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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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September 30, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

no way

Quote From: momzilla79

A brief summary...20 plus years of marriage, 2 amazing young adult children, no infidelity, good provider, good intimacy...but for years he just hasn't been there to support me.  He left during both labors, watered trees when I begged to talk to him when my parents were ill, wanted to leave for an eye appointment as we were walking from my mom's burial site, and so much more...   We raised our kids to believe that we were virgins when we were married.  When my husband had the sex talk with our son prior to his college departure, he revealed to my (virgin) son that not only were we not virgins, but that we had been with other people.  It stunned our son and has left me with now having to also tell our daughter (older).  He just keeps saying he's sorry and then just hurting me again and again.  He just keeps saying I need to forgive and forget.  Am I wrong or is the repetition a sign of a more significant pattern of lack of concern/love/caring.  I really don't believe I'm the one for him-if I was he'd love and protect me.  Please give me some response. 

NO way  would I put up with having my feelings put aside again and again.  That is what he is doing.  Not everyone knows  how to be supportive but he is down right wrong!  He knows better than to do the things he has done but yet you let him do it, so he will keep doing it.  You need to put your foot down and tell him to listen up, let him know this is it!  He either needs to be more considerate of your feelings and support you and love you the way YOU need and want , or hit the road and hope the door smacks him on the a$$.  He is insensitive and selfish and that is not fair and you will end up resenting him and that is not a marriage that can work.  Good luck!  
 
September 30, 2005, 8:26 am CDT

you opened your eyes

Quote From: amadams

For years, my husband and I, seemed to just live under the same roof.  He is a wonderful father to our 5 children and has changed hundreds of diapers.  I was diagnosed with cancer in March.  I had my last surgery in August.  5 days after my surgery my husband left me.  He said he didn't love me and wanted a divorce.  Instead of dwelling on how horrible it was for him to leave me, I took a long look at my part of our relationship.  People show love in many different ways.  My husband has always been very affectionate.  I am not at all.  In fact, when he would hug me I would just stand there.  Sex was my way of expressing love but due to his feelings of rejection, he started rejecting me in this area.  My husband seemed to always be leaving.  He would go fishing or play drums.  He used to ask me to go but I refused.  I was jealous.  I decided I couldn't change him but I could change myself.  I have learned to be more affectionate.  When my husband is going somewhere I either go or tell him to have a good time.  In return, he stays home more.  Our relationship is stronger than ever.  After all these years, I realized I am completely in love with him.  Women like to use the kids as an excuse but when they are grown and gone what you have left is your husband and we have to build strong relationships with them now so we can grow old together    
Sounds like you are one of the few that opened your eyes before it was too late.  I am glad you did and thrilled your relationship was repaired!  Good luck to you!
 
September 30, 2005, 9:11 am CDT

Now what?

Quote From: latingirl

NO way  would I put up with having my feelings put aside again and again.  That is what he is doing.  Not everyone knows  how to be supportive but he is down right wrong!  He knows better than to do the things he has done but yet you let him do it, so he will keep doing it.  You need to put your foot down and tell him to listen up, let him know this is it!  He either needs to be more considerate of your feelings and support you and love you the way YOU need and want , or hit the road and hope the door smacks him on the a$$.  He is insensitive and selfish and that is not fair and you will end up resenting him and that is not a marriage that can work.  Good luck!  
I have come to a position, even with years of education and wisdom, that his actions are a reflection of his true feelings.  He is emphatic that he loves me and he is merely ignorant of his actions and how they will turn out and affect me until after he has done/said it.  He apologizes and asks for forgiveness.  I just want to walk away from it all and give him a chance to find someone who makes him happy.  He'd said, during the illnesses of my parents and many other crises in my life (2003), that he wasn't as supportive of me because he wanted to have fun too.  I just couldn't give it to him.  I know he wants someone to enjoy life with and he deserves it....it's just not me.  I have given up on my needs and wants and I just feel the best option at this time is to withdraw.  To remove myself from the circumstances and give him a chance to find the woman who will make him happy.  He says this is not what he wants, but I believe his decades long lack of support and actions show me otherwise.  He wants a play wife and I am a work wife.  Thank you for responding.  I am at the end of my rope.
 
September 30, 2005, 9:12 am CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: momzilla79

A brief summary...20 plus years of marriage, 2 amazing young adult children, no infidelity, good provider, good intimacy...but for years he just hasn't been there to support me.  He left during both labors, watered trees when I begged to talk to him when my parents were ill, wanted to leave for an eye appointment as we were walking from my mom's burial site, and so much more...   We raised our kids to believe that we were virgins when we were married.  When my husband had the sex talk with our son prior to his college departure, he revealed to my (virgin) son that not only were we not virgins, but that we had been with other people.  It stunned our son and has left me with now having to also tell our daughter (older).  He just keeps saying he's sorry and then just hurting me again and again.  He just keeps saying I need to forgive and forget.  Am I wrong or is the repetition a sign of a more significant pattern of lack of concern/love/caring.  I really don't believe I'm the one for him-if I was he'd love and protect me.  Please give me some response. 

The first mistake here was the lie that both of you did, marriage has to be about honesty amongst other things, you were leading your children to believe a lie and though I beleiev what he did was right as faras coming clean but he should have communicatedw ith you about it and the two of you face your children together, another good asset to a marriage is communication. I disagree witht hte fact that he left during labor and all that, very inconsiderate and disrespectful and thre should have been some kind of communication on his side, did he tell you why he didn't want to be there during labor and even wanting to leave after the burial of your mother, some people have a hard time dealing with death and some men cannot handle seeing their wives in pain, I know my hubby had a hrd time with that. He even left for a little bit to go help a friend who was right down the road, though he was back and helped me through labor and all, he got a lot of slack from others cause he wasn't by my side during this whole thing, he was not being rude and mean, it was imporant. You say there has been no infidelity, a good provider, good intimacy, have you suggested marriage counseling, evn if he doesn't agree to go, you can still go and get help dealing with your feelings and a solution, it takes two to make a marriage but sometimes it only takes one to get the ball rolling to have a great marriage. Sounds like he has some good qualities, and divorce is only a cop out for alot of people, you have been married for 20 years and all of a sudden he isn't the one for you? Marriage is about love respect and communication and it sounds like you just want an excuse to get out, I understand the hurt that you are feeling but you must realize that NO marriage is perfect and there are always going to be problems, do you think you would be much happier all by your self. I know I have been hurt by my husband in ways and, I have felt unloved and disrespected from him as well and he has felt that way towards me and believe me leaving was in my thoughts, but looking at the good traits that my husband has,the best father under the sun, hard worker, a great friend to all, loves God and goes to church and great intimacy plus more, Now, why in the heck would I want to leave this and tear my home a part over hurt feelings or a disagreement what ever, the key is to communicate and it sounds like that is missing from your marriage. Dr. Phil has great books out there that could help you, a good marriage takes time and work, it takes two, so have you ever looked at what YOU could be doing different, instead of what he should be doing different? Again, I unuderstand where you are coming from, and the hurt that you are feeling, I and I am sure many others have felt the same things, I believe in working 100% in making the marriage last and loving and some one has to start the work and pray and do everything in their power to get hte other partnert involved. It is up to you, to build upon the positive and strive for that good marriage or end it and get out on your own, only you can make that choice. Be honest with your slef and know what you are getting into. Good luck.
 
September 30, 2005, 9:26 am CDT

You're right and there's more...

Quote From: jettav

The first mistake here was the lie that both of you did, marriage has to be about honesty amongst other things, you were leading your children to believe a lie and though I beleiev what he did was right as faras coming clean but he should have communicatedw ith you about it and the two of you face your children together, another good asset to a marriage is communication. I disagree witht hte fact that he left during labor and all that, very inconsiderate and disrespectful and thre should have been some kind of communication on his side, did he tell you why he didn't want to be there during labor and even wanting to leave after the burial of your mother, some people have a hard time dealing with death and some men cannot handle seeing their wives in pain, I know my hubby had a hrd time with that. He even left for a little bit to go help a friend who was right down the road, though he was back and helped me through labor and all, he got a lot of slack from others cause he wasn't by my side during this whole thing, he was not being rude and mean, it was imporant. You say there has been no infidelity, a good provider, good intimacy, have you suggested marriage counseling, evn if he doesn't agree to go, you can still go and get help dealing with your feelings and a solution, it takes two to make a marriage but sometimes it only takes one to get the ball rolling to have a great marriage. Sounds like he has some good qualities, and divorce is only a cop out for alot of people, you have been married for 20 years and all of a sudden he isn't the one for you? Marriage is about love respect and communication and it sounds like you just want an excuse to get out, I understand the hurt that you are feeling but you must realize that NO marriage is perfect and there are always going to be problems, do you think you would be much happier all by your self. I know I have been hurt by my husband in ways and, I have felt unloved and disrespected from him as well and he has felt that way towards me and believe me leaving was in my thoughts, but looking at the good traits that my husband has,the best father under the sun, hard worker, a great friend to all, loves God and goes to church and great intimacy plus more, Now, why in the heck would I want to leave this and tear my home a part over hurt feelings or a disagreement what ever, the key is to communicate and it sounds like that is missing from your marriage. Dr. Phil has great books out there that could help you, a good marriage takes time and work, it takes two, so have you ever looked at what YOU could be doing different, instead of what he should be doing different? Again, I unuderstand where you are coming from, and the hurt that you are feeling, I and I am sure many others have felt the same things, I believe in working 100% in making the marriage last and loving and some one has to start the work and pray and do everything in their power to get hte other partnert involved. It is up to you, to build upon the positive and strive for that good marriage or end it and get out on your own, only you can make that choice. Be honest with your slef and know what you are getting into. Good luck.

Thank you for responding.  My husband is a physician.  He left the first labor after 28 hours of labor when we were both failing.  He went home to shave and shower and eat breakfast.  During the second pregnancy he stayed inside to do paperwork while I uprooted trees in 115 degree heat because he didn't want to get his hands calloused.  He promised he wouldn't be gone during the labor.  He dropped me off at the curb of the hospital when I was dilated to a 5.  He then went to his office to see patients.  I had to send my dad across the street 5 times to get him to come to me.  He finally came after 5 hours when I was dilated to a 9 and my kidneys were failing (I had eclampsia). 

When we found out one of our pregnancies died in utero, he dropped me off at the hospital to have the child removed and then went to see patients.  I sat crying in the hospital bed for 2 hours waiting for him to finish seeing patients and pick me up.  He took me home and then went back to work.  His excuse for all of this was he needed to make an income.  How much more? He is a physician!  I have always been the gardener, housekeeper, everything.  We hire no one.(Actually, we recently hired a gardener).  I've done all the heavy work because he needs soft hands for work.  He then told me one day that he'd see me more feminine and less masculine if I did less heavy work.  When both of my parents were very ill and dying and I was the primary caregiver, I would beg him to talk to me to help me get through it all (I also have very high achieving kids).  He'd be too busy and need to go clean the pool or water the trees.  I once told him to please not water the trees.  He responded that if he didn't water the trees they would die.  I told him that if he didn't stay inside and talk with me I would die.  He put on his shoes and watered the trees.  My dog died in Feb 2003, my dad died at 64 in April 2003, and my I walked in on my mom right before Christmas, age 63, in 2003.  I was devastated.  When we walked to our car from the burial site, we were getting into the van to drive to our home where all the family and friends were coming to a post-funeral gathering.  It was his intent to leave me to go to a contact lens fitting.  This is more of the story.  We've gone to marital counseling.  He wants to see someone else who doesn't know the history.  I think he just will love someone else better.  I just can't believe he loves me.  How could he? 

 
September 30, 2005, 10:01 am CDT

Is it fair?

I just read a response to my message and it hit me- would I be happier by myself?  Probably not.  I would be alone, poor, in a small apartment barely making it, no insurance, nothing (I would take nothing).  But, is it FAIR to stay with him, even though I still love him, even though I feel that he would be happier with someone else?  If after 20 years it appears that I am not the one he wants to protect and support, does it not mean that there is someone else out there for him and he deserves for me to move out of the way to have that happiness?  He professes that he loves me and wants no other, but I just cannot believe it.  I believe, so strongly, that there is someone else out there that he would have love so much more than me.  Someone he would have loved enough to have wanted to be there (as Dr. Laura says) to swim through shark infested waters to bring her lemonade.  I'm just not the one and I shouldn't remain 'in the way' of his happiness just so I'm not unhappy, should I?
 
September 30, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

I can so relate to your story...

Quote From: amadams

For years, my husband and I, seemed to just live under the same roof.  He is a wonderful father to our 5 children and has changed hundreds of diapers.  I was diagnosed with cancer in March.  I had my last surgery in August.  5 days after my surgery my husband left me.  He said he didn't love me and wanted a divorce.  Instead of dwelling on how horrible it was for him to leave me, I took a long look at my part of our relationship.  People show love in many different ways.  My husband has always been very affectionate.  I am not at all.  In fact, when he would hug me I would just stand there.  Sex was my way of expressing love but due to his feelings of rejection, he started rejecting me in this area.  My husband seemed to always be leaving.  He would go fishing or play drums.  He used to ask me to go but I refused.  I was jealous.  I decided I couldn't change him but I could change myself.  I have learned to be more affectionate.  When my husband is going somewhere I either go or tell him to have a good time.  In return, he stays home more.  Our relationship is stronger than ever.  After all these years, I realized I am completely in love with him.  Women like to use the kids as an excuse but when they are grown and gone what you have left is your husband and we have to build strong relationships with them now so we can grow old together    
 My parents were not demonstrative at all. My siblings and I were very rarely hugged, and NEVER told that we were loved. I was also molested as a child by a neighbor. My husband had to teach me how to accept affection. Ever since I got over the anger I felt inside, ( with a lot of help from Dr Phil's books) I enjoy giving and receiving the affection we all need. You're an inspiration. Thanks for posting your experience.
 
September 30, 2005, 10:57 am CDT

So this is the crux of your situation,

Quote From: momzilla79

I just read a response to my message and it hit me- would I be happier by myself?  Probably not.  I would be alone, poor, in a small apartment barely making it, no insurance, nothing (I would take nothing).  But, is it FAIR to stay with him, even though I still love him, even though I feel that he would be happier with someone else?  If after 20 years it appears that I am not the one he wants to protect and support, does it not mean that there is someone else out there for him and he deserves for me to move out of the way to have that happiness?  He professes that he loves me and wants no other, but I just cannot believe it.  I believe, so strongly, that there is someone else out there that he would have love so much more than me.  Someone he would have loved enough to have wanted to be there (as Dr. Laura says) to swim through shark infested waters to bring her lemonade.  I'm just not the one and I shouldn't remain 'in the way' of his happiness just so I'm not unhappy, should I?
 You are unhappy with your marriage because your husband is emotionally unavailable and downright cruelly negligent. But you're talking yourself into staying because of financial considerations. You will settle for his abuse (YES ABUSE!) because it's the devil you know. You are phrasing it to look like you would be leaving him to make way for his happiness. Wow.
I would say you've got a lot of anger that you're stuffing down with a lot of denial and possibly depression. Get thee to a counselor, or at least pick up a copy of Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS before you do anything. His actions are HIS actions. How you teach him to treat you, and how you react to his actions is up to you. You deserve so much more than this. Have you considered that he may be "settling" for you also? The old "cheaper to keep her" route? Don't do anything until you can make a decision from a position of strength, get your head on straight, get out of denial, and take the blinders off.
My very best to you in your efforts, come back and let us know how its going.
 
September 30, 2005, 10:59 am CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: momzilla79

I just read a response to my message and it hit me- would I be happier by myself?  Probably not.  I would be alone, poor, in a small apartment barely making it, no insurance, nothing (I would take nothing).  But, is it FAIR to stay with him, even though I still love him, even though I feel that he would be happier with someone else?  If after 20 years it appears that I am not the one he wants to protect and support, does it not mean that there is someone else out there for him and he deserves for me to move out of the way to have that happiness?  He professes that he loves me and wants no other, but I just cannot believe it.  I believe, so strongly, that there is someone else out there that he would have love so much more than me.  Someone he would have loved enough to have wanted to be there (as Dr. Laura says) to swim through shark infested waters to bring her lemonade.  I'm just not the one and I shouldn't remain 'in the way' of his happiness just so I'm not unhappy, should I?
you are really the only one that can answer these questions and you are the only one who can make the decission of what to do. With me, I have just seen too many people run from their situations and not even attempt to do anything anout it or when their problems seem to big, they decide it isn't worth it. I believe in what Dr. Phil says, that it takes 100% from both sides and that one must earn their way out of a marriage which I think means do everything that you possibly can to make things work and of course that wol depend on how much you want it. Personally I agree that you should go to a counselor who knows absolutely nothing about you, him or your circumstance. I had friends who went to their pastor and all for their problems and unfortunely this pastor took the guts side and when the lady did divorce him, she was made into the bad guy when in all reality, it was him doing the drugs, and cheating, staying out late, she was the one trying to make the marriage work, my point is, some one who doesn't know anything cannot take sides for they would not know the two of you in any way shape or form, My hubby and I went to a marriage counselr a while back and it was to some one that we did not know and it helped to open both of our eyes. This counselor was able to see both sides and was able to point out the positive and the negative concerning the problems and she saw the "real" issue and helped us along. I know what you are saying but you are basically going by your own feelings, you feel that he would be happier with some one else,and you don't believe that he loves you and all and maybe you are right, but really, you just need to know in your heart and whole being that you are making the right decission and know for a fact that you have done everything in your power to make things work and of course again, you are the only one that can decide those things, and remeber marriage takes two and though the blame may lean towards one partner, not one one person is perfect and chances are the other one could change in some areas as well. I feel your pain and I have been there, I understand, I guess with me, I cannot imagine leaving the man that I have committed to and who has such great qualities, Just do what you know is right, don't go neccessarily on feelings cause that could lead to some more issues. Think before you decide and know for a fact that you are doing the right thing. It sounds to me like your husband tries to avoid the negative in life instead of facing them, my husband is like that and my husband's problem is that he is a perfectionist and can't stand things "out of the norm", I know that you are reaching out for help here and I hope I am not upsetting you with what I am saying, I would never purposely do that,especially when it comes to a marriage. I am 100% for marriage and believe in the committment, though it is hard at times especially in a society where divorce is so high and it seems to be the right thing to do. Just believe in yourself and know in your heart that you are making the right decission, whatever you choose to do,will have an affect on your life whether it be a negative or positive affect, who knows! depends on your attitude and all and what is within your heart.
 
September 30, 2005, 11:49 am CDT

So lost on what to do

Quote From: ritehere

 You are unhappy with your marriage because your husband is emotionally unavailable and downright cruelly negligent. But you're talking yourself into staying because of financial considerations. You will settle for his abuse (YES ABUSE!) because it's the devil you know. You are phrasing it to look like you would be leaving him to make way for his happiness. Wow.
I would say you've got a lot of anger that you're stuffing down with a lot of denial and possibly depression. Get thee to a counselor, or at least pick up a copy of Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS before you do anything. His actions are HIS actions. How you teach him to treat you, and how you react to his actions is up to you. You deserve so much more than this. Have you considered that he may be "settling" for you also? The old "cheaper to keep her" route? Don't do anything until you can make a decision from a position of strength, get your head on straight, get out of denial, and take the blinders off.
My very best to you in your efforts, come back and let us know how its going.

Thank you to all who have responded and I ask that all please read all of my entries.  You may be right; I may have repressed anger.  I had always thought of myself as just having now come to a point that I have realized that for all the discussion in trying to make him understand what he has done/not done that he always understands after the fact.  The problem is he just keeps doing it.  My impressioin is that if you really love someone you stop doing it once you become aware of your errors.  My concern, now that both of our children are off to college, is it fair to make him stay with me if his actions thus far indicate (to me) that maybe I'm not the one?  We deeply care for each other, but maybe the reality is that I'm truly not 'the one'.  I would stay by his bedside, wipe his brow, encourage his steps, and be his best friend until his last breath.  If I needed surgery, I would need to find a ride to the hospital.  The counselor we chose knew neither of us when we began.  After many sessions, the counseling seemed to reflect that he had made errors and continued to do so and needed to make changes.  This is why he wants a new counselor who does not know the history.  He wants a clean slate.  I am slathered with praise by our children, friends, community, and even him.  But the love and protection and nurture and partnership part seems to elude him.  He's a great man, maybe he was just never meant to be mine. 

 
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