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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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January 13, 2008, 9:43 pm CST

Mid Life Crisis

Hello, looking for info on male mid life crisis.
My husband is in the middle of one at 39. Would love for Dr. Phil to do a show on this. I have been reading a lot one book in particular Jim Conway's His Midlife Crisis. I am looking for more info on this and how to cope with this as the wife of 10 years and little children. I am worried he will not transition through this and I will become lost in the process. It is a very isolated lonely place I am in right now and he is too and does not understand why he is not excited to be here with me and children. Very frustrating and I need to have some information on this asap.

Looking for answers and solutions to this.
 
January 16, 2008, 6:16 pm CST

totally true

Quote From: momspring

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting he r time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying
F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Dear momspring,

You've hit the nail on the head!!

I love it!

Thanks for the break down!!

 
January 16, 2008, 6:38 pm CST

get help

Quote From: julez808

I'm 23 yrs. old and I have been with my husband for about 2 years. We decided to get married after dating each other for only 6 months. We just had a baby about 4 months ago and I have a 6 yr. old son from a previous relationship.


A few weeks ago I began to notice that my husband had been distancing himself from me. I would approach him to see if something is bothering him, but all he would say is, "i'm fine.". One day I woke up to find a note on the kitchen table, on there he wrote, "I need some time to think about some things." I didn't know what to think? He's never ever like this. He was the type of person who if something was bothering him, he would express it to me.

So anyway, fast-forward to now, he finally confessed that he is no longer IN love with me. I felf my heart sink straight to my stomach. I mean, this was the guy that continously told me that he loved me, bought me flowers every month..just because, he's the guy that vowed to love me, cherish me thru good times and bad. I didn't know how to take it. How do you prepare yourself for this kind of thing? I asked him why is it that he no longer is in love with me...he repiles, " I don't know?...i just don't feel the same way as i did before." He says there's no one else. He's not interested in any body. He doesn't know if he wants to save our marriage.  I feel so lost and confused now. I don't know what I should do. I want to get counseling but i don't want to force it on him. I need advice!

Look sweetie your young and can't be wondering why? Ask him if he would like to seek out counseling,because you love him and that you would like to help him through this tough time in his life.  And you would like to work with him to solve this problem any way that you can help. if he declines seek it for your self and let him see that your strong and want to work this out. How old is he? if he's the same age as you than maybe he is confused about what he really wants out of life. Sometimes young men just doesn't know what they want, they think that being married and having kids is all fun and games until reality hits them where it hurts. And the responsibility of having this life scares them. That's when they say they need time and space.

When I was 16 years old I got pregnant to my son and 2 1/2 years later I had another child with the same guy, we planned to get married when I turned 18 but I never married him because I found out that he only thought of himself and then 4 months after my daughter was born he needed space. He was planning of moving back into his parents house, but still wanted to see me. I told him NO, if you move out you take everything with you and go find yourself without me. I was not going to let him come and go when he felt like it.  And I put my life on hold to wait for him. B.S. He had responsibilities and needed to take care of it. If he couldn't handle it then leave everything behind. It was hard at first but I got over it. I got counceling for myself and got through it myself. My kids are now 19yrs and 17yr old and they are great kids I love them and they stay out of trouble. 

 
January 16, 2008, 7:05 pm CST

he's confused

Quote From: mndlewis1

Well my life is in chaos right now. I have been married for two years and we have been having problems most of our marriage. I was unaware of the extent. A little background. We meet while we were both in the Army, and 5 months away from a deployment to Iraq. I have two daughters from a previous relationship. We started spending all of our time together, we fell in love, and he fell in love with my girls. When we deployed we emailed and talked every time we got a chance.   

He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We got married on leave and then returned to our deployment. Then I found out he had a secret email account that he was talking to other girls in that he opened after we married. This was our first issue. He said he cancelled it and then later he opened another one I found out about. So when we returned home I had some trust issues.   

He always wanted to go to the club without me because we had no babysitter and fishing, whatever got him out the house. We argued because I was tired of always being alone. This is when he told me I was smothering him. So we got past that. I got out of the Army and he got assigned overseas. The girls and I couldn't come till two months later. He spent the whole time partying. So we get to Italy and we can't get along. I have culture shock, no car, and stuck in a town where no one speaks English and then he's gone 16 hours a day (normal for the military). This resulted in constant arguing.   

So now we have been here a year and I again thought we worked through our problems and now he wants time and space. I am 28 and he is 24. He said that he needs to see what life is like without me. We need to find out who we really are. I know who I am. He will not admit he wants a divorce. He says he loves me, but he is not in Love with me. He swears its not another women. I don't really see it being, but who knows we are in Italy. I am so confused.  

 He pushed me in to this relationship because I had issues from my daughters father and I didnt want to trust him not to hurt me. He pushed to get married when I said lets wait because I thought it was too soon. I know could have said no. Now I love him and I dont want a separation and I dont want to put the girls through anything else, but it seems with him it will always be about him. I dont know if its worth trying to work out. I dont know if I should just cut my loses and move on. I dont know. Hes not abusive and when he is not working he is always home now, but thats his problem conforming to this marriage he says he is not being himself.   

Did you try asking him, What does he means by being himself? What does that mean to him? And see if he is willing to compromise on things.

 

See I just got out of a 15 yr relationship that bared 2 more children, total 4, 2previous and 2 with him and through the 15 yrs together I felt like I was not myself when I was with him. He made me feel  like I needed to be someone else around him. I couldn't act the way I am. because to him I was being childish, but I'm the type of person that likes to laugh and play games it keeps the boring life alive and exciting, But not with him I needed to be serious and have a schedule and keep things neat and plan everything 2 weeks ahead or 1 month ahead. If it's not planned it ain't going to happen. I'm more of the type to get up say I want to do this and do it. I could never do that with him. If a friend came to my house and said that they were having a cookout and the kids and i were invited I couldn't do it because I needed to wait for his call and if he heard me having fun that would start a month long argument. Then one day after about 6years of that I got the courage to say something but it made things worst. He started letting me do things at the spur of the moment but I'd hear it from him the next day or next week even years down the line. I still hear it till today from him when something comes up in conversation, and we're not even together anymore. 

Hope you guys can find some common ground before calling it quits. that's what I think you all need. To find common ground. Take care and god bless. Aloha from Hawaii thank you for all you are doing to keep our freedom.

 
January 16, 2008, 7:24 pm CST

tell him to do it his self

Quote From: bmr1230

I don't know whether this is the right board to be on, but I couldn't figure out where to go. I need some help in managing a control freak. My husband is anal and controlling. He sets up these rules around the house, and if I made a "mistake" and didn't comply to one of his rules, then he will point it out immediately. For example, he likes to cook, so we agreed early on in our relationship that while he will cook, I will clean. Yet, if while I clean I accidentally moved his chopping board, then he will say, "The chopping board MUST BE flushed to the counter." Yes, it may sound petty if I am upset about this one small thing, but there are about twenty to thirty of these rules. He will sometimes walk through the house pointing out all my "mistakes." (Starting today, I am going to start recording down all these rules to find out how many there are.) At the beginning I just ignored his comments and move on, but it got to be so much that I started getting angry about them. What should I do to make him stop? I have told him that while I am not saying whether he is right or wrong, these constant "correcting" is making me very upset. Let's put it this way, I am beginning to get sick of this after six years. Help!!!

Look I really don't have anything good to say about this. I on the other hand would get out. My ex lived in his house for many years and everything has a place. So when I'm at his house and moved something or helped clean his house I made sure that he sets up and puts things back. One time years ago I was helping him clean and He asked if I could mop his floors so i did and he said it wasn't good enough and he mopped it again after I just did it. I wash the dishes and he would check if it was clean. all those little things got to me so I finally gave up and just followed him when he wanted things done. If he did it again after me I just let it go and told him not to ask me to do it anymore. I have my own house to take care of and don't need you redoing what already been done. SO I stopped cooking at his his, stopped cleaning, stopped washing clothes everything. Cause I felt incapable of being a g/f or even a wife. That's  one of the reasons why we never got married.(note): there were many reasons. I could go on and on but I would need a lot more space. I think dr. phil's staff would kick me off this message board. HAHAHA!!!

Take care and try to figure out if you want to stay and deal with it.

 
January 16, 2008, 10:36 pm CST

no diamonds are not forever

Quote From: georgedrum

I have a question for all you females out there. If you found the man of your dreams.. and he could not afford a diamond, did not get you a diamond or the rock was not big enough would you be disapointed? I purchased a ring and gave it to my girlfriend. The ring did not have a diamond on it. My girlfriends mother and daughter have been fighting me ever since about the issue and have said some terrible things to me and my girlfriend about it. What do you all think? is a diamond forever?

I don't know about other women but I for one don't care to much about diamonds. Don't get me wrong I know some women that if the diamond is not big they'll bitch.Let me ask you this. What does your soon to be wife say and how does she feel about the ring? If she is okay with it then Who the hell cares. Now it's the love that you feel for each other, not a piece of jewelry. And if she is marrying you for what she can get from you then why get into it. Again I for one don't care to much for jewelry but if someone that loves me for me and wants to spend their life with me I would except anything big or small. I would just appreciate that he thinks of me.

Sorry to say I haven't found him yet, Thought I did but I guess I wasn't the one for him.

 

Good luck and god bless you and her.

 
January 16, 2008, 11:57 pm CST

sorry no new history

Quote From: Iguy72

I have posted on a couple of other threads regarding my situation. You can look back at my previous post to see where I'm coming from. But There is a concept that my wife keeps bringing up. I have done a good bit of research on and really can't find any references to it. This concept is "creating a new History". I have done some things that I am not proud of that has caused my wife to loose trust in me. I have gone to counseling and have improved my attitude and behavior toward my wife. She has told me a number of times that I have. She says that she has forgiven me but she will continue to bring things up from 12 & 13 years ago. Now, after this, she says that the only thing that will help us and allow her to forgive is to create a new history.

I have searched all over the place for this and like I said, I don't see that. If someone has input regarding this please let me know. I see a lot about the choice of forgiveness and how to forgive but nothing on this.

I would say that she has to get over what happen in the past, you can't change that. you can only make a positive future. She needs to except the past and move forward.

 

Let me explain my situation. I was in a relationship for 15 years off and on. In the begining he was sweet and understanding about my past. then about 2 years onto the relationship he started bringing up my past and say that I'm repeating it or I'm doing things that will repeat themselves or uses it against me. But I kept thinking what does he mean. It got so bad that in our 4th year together I tried to committ suicide, he made me feel like I was not worthy to be here on earth. I was so depress for a year.  But I went to counseling and tried to get back on my feet for my children.  Then we both went to counceling and the therapist told him that it doesn't matter what happened in the past (mine or his). Now lets not get into his past. But I've never thrown it in his face about what he did. It was what i did.always. I know some things that he doesn't know I know but never told him that i know, because I feel it doesn't matter all that matters is what we do now and for the  future. I came to except that I've made mistakes in my life and everyone did at one time or another. And I've excepted it and trying to do better for my future and my kids and for the lucky guy that will except me for me. But if they are not doing it anymore and is living a different lifestyle then why bother opening old wounds it HURTS TO MUCH! This is what I teach my kids" if it's 6 months old and it didn't happen again, leave it there and move on". Except it, learn from it and make the future better. I tell them that all the time.

And they do it  with their friends. and their fiends tell them ,what? they just say never mind.

 

I hope that your wife can get past this and move on, cause living in the past don't make things better. Living for the future has more hope. and letting go of the past you can make a better histroy for the two of you in the future. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck, from hawaii.

 
January 17, 2008, 12:53 am CST

start from begining

Let me give you a little history about my relationship.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years off and on. Have 2 children from one guy and 2 from this relationship.when we were first together it was nice then the real person started emerging and I got depressed and went to counceling, I went to a support group for abused women. But I stayed in the relationship because I loved him and wanted to be his wife. I thought that he was the one. We went through so much together that I thought this was it . He knows me in and out and I know him in and out.  there are things that I did except about him that I don't think other women would have tolerated. And he didn't appreciate it. I've never felt appreciated, loved, understood, or comfortable in his house. But I stayed in the relationship. By the way we've never lived together. I have my place and his has his. i thought that we would grow together and make each other happy. But this past October he did something that i couldn't take anymore. I'm pretty sure that alot of things that he did these past 15 years to me, noone else would have put up with. He was married before me and she left him a few times and came back. Until he met me he asked her for a divorce and she gave it to him. That's when we got together. I really thought he'd be "Mr. Right" but I was wrong. Or maybe it was I wasn't "mrs. Right". I don't know.  So any ways, I feel so much hatred now that sometimes I can't sleep. I look at men and get disgusted. But I want to get married and have a happy life. All my holidays in the relationship was depressing for me. Now I don't look forward to holidays, cause they bring up old wounds. We can't even email each other without using angry word. He love to play the blame game also. I don't like that because there's alot that I can blame him for but I don't. or aleast try not to.

So we decided that in 2006 we were going to try move together. Our children and I was going on a trip with their school choir in LA and said that when we come back we were going to move. Well My father ended up passing away that year and 3 weeks before the trip, We got into a heated argument and he said "I'm not going to have youmove here".  I don't even remember what the argument was about in the first place. But my girls moved with him in july of that year. Everything was going okay, until I started feeling lonely and wanted to be with him. Guess what? he didn't feel the same. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't find the courage to say something. fearing I'd start a fight. Then in oct. 07 I found out from my youngest child that the older one tried to cut herself. And when I tried to talk to him about it I could not get him. Then when I finally got a hold of him, he said he was helping a lady friend of his that was in danger of her life. I thought what about your own daughter?. But he claims that I was jealous because he has lady friends and I can't stnd the fact that he helps them. I knew from years ago that he had lady friends and excepted that they called him everyday. Yes I've conforted him about it many times and even asked him to tell them I was uncomfortable about them calling everyday but they never stopped. I felt disrepected by them and him. but I let it slide. But when it came to my daughters health and life He took it like it was nothing big his friends life was more important. I flew of the handle. Now I don't even want to talk to him because of all the hurt i've endured all these years and can't get a handle on it. Ever since oct 07 we don't talk.  before that We use to call each other everydday to get updates on the girls and make plans for the weekend. But when he started helping this lady me and the kids are not important to him. If he was telling the story he would make look like the bad one. I know that every story had two sides. And he's good at making me sound like a total bitch. But he doesn't realize all the crap I've put up with for 15 years. He told all his lady friends about the things I don't do for him, but they don't know all the things he did to me or the things I did do for him.

 

Well I'll stop for now and get back to my story at another time. It's getting late and I need to be up early to do my child care in the morning. Hope I didn't bore anyone with my diry laundry. But this is helping me alot. telling my story and getting feed back. I feel like I'm back in thereapy. Thanks everyone especially dr. phil. aloha and talk to you later.

 
January 22, 2008, 9:35 am CST

Just my opinion

Quote From: brokeninside

Let me give you a little history about my relationship.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years off and on. Have 2 children from one guy and 2 from this relationship.when we were first together it was nice then the real person started emerging and I got depressed and went to counceling, I went to a support group for abused women. But I stayed in the relationship because I loved him and wanted to be his wife. I thought that he was the one. We went through so much together that I thought this was it . He knows me in and out and I know him in and out.  there are things that I did except about him that I don't think other women would have tolerated. And he didn't appreciate it. I've never felt appreciated, loved, understood, or comfortable in his house. But I stayed in the relationship. By the way we've never lived together. I have my place and his has his. i thought that we would grow together and make each other happy. But this past October he did something that i couldn't take anymore. I'm pretty sure that alot of things that he did these past 15 years to me, noone else would have put up with. He was married before me and she left him a few times and came back. Until he met me he asked her for a divorce and she gave it to him. That's when we got together. I really thought he'd be "Mr. Right" but I was wrong. Or maybe it was I wasn't "mrs. Right". I don't know.  So any ways, I feel so much hatred now that sometimes I can't sleep. I look at men and get disgusted. But I want to get married and have a happy life. All my holidays in the relationship was depressing for me. Now I don't look forward to holidays, cause they bring up old wounds. We can't even email each other without using angry word. He love to play the blame game also. I don't like that because there's alot that I can blame him for but I don't. or aleast try not to.

So we decided that in 2006 we were going to try move together. Our children and I was going on a trip with their school choir in LA and said that when we come back we were going to move. Well My father ended up passing away that year and 3 weeks before the trip, We got into a heated argument and he said "I'm not going to have youmove here".  I don't even remember what the argument was about in the first place. But my girls moved with him in july of that year. Everything was going okay, until I started feeling lonely and wanted to be with him. Guess what? he didn't feel the same. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't find the courage to say something. fearing I'd start a fight. Then in oct. 07 I found out from my youngest child that the older one tried to cut herself. And when I tried to talk to him about it I could not get him. Then when I finally got a hold of him, he said he was helping a lady friend of his that was in danger of her life. I thought what about your own daughter?. But he claims that I was jealous because he has lady friends and I can't stnd the fact that he helps them. I knew from years ago that he had lady friends and excepted that they called him everyday. Yes I've conforted him about it many times and even asked him to tell them I was uncomfortable about them calling everyday but they never stopped. I felt disrepected by them and him. but I let it slide. But when it came to my daughters health and life He took it like it was nothing big his friends life was more important. I flew of the handle. Now I don't even want to talk to him because of all the hurt i've endured all these years and can't get a handle on it. Ever since oct 07 we don't talk.  before that We use to call each other everydday to get updates on the girls and make plans for the weekend. But when he started helping this lady me and the kids are not important to him. If he was telling the story he would make look like the bad one. I know that every story had two sides. And he's good at making me sound like a total bitch. But he doesn't realize all the crap I've put up with for 15 years. He told all his lady friends about the things I don't do for him, but they don't know all the things he did to me or the things I did do for him.

 

Well I'll stop for now and get back to my story at another time. It's getting late and I need to be up early to do my child care in the morning. Hope I didn't bore anyone with my diry laundry. But this is helping me alot. telling my story and getting feed back. I feel like I'm back in thereapy. Thanks everyone especially dr. phil. aloha and talk to you later.

You have invested too much in someone who clearly isn't going to give you the respect you deserve. Being alone stinks - I'm sure. Sometimes in my 20 year marriage I feel alone - and that stinks. But my husband still treats me with respect. I'm hearing/reading that you are not legally tied to this man. Let him go! If he is paying child support - be cordial to him - allow him access to his children. Inform him when he needs to be informed. If you can't bare to speak with him - use an email. Stay short and brief and move on.

I think you have grieved enough for a relationship that isn't going to happen. Be true to yourself. Move on.

Again - just my opinion and no I didn't get bored hearing your story. I do sympathize with you.

L
 
March 17, 2008, 5:05 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: Msalways

I've being in a relationship now for the past 10 months without sex. he told me he was going to therapy for his addiction but now its over and he told me he want to be a christian so we should get married before doing it. Some one please advice me.
This is actually a good thing. My husband and I dated for 4 1/2 yrs and waited till we got married to have sex ( we married at age 20). I really believe that my husband respects me so much more because we waited and we have a level of trust between eachother that few people ever experience. I know he's never going to cheat on me or anything (he was willing to wait over four years for me, why would he waste all the effort he put in to building our relationship). We have an amazing marriage even though we got married young and I really believe that I can contribute a lot of that to the fact that we waited to have sex. Now sex is something special, just between me and him in our marriage and it just makes being married so much more intimate. I would recomend waiting till marriage to have sex to anyone, even if they don't believe sex before marriage is wrong, just because I'm one of few who know how strong it can make a marriage. Him wanting to wait to have sex with you just shows how serious he is taking your relationship and is really very sweet. The fact that he can overcome a sexual addiction and want to respect women now (especially you) really speaks for his character. It is very rare for a man to successfully overcome a sexual addition and him wanting to wait to have sex doesn't mean he's not finding you attractive or anything ( If anything I bet you are making it very hard for him because he is attracted to you). I think he is a keeper and if you want to keep him you should support his decision because it sounds like this is important to him and maybe oneday you'll realize how much it has helped your relationship.
 
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