Message Boards

Topic : He/She Won't Commit!

Number of Replies: 787
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Sunday, September 17, 2006, 04:12:30 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Are you more like friends than partners? How long should you date someone before some sort of commitment is expected? Share your stories and advice here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 4, 2006, 11:37 pm CDT

Is it long enough or not??

I have been in love with a man for last 16yrs, we met when we were both married.  I got out of my marriage 8yrs ago & his divorce was finalized over a year ago.  His boys are 16 & 21 and mine is 19.  We have an extremely passionate & caring relationship except that I turned 40 and I am ready to get married now & he still says ""not now" but that does not mean No'" Maybe after the 16yrs one goes to college in 2 yrs.  However since I have heard "Not Now" that many times over only the reasons have changed over the years.  I want to believe him but my gut tells me that by 2008 the older one will graduate and be working and home or something so that reason would change but his answer will be "Not now'.  I love this man and he is Awesome in every way, his kids know about me and I see them and would be just fine with time and I think he is using them as an excuse..... I see him and wish every man had a daughter to realize "what it feels like when she is my shoes". 

 

I am looking for help to get his value system evaluated..... I think its worst for his kids to know that he has a woman he lives with when its convenient than to be married to someone other than their mother & still set an example of a warm loving caring relationship where 2 people actually admire each other.  He can assure them in many more ways and wow to provide a warm loving and caring environment.   In his marriage they both had affairs all the time and he told me several years ago that "Thanks to you, I've become a one woman man".    My therapist who had met him too and knew the case once said, that it's like he was married to a mistress (who did not care if he had affairs as long as she got the next big ring or the house or the car) and he found a wife in you.  I know he is not having other affairs or anything like that anymore, he is a good man but I think he is little messed up in his value system as he is willing to let me walk just because he says he promised his boys that he will not cause them any more in convenience by having to move or living with anyone else etc. etc.  and I think when in 20yrs he will perhaps still be lonely after getting through another woman or 2 and still wanting/missing me and tell his kids that back in 2006 I could not care about  Anila's feelings or desires to honor her love for me and lost her just because I did not want to break my promise to you and the boys would say that come on Dad...... why didn't you tell us then, it would not have been that big a deal......... and it will be way too late for any of us to fix or change anything.  But he is a stubborn/hard headed man, when it comes to his boys, just because he promised them.... he will not even ask tell check or mention until its too late and might regret in retrospect.  He is a salesman and smooth, goes to the therapist and sells them to his view.  I'd like you can bring him on the show he will sell you to his point of view too perhaps.  I am sure he will be willing to come to you and I really need someone big like you to get through to him .  Please help.  I love and care about him enough to not leave him to be lonely..... he is a good soul, very warm loving and caring but a little messed up in his value system because I think sadly he fell in to the not so respectable environment in his early 20s when we really learn to recognize and learn to establish our value systems about relationships and honor.  I feel very sad for him but I love him a lot to not try this one last effort before I give up. 

 

By the way, he turned 48 today and I turned 40 yesterday.  Last Saturday, he made a huge effort and had a large surprise party for my 40th where he invited all my family and all whom he had not met much or knew even and they all came thinking that perhaps he had something planned in his mind to make this relationship official or anything and held their breath with me...... but Nope this man feels no responsibility to make a commitment.  We both are originally from India and we are essentially very conservative & cultured people though we have been here 20+yrs but the basic values are the same.  I had the same values was why I could not remain married while I was in love with him, it was hard but I got out of my marriage within a few years but he took lot longer and I understood in encumbrances and delays but now when he has been divorced for over a year and the kids are 16 & 21 having girlfriends and Proms, I see that as an excuse he is using.  I could understand if they were little impressionable children..... they know how much I love him or he loves me after all they were helping him and involved in the planning of his party for me etc.

 

You are my only hope!!  I want to have the opportunity to talk to you in the house, on the show or on the phone.. whatever it takes to seek some sanity and to make peace with myself even if I have to walk away now that I tried every thing before I gave up. 

 
October 5, 2006, 2:59 am CDT

International relationship

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over five years. He is Norwegian and I am Australian. We first met in Australia where he was studying for two years. He stayed on after he completed his degree and we went through the three-year process of getting his permanent residency in Australia.

In 2005 after a very bad patch in our relationship, he got very homesick and decided to return to Norway. We spent the best part of a year in a long distance relationship and then earlier this year I packed up my entire life and moved to Norway to be with him.

One of the biggest hurdles of our relationship has been that I definitely want children, and he was never sure whether he wanted them or not. I have told him very clearly that there is no point in us getting married if he doesn't want children because one or both of us will end up unfulfilled and miserable.

After a lot of discussion on the matter, he has come around to the idea in theory, but his biggest concern now is if we got married and had kids, and then later divorced, we would each want to live in our own home country, and then what happens to the kids? We both have divorced and remarried parents, but my family has many examples of happy marriage, whereas his mother and step-father are constantly fighting and have been for as long as he can remember. He works with them in the family business, so he is constantly subjected to their arguments and unhappiness. This is his primary example of what marriage is like, and it scares him.

There really is no great solution to what happens to an international relationship that breaks up where kids are involved. But how can I convince him that any marriage is a leap of faith, and you can't go into it expecting it to end in divorce?
 
October 5, 2006, 1:47 pm CDT

Thanks

Quote From: sandy0914

Your post is beautifully written, I can tell that you love and respect this man.

 

Two things you might consider.  But his the book Self Matters by Dr. Phil.  It has a lot of exercises in it which go back to childhood issues which may help him appreciate who he is today and that he has to let go of those early childhood memories which are hurting him today and will continue to do so until he can resolve them.

Also I would suggest that he see a counselor to resolve his issues.    Unfortunately you can't pick you family but you can learn how to deal with them and not let them run or ruin your life.  I know he doesn't see it that way but any therapist will see what they are doing to his mind.

That is a good idea! I know that in order to get to the rainbow, you have to get through the storms, so I think it is a part of the situation, and god for whatever reason, is testing me. Thanks for all your input.
 
October 6, 2006, 6:05 am CDT

I see him differently

Quote From: wuciwuget

I have been in love with a man for last 16yrs, we met when we were both married.  I got out of my marriage 8yrs ago & his divorce was finalized over a year ago.  His boys are 16 & 21 and mine is 19.  We have an extremely passionate & caring relationship except that I turned 40 and I am ready to get married now & he still says ""not now" but that does not mean No'" Maybe after the 16yrs one goes to college in 2 yrs.  However since I have heard "Not Now" that many times over only the reasons have changed over the years.  I want to believe him but my gut tells me that by 2008 the older one will graduate and be working and home or something so that reason would change but his answer will be "Not now'.  I love this man and he is Awesome in every way, his kids know about me and I see them and would be just fine with time and I think he is using them as an excuse..... I see him and wish every man had a daughter to realize "what it feels like when she is my shoes". 

 

I am looking for help to get his value system evaluated..... I think its worst for his kids to know that he has a woman he lives with when its convenient than to be married to someone other than their mother & still set an example of a warm loving caring relationship where 2 people actually admire each other.  He can assure them in many more ways and wow to provide a warm loving and caring environment.   In his marriage they both had affairs all the time and he told me several years ago that "Thanks to you, I've become a one woman man".    My therapist who had met him too and knew the case once said, that it's like he was married to a mistress (who did not care if he had affairs as long as she got the next big ring or the house or the car) and he found a wife in you.  I know he is not having other affairs or anything like that anymore, he is a good man but I think he is little messed up in his value system as he is willing to let me walk just because he says he promised his boys that he will not cause them any more in convenience by having to move or living with anyone else etc. etc.  and I think when in 20yrs he will perhaps still be lonely after getting through another woman or 2 and still wanting/missing me and tell his kids that back in 2006 I could not care about  Anila's feelings or desires to honor her love for me and lost her just because I did not want to break my promise to you and the boys would say that come on Dad...... why didn't you tell us then, it would not have been that big a deal......... and it will be way too late for any of us to fix or change anything.  But he is a stubborn/hard headed man, when it comes to his boys, just because he promised them.... he will not even ask tell check or mention until its too late and might regret in retrospect.  He is a salesman and smooth, goes to the therapist and sells them to his view.  I'd like you can bring him on the show he will sell you to his point of view too perhaps.  I am sure he will be willing to come to you and I really need someone big like you to get through to him .  Please help.  I love and care about him enough to not leave him to be lonely..... he is a good soul, very warm loving and caring but a little messed up in his value system because I think sadly he fell in to the not so respectable environment in his early 20s when we really learn to recognize and learn to establish our value systems about relationships and honor.  I feel very sad for him but I love him a lot to not try this one last effort before I give up. 

 

By the way, he turned 48 today and I turned 40 yesterday.  Last Saturday, he made a huge effort and had a large surprise party for my 40th where he invited all my family and all whom he had not met much or knew even and they all came thinking that perhaps he had something planned in his mind to make this relationship official or anything and held their breath with me...... but Nope this man feels no responsibility to make a commitment.  We both are originally from India and we are essentially very conservative & cultured people though we have been here 20+yrs but the basic values are the same.  I had the same values was why I could not remain married while I was in love with him, it was hard but I got out of my marriage within a few years but he took lot longer and I understood in encumbrances and delays but now when he has been divorced for over a year and the kids are 16 & 21 having girlfriends and Proms, I see that as an excuse he is using.  I could understand if they were little impressionable children..... they know how much I love him or he loves me after all they were helping him and involved in the planning of his party for me etc.

 

You are my only hope!!  I want to have the opportunity to talk to you in the house, on the show or on the phone.. whatever it takes to seek some sanity and to make peace with myself even if I have to walk away now that I tried every thing before I gave up. 

This man does have values in which you are not seeing.  He had made a promise to his sons that he will not ask them to live with someone else or relocate and you are upset that he is not breaking that promise.  His sons have to be his number one priority right now, they are very impressionable young men who view their father as their role model.  I'm sure the divorce was very rough on them and has made a promise to himself to keep their lives as simple and stress free as possible. 

The problem here is that you are asking him to break this promise to his sons and are trying to change his mind and he won't budge.  You both seem to love and admire eachother tremendously which is a beautiful thing.  Why would you want to throw that away?  Now I realize that you have loved him for 16 years but he only got divorced a year ago.   I could see your point in a way if you wanted to get married and have children but I don't think that is the case.  You want what you want and he is happy with the way things are in your relationship right now. 

I'd suggest you give him time, what is the rush.  Let him get the kids off to college and then see what happens.  You should not have to push anybody into a marriage, he will marry you when he is ready.  I actually see him as a very noble and moral man who loves you but is doing right by keeping a promise he made to his boys.

 
October 6, 2006, 11:49 am CDT

He/She Won't Commit!

Quote From: littlecampers

 I have never written on a mess. board before, but after watching the show today Oct.3 I just had to share.  19 Years ago I met who I thought was the love of my life.  We dated for 2 or 3 years and I thought I was so happy.  I was 24 and thought it was time to settle down, get married and start a family.  He was not so sure, so I did the same thing Robin did: I said either we start our lives together or it's over.  He asked me to marry him.  We visited his family- 2 days drive away(MY first time) and he seemed genuinely happy.  Then after we returned home he said he was not sure about the "marriage thing".  He did not want to get married.  I cried and gave him back his ring and told him to give it back to me when he was sure.  I really thought he'd return it to me.  He didn't.  I did not once waver in my decision.  Then I met my true love.  Same values, background, goals for the future.  We got married 12 years ago and have  three beautiful children.  My life is what I have always dreamed it could be.  Then last year I rounded the corner at Wal-mart and ran straight into my old boyfriend.  We hugged and had a little chat.  I told him I was married 11 years and had 3 children blah...blah and Him?  Well, he was still wearing the same designer shirt he wore 15 years ago.  He had no children and had never married.  His hair was even the same.  He was exactly the same!!!I always thought I;d feel so happy to see him if he had a crappy life.  He had hurt me a lot.  It just made me sad.  I felt sorry he didn't have all the blessings I did.  But he had what he wanted.  That was the life he chose for himself.  It was the best decision I ever made-walking away from him.  LISTEN GIRLS: IF HE SAYS HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED, HE PROBABLY DOESN'T-EVER.  I feel like a dodged a bullet 15 years ago.  And in doing so...met the man of my dreams.  
Don't let anyone steal your dreams away...dig in.  Hold your ground.  Whatever happens is supposed to happen.  Have confidence in yourself.  Just have a little faith.   
Thanks for your advice.  I'm in a mess right now...I don't know what to do...I want to believe him so badly, but I know it's not smart to do so.  Anyway, you helped me a lot.  God Bless!
 
October 6, 2006, 2:11 pm CDT

Is it long enough or not??

Quote From: sandy0914

This man does have values in which you are not seeing.  He had made a promise to his sons that he will not ask them to live with someone else or relocate and you are upset that he is not breaking that promise.  His sons have to be his number one priority right now, they are very impressionable young men who view their father as their role model.  I'm sure the divorce was very rough on them and has made a promise to himself to keep their lives as simple and stress free as possible. 

The problem here is that you are asking him to break this promise to his sons and are trying to change his mind and he won't budge.  You both seem to love and admire eachother tremendously which is a beautiful thing.  Why would you want to throw that away?  Now I realize that you have loved him for 16 years but he only got divorced a year ago.   I could see your point in a way if you wanted to get married and have children but I don't think that is the case.  You want what you want and he is happy with the way things are in your relationship right now. 

I'd suggest you give him time, what is the rush.  Let him get the kids off to college and then see what happens.  You should not have to push anybody into a marriage, he will marry you when he is ready.  I actually see him as a very noble and moral man who loves you but is doing right by keeping a promise he made to his boys.

I am not asking him to break that promise I am asking him to re-evaluate the situation and the progress we all have made in the 2+yrs since.   I am bothered by his ex having the access to the house using the excuse of the kids (he bought her a paid off house and she rented that and moved to a condo so that she can keep the access to the house since the apartment that she moved to now is too small for the kids as opposed to the house they live in, so when its time for the kids to be with her she can just come and be at the kid's house) and I do not have any access to his place while he has had full access to my place for almost a decade now.  I think he is using the kids as an excuse as I mentioned the kids are not 4-5-10-12 or 13-14 now the boys are 16 & 21 with girlfriends etc. I think she uses the kids as a remote to control his life and he uses the kids as a shield to avoid moving on........ He had a big party for me and then the next morning tells me that his kid's mother asked him to tell me HB etc. etc. not sure why?  To me it sounded like he was telling me that he had her permission & blessing to have the party for me.  It did not feel good at all...... Its like somewhere Dr. Phil said the kids are connected to us not the other way around... we should not let the kids decide or dictate our lives....... even if we are to wait I would want him to make it our decision together and our wait not that he does not want to get married or feel the need to but other wise he says and that he is committed to me.... not sure what that means.  Its confusing to me!!  I want to be with him and love him dearly but have a gut feeling that his not now will not change but the reason will change only, I am afraid of being 2 yrs older and still facing the same emotional loss.   I want Robin's guidance I think :-)

 
October 6, 2006, 2:18 pm CDT

Aussi & VOSSY

Quote From: jaimie1974

I have great advice for you and your boyfriend- seek pre-marital counseling together. Having a professional step in and guide both of you towards less marriage fear and teach you how to work together as a team is a priceless gift to give yourselves. In pre-marriage therapy, you will both learn what the other is made of, too.

I think the biggest problem with his parents marriage is that they work together, tell him as long as you both did not work together as well, your marriage will be fine.   Assure him with a lot of love and I hope and pray that you will be able to get him to change his mind.   Peace!!

 
October 8, 2006, 7:46 pm CDT

my decision...

Quote From: jaimie1974

You are friends who cuddle on the bed and hang out together..what guy is going to pass that up? He is thinking that he has it great- and he does-  he has this great girl who is in love with him and who is willing to give him the good aspects of a relationship without actually having a serious committed relationship. This isnt fair to you at all, you are shortchanging yourself!
Many people have relationships and then, when they break up, they are able to continue being friends. However, most people are not able to do that because there are just too many emotions involved, and that is totally understandable! My advice to you is to not spend so much time together. Begin to distance yourself from him, because as long as you continue going on the way that you are, your actions that speak louder than words are these: I am here waiting for you whenever you want a relationship, but until you want that, Im still here for whatever needs you want to have met because I hope by meeting your needs you will change your mind and want a relationship with me.

 
Well...it's official...I ended things with my guy.  I just told him that I wasn't going to be able to hang out with him for a while because me and him are wanting different things...I am wanting a relationship, and he says that he just isn't ready for one.  I haven't seen him since all of this happened, but he still calls all the time.  I miss him SO much, but I am not going to give in. When he gets ready for a relationship or whatever, he can come and see me right?  I just hate all of this though because I do love hanging out with him. I keep asking myself, "How long will it take me to get over him? Do I want to get over him? What if I think that I am over him and then I see him face-to-face and I realize that I still am not over him yet?" Those thoughts just linger around in my head all day. And, how am I supposed to get over him if I am constantly thinking about him? Please give me some advice. I could really use it right now.
 
October 9, 2006, 3:04 am CDT

Begin to heal when

Quote From: amber9763

Well...it's official...I ended things with my guy.  I just told him that I wasn't going to be able to hang out with him for a while because me and him are wanting different things...I am wanting a relationship, and he says that he just isn't ready for one.  I haven't seen him since all of this happened, but he still calls all the time.  I miss him SO much, but I am not going to give in. When he gets ready for a relationship or whatever, he can come and see me right?  I just hate all of this though because I do love hanging out with him. I keep asking myself, "How long will it take me to get over him? Do I want to get over him? What if I think that I am over him and then I see him face-to-face and I realize that I still am not over him yet?" Those thoughts just linger around in my head all day. And, how am I supposed to get over him if I am constantly thinking about him? Please give me some advice. I could really use it right now.

You will not get past this until you truly believe that it is over, then you will begin to heal.  If you constantly dwell on the what if's and are waiting for him to change his mind when he is ready and you continue to take his calls then you will not get over him.

Stop all contact with him and tell him not to call you period.  If he has any love for you at all he will allow you to move on and give you the opportunity to mourn this relationship so that one day you will be ready to move on.  You have the ability to stop his calls and not see him face to face.    Time does heal all wounds if you allow it to.  If you are having a tough time, see a therapist.  Do not wait around for him and do not "think" in your mind that one day he will change his mind as this is only allowing you to hang on by a string, giving you false hope which is no good.

You may not be over him yet, this takes time - be patient and avoid all contact with him.  Keep yourself busy so your mind in not always free to roam...

 
October 9, 2006, 5:51 pm CDT

Breakup - perfect relationship

Hello all ... Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I've had a mature relationship with a man my same age, 49 for almost two years.  We had the most perfect relationship I ever imagined.  We were both caring, loving, considerate and most of all ... always both filled with joy in one another's presence.  We shared close family and friend relationships and we were the kind of couple where everyone looked at us, and we were a picture of hope.

 

He left one morning and didn't come home.  Three weeks earlier he'd been traumatized over events and firings at work.

 

He cut me out of his life completely, gives only conflicting answers about what happened, there are not other women.  He has told others he split because he wasn't going to marry me.  We weren't talking about marriage but he had been giving me constant assurance that he wanted our relationship to go on and on.

 

I'm devastated.  I have no understanding of what happened to my life.  We've spoke 4 times in 6 weeks and each time, he tried to be mean, and when I tell him I don't believe what he's saying, he confirms ... he doesn't mean it.

 

He also says he doesn't want to talk about it ... that our relationship was "perfect and beautiful" and that I shouldn't ruin it by trying to talk about what happened.

 

It's so dramatic, I feel like something is terribly wrong like he's dying or something.

 

Any suggestions ???

neaner

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Next | Last