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Topic : Relationship Myths

Number of Replies: 977
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:02:55 pm
Author : dataimport
Think there's something wrong with your marriage because it doesn't go along with one of the common relationship myths that Dr. Phil outlines in "Relationship Rescue"?

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June 16, 2008, 9:14 pm CDT

Video game/friend addiction in marriage

My husband has repeatedly left me for several weeks before due to me being unsupportive of his constant desire to hang out with/spend the night with his guy friends. One friend, Troy is  2 years younger than us, still in college. When Troy comes into town my husband starts arguments in order to stay with Troy at his parents for weeks at a time, without speaking to me or seeing our year old son. His other friend, Brian was married to my husband's sister (whom I am very close with) Brian cheated repeatedly on my sister in law and we have asked my husband to stop associating with him, he refuses. All are video game addicts and I support video games, but not in excess. I love my husband ALOT, and wouldn't trade him for anything. His dad died when he was little and I never knew my dad due to adoption and we definitely want him to be there for our son, but my husband is lost about it and runs off. Everyone swears he is at the friends house. and not cheating, because he will speak to my mother in law, who wants his clothes and to let him see our son, but doesn't want to let my husband ask himself. How can we stop these immaturity issues in the marriage? Over all, we are an extremely happy couple, until the friends come into the picture.
 
June 28, 2008, 10:25 am CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: jennygal0523

Hi all,

My name is Jennifer and I've been married for 5 years.  My husband is extremely unsupportive..we've had the same problem for years, regardless of the countless times we've talked about it.  If I have something on my chest that I need to talk to him about, regarding him, he blows up, gets defensive and turns me off.  I have tried approaching him in different ways and it doesn't make a difference; I still get the same reaction.  He makes me feel like it's my problem.  Lately, I've been supressing alot of emotions I've been having because he tends to make me feel worse before the situation gets better.  I feel so loney and feel like he doesn't care that he upsets me when he blows me off.  Tonight, for instance, I told him that I feel like he doesn't understand me.  He blew up at me, called me an emotional wreck and told me that he will never understand me.  He stopped speaking to me after that.  I feel like I don't have a partner.  When he started to be a jerk to me, I began crying, out of frustration and hurt, and he doesn't even care that he hurts me when he is unsupportive.  I love him so much and don't understand how he can treat me this way.  He is all about our marriage when things are good but the second there is any emotion other than happiness, he wants nothing to do with me.  I don't know how much longer I can be in a marriage to someone I can't even call my friend.  It is tearing me up inside because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him blowing up at me for feeling upset...he thinks there is something wrong with me because I have emotions. Does anyone out there have advice for me?

When confronted by my wife's pain, I have a choice, I can either protect myself (become defensive) or I can protect the relationship (explore her pain with an interest in improving the relationship. We should make relationship talk a priority over protecting ourselves in the relationship. Your partner seems to feel attacked when you express emotion. Perhaps you need to find a time to discuss that you need emotional support to be satisfied in the relationship. Let him know that you only need a listener, not a problem-solver. Also, be careful to describe yourself, not your husband when you are sharing.
 
July 5, 2008, 7:33 am CDT

Do I expect too much?

Hi there,

I have been married for more than 15 years and when we first we married I thought I had found the husband of my dreams.  We met later in life and married after dating for 1 year.  We have three children.  My husband seems angry ALL the time, which I know sounds silly.  But the ONLY time he seems happy is when he goes running but even then he will come home complaining about something a driver or walker did. 

It seemed at first to stem from his father's illness and death. But it has been 5 years and he still is bitter.  I have tried to get him to talk to someone our pastor, a counselor anyone...but he states he doesn't need help.  I have tried to be supportive but it is getting to the point where he is yelling or making sacarstic (sp?) comments to me and the kids. 

He has not visited my parents in over a year but continues to call his mother at least once a week and visit her every weekend.  My feelings don't matter when it comes to visiting my parents for the holidays or a long weekend.  They leave about 2 hours away.  I feel left out and like my wished don't matter.  It is hard for me not to take it personal or get mad.  Now I feel angry or depressed. 

Any suggestions?

 
July 10, 2008, 8:53 am CDT

Just need some feedback about husband's hobbies

 By nature I am unsure of myself so when it comes to this issue, I don't know where to draw the line.  Therefore, I just wanted some input from other wives.  The question is: "How much time per week does your husband spend on his hobbies?"  We've been married almost 28 years and my husband plays in a couple of bands.  Between practice and gigs, he's gone about 3 nights a week, sometimes more.  This is on top of a full time job.  Needless to say, he's exhausted most evenings and the weekends are tied up with gigs so we aren't able to do anything together as a couple.  He tells me he just loves performing so much.   I've got my own hobbies but they are things that I do at home in my craft room.  I don't mind spending time by myself but I'd like to do something together once in a while.  When we talk about this issue, he'll agree that once a week is plenty and then, before I know it, he's committed to another gig, another practice, another open mic, etc, and he's gone again.  And, yes, some money does come in from the gigs but it doesn't come close to covering  the cost of equipment or even drinks from the bar during the evening.    And I used to go and listen but after a while, when you've heard all the songs over and over, it's more pleasant to sit in front of a television than it is to sit alone in a bar.  I think I've hit all the high point of MY situation but the real question is very simple.: how much "me" time in a relationship is healthy and fair.  All comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 
 
July 11, 2008, 8:16 pm CDT

Balance

Quote From: tappedants

 By nature I am unsure of myself so when it comes to this issue, I don't know where to draw the line.  Therefore, I just wanted some input from other wives.  The question is: "How much time per week does your husband spend on his hobbies?"  We've been married almost 28 years and my husband plays in a couple of bands.  Between practice and gigs, he's gone about 3 nights a week, sometimes more.  This is on top of a full time job.  Needless to say, he's exhausted most evenings and the weekends are tied up with gigs so we aren't able to do anything together as a couple.  He tells me he just loves performing so much.   I've got my own hobbies but they are things that I do at home in my craft room.  I don't mind spending time by myself but I'd like to do something together once in a while.  When we talk about this issue, he'll agree that once a week is plenty and then, before I know it, he's committed to another gig, another practice, another open mic, etc, and he's gone again.  And, yes, some money does come in from the gigs but it doesn't come close to covering  the cost of equipment or even drinks from the bar during the evening.    And I used to go and listen but after a while, when you've heard all the songs over and over, it's more pleasant to sit in front of a television than it is to sit alone in a bar.  I think I've hit all the high point of MY situation but the real question is very simple.: how much "me" time in a relationship is healthy and fair.  All comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

I think what is most important here is that you are feeling neglected in this relationship so a healthy balance has to be created in your relationship to make the both of you mutually happy.   I'm all for alone time and couple time also but when you find yourself alone more than you'd like to I think it's time to sit down and kinda work out a schedule that you can both agree on.

There is a book that I read and a web site by Dr. Hadley - www.Marriagebuilders.com , Books:  Love Busters & His Needs, Her Needs

that suggests 15 hours per week as a couple!   Take a look at the site as it is incredibly interesting and could help you to solve this issue by mutually agreeing on a specified time or nights etc...  Seems that creating a balance is what it's all about so both of your needs are happily met.

 
July 12, 2008, 11:54 am CDT

"Cougar" episode re-airs this week...sigh...

I see that the "Cougar" (older women who prefer younger men) episode will re-air this week. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of all the misconceptions!!!

 

After two prior marriages to "age-appropriate" men -- both of which ended due to serial cheating on the man's part, I have NEVER been unfaithful to a partner --  I remarried at age 41 a WONDERFUL man age 26. Bright, gorgeous, but in both a lot of ill-considered debt and an entry-level management job he LOATHED, desperately needing to figure out his way back to the authentic-self career path a physically and emotionally abusive father literally beat out of him.

 

Assumptions (don't even try to tell me you're not already making them!): I'm the high-income "sugar mam," he's paying for a meal ticket with sex and flattery.

 

Nothing could be more inaccurate.

 

I was recently divorced from my previous husband/bizpartner, which meant I lost my home, my six-figure income, my "job" (business partnership) AND any possibility of attaining another one in the same field (a draconian non-compete contract was an absolute condition of the divorce). When I met "Rick" three years later, I'd just lost both the high-level admin-assistant job I was barely scraping by on AND the lousy ghetto apartment I'd just managed to qualify for due to a freak accident that shattered an arm, leaving me in 24/7/ excruciating pain, needing multiple reconstructive surgeries (did I mention I'd also lost my insurance, so I got the WORST orthopedists in the system for a job which needed the best?), spending more than a year in a horrid wrist-to-shoulder external fixation device and having to transport myself 100 miles away from what passed for "home" to specialized physical rehab four days a week. I had ZERO income, ZERO insurance, owed my useless divorce attorneys bigtime, and was basically living on the kindness of a dear friend who'd had a stretch of unaccustomed financial good fortune which ultimately could not last.

 

Understandably, under the circumstances, I'd not only gained weight but hadn't the heart (let alone the physical reach!) to even do my hair or put on makeup. HELLO: that's NOBODY'S "sugar mama!"

 

Nevertheless, "Rick" fell in love with me, as he smilingly tells anyone who asks, when we were both over at that dear friend's place watching the 2000 presidential election debates on TV and I was indulging my passion for politics by yelling back at Al Gore :-)

 

We've now been together for 8.5 years, married for 7.25.

 

I have held only sporadic freelance and part-time jobs during that period; he has completely supported me both financially and emotionally in going back to grad school to get a second Master's degree -- which will be complete in six weeks -- so I can re-enter at the executive/six-figure level a field which does NOT violate my divorce-mandated "noncompete-in-perpetuity."

 

In return, I've coached him through recovery from the emotional and physical abuse of his upbringing (including turning him on to both individual therapeutic and 12-Step resources), coached -- NOT bought! -- him out of debt (it took five years), and steered him back to his authentic-self career path by researching how he could get via military service the medical education he always wanted but didn't think he could afford. He's now been a Navy medical non-com in Field Medical Forces (=deploys with Marines; he's been to Iraq twice so far) for almost five years and has never been happier. He's ticking down the last days of this hitch as a medical administrator in a Stateside hospital, but will re-enlist as an officer who plans to return to the "green side" (=with the Marines) when he gets out of med school ENTIRELY ON THE NAVY'S DIME (!!)

 

I know it sounds like such a cliche, but age is TRULY only a state of mind. Once one gives up the whole NOTION of socially-determined "age appropriateness," almost anything can happen! I find "age-appropriate" men to be stodgy, chauvinistic toward intelligent/executive women, and strongly resistant to "moving on" with a world which moves on faster every day.  "Rick" finds "age appropriate" women to be vapid,  uncultured gold-diggers (even though he himself has scant present "gold" to "dig," lol!). We love the same books, movies, music, and politics. I've introduced him to the joys of monogamous yet ADVENTUROUS sex (talk about role reversal, lol!) and hard-core "foodiness"; he's introduced me to the joys of hunting, hiking, and martial arts. He's learned to love my energetic urban redevelopment-scapes; I've learned to love his peaceful countrysides. I've even learned to love his beloved "young, dumb, and full of...errrr" Marines (which took a minute, lol!), and he's learned to love my perpetual AKC German Shepherd Dogs (which took no time at all :-)). 

 

And so I say again: PLEASE, Phil & fellow viewers, throw away all those stupid assumptions about "cougars" and the younger men who love them. Quit assuming that BOTH of us are either predators or prey! ISN'T IT JUST POSSIBLE that some matches are made in Heaven, NOT on the calendar?!

 

Just sign me -- "Cougar," purring :-)   

 
July 13, 2008, 7:36 am CDT

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!!!

Quote From: tappedants

 By nature I am unsure of myself so when it comes to this issue, I don't know where to draw the line.  Therefore, I just wanted some input from other wives.  The question is: "How much time per week does your husband spend on his hobbies?"  We've been married almost 28 years and my husband plays in a couple of bands.  Between practice and gigs, he's gone about 3 nights a week, sometimes more.  This is on top of a full time job.  Needless to say, he's exhausted most evenings and the weekends are tied up with gigs so we aren't able to do anything together as a couple.  He tells me he just loves performing so much.   I've got my own hobbies but they are things that I do at home in my craft room.  I don't mind spending time by myself but I'd like to do something together once in a while.  When we talk about this issue, he'll agree that once a week is plenty and then, before I know it, he's committed to another gig, another practice, another open mic, etc, and he's gone again.  And, yes, some money does come in from the gigs but it doesn't come close to covering  the cost of equipment or even drinks from the bar during the evening.    And I used to go and listen but after a while, when you've heard all the songs over and over, it's more pleasant to sit in front of a television than it is to sit alone in a bar.  I think I've hit all the high point of MY situation but the real question is very simple.: how much "me" time in a relationship is healthy and fair.  All comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

Military wives live for 7 -15 months (depending upon branch of service) without their husbands even in the same HEMISPHERE. Dependent upon where hubby is deployed, telephone and email service is sporadic at best, and "snail mail" can take up to six weeks one-way (which means three months to get a response, even if he miraculously can afford to subtract enough of his scarce off-duty time from eating/sleeping/showering to respond same- or next-day).

 

No matter how good of a support system one has, sometimes it's almost  unbearable waiting for him to get home...especially, of course, because one never knows whether he'll come home at all except in a body bag or a wheelchair. 

 

During deployments, I'd KILL for one night a week. It might be the last one we ever get, yanno?

 

Suggestion: GET INVOLVED with his music! It is obviously not (as you dismissively term it) a "hobby" -- it's a pretty darn serious avocation.  At the very least SHOW UP for each and every one of his public gigs. Volunteer to print and distribute ad flyers around town, or to write "fan" (promotional) letters to your local arts & entertainment and/or college newspapers. If you've got the skills (or would like to learn them!) build his band a website, or Webmistress an existing fan forum. Research and manage the design & production of promotional merchandise (e.g. t-shirts, bumper stickers, demo CDs) to be sold at public appearances AND on the band's Web site.

 

You'll not only BY NECESSITY end up spending more time with him, I guarantee you he will WANT to spend more NON-Band time with YOU simply because you're actively demonstrating that you care about what's important to him. As it is, he can probably feel your disinterest/resentment like an ice-storm every time he walks in the door after a band activity. Honestly, would YOU go out of your way to spend time with someone who had such scorn for what brings YOU joy? 

 

-- Navy Wife in San Diego   

 
July 14, 2008, 5:48 am CDT

I've been there

Quote From: tappedants

 By nature I am unsure of myself so when it comes to this issue, I don't know where to draw the line.  Therefore, I just wanted some input from other wives.  The question is: "How much time per week does your husband spend on his hobbies?"  We've been married almost 28 years and my husband plays in a couple of bands.  Between practice and gigs, he's gone about 3 nights a week, sometimes more.  This is on top of a full time job.  Needless to say, he's exhausted most evenings and the weekends are tied up with gigs so we aren't able to do anything together as a couple.  He tells me he just loves performing so much.   I've got my own hobbies but they are things that I do at home in my craft room.  I don't mind spending time by myself but I'd like to do something together once in a while.  When we talk about this issue, he'll agree that once a week is plenty and then, before I know it, he's committed to another gig, another practice, another open mic, etc, and he's gone again.  And, yes, some money does come in from the gigs but it doesn't come close to covering  the cost of equipment or even drinks from the bar during the evening.    And I used to go and listen but after a while, when you've heard all the songs over and over, it's more pleasant to sit in front of a television than it is to sit alone in a bar.  I think I've hit all the high point of MY situation but the real question is very simple.: how much "me" time in a relationship is healthy and fair.  All comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

My husband loves sports, which I do also, just not to the intensity he does. He's always coaching our son's teams and he also plays various sports. I try to get involved as much as I can. When our son was younger I would always be the team mom while my husband coached. I even played coed softball with my husband a couple of times, even though I'm really not gifted athletically, but it was something we did together and it gave us some great memories.

 

I'm just thankful my husband does take the time to coach our son. I'm a product of a workaholic father and I would of given anything to have my father spend that much time with me. My son's going into junior high and I know my husband's coaching days are numbered. 

 

The only suggestion I would make is tell your husband you want him to date you at least one night a week. My husband and I do this and it is great. It doesn't have to be a big deal. We usually go out to dinner and a movie, but once in a while we will be a little more creative, especially when moneys tight.

 

Best of luck to you!  

 
July 14, 2008, 5:53 am CDT

Thank you

Quote From: orionaut

Military wives live for 7 -15 months (depending upon branch of service) without their husbands even in the same HEMISPHERE. Dependent upon where hubby is deployed, telephone and email service is sporadic at best, and "snail mail" can take up to six weeks one-way (which means three months to get a response, even if he miraculously can afford to subtract enough of his scarce off-duty time from eating/sleeping/showering to respond same- or next-day).

 

No matter how good of a support system one has, sometimes it's almost  unbearable waiting for him to get home...especially, of course, because one never knows whether he'll come home at all except in a body bag or a wheelchair. 

 

During deployments, I'd KILL for one night a week. It might be the last one we ever get, yanno?

 

Suggestion: GET INVOLVED with his music! It is obviously not (as you dismissively term it) a "hobby" -- it's a pretty darn serious avocation.  At the very least SHOW UP for each and every one of his public gigs. Volunteer to print and distribute ad flyers around town, or to write "fan" (promotional) letters to your local arts & entertainment and/or college newspapers. If you've got the skills (or would like to learn them!) build his band a website, or Webmistress an existing fan forum. Research and manage the design & production of promotional merchandise (e.g. t-shirts, bumper stickers, demo CDs) to be sold at public appearances AND on the band's Web site.

 

You'll not only BY NECESSITY end up spending more time with him, I guarantee you he will WANT to spend more NON-Band time with YOU simply because you're actively demonstrating that you care about what's important to him. As it is, he can probably feel your disinterest/resentment like an ice-storm every time he walks in the door after a band activity. Honestly, would YOU go out of your way to spend time with someone who had such scorn for what brings YOU joy? 

 

-- Navy Wife in San Diego   

I just wanted to thank your family for the sacrifices you all make for our country!!

 

I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do!!

 

God Bless!

 
July 16, 2008, 3:40 pm CDT

You're missing the point.

Quote From: txgirl39

I just wanted to thank your family for the sacrifices you all make for our country!!

 

I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do!!

 

God Bless!

Thank you for your "thank you."

 

I'll pass it along to my husband. HE and his brothers & sisters in arms are the heroes.

 

I'm just kinda...HERE, treading water for a minute, living my own prosaic life, yanno? Finishing my second Master's degree online in anticipation of launching a second career in midlife, doing my admin/exec online job, walking the dog, doing the laundry, trying like mad to research a few new recipes every week rather than falling back on the "same old same old": nothing YOU don't do every day too, I'm sure (except maybe the academic thing, and frankly that's all about MY joy).

 

Now, how about actually paying attention/responding to my suggestions? 

 
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