Topic : Relationship Myths

Quote From: galatea

Although i'm not married, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. Anyway, I do have a question about a myth. The myth that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I don't think this is a myth I think it is a fact. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? I'm asking this because I recently found out that my boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotion abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? Am I even on the right message board? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.

Quote From: ashbymom

During a heated argument yesterday, I told my husband to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He responded with "go to hell." We are Christians, and he has never spoken to me like that. In fact, no one has ever told me that. I'd also never told him to get out. He apologized but added that he wouldn't have said that had I not told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He said what I said was just as bad, if not worse than him telling me to go to hell. I disagree. We had a 3 hour talk about it last night, and I had hoped that he would really seek my forgiveness. I don't want him to grovel, but I believe that if you tell the person you love the most in the world to go to hell, that you should say more than a simple I'm sorry. 

  

He said that I hurt him as well, and I apologized. He was especially angry b/c I walked out of our bedroom while he was talking yesterday a.m. to wake our children up for school. He said I walked out in mid-sentence which really upsets him. I told him that I didn't hear him. I really didn't b/c my mind was focused on getting our children ready, and I didn't want them to be late for school. When he realized that I had gone to wake them up, he came into their room yelling at me and flailing his arms. I've told him time and time again that we shouldn't argue in front of the children, but he continues to do that and also criticizes me in front of them. After we got back to our room, I was so angry w/him that I told him I wanted a divorce. That's when he told me to go to hell. 

  

I am devastated. My heart is broken, and I feel like he has betrayed me, almost as if he had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I know I need to forgive him, but I just wish he showed more remorse.  

  

  

Quote From: jettav

sounds to me like you both have issues and if you want your marriage to work then I would suggest that you seek a good christian counselor and start dealing with the issues in your marriage. i too am a christian and yes, my hubby and I have had our moments, which I believe is normal but we have to realize that marriage is about two people and it takes two to argue and though one may be more dominating then the other, both are still at fault, I think both of you need to own up to your part and each of you need to start by dealing with your self as one cannot change the other but we can change ourselves. sometimes it takes more then an apology to get things moving into the right direction so maybe you should take the first step in suggesting a counselor and even if he doesn't agree to go, you can still go and make an effort in resolving your part of the issues, also I have heard the relationship rescue is a wonderful resource.

Quote From: axle46

Hi Christy,  

  Thanks for replying! You're absolutely right. I don't think she should expect me to do this if she's not going to, but, she's agreed to start it in a couple of weeks. (She's attending a pretty demanding training class right now) We'll see if it pans out.  

  She has her reasons though for wanting me to do it. I don't handle arguments very well. I tend to make too much of them, and in turn, get a little panicky. So this book has done me a world of good. I hope that answers your question in a nut shell with out going into too much boring details. 

  I too hope things work out with you and your husband. You're right, anger does hide a lot of other emotions. It just seems to be the path of least resistance to vent. My opinion is that if you care enough to work through this book, there's plenty of hope for your marriage. 

  Good luck to you! It sounds like you're on the right path! 

  And thanks again, It was very nice of you to respond. 

   -Dave  

Quote From: ashbymom

During a heated argument yesterday, I told my husband to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He responded with "go to hell." We are Christians, and he has never spoken to me like that. In fact, no one has ever told me that. I'd also never told him to get out. He apologized but added that he wouldn't have said that had I not told him to get out and that I wanted a divorce. He said what I said was just as bad, if not worse than him telling me to go to hell. I disagree. We had a 3 hour talk about it last night, and I had hoped that he would really seek my forgiveness. I don't want him to grovel, but I believe that if you tell the person you love the most in the world to go to hell, that you should say more than a simple I'm sorry. 

  

He said that I hurt him as well, and I apologized. He was especially angry b/c I walked out of our bedroom while he was talking yesterday a.m. to wake our children up for school. He said I walked out in mid-sentence which really upsets him. I told him that I didn't hear him. I really didn't b/c my mind was focused on getting our children ready, and I didn't want them to be late for school. When he realized that I had gone to wake them up, he came into their room yelling at me and flailing his arms. I've told him time and time again that we shouldn't argue in front of the children, but he continues to do that and also criticizes me in front of them. After we got back to our room, I was so angry w/him that I told him I wanted a divorce. That's when he told me to go to hell. 

  

I am devastated. My heart is broken, and I feel like he has betrayed me, almost as if he had cheated on me. I don't know what to do. I know I need to forgive him, but I just wish he showed more remorse.  

  

  

Quote From: l_oving

Is this book free?  I am interested in in.  How can I receive one?  Thanks.

Quote From: ashbymom

You're  probably right about the counseling. We've done counseling b/f, but my husband believes that when the counselor is a woman she tends to favor my side of things. We also have in-law issues. The whole thing started when I told my husband that a woman I'd just met asked me if our baby was my grandchild. I was a bit taken aback and said no, she's our daughter. I added  "Do I look that bad?" She replied that lots of people in their 30s are having grandchildren now." When I told him all of that, I expected him to say that of course I don't look old enough to be a grandmother, but instead, he jumped on me for being offended at her remark and for making a snippy response that probably made her feel bad. He then brought my deceased father up b/c my father who was older when I was born had a quick comeback to people who thought I was his grandchild. He said that was mean spirited of my father to do that. My husband never knew my dad, and I resented him bringing him into it. I tried to explain that to him, but he just kept at it. 

  

  

Quote From: l_oving

I haven't heard from you so I was wondering if you still wanted the free "Family" book.  E-mail me at hasina15@yahoo.ca to give me your address as to where to send it to you for free.  Thanks.