 3, 2006, 4:45 pm CDT

Two thoughts

Quote From: ellefsonj

 

Alright I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 18 months. We have both been in a marriage, that ended up in divorce, and have a hard time maybe committing to anybody. When we first started dating, I kept telling myself that this was too good to be true. It was by far the best relationship I had ever been in, and the healthiest. We talked about everything, and had no troubles with the communication process. We spent a lot of time together, which for me was good, because that was lacking in my first marriage. We both have children from our previous marriages, so we knew things might be difficult, when it came to the children. As the relationship went on, things seemed to be so good, almost too good. We were both raised very different. Both of our parents were divorced when we were very young, and we both had step parents involved in our life. But my life, I really cant complain, I had a good childhood, a family that loved me, and I never had to second guess anything really. He was raised by his mother and step father, and his step father was hard on him, but I truly believed that he saw a lot of potential in him, and that is why he pushed him so much to succeed. Along with that his real father, had nothing really to do with him in his life. He remarried a woman, they had a daughter, and from that point on, she was their main concern, and to this day still is. I don't think he has ever felt accepted by his father, nor do I think he ever will. That is the very sad to me.

 

We have had a few issues when it has come to his dad and step mom and sister, and this is causing so much stress on our relationship. They have tried to put words in to my mouth, and called me a liar, and in return makes him take a second look at our relationship. He proposed to me in March, and had no congratulations in return when it came to his sister. I feel that there is a jealousy issue, and that she doesn't want anyone with him, so makes it miserable for all people involved. We had an incident a few weeks ago, where they lied to him about something that involved his daughter, which in turn involved his ex-wife, who would make it so miserable for him, at any chance possible. This has caused major damage to our relationship. He keeps telling me now that he doesn't know what love is, but that  I am his best friend, and that he cant imagine his life without me. I don't know what to do. We built a house together, and my children live with us, who truly adore him, but this has been difficult to him also. He has been so mixed up, and is not OK with himself. He has huge self worth issues, and truly believes that he doesn't deserve me. I cant imagine not thinking that I wasn't deserving to him. He came in to my life, when I needed him  most, and is truly an angel in my eyes, a godsend to me and my children, but he doesn't see that himself. I don't want to give up on him, but he is not making an effort at all, and I do think its because of his family. When all he hears his step mother say is " I don't know why you would want to be with her, nobody likes her" makes it difficult for him to make decisions. There are so many mixed feelings, when it comes to this relationship.  I know I love him, that has never been a question, I honestly fell in love with him the moment i met him, and I will love him till the day I die, so it makes it so hard for me. Any ideas for this troubled gal?

Your post is beautifully written, I can tell that you love and respect this man.

 

Two things you might consider.  But his the book Self Matters by Dr. Phil.  It has a lot of exercises in it which go back to childhood issues which may help him appreciate who he is today and that he has to let go of those early childhood memories which are hurting him today and will continue to do so until he can resolve them.

Also I would suggest that he see a counselor to resolve his issues.    Unfortunately you can't pick you family but you can learn how to deal with them and not let them run or ruin your life.  I know he doesn't see it that way but any therapist will see what they are doing to his mind.

 
October 3, 2006, 6:34 pm CDT

BEST THING EVER!!

 I have never written on a mess. board before, but after watching the show today Oct.3 I just had to share.  19 Years ago I met who I thought was the love of my life.  We dated for 2 or 3 years and I thought I was so happy.  I was 24 and thought it was time to settle down, get married and start a family.  He was not so sure, so I did the same thing Robin did: I said either we start our lives together or it's over.  He asked me to marry him.  We visited his family- 2 days drive away(MY first time) and he seemed genuinely happy.  Then after we returned home he said he was not sure about the "marriage thing".  He did not want to get married.  I cried and gave him back his ring and told him to give it back to me when he was sure.  I really thought he'd return it to me.  He didn't.  I did not once waver in my decision.  Then I met my true love.  Same values, background, goals for the future.  We got married 12 years ago and have  three beautiful children.  My life is what I have always dreamed it could be.  Then last year I rounded the corner at Wal-mart and ran straight into my old boyfriend.  We hugged and had a little chat.  I told him I was married 11 years and had 3 children blah...blah and Him?  Well, he was still wearing the same designer shirt he wore 15 years ago.  He had no children and had never married.  His hair was even the same.  He was exactly the same!!!I always thought I;d feel so happy to see him if he had a crappy life.  He had hurt me a lot.  It just made me sad.  I felt sorry he didn't have all the blessings I did.  But he had what he wanted.  That was the life he chose for himself.  It was the best decision I ever made-walking away from him.  LISTEN GIRLS: IF HE SAYS HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED, HE PROBABLY DOESN'T-EVER.  I feel like a dodged a bullet 15 years ago.  And in doing so...met the man of my dreams.  
Don't let anyone steal your dreams away...dig in.  Hold your ground.  Whatever happens is supposed to happen.  Have confidence in yourself.  Just have a little faith.   
 
October 4, 2006, 10:59 am CDT

HELP! i have no idea what to do

So me and my boyfriend are high school sweet hearts and we've been together for going on 8 years. We have a little boy who is 4. No commitment from him yet! We do live together and have since our son was born. I do everything for him and our family. You know the wifely duties of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc. I also work full time. Well he recently told me that he doesn't know if he loves me. how can you not know if you love someone? he tells me that I am a wonderful mother I'll be a wonderful wife but he just doesn't know why he can't find it in him to marry me. I know I love him. I see my future with him and more kids. NOW I have no idea I am so confused with everything he tells me. He says he needs time that he doesn't know which kind of love he has. Does he love me just because I am the mother of his child and we basically grew up together and have gone through so much and because I'm like his best friend or is he in love with me. Should I just let him be? move out and let him deal with this confusion to figure it out or do we stay together and just work through it together. I mean I can't make him love me.

I want him to be there because he wants to be there not because he feels he has to. I love this man to death. I would do anything for him and my son. I don't feel the same from him right now in our relationship... is this just a bump in the road or should we end it? I am so confused

 
October 4, 2006, 12:15 pm CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: jaimie1974

When he told you that he doesnt know if he loves you, was it during an argument, was it out of nowhere, or were the two of you having a discussion about the future?
After being together for 8 years, people know if they are in love or not in love. I know that this must be so painful for you; here you are, doing all the wifely duties and raising your child, and he says this to you. It is like a slap in the face.
It is possible that he loves you because you are the mother of his son, and because the two of you have known each other for such a long time, and perhaps the love he feels for you has turned into the kind of love that is more like the friendship love. Although it will be very difficult for you, my advice for you is to ask him straight out if that is what has happened- that way, you will know, instead of wondering and waiting. It isnt fair for you to be waiting around for him to tell you what to do with the rest of your life. If the two of you break up, it will be very difficult for both of you on many levels, but lets face it: YOU are the one who will have it tougher. It isnt easy being a single working mother. But, it is better than staying in a relationship that is holding your life back.
Change is difficult. A few things that dr. phil says to keep in mind: children would rather come from a broken home than live in one, and, most of the time, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. I wish you the best, keep your chin up, and love yourself!
 
No it wasn't in the heat of an argument or anything. It was 3 am he woke me up out of a deep sleep. He said babe I'm sorry to wake you up but i need to talk to you. And so we started talking and that's what i got out of. And i told him the same thing and explained to him that there are different levels of love. that he may just love me because i am the mother of his child and all that stuff and I've asked him.. "is that what it is you just have that friendship love for me?" he said he doesn't know. He is so confused himself which makes me even more confused because i don't know what to do. if we are meant to be together i guess it will just happen. And if not we will all be okay. Your right it will be hard and i know our son and myself will be fine. He's a good guy i know he will still be a wonderful father. So i know if we aren't together it won't be the hostel breakup that usually happens. I know it will be okay. thanks for the advice its always nice to hear someone Else's opinion. 
 
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