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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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October 7, 2005, 1:04 pm CDT

Relationship Rescue Book

Hi,  

  I just registered here, and it's my first post, so I hope I came to the right board for this. I didn't know where else to go.  

  I am currently doing the Relationship Rescue book at the request of my wife, who has not done it yet herself. I am on page 176 and have actively kept a written journal the whole time, following Dr. Phil's advice of write freely, this is for your eyes only. So, I've taken great pains to guard it from prying eyes. Now, after writing freely and privately, he is guiding the "student" to share the journal! I feel like he took a 180 dgree turn in the book. I don't think I can do that, or should. I was under the impression while writing, that it was private, so I unloaded stuff I don't think is right to share with her.  

  What do I do? I'm panicking here. She's hounding me to finish the book. Any suggestions?    

 
October 8, 2005, 9:43 pm CDT

blueonblue

Quote From: blueonblue

I tried to post on this board and it ended up in the Divorce section somehow...  So here goes - again!  Relationship Myth:  Good marriages last... Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  I thought he was a better person than that.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 
ok blueonblue i feel u should move on with your life u seem to be a very caring women that will find someone who will respect and love u . so let go of the 28 years and start new because like the saying goes LIFE IS TO SHORT TO PUT THINGS ON HOLD.
 
October 9, 2005, 10:25 am CDT

I'm doing the book too.... need support

Quote From: axle46

Hi,  

  I just registered here, and it's my first post, so I hope I came to the right board for this. I didn't know where else to go.  

  I am currently doing the Relationship Rescue book at the request of my wife, who has not done it yet herself. I am on page 176 and have actively kept a written journal the whole time, following Dr. Phil's advice of write freely, this is for your eyes only. So, I've taken great pains to guard it from prying eyes. Now, after writing freely and privately, he is guiding the "student" to share the journal! I feel like he took a 180 dgree turn in the book. I don't think I can do that, or should. I was under the impression while writing, that it was private, so I unloaded stuff I don't think is right to share with her.  

  What do I do? I'm panicking here. She's hounding me to finish the book. Any suggestions?    

First, Good for you. I am doing the relationship rescue book too. I have the book and 2 work books, tough my husbands has not been opened yet. it does feel lonley to do it alone, bit it has helped me soo much.  

  

Now, I dont know why your wife is having you do the book, but she is not. That seems unfair, point out to her areas of the book that encourage you to do this TOGETHER. Have her read chapter 7 I have that highlighted to remind myself to do it whether he participates or not. Im just confused as to why she asked you to do it, yet she does not have to?  

  

Now onto your question: Dr. Phil does encourage you to share your thoughts and needs, but DONT break out your journal by any means! iT MEANS TO USE THE NEW TOOLS AND APPROACHES YOU HAVE LEARNED TO SHARE THESE IN A SAFE AND NON THREATNING WAY WITH YOUR PARTER.  

  

For example, I have in my journal that I think my husband is a controlling and angry person who belittles me and uses intimidation to try and control me. I have to communicate that to him as follows: "When you use your anger in an argument it causes me to put up my walls, to protect myself, that is not fair to you or I because we wint really be able to get to the root of the conflict" or "I've learned that when you are angry it really is a "front" for another emotion like frustration or fear, and I want to be able to fill that need so please lets try to set aside anger". 

  

Your journal is only for you, it is a guideline, but if you are using the workbook, it guides you though communicating the things you are feeling in a "negotiators" way. 

  

On a final not, I cant get over that she is hounding you to do it, yet she had not. I would ask that you present to her that you feel it would be best for your relationship if you give her the chance to start the book and cvatch up to where you are then proceed together. You will soon come to a part in the book that asks you to sit and do these excersizes together, she cant not fully grasp or participate if she has not done the work herself. (Have her read chapter 8!) 

  

I am at the end of chapter 7 now and trying to catch a few moments here and there to share what I am doing with my husband. I am scared to death about chapter 8 especially because he has not done this with me, and I guess I am afraid that he will think it's stupid.  

  

Good luck and let me know what happens!  ~ Christy 

 
October 9, 2005, 10:37 am CDT

There is a way...

Quote From: newfiegirl

Oh my, I am so frustrated. I am 36 years old and have been married 8 yrs. We have been thru so much in the last 4 years. I had an affair and lived with another guy.  But the last year and half , Ive been back with my husband. I think I mostly came back to him because of the life we used to have and our home. I never have any loving feelings about him. He is just so mean to everyone. He has told me he is jealous of out 7 year old son and that I give him too much attention. Can u believe that? He ignores our son, and is very impatient with both of us and his whole family. He hardly ever smiles and says hurtful things to me all the time. We have been together a total of 14 years. I think I want to move on and get away from him, but I have no money and no job. I am so confused and dont know what to do.  I dont know if I can keep living like this and wasting more life away. I want to be happy and I love my son so much. Staying together should help our son, but in this case, it seems to be doing the opposite. This is not something u read about all the time. I wish someone would read this and tell me they are going throught the same thing. 

I was in a terrible place about 4 years ago, I really did not think there was any hope. I am sorry for what you are going though. I did find a way to fovive my husband when he had an affair, but i never forgot. I am certain that has something to do with the difficulties you face now especially if there was no counceling or self help books you read together... 

  

I wonder where your hiusband stands, if he wants the marriage to work. I would definately recommend Dr. Phils book relationship rescue. I am doing it now (we still are not 100%) and it seems to be helping. Good luck! 

 
October 10, 2005, 10:45 am CDT

husband wants to stay married but live alone

Does anyone have any information or advice on this?  My friends husband (really) wants to live alone, stay married, and still be a family..... 

  

They have been married 11 or12 years.   Two kids 8 and 6.   

 Husband thinks it would be better so  they did'nt have to deal with this moods and crackiness. HA!   

  

I know my opion on this..... Stupid, selfish, he is cheating or will, controler, weird, selfish,  weird just not right......blah blah blah.    

  

However, she is confused, and looking for advise and if this arrangement could work or has worked... 

  

If anyone could help that would be great. Thanks 

 
October 10, 2005, 4:53 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: calhabashn

First, Good for you. I am doing the relationship rescue book too. I have the book and 2 work books, tough my husbands has not been opened yet. it does feel lonley to do it alone, bit it has helped me soo much.  

  

Now, I dont know why your wife is having you do the book, but she is not. That seems unfair, point out to her areas of the book that encourage you to do this TOGETHER. Have her read chapter 7 I have that highlighted to remind myself to do it whether he participates or not. Im just confused as to why she asked you to do it, yet she does not have to?  

  

Now onto your question: Dr. Phil does encourage you to share your thoughts and needs, but DONT break out your journal by any means! iT MEANS TO USE THE NEW TOOLS AND APPROACHES YOU HAVE LEARNED TO SHARE THESE IN A SAFE AND NON THREATNING WAY WITH YOUR PARTER.  

  

For example, I have in my journal that I think my husband is a controlling and angry person who belittles me and uses intimidation to try and control me. I have to communicate that to him as follows: "When you use your anger in an argument it causes me to put up my walls, to protect myself, that is not fair to you or I because we wint really be able to get to the root of the conflict" or "I've learned that when you are angry it really is a "front" for another emotion like frustration or fear, and I want to be able to fill that need so please lets try to set aside anger". 

  

Your journal is only for you, it is a guideline, but if you are using the workbook, it guides you though communicating the things you are feeling in a "negotiators" way. 

  

On a final not, I cant get over that she is hounding you to do it, yet she had not. I would ask that you present to her that you feel it would be best for your relationship if you give her the chance to start the book and cvatch up to where you are then proceed together. You will soon come to a part in the book that asks you to sit and do these excersizes together, she cant not fully grasp or participate if she has not done the work herself. (Have her read chapter 8!) 

  

I am at the end of chapter 7 now and trying to catch a few moments here and there to share what I am doing with my husband. I am scared to death about chapter 8 especially because he has not done this with me, and I guess I am afraid that he will think it's stupid.  

  

Good luck and let me know what happens!  Christy 

Hi Christy,  

  Thanks for replying! You're absolutely right. I don't think she should expect me to do this if she's not going to, but, she's agreed to start it in a couple of weeks. (She's attending a pretty demanding training class right now) We'll see if it pans out.  

  She has her reasons though for wanting me to do it. I don't handle arguments very well. I tend to make too much of them, and in turn, get a little panicky. So this book has done me a world of good. I hope that answers your question in a nut shell with out going into too much boring details. 

  I too hope things work out with you and your husband. You're right, anger does hide a lot of other emotions. It just seems to be the path of least resistance to vent. My opinion is that if you care enough to work through this book, there's plenty of hope for your marriage. 

  Good luck to you! It sounds like you're on the right path! 

  And thanks again, It was very nice of you to respond. 

   -Dave  

 
October 10, 2005, 6:50 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: chefbren2

Does anyone have any information or advice on this?  My friends husband (really) wants to live alone, stay married, and still be a family..... 

  

They have been married 11 or12 years.   Two kids 8 and 6.   

 Husband thinks it would be better so  they did'nt have to deal with this moods and crackiness. HA!   

  

I know my opion on this..... Stupid, selfish, he is cheating or will, controler, weird, selfish,  weird just not right......blah blah blah.    

  

However, she is confused, and looking for advise and if this arrangement could work or has worked... 

  

If anyone could help that would be great. Thanks 

Not a good thing. I think that is nothing but a cop out not to work on the problems/issues of the marriage. That is not how a marriage is suppose to work, sounds like he wants to sort of live teh single life but have some one to go to when ever he wants, it would be a big mistake for her to agree with this, it will not work. Definetly sounds like he is selfish and may be a controller, she needs to stand up to him and tell him that either they work on their marriage to gether or there is no marriage. I am a firm believe rin marriage and keeping vows and if they love and respect each other then they will want to work togethr on this, married people are suppose to be as one unit and work together, they are suppose to be a team and it doesn't sound like that is what he wants.
 
October 11, 2005, 7:04 am CDT

just looking for some advice

Although i'm not married, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. Anyway, I do have a question about a myth. The myth that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I don't think this is a myth I think it is a fact. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? I'm asking this because I recently found out that my boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotion abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? Am I even on the right message board? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.
 
October 11, 2005, 9:55 am CDT

Being a wife

I just wanted to leave a message on this board about yesterdays (10/9/05) show "wifestandards". I trully enjoy being a wife. My marriage is healthy and vital. My husband works full time as the bread winner and I stay at home. I believe that women should be a partner to their husband and still understand that he is the head of the household. He should make more money than the wife. And he should respect her, love her and take care of her. Being a housewife is a postion of honor and respect. She is vital to the marriage. I believe that the family should come first and the career second in a woman's life. We as Americans are all screwed up morally becuase woman have been taught to be on a power trip. Women when they ony care about themselves and their own careers get in the way tend to demoralize the family. Also it is not natural for the man to be in submission under the wife. When the man is in charge he is less frustrated and more relaxed. I am a housewife who is honored and cared for by my husband because he loves me. He cherishes me for staying at home. I have a BA and could have a really great job but I choose to stay at home and run our home based business. I own a home based business because I want to help him finacially and yet I can clean house, run errands, and take care of my family. 
 
October 11, 2005, 6:01 pm CDT

interested

Quote From: l_oving

What's happening in your marriage is the same in others.  So don' t be discouraged.  There are ways to make the marriage work, even after 12 years.  First is to realize that men and women were made differently, men are more factual and women are more emotional.  So both sexes communicate differently.  That doesn't mean that the coming together won't work, it will actually become a complement of one another, highlighting one anothers strengths.  But it's not time to give up, you worked so hard to get to where you are now.  It's just time to improve.  No, we should not push someone, especially our husbands to understand our emotional needs.  They tend to keep to themselves and become avoidant.  That doesn't mean that he shouldn't know how you feel.  The communication in a marriage is the most vital thing, yet the most hardest.  Marriage is based on love and respect for one another.  To respect him is to not hound him on your needs, just to mention it when you both are talking together peacefully, and he should show you love by listening to you and by treating you "as the weaker vessel".  There is a wonderful book called "The Secret of Family Happiness", which is free, that will give great insight into your marriage and help mend it to make it more than better.  Please let me know if this is of interest to you. 

The book is certainly worth reading. Things are at a real standstill at this point. I know that I feel taken advantage of and resentful and I think he is standing his ground for whatever reason.
 
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