Message Boards

Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 1, 2005, 3:06 pm CDT

What is it you want?

Quote From: momzilla79

Thank you to all who have responded and I ask that all please read all of my entries.  You may be right; I may have repressed anger.  I had always thought of myself as just having now come to a point that I have realized that for all the discussion in trying to make him understand what he has done/not done that he always understands after the fact.  The problem is he just keeps doing it.  My impressioin is that if you really love someone you stop doing it once you become aware of your errors.  My concern, now that both of our children are off to college, is it fair to make him stay with me if his actions thus far indicate (to me) that maybe I'm not the one?  We deeply care for each other, but maybe the reality is that I'm truly not 'the one'.  I would stay by his bedside, wipe his brow, encourage his steps, and be his best friend until his last breath.  If I needed surgery, I would need to find a ride to the hospital.  The counselor we chose knew neither of us when we began.  After many sessions, the counseling seemed to reflect that he had made errors and continued to do so and needed to make changes.  This is why he wants a new counselor who does not know the history.  He wants a clean slate.  I am slathered with praise by our children, friends, community, and even him.  But the love and protection and nurture and partnership part seems to elude him.  He's a great man, maybe he was just never meant to be mine. 

I have read all of your posts. There are numerous accounts of your husband being very selfish and unavailable. In fact, some hurt you so bad that you mentioned them twice. But yet you go on to say that you would "be his friend until his last breath." Maybe instead of asking the question, "Would he be happier with someone else, am I not the one for him?" you should be asking yourself if HE'S not the one for you. There is a world of hurt and anger in your posts, yet you profess that he's a great man, just not meant to be yours.
What is it YOU want? It sounds like you are trying to get him to make the first move, but he won't. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior, and in the past you have put up with his behavior. I doubt anything will change here until you instigate it. That's why you need to approach this from a position of strength FOR YOU.
 
October 1, 2005, 3:38 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: momzilla79

Thank you to all who have responded and I ask that all please read all of my entries.  You may be right; I may have repressed anger.  I had always thought of myself as just having now come to a point that I have realized that for all the discussion in trying to make him understand what he has done/not done that he always understands after the fact.  The problem is he just keeps doing it.  My impressioin is that if you really love someone you stop doing it once you become aware of your errors.  My concern, now that both of our children are off to college, is it fair to make him stay with me if his actions thus far indicate (to me) that maybe I'm not the one?  We deeply care for each other, but maybe the reality is that I'm truly not 'the one'.  I would stay by his bedside, wipe his brow, encourage his steps, and be his best friend until his last breath.  If I needed surgery, I would need to find a ride to the hospital.  The counselor we chose knew neither of us when we began.  After many sessions, the counseling seemed to reflect that he had made errors and continued to do so and needed to make changes.  This is why he wants a new counselor who does not know the history.  He wants a clean slate.  I am slathered with praise by our children, friends, community, and even him.  But the love and protection and nurture and partnership part seems to elude him.  He's a great man, maybe he was just never meant to be mine. 

Is it fair to MAKE him stay with you? He is a big boy, maybe you should let him make that decission. Honestly, I am getting the impression that you are asking for permission to leave this guy that you are so willing to be his best friend and stay by his bedside, whatever. Remember, you cannot change any one but your self, Do whatever it is that you feel to do and work on you and let him decide what he needs to do for himself. Also sounds like you are very insecure in your marriage, and by what I have read, I do understand but what you must figure out is, is your marriage worth fighting for or do you just need to leave? YOU and only YOU can decide that. And as you said, he is a great man so maybe it is YOU that was not meant for HIM. (I think some one else said this or something close to it). What I am trying to say is, if you want to leave then leave, and you can only work on you not on him, that is something he has to decide on. I see that your marriage is a bit disfunctional as many, proabaly all really, but I know several women who love to have the praise and the great man that you have. No, he isn't perfect and may have some issues but we are all in the same boat. And why not start with a clean slate? My husabnd and I did and here we are happily married for 12 in a half years, so ask your self, is your marriage worth saving or not? You don't have to get justification from others, just do what is in your heart to do for you are the only one that can make that decission.
 
October 1, 2005, 6:15 pm CDT

Actually meant to say

Quote From: jettav

Is it fair to MAKE him stay with you? He is a big boy, maybe you should let him make that decission. Honestly, I am getting the impression that you are asking for permission to leave this guy that you are so willing to be his best friend and stay by his bedside, whatever. Remember, you cannot change any one but your self, Do whatever it is that you feel to do and work on you and let him decide what he needs to do for himself. Also sounds like you are very insecure in your marriage, and by what I have read, I do understand but what you must figure out is, is your marriage worth fighting for or do you just need to leave? YOU and only YOU can decide that. And as you said, he is a great man so maybe it is YOU that was not meant for HIM. (I think some one else said this or something close to it). What I am trying to say is, if you want to leave then leave, and you can only work on you not on him, that is something he has to decide on. I see that your marriage is a bit disfunctional as many, proabaly all really, but I know several women who love to have the praise and the great man that you have. No, he isn't perfect and may have some issues but we are all in the same boat. And why not start with a clean slate? My husabnd and I did and here we are happily married for 12 in a half years, so ask your self, is your marriage worth saving or not? You don't have to get justification from others, just do what is in your heart to do for you are the only one that can make that decission.
maybe HE is not meant for YOU. Maybe he needs to find some one that will accept his flaws and faults and it does seem that you DO care for each other and all but it seems that the only way you will stay is under "conditions" and if he fails then you want to leave. I agree that he must step up to the plate and take care of issues but again, only he can decide to do that, so once again, I will end here and ask you "is your marriage worth saving or not"? if not then get out and so you can deal with you so he can get on with his life and deal with him, In my opinion, If there is anything good in a marriage and the two care for one another then chances are the marriage is worth saving but certainly takes a whole lot of work and committment and probably will take one to make the most effort but with faith and determination and the will to fight can help the other come around, I have seen it, just remember, if you decide to leave, chances are you probably won't be able to come back and then it may be on your conscience, "Did I do everything in my power to save and to understand everything within my marriage?" in other words, Know without a doubt that you have earned your way out. Just trying to get you to think before you make the final decission, it will either make or break you and a lot of times it right down comes to "attitude".
 
October 3, 2005, 5:08 pm CDT

Not sure what to say

Much of what has been stated makes sense to me and yet there is much that eludes me.  I feel that I am living in a world that I don't belong, in a home that isn't mine.  I believe I am spiraling downward and professional help is my only option left.  I attempted to reach out to my husband this weekend and he said I just need to think positively.  Thank you for everyone's comments.
 
October 4, 2005, 8:39 am CDT

Band aid...

Quote From: momzilla79

Much of what has been stated makes sense to me and yet there is much that eludes me.  I feel that I am living in a world that I don't belong, in a home that isn't mine.  I believe I am spiraling downward and professional help is my only option left.  I attempted to reach out to my husband this weekend and he said I just need to think positively.  Thank you for everyone's comments.
 Thinking positively is a great thing if you have rooted out the reasons you feel you are "living in a world that you don't belong" and "in a home that isn't yours." If you don't understand why you've made the decisions you have in your life, and how you got where you are, you will continue to make the same mistakes and feel the same way. Thinking positively then becomes a band-aid on your wounded psyche, and your sub conscience takes it for the lie it is.
Find a counselor who specializes in cognitive therapy, or get Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS. Commit to reading it and doing the exercises so that you can get to know the real you, and start making decisions from a better vantage point.
 
October 4, 2005, 10:13 am CDT

I need help

I don't know what to do anymore, my boyfriend of 7 years says he isn't in love with me anymore! He still loves me a great deal and our sexlife is going very good but........ he's not in love with me anymore. He fell in love with another girl but hasnt spoken to her since we decided to try and work it out. He even cried when I told him I couldnt be friends with him if we broke up! I just dont know what to do anymore or what to say! I pictured us getting married! He thought that also before he left for a 6 month internship abroad and when he came back it just wasnt the same!  

this is a cry for help, how do i find out if we can make it and how do i deal with this?????? 

  

Does anybody have any advice?? 

  

Eva from Holland 

 
October 4, 2005, 3:16 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: evalucia

I don't know what to do anymore, my boyfriend of 7 years says he isn't in love with me anymore! He still loves me a great deal and our sexlife is going very good but........ he's not in love with me anymore. He fell in love with another girl but hasnt spoken to her since we decided to try and work it out. He even cried when I told him I couldnt be friends with him if we broke up! I just dont know what to do anymore or what to say! I pictured us getting married! He thought that also before he left for a 6 month internship abroad and when he came back it just wasnt the same!  

this is a cry for help, how do i find out if we can make it and how do i deal with this?????? 

  

Does anybody have any advice?? 

  

Eva from Holland 

I sure the heck would not be having sex with this guy and that for me would have been the first thing I would have stopped. Sex should be done out of love and respect for the other and I for one would not be having sex with some one that wasn't in love with me but another. Remember we teach people how to treat us. I would suggest a seperation to help you both think and sort things out for your self, before my husband and I married, we were seeing each other every day, even though we were not living together. At one point in our relationship, he wasn't too sure what he wanted or if he even wanted to get marriaed and of course by this time, I had already fallin in love with him and was thinking towards marriage and I looked at him and said, "I do not want to see you any more until you figure out what it is that you are looking for in life", it certainly wasn't easy but I wasn't about to be with a man who didn't love me, thankfully we were not having sex as we both have very strong beliefs that sex should come after your married. Any way, it worked out for us but I was prepared for the worse and to this day, I am proud that I stood up for myself and did not allow this guy to use me as a crutch, even though it was not his intention to do this, that is what I felt like he was doing and that feeling did not set well with me. better to find out before you make a committment to marry this guy then to find out afterwards. Respect your self and and don't settle for less then what you are worth.
 
October 4, 2005, 6:04 pm CDT

I was you ...

Quote From: evalucia

I don't know what to do anymore, my boyfriend of 7 years says he isn't in love with me anymore! He still loves me a great deal and our sexlife is going very good but........ he's not in love with me anymore. He fell in love with another girl but hasnt spoken to her since we decided to try and work it out. He even cried when I told him I couldnt be friends with him if we broke up! I just dont know what to do anymore or what to say! I pictured us getting married! He thought that also before he left for a 6 month internship abroad and when he came back it just wasnt the same!  

this is a cry for help, how do i find out if we can make it and how do i deal with this?????? 

  

Does anybody have any advice?? 

  

Eva from Holland 

Several years ago, I was in your shoes.  I was totally in love with my boyfriend.  He went away for a few weeks on vacation, came back and told me he had found someone else and was no longer in love with me.  Now, he wasn't seeing this other girl (I have no idea if he ever saw her again), but he wasn't in love with me.  Still, he wanted his "benefits".   

  

It is so hard to say no and push them away when you are so much in love ... but you HAVE to.  It is the best thing you will ever do in yur life.  Right now, you think you can work things out.  You think you can make him love you.  But it isn't that easy.  If he is so inconsiderate of your feeling that he would tell you he isn't in love with you, then try to sleep with you, he doesn't deserve you.  You deserve much better.  

  

I urge you to move on with you life ... without him.  It will be hard, but there is someone much better for you out there.  You will find them and you will be happy.   

 
October 4, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

emotionally absent husband

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and during that time he has not shown much of himself emotionally or been open to my emotional needs. We are at a major crossroad in our lives and I am seeking insite. Last week we had an argument that ended with him trying to grab my arm but missed and got my clothes. When he works a lot of hours like now he seems to really be angry. I would like this relationship to get better or end and I have told him that but so far he has done the usual avoidance and delay. How far should I push him and when should I just give up.  

greenthum 

 
October 4, 2005, 10:47 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: kittencat

Several years ago, I was in your shoes.  I was totally in love with my boyfriend.  He went away for a few weeks on vacation, came back and told me he had found someone else and was no longer in love with me.  Now, he wasn't seeing this other girl (I have no idea if he ever saw her again), but he wasn't in love with me.  Still, he wanted his "benefits".   

  

It is so hard to say no and push them away when you are so much in love ... but you HAVE to.  It is the best thing you will ever do in yur life.  Right now, you think you can work things out.  You think you can make him love you.  But it isn't that easy.  If he is so inconsiderate of your feeling that he would tell you he isn't in love with you, then try to sleep with you, he doesn't deserve you.  You deserve much better.  

  

I urge you to move on with you life ... without him.  It will be hard, but there is someone much better for you out there.  You will find them and you will be happy.   

If you don't have a solid foundation, you can't build on sand. You have got to see things realistic (as they really are). No amount of wishing will make it come true if your not both working hard on your relationship. Please move on while you can!
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | Next | Last