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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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March 24, 2008, 9:30 pm CDT

Don't know what to do?

I don't really know where to start? I have a troubled background filled with sexual abuse and raised by a mother who was more interested in living her life rather than raise me. This history left me with HUGE emotional scars, which at 32 I am very well aware of, maybe too much aware? I am now at a good place within myself and have a better perspective when inner turmoil raises it ugly head.

I have been married for almost 4 years and I want more than anything to be married and raise our children together, but he is emotionally removed. I am terrified to talk to him about ANYTHING because he is so good at playing the victim...If I tell him he's not spending enough time with the kids, I'm self-righteous...If I tell him I'm not happy he says I haven't been happy for years and it's all his fault! He has selective hearing, he hears me but does not listen to what I am saying. I told him I went to a couple of therapy sessions, he got so mad he said he wanted a divorce. I do not dare suggest therapy!!! Does anyone out there have any suggestions?

 
April 14, 2008, 3:59 pm CDT

santity of marriage?

 
We are married for 15 yrs, 18 yrs my husband and I have been together.  I am seriously considering divorce because of my husbands verbal abuse and controlling issues.  We are trying to work it out but I have doubts.  He has finally admited to having a verbal abuse problem but still doesn't feel like he has a control issue.  Durning our talks he said that he feels that I have betrayed him by talking with my friends(and his sister) about some of the problems in our marriage.  That I have betrayed our sanctity of marriage by telling my friends our  marrital problems.   He doesn't really have any friends that he keeps in touch with on a regular basis, I on the  other hand have about 5 friends that I have had most of my life and I do talk with them about some of our problems, I don't always go into great detail, but on some occasions I do. I feels that's what freinds are for, and that is what us women do, we discuss things to find solutions and to vent our fustrations.   Am I wrong? Have I violiated our sanctitiy of marriage or is this his own warped view because of his controling issues.  Most women I know talk with there friends about there problems, all problems, marriage, kids, family, friends, job issues.  I feel I am not wrong in opening up to friends, we have never been to counseling(can't efford it) plus he was never willing to go, If I didn't get to talk to someone I'd probably would have had a break down by now.  Am I wrong? Is keeping our maritial problems in the closet scarid?
 
April 16, 2008, 1:43 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: angie_01

I don't really know where to start? I have a troubled background filled with sexual abuse and raised by a mother who was more interested in living her life rather than raise me. This history left me with HUGE emotional scars, which at 32 I am very well aware of, maybe too much aware? I am now at a good place within myself and have a better perspective when inner turmoil raises it ugly head.

I have been married for almost 4 years and I want more than anything to be married and raise our children together, but he is emotionally removed. I am terrified to talk to him about ANYTHING because he is so good at playing the victim...If I tell him he's not spending enough time with the kids, I'm self-righteous...If I tell him I'm not happy he says I haven't been happy for years and it's all his fault! He has selective hearing, he hears me but does not listen to what I am saying. I told him I went to a couple of therapy sessions, he got so mad he said he wanted a divorce. I do not dare suggest therapy!!! Does anyone out there have any suggestions?

Personally I think his reactions show a way he is controlling the situation.  The getting angry at your trying to get therapy shows that he doesn't want to lose the control he has over you.  I think when he turns any talk to his fault is taking your feelings and putting them aside, then putting the attention on him.  Stay with the therapy, even if he doesn't like it.  It will give you confidence and healing that you need.  Threats of divorice is another way of gaining control.  It is emotional blackmail.  What would he do if you said "you do what you think you need to, I am continuing with the counciling."  When you say something like he isn't spending enough time with kids, maybe instead of accussing, you can say "wouldn't it be fun if you and the kids or all of you went to the park to play?" It stops his victim playing.  When you tell him you aren't happy, state why you aren't happy and if he goes into the all his fault part, don't play into it.  Just keep stating what it would is that you would like to  change.  "I am unhappy because I have no time for myself"  Men are fixers so maybe if he knew what it was that needs to be fixed, he would try.
 
April 19, 2008, 7:54 pm CDT

A matter of opinion

Quote From: tdrinker1

 
We are married for 15 yrs, 18 yrs my husband and I have been together.  I am seriously considering divorce because of my husbands verbal abuse and controlling issues.  We are trying to work it out but I have doubts.  He has finally admited to having a verbal abuse problem but still doesn't feel like he has a control issue.  Durning our talks he said that he feels that I have betrayed him by talking with my friends(and his sister) about some of the problems in our marriage.  That I have betrayed our sanctity of marriage by telling my friends our  marrital problems.   He doesn't really have any friends that he keeps in touch with on a regular basis, I on the  other hand have about 5 friends that I have had most of my life and I do talk with them about some of our problems, I don't always go into great detail, but on some occasions I do. I feels that's what freinds are for, and that is what us women do, we discuss things to find solutions and to vent our fustrations.   Am I wrong? Have I violiated our sanctitiy of marriage or is this his own warped view because of his controling issues.  Most women I know talk with there friends about there problems, all problems, marriage, kids, family, friends, job issues.  I feel I am not wrong in opening up to friends, we have never been to counseling(can't efford it) plus he was never willing to go, If I didn't get to talk to someone I'd probably would have had a break down by now.  Am I wrong? Is keeping our maritial problems in the closet scarid?
I don't think you are wrong to confide in your friends regarding your personal life but what matters here is what your husband thinks and feels.  He is flat out telling you that what goes on in your marriage should stay between the two of you.  Many people like to keep their personal relationships private others enjoy the feedback and opinions from their family and friends.  He may not want you to air your dirty laundry out of embarrassment or want your friends to look down on him.   You two need to come to a mutual agreement on this issue and respect eachothers wishes.  If he does not wat you to speak to your friends about your marital problems then ask him if he will see a member of the clergy with you as they do counsel for free and it would allow you to speak of your issues with him there in total confidence.
 
April 26, 2008, 10:50 pm CDT

husband refusing to talk

Since 2:00 this afternoon (it's now 11:40 pm) my husband and I have been carrying on a "text fight" while I had the kids with me and he was out. He was upset because of something that happened this morning with the kids (disagreement on punishment) and wouldn't talk except to text. I did apologize to both him and the kids, by text. Not only is this time consuming and hard on my fingers, I find it childish and immature. Finally he texted me at 8:00 pm and said he wasn't coming home. I tracked him down with the kids at his mom's, dropped them off with him, and then called him and said he wasn't going to just ignore me and the kids all night as well as all day. I came home. Three hours later he did too, with the kids. I put them to bed, and he walked right by me without saying a word. I can't sleep, and he's probably going to sleep on the couch.

 

I would love to go and hug him and ask him to come to bed, but I have ALWAYS been the one to 'back down' and I am so tired of it. What is the right thing to do? Should I let him stew in his resentment or should I do what Dr. Laura would say to do and cook him a nice meal and massage his feet and beg his forgiveness? I'm so tired of always being the "hero" in this marriage. (And yes, I have started counseling. I've have gone twice and I am waiting for him to make an appointment to go (3 wks+ now I'm waiting) to tell his side of the story of why our marriage is breaking down, which is what the counselor wants- He won't do it.)

 

 
April 30, 2008, 5:15 am CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: charsage

Since 2:00 this afternoon (it's now 11:40 pm) my husband and I have been carrying on a "text fight" while I had the kids with me and he was out. He was upset because of something that happened this morning with the kids (disagreement on punishment) and wouldn't talk except to text. I did apologize to both him and the kids, by text. Not only is this time consuming and hard on my fingers, I find it childish and immature. Finally he texted me at 8:00 pm and said he wasn't coming home. I tracked him down with the kids at his mom's, dropped them off with him, and then called him and said he wasn't going to just ignore me and the kids all night as well as all day. I came home. Three hours later he did too, with the kids. I put them to bed, and he walked right by me without saying a word. I can't sleep, and he's probably going to sleep on the couch.

 

I would love to go and hug him and ask him to come to bed, but I have ALWAYS been the one to 'back down' and I am so tired of it. What is the right thing to do? Should I let him stew in his resentment or should I do what Dr. Laura would say to do and cook him a nice meal and massage his feet and beg his forgiveness? I'm so tired of always being the "hero" in this marriage. (And yes, I have started counseling. I've have gone twice and I am waiting for him to make an appointment to go (3 wks+ now I'm waiting) to tell his side of the story of why our marriage is breaking down, which is what the counselor wants- He won't do it.)

 

It disturbs me that your children are planted in the middle of your marital drama.  Those kids should be your first concern.  He won't speak to you?  He's not doing his part in the marriage?  He ignores you and the kids?  So what?    If you refuse to play these childish games with him, the drama is over.  Don't text him all day, don't track him down, don't drag the kids across town and dump them and for heaven's sake DON'T "beg his forgiveness".  Don't you have better things to do with your time?  I think marriage counseling is a bad idea too, since he's clearly not interested.  Start taking care of your kids and yourself.  Stop making your goal "saving the marriage" and make your goal "have a happy home".  What would happen if you didn't worry about him and instead made a nice meal for you and the kids and spent the evening doing something you enjoy and did normal things like checking the kid's homework.  What if he dragged himself home and everything was just....well, NORMAL.  He'll stop his dramatics when you stop paying attention to it.  Try it.   Fighting, chasing and begging won't save your marriage.  Refusing to live in chaos might.  If he wants to destroy the marriage because he wants to leave, fighting with him won't change that.   

 
April 30, 2008, 7:54 pm CDT

Two cents worth

Quote From: thursdayagain

It disturbs me that your children are planted in the middle of your marital drama.  Those kids should be your first concern.  He won't speak to you?  He's not doing his part in the marriage?  He ignores you and the kids?  So what?    If you refuse to play these childish games with him, the drama is over.  Don't text him all day, don't track him down, don't drag the kids across town and dump them and for heaven's sake DON'T "beg his forgiveness".  Don't you have better things to do with your time?  I think marriage counseling is a bad idea too, since he's clearly not interested.  Start taking care of your kids and yourself.  Stop making your goal "saving the marriage" and make your goal "have a happy home".  What would happen if you didn't worry about him and instead made a nice meal for you and the kids and spent the evening doing something you enjoy and did normal things like checking the kid's homework.  What if he dragged himself home and everything was just....well, NORMAL.  He'll stop his dramatics when you stop paying attention to it.  Try it.   Fighting, chasing and begging won't save your marriage.  Refusing to live in chaos might.  If he wants to destroy the marriage because he wants to leave, fighting with him won't change that.   

I have to agree with you completely. Texting all day? Come on throwing him that much attention is exactly what he wants. I have a husband that was doing this through email, one long accusatory/defensive excuse after another for hours on end. It was absurd and it dawned on me that I was the one letting this happen. doh! For him to be successful in this write-a-book tantrums I had to be reading them and replying. I stopped. I made up my mind to take care of me (frankly stress is/was destroying my health...long 'nother story) and my kids first. He's a grown up, he can act like one or he doesn't deserve my attention, simple as that.

 

It has taken a while but there is some progress, tantrums get him no crumbs of attention from me, I refuse to exchange so much as a smirk at him when he is in that mode either in person or on a keyboard. Come back when you are out of puberty....yet again....and then we will talk like adults. Otherwise go away...and I don't care where. Standing my ground, I realized that is what it took for him to know I meant it too. I came to a place that I wanted a marriage not a stupid middle school relationship. And I didn't know if he would grow up or not...but he is slowly....as am I. I had to grow up to stop playing the game with him.

 

Hooray for growing pains!! No one ever said growing up was easy....

 

~Ami

 

 
May 1, 2008, 3:17 am CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: mewjag

I have to agree with you completely. Texting all day? Come on throwing him that much attention is exactly what he wants. I have a husband that was doing this through email, one long accusatory/defensive excuse after another for hours on end. It was absurd and it dawned on me that I was the one letting this happen. doh! For him to be successful in this write-a-book tantrums I had to be reading them and replying. I stopped. I made up my mind to take care of me (frankly stress is/was destroying my health...long 'nother story) and my kids first. He's a grown up, he can act like one or he doesn't deserve my attention, simple as that.

 

It has taken a while but there is some progress, tantrums get him no crumbs of attention from me, I refuse to exchange so much as a smirk at him when he is in that mode either in person or on a keyboard. Come back when you are out of puberty....yet again....and then we will talk like adults. Otherwise go away...and I don't care where. Standing my ground, I realized that is what it took for him to know I meant it too. I came to a place that I wanted a marriage not a stupid middle school relationship. And I didn't know if he would grow up or not...but he is slowly....as am I. I had to grow up to stop playing the game with him.

 

Hooray for growing pains!! No one ever said growing up was easy....

 

Ami

 

 What a beautiful story!  This illustrates my point perfectly.  Sometimes we think a spouse is "impossible" when they really just need a little nudge in the right direction.  Often underneath the dramatics, is a nice lovable, decent person who wants to do the right thing.   But bringing out the good side of our spouse means having self discipline ourselves.  This means coming to terms with our own issues, our own needs, so that we can walk away from the nonsense and stand our ground, and knowing that we will be o.k. even if our spouse decides to leave.    A good partner is (in the long run) grateful for this.  I know this will sound sexest, and it CAN go either way, but men, especially, look to a woman to be their calming influence.  I've heard so many guys brag about their wives.....how they used to be so wild and their wife calmed them down....when all she really did was ignore his tantrums.
 
May 31, 2008, 6:07 pm CDT

Is The Navy in Violation of Same Sex Marriages?

In 1994, Congress enacted a policy regarding  homosexual conduct in the military. This policy is part of the United States Code, specifically Title 10 USC, Section 654.

The policy allows homosexual or bisexuals to serve in the armed forces as long as they avoid certain actions of homosexual conduct that congress has determined to be a risk to morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion.

On May 16th 2008 the California Supreme Court ruled that same sex couples have a state constitutional right to marry. The decision becomes effective in 30 days unless the court grants a stay.

In the Navys new Homosexual Conduct Policy it states, " You will be separated from the Navy if it is found that you have married or attempted to marry a person known to be of the same biological sex".

So is the militarys policy in violation of a new california state law?




 
June 6, 2008, 6:50 pm CDT

I need some advice

Hi all,

My name is Jennifer and I've been married for 5 years.  My husband is extremely unsupportive..we've had the same problem for years, regardless of the countless times we've talked about it.  If I have something on my chest that I need to talk to him about, regarding him, he blows up, gets defensive and turns me off.  I have tried approaching him in different ways and it doesn't make a difference; I still get the same reaction.  He makes me feel like it's my problem.  Lately, I've been supressing alot of emotions I've been having because he tends to make me feel worse before the situation gets better.  I feel so loney and feel like he doesn't care that he upsets me when he blows me off.  Tonight, for instance, I told him that I feel like he doesn't understand me.  He blew up at me, called me an emotional wreck and told me that he will never understand me.  He stopped speaking to me after that.  I feel like I don't have a partner.  When he started to be a jerk to me, I began crying, out of frustration and hurt, and he doesn't even care that he hurts me when he is unsupportive.  I love him so much and don't understand how he can treat me this way.  He is all about our marriage when things are good but the second there is any emotion other than happiness, he wants nothing to do with me.  I don't know how much longer I can be in a marriage to someone I can't even call my friend.  It is tearing me up inside because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him blowing up at me for feeling upset...he thinks there is something wrong with me because I have emotions. Does anyone out there have advice for me?

 
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