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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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October 12, 2005, 9:48 am CDT

Counseling...

Quote From: galatea

Although i'm not married, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. Anyway, I do have a question about a myth. The myth that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I don't think this is a myth I think it is a fact. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? I'm asking this because I recently found out that my boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotion abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? Am I even on the right message board? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.
 It's really too bad that your future MIL made you promise not to say that she was the one who told you about the abuse. It would probably help both her and your fiance to get counseling, separately and together.
You are not wrong to want to address this issue before you commit to marriage. I would tell him that it has come to your attention that he witnessed abuse as a child and that you are concerned for the future of your marriage and possible children because of the examples he was shown as a child. Do not make him feel that he is defective, but let him know that you care for him and want to have a happy life together. He may have every intention of not following in his father's footsteps, but life can throw us some nasty curve balls, and it's possible to slip into learned behaviors when we are stressed.

Counseling can help him come to terms with what he saw and the feelings and thinking he took away from the experience. There's no guarantee that he would fall into abusive patterns, but it's better for everyone involved if it's addressed openly now.

Tell your boyfriend's mother that she is a very courageous soul and that she did the right thing by stepping up to tell you about this. I hope she gets help for herself also. She deserves it.
 
October 13, 2005, 12:36 pm CDT

Husband told me to go to hell

During a heated argument yesterday, I told my husband to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He responded with "go to hell." We are Christians, and he has never spoken to me like that. In fact, no one has ever told me that. I'd also never told him to get out. He apologized but added that he wouldn't have said that had I not told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He said what I said was just as bad, if not worse than him telling me to go to hell. I disagree. We had a 3 hour talk about it last night, and I had hoped that he would really seek my forgiveness. I don't want him to grovel, but I believe that if you tell the person you love the most in the world to go to hell, that you should say more than a simple I'm sorry. 

  

He said that I hurt him as well, and I apologized. He was especially angry b/c I walked out of our bedroom while he was talking yesterday a.m. to wake our children up for school. He said I walked out in mid-sentence which really upsets him. I told him that I didn't hear him. I really didn't b/c my mind was focused on getting our children ready, and I didn't want them to be late for school. When he realized that I had gone to wake them up, he came into their room yelling at me and flailing his arms. I've told him time and time again that we shouldn't argue in front of the children, but he continues to do that and also criticizes me in front of them. After we got back to our room, I was so angry w/him that I told him I wanted a divorce. That's when he told me to go to hell. 

  

I am devastated. My heart is broken, and I feel like he has betrayed me, almost as if he had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I know I need to forgive him, but I just wish he showed more remorse.  

  

  

 
October 13, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: ashbymom

During a heated argument yesterday, I told my husband to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He responded with "go to hell." We are Christians, and he has never spoken to me like that. In fact, no one has ever told me that. I'd also never told him to get out. He apologized but added that he wouldn't have said that had I not told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He said what I said was just as bad, if not worse than him telling me to go to hell. I disagree. We had a 3 hour talk about it last night, and I had hoped that he would really seek my forgiveness. I don't want him to grovel, but I believe that if you tell the person you love the most in the world to go to hell, that you should say more than a simple I'm sorry. 

  

He said that I hurt him as well, and I apologized. He was especially angry b/c I walked out of our bedroom while he was talking yesterday a.m. to wake our children up for school. He said I walked out in mid-sentence which really upsets him. I told him that I didn't hear him. I really didn't b/c my mind was focused on getting our children ready, and I didn't want them to be late for school. When he realized that I had gone to wake them up, he came into their room yelling at me and flailing his arms. I've told him time and time again that we shouldn't argue in front of the children, but he continues to do that and also criticizes me in front of them. After we got back to our room, I was so angry w/him that I told him I wanted a divorce. That's when he told me to go to hell. 

  

I am devastated. My heart is broken, and I feel like he has betrayed me, almost as if he had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I know I need to forgive him, but I just wish he showed more remorse.  

  

  

sounds to me like you both have issues and if you want your marriage to work then I would suggest that you seek a good christian counselor and start dealing with the issues in your marriage. i too am a christian and yes, my hubby and I have had our moments, which I believe is normal but we have to realize that marriage is about two people and it takes two to argue and though one may be more dominating then the other, both are still at fault, I think both of you need to own up to your part and each of you need to start by dealing with your self as one cannot change the other but we can change ourselves. sometimes it takes more then an apology to get things moving into the right direction so maybe you should take the first step in suggesting a counselor and even if he doesn't agree to go, you can still go and make an effort in resolving your part of the issues, also I have heard the relationship rescue is a wonderful resource.
 
October 13, 2005, 1:34 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: jettav

sounds to me like you both have issues and if you want your marriage to work then I would suggest that you seek a good christian counselor and start dealing with the issues in your marriage. i too am a christian and yes, my hubby and I have had our moments, which I believe is normal but we have to realize that marriage is about two people and it takes two to argue and though one may be more dominating then the other, both are still at fault, I think both of you need to own up to your part and each of you need to start by dealing with your self as one cannot change the other but we can change ourselves. sometimes it takes more then an apology to get things moving into the right direction so maybe you should take the first step in suggesting a counselor and even if he doesn't agree to go, you can still go and make an effort in resolving your part of the issues, also I have heard the relationship rescue is a wonderful resource.

You're  probably right about the counseling. We've done counseling b/f, but my husband believes that when the counselor is a woman she tends to favor my side of things. We also have in-law issues. The whole thing started when I told my husband that a woman I'd just met asked me if our baby was my grandchild. I was a bit taken aback and said no, she's our daughter. I added  "Do I look that bad?" She replied that lots of people in their 30s are having grandchildren now." When I told him all of that, I expected him to say that of course I don't look old enough to be a grandmother, but instead, he jumped on me for being offended at her remark and for making a snippy response that probably made her feel bad. He then brought my deceased father up b/c my father who was older when I was born had a quick comeback to people who thought I was his grandchild. He said that was mean spirited of my father to do that. My husband never knew my dad, and I resented him bringing him into it. I tried to explain that to him, but he just kept at it. 

  

  

 
October 14, 2005, 11:53 am CDT

Advice?

Quote From: axle46

Hi Christy,  

  Thanks for replying! You're absolutely right. I don't think she should expect me to do this if she's not going to, but, she's agreed to start it in a couple of weeks. (She's attending a pretty demanding training class right now) We'll see if it pans out.  

  She has her reasons though for wanting me to do it. I don't handle arguments very well. I tend to make too much of them, and in turn, get a little panicky. So this book has done me a world of good. I hope that answers your question in a nut shell with out going into too much boring details. 

  I too hope things work out with you and your husband. You're right, anger does hide a lot of other emotions. It just seems to be the path of least resistance to vent. My opinion is that if you care enough to work through this book, there's plenty of hope for your marriage. 

  Good luck to you! It sounds like you're on the right path! 

  And thanks again, It was very nice of you to respond. 

   -Dave  

 I am to the point in the book where we are to actually sit down and commit to the 14 days of honesty. I am not sure what to do. He has not done anything yet, though I have shared with him the Myths, the bad spirtis..etc. as the book told me to do. How  can I move forward and do thei 14-day thing when he is not really an "enthusiastic" participant, and even if he does, I did the work, he didnt, and I can just so see it being a bad situation.
Do you think I should wait until if/when he decides to keep his commitment to me (he promised 15 minutes a day on the book about a month ago.) and wait until he does the work and then move forward on the same page?
I feel like giving up. Any thoughts Davde? Anyone else doing the book??
Thanks...Christy
 
October 14, 2005, 2:18 pm CDT

He said, she said...

Quote From: ashbymom

During a heated argument yesterday, I told my husband to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He responded with "go to hell." We are Christians, and he has never spoken to me like that. In fact, no one has ever told me that. I'd also never told him to get out. He apologized but added that he wouldn't have said that had I not told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He said what I said was just as bad, if not worse than him telling me to go to hell. I disagree. We had a 3 hour talk about it last night, and I had hoped that he would really seek my forgiveness. I don't want him to grovel, but I believe that if you tell the person you love the most in the world to go to hell, that you should say more than a simple I'm sorry. 

  

He said that I hurt him as well, and I apologized. He was especially angry b/c I walked out of our bedroom while he was talking yesterday a.m. to wake our children up for school. He said I walked out in mid-sentence which really upsets him. I told him that I didn't hear him. I really didn't b/c my mind was focused on getting our children ready, and I didn't want them to be late for school. When he realized that I had gone to wake them up, he came into their room yelling at me and flailing his arms. I've told him time and time again that we shouldn't argue in front of the children, but he continues to do that and also criticizes me in front of them. After we got back to our room, I was so angry w/him that I told him I wanted a divorce. That's when he told me to go to hell. 

  

I am devastated. My heart is broken, and I feel like he has betrayed me, almost as if he had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I know I need to forgive him, but I just wish he showed more remorse.  

  

  

You irritated him by walking away while he was talking/arguing with you, so he did something to irritate you which was arguing in front of the kids. So you told him "get out and I want a divorce" and he said "go to hell." So now you are upset about the use of blasphemy in an argument. He's upset about you're threat of divorce and attitude.

Wouldn't you agree that this is a good way to avoid whatever it was you were arguing about in the first place? Maybe you did have to get the kids up, but walking away without saying something like "let's discuss this later, right now I have to get the kids up" is avoidance, and using the kids to avoid the issue. Next, it was poor judgment  that your husband chose to continue the argument in front of the kids, but what do you think they heard the loudest? His yelling and arm flailing or your request for a divorce? You were as much at fault as your husband if the children are suffering for this little incident.

Next, isn't the REAL issue whatever it was you two were arguing about to begin with? What was it that got you both so riled up that you broke your own rules of behavior? You don't have to answer any of these questions here on the board as it's nobody's business but yours. The questions are only to get you to think about what you are doing.
 
October 14, 2005, 5:06 pm CDT

RE: Relationship Rescue Book

Quote From: l_oving

Is this book free?  I am interested in in.  How can I receive one?  Thanks.
The Relationship Rescue book can be purchased on the Dr. Phil site here by simply clicking on the STORE button at the top of your screen. This will take you to www.drphilstore.com were you can select both the book and the workbook that goes with it.
 
October 14, 2005, 5:44 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: ashbymom

You're  probably right about the counseling. We've done counseling b/f, but my husband believes that when the counselor is a woman she tends to favor my side of things. We also have in-law issues. The whole thing started when I told my husband that a woman I'd just met asked me if our baby was my grandchild. I was a bit taken aback and said no, she's our daughter. I added  "Do I look that bad?" She replied that lots of people in their 30s are having grandchildren now." When I told him all of that, I expected him to say that of course I don't look old enough to be a grandmother, but instead, he jumped on me for being offended at her remark and for making a snippy response that probably made her feel bad. He then brought my deceased father up b/c my father who was older when I was born had a quick comeback to people who thought I was his grandchild. He said that was mean spirited of my father to do that. My husband never knew my dad, and I resented him bringing him into it. I tried to explain that to him, but he just kept at it. 

  

  

If you don't want to argue, then don't. I have found that sometimes it is just plain easier to walk away from an arguement, instead of joining in an arguement, why not just walk away from it. It takes two to argue. I think you just need to go to counseling or what ever and start dealing with you, you can't change him but you can change you and that could be the beginnng of a new beginning.
 
October 14, 2005, 9:57 pm CDT

THE DOUBLE EDGE SWORD

I WROTE TO FOLLOWING TO MY HUSBAND AND WONDER HOW MANY 

WOMEN AGREE, AND IF SO HOW HAVE YOU FACED THE FEAR ? 

  

I am trying so hard to figure out how to make you feel more loved ,respected, appreciated. I have this great fear though that once me telling you all these things you would one day get a big head or some how figure if your this good, maybe your better off without me. I sometimes wonder if this is why women do not tell their husbands how they really feel. Because to point out to a man all his good qualities would be to point out all her bad qualities. I know men who eventually do get a big head and say well if I am that good then maybe I am to good for her and need to find something better . Then on the other hand men who do not get told these things they feel inadequet and go look else where to prove that they are loved,respected, and appreciated. So it is a double edged sword .
 
October 16, 2005, 1:56 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: l_oving

I haven't heard from you so I was wondering if you still wanted the free "Family" book.  E-mail me at hasina15@yahoo.ca to give me your address as to where to send it to you for free.  Thanks.
maybe consider reading the book I just completed, For Women Only by shaunti, I cant say I agree with the book be it does have alot of useful info.
 
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